Find Joy Now

Articles on Infertility

2012-01-05T09:36:00.000-08:00

So it recently came to my attention that an article I wrote for my church's magazine a long time ago was published online. I really don't tell you this to get attention for myself. There are other articles written by others who have struggled with infertility. And maybe something they, or even little old me, have written might be of some help. I wrote this article prior to our adoption, (it was a long process to have it approved and then published--the published date was this last spring)

Here are the links to the site
Faith and Infertility and then if you click on the link at the top under additional experiences it takes you to the link below
Faith and Infertility an Online Ensign Exclusive
And this is the link to my article: Mending My Broken Heart

There you go, some heavy reading material. Not for the faint of heart :)

Christmas pics

2012-01-05T09:25:00.000-08:00

I just posted an update on my other blog if you want to see pics from Christmas.

No pregnancy horror story here

2011-11-30T12:26:00.000-08:00

Today I was at the park with several other moms and their kids. And as often happens, the conversation eventually led to everyone sharing their pregnancy horror stories and why they weren't quite ready to have more kids. I obviously didn’t have much to add to the conversation as I have not been pregnant and am not anticipating a pregnancy. And El Guapo runs around quite a bit at the park, while the other moms have girls who are a little calmer. And this park has a duck pond where El Guapo loves trying to catch the ducks and run into the pond after them, so I wasn’t able to really stand around and chat. El Guapo and I eventually made our way back to the swings and as I pushed him and another little girl in the swings I could imagine how it would be to have two kids. So with a smile, I told the group, “Well, I’m ready for two kids”. I also told them it sounded like I got the better end of the deal and that I hadn’t missed out on anything by not being pregnant.

It is funny, because while in the thick of infertility treatments, when I would see a pregnant lady I used to think I was really missing out. But I don’t think that at all anymore. I can’t even really imagine being pregnant, it just isn’t part of my life story, and that’s just fine with me. When the topic turns to pregnancy woes I often think of El Guapo’s birth mother and how much I admire and love her for all that she went through to bring El Guapo into the world.

I also wonder about the future and what it holds for our family. I wonder what our second child’s birth mother’s pregnancy and birth story will be. And I can only hope that pregnancy and child birth will treat her more kindly than it did to the moms who were swapping stories at the park today.

I was also reminded of this quote "Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget, not for a minute, You weren’t born under my heart--but in it."

Fleur Conkling Heyliger

While my children are not "born under my heart", they are definitely "born in it". And that my friends, is one of the beautiful things about adoption. No pregnancy horror story, just all the love and happiness that comes with arrival of a new member of the family :D

I can hardly wait!

2011-11-02T14:20:00.000-07:00

Big NEWS my friends,

Our adoption profile is live. Granted, it just barely happened, so hardly anyone knows, but I know, and I just let a few people know and now that I have done that I can hardly contain my excitement. I just want to tell everyone that soon we will have another little bundle of joy.

Aaaaaaaah! I can hardly wait. Deep breath. I have no idea how long or how soon till we adopt again, but now that our profile is up, it is like it could happen any day. I won't think about the fact that it might not happen for awhile, or that sometimes these things don't work out. Right now I will find joy in this feeling of excitement and anticipation of the arrival of another little baby to our home and to my arms.

I just took that moment. It was wonderful. This definitely calls for a celebration!

p.s. this is the link to our profile. Feel free to spread the word that we are hoping to adopt again.

Also, you will see that in the profile and in my new family blog, I refer to El Guapo by name. I would ask that you still refer to him here as El Guapo, as the profile and blog will be closed out after the adoption is finalized, and I want to keep his cyber footprint as small as possible :D

My monkey

2011-11-01T07:44:00.000-07:00

Last week I took my little monkey to a trunk or treat. As you can see, he had a fabulous time. He is such a joy to have in my life. I am thinking of all of you who are still yearning for children. I know holidays can be so hard when all you want is to be able to share them with a little one.

Easy Canvas Prints Review

2011-10-21T09:09:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to receive a canvas print of a picture of mine from Easy Canvas Prints. And as you can imagine from their name, it was very easy to do.

The hardest part for me was choosing the picture that would become a canvas and a part of my picture wall.

Once I had chosen the picture I then had to choose what size canvas to order. That part was also a bit tricky. I decided to find the area in the house that I wanted to put the picture, and then measured the space to determine what size to order. I ended up choosing the 11x14 size. And am happy with how that size canvas fits in the space. (I do think I will put a frame around my print, just because all of the other pictures on the wall have frames, and then I think it will look even better in the spot I chose for it). All of the available sizes to order from are on the website. It is a well laid out and easy to navigate website.

I chose the size I wanted, then I uploaded my picture. I had cropped it a bit to get rid of some unnecessary space, so I was concerned about the image quality, but after I uploaded it I saw there was a bar that checked the image quality. That was very helpful and reassuring, as it is hard to tell from the tiny window that the picture is uploaded into.

The next step in ordering the canvas print was to choose the border style for the sides of the canvas. One thing to note on this portion is if you choose to wrap the border with the picture, you may end up cutting off a head of a person in the picture, or losing some other portions of the picture, because you are now wrapping your canvas with the picture. I decided to do a standard black border all around the canvas. You can choose any color you would like for the border if you don't want to use your picture to wrap around it.

And that was it. I completed the transaction and waited for the arrival of my canvas print. Sounds easy enough, doesn't it?

Then I just needed to wait for my picture to arrival. I was excited and nervous at the same time. I hoped I had chosen a good picture and size. And I hoped the canvas would look good.

I was not disappointed. The canvas looks great. It is very good quality and I love having a family picture up on the wall. Any problems with the picture are the fault of my own--We tried to take this family picture 3 different times with it set up on my tripod using the timer. It is hard to do, especially with a wiggly boy who is close to his bed time by they time my husband gets home from work in time to take the picture, and me trying to set up the camera correctly. But we did it, and I love how it turned out.

I would definitely recommend this company as the place to go to get a quality canvas print of a picture you want to preserve and showcase in your home.

This was the picture I chose

Here it is hanging up

(The lighting in my house is not that great, but just in case you were wondering, the colors in the canvas print are the same as the original picture)

You can see how El Guapo has not only taken over our lives and hearts, but also our wall!

Birthday Boy

2011-10-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

El Guapo is 1 yr old! We had a good time celebrating with a few friends--we all enjoyed watching El Guapo eat his cupcake. I will let the pictures tell the story. He also liked his presents--trucks, balls, monkey costume, etc.

the cupcakes

the cake

El Guapo is ready to get that cupcake

Down the hatch

Yum, this is good.

Ice cream too? Yippee

My chocolately boy

Enjoying his new truck

In his monkey costume

That's all folks.

"He could be your son"

2011-09-27T17:21:00.000-07:00

"Well that's good, because he is."

The more I have thought about this recent conversation I had with an acquaintance of mine, the more I have mixed emotions about it.

I feel bad about it. I also feel a little frustrated and tired of the "he looks just like you" comment. And I just wish this innocent conversation and comment had gone better.

El Guapo was in his stroller, and when Jen* (not her real name, there are a million zillion Jen's out there, so I figured that was a good name to use) came up to say hello. And don't get me wrong, this is a really nice person, and I don't want her to feel bad if she ever somehow came across this post. Anyhow, so she said hi to El Guapo and asked how he was doing. I told her that he was almost walking, and we were doing good. Then she said, "I can't believe how much he looks like you, he could be your son."

Side note--for some reason, I have never really understood this comment. And I get it a lot. Because, yes, El Guapo and I do have the similar skin color, and we both have dark eyes and dark hair. But that's where our similarities stop. And that is perfectly fine with me. I don't know when people say this if they are trying to make me feel better about adoption--to which I feel perfectly fine and great about adoption and having a child that looks different than me. Or is this just one of the first thing that pops into people's head when they don't know how to respond to the fact that you have a child who happens to be adopted. I don't know.

I always just say, yeah, he does look a little like me, but not so much like his dad. (my hubby is pretty fair skinned). And then I usually say, that he actually looks a lot like his birth parents--which he does. I really don't think he looks at all like me. And why would he?

Anyhow. After Jen told me that El Guapo could be mine son, I replied as stated above, that, actually, he was my son. I didn't mean anything by it, and I think it was just a knee jerk reaction and that I responded that way b/c she said he could be my son. She felt really bad, and started apologizing profusely and saying, "Of course he's your son", and "I am so sorry". I told her not to worry about it, and that I didn't mean to make her feel bad. And I meant it. I told her the same stuff about how he doesn't look like my hubby and that I was just joking (b/c I was actually joking and laughing when I told her that it was good he could be my son, b/c he was my son).

This is quite a long ramble. But I just felt like writing about it. I will just leave the conversation where it is and hopefully when I run into Jen again, she won't feel awkward--but I think she might. "sigh"

Here we go again...

2011-09-17T18:29:00.000-07:00

We are in the process of completing our application to begin another adoption. It mostly exciting, but it also makes me a little nervous and overwhelmed. Nervous because there are so many other people hoping to adopt, and as I let that nervousness overwhelm me I can't help but wonder, how in the world will we be chosen again? But at the same time I am hopeful and excited because I know it can happen. Our little boy fit into our family just perfectly, so I have confidence that when the time is right, the right baby will be placed with us.

So now, I better get work on our application. Thankfully we don't have to fill out as much paperwork as before, but it is still a process. I will let you know when our application goes live. It is probably still a few weeks out because we need to have another home visit, get reference letters sent in, and do a few other things. But it is exciting that things are moving in the right direction.

Getting close

2011-09-15T07:51:00.000-07:00

El Guapo is almost 1 year old. I am excited to celebrate this special day with him. This year has flown by and has been so fun. It is amazing how much a little baby changes and grows in one year. El Guapo has such a fun personality and is a joy to be around. He makes friends where ever we go, and gives the best hugs and smiles.

I am not a very good party planner, so I am a little nervous about that. I think we will just do something ultra small w/ a few friends and family. We also have a small house so it doesn't lend itself to big groups and lots of kids. But I think having a small get together is more my speed anyway.

I really want to make a cute cake, I have been looking on the internet for ideas, and have seen some cute ones. Here is a link to one site that has some fun ones. http://www.parenting.com/node/122102 Of course, I like the monkey one. But I also like the football and dump truck ones. I just want to make them all :) Good thing, there will be many more birthdays to come.

And now some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

Where Oh Where Have I Been?

2011-08-31T08:49:00.000-07:00

I have been here and there. I have been busy with my little sidekick, and then I went on a fabulous vacation to Alaska :D

I seem to have lost my blogging mo jo. I don't quite know what I feel like writing about. I look at your blogs, and comment occasionally, but for the most part, I have taken a sabbatical.

I am so happy for those of you that have success in your efforts of having children, and my heart aches for those of you who continue to experience setbacks and loss.

Pregnant ladies at the pool playdate

2011-07-26T07:39:00.000-07:00

* I will also refer to "my little guy" as "El Guapo" (Handsome)

Last week I took El Guapo to the pool for a little playdate with some other families that go to our church. A lot of people are out of town because it is so hot here, so only 3 other ladies were there with their kids. It just so happened that all of them are very pregnant.

Well, one of the ladies had just moved into the area, so we were talking and getting to know one another. She asked about El Guapo, including how old he was, and when his birthday would be. I told her it was in the fall. She then told me that she was due with her 2nd baby in the fall. She proceeded to tell me, how she was already so hot and didn't know how she would make it through this hot summer being pregnant. Then, the best part was, she said, "but you know how that is, if your baby was born in the fall."

Ha ha ha. I just laughed and said, "Actually, I don't" :) And I told her that my husband and I had adopted El Guapo.

It was pretty funny. I got a good laugh over it.

We then talked a little about the adoption, and enjoyed the rest of our pool time.

Strange, but true

2011-07-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went shopping--alone.

My little sidekick was at home hanging with his grandma while I was kicked out of the house. It was very strange to be out on my own. I just wandered around the stores taking my time. It felt really weird. I was reminded of how I used to feel before my little guy came along. I was really bored. Maybe another time I will love the free time. Maybe because I didn't really have any errands I needed to get done and I was really just wasting time waiting until I could go back home that I felt the way I did. Because I have left my little guy with others in the past and haven't felt the way I did yesterday. Though, I will admit, it did make it a bit easier to shop. :)

Oh, and I think my little guy is finally finished with his bout of barfing and diarrhea. Hallelujah. This was one first (first sickness), that I didn't enjoy. I have done way too much laundry for my liking this week. And I have missed going to the pool during this heatwave we have been having. But, I definitely didn't want to be the one with the kid who made the water murky, so we have steered clear of the pool this last week.

Sick :(

2011-07-08T17:46:00.000-07:00

My little guy has been sick the last few days. It is so sad. Yesterday I decided to run a few errands, and less than 10 min after entering my first store, I looked down, and my little guy had barfed all over himself and his carseat/stroller. Since then he has barfed a few more times and had a lot of diarrhea. I happened to have a well child checkup visit scheduled for him today so that worked out well.

He barfed while at the doctor's office right before I had put him back in his newly cleaned carseat. Thank goodness he didn't barf in it, it was difficult to take apart, clean, and then the hardest part was remembering how to put it all back together again.

My little guy has been a trooper though. He is hanging in there, and hopefully will get some sleep tonight and feel better soon.

Showing off his teeth

2011-06-22T14:07:00.000-07:00

I finally managed to get a decent picture of my little guy's two bottom teeth. They may be small and cute, but beware, if you stick your finger in his mouth you will learn that they are also very sharp.

Also, I wanted to announce that the randomly selected winner of the Baby Orajel® Naturals giveaway contest was the 13th poster: Angel Jacklyn. Thank you to everyone for reading the review and participating in the giveaway contest.

Would you like some juice?

2011-06-15T19:18:00.000-07:00

I like this picture I took of my little guy today. I know it's nothing fancy, but it reminds me of the fun time we had together today. My little guy has a new hobby. It involves chasing the empty juice bottle as it rolls around under my kitchen floor, and then occasionally trying to see if he can get any juice out of it even though the lid is on. He is so much fun to have around.

Busy Week

2011-06-11T17:27:00.000-07:00

Well I had another busy week. My little guy is quite the explorer these days. We have been working on baby proofing our house, which will probably be an ongoing process for the next while.
Just when we thought his crib was low enough, he learned how to stand up in it.
My little guy likes to shove anything and everything in his mouth. I prefer him to stuff food in it, but he likes the non edible items as well.

But the funniest is how he likes to lick everything. He especially likes to lick the kitchen floor and refrigerator. It is hilarious. But it also requires me to try to keep my house spick and span--not an easy task.

Just a reminder, there is still time to enter the giveaway and read my review about the Baby Orajel® Naturals teething gel. Click on this link to view it.

The pain of miscarriage

2011-06-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

Last night I read about my dear friend Augusta's miscarriage. As sadness filled my heart I have thought what can I do? What can I say? How can I convey my love and concern for her, her husband, and her friend who donated a precious egg who are all mourning this loss?

I suppose I will simply write that my heart goes out to her and to all who had such hope and joy in the arrival of their child. As I mourned this loss I returned to the age old question of: Why? To which I say, I don't know. I only hope there will be people close to Augusta and her husband who can be sensitive and kind to them during this painful time in their life.

I did read a few articles from my church's website this morning about miscarriage, that helped me learn more about the pain it brings. I also read an article about one woman's story of what she learned while bedridden during a pregnancy that ultimately resulted in a miscarriage. I will add those links should anyone like to read them.

Easing the pain of miscarriage: How can you help when a loved one is suffering?
The unconfined heart: sometimes our struggles increase our ability to care

Augusta has such a big heart and has been a dear friend to me on my blog. In fact, while she is mourning her loss, she still visited my blog to comment on a recent post about my little boy. She is strong, compassionate, and kind. I hope you will visit her blog and let her know you care about her.

Brand New Tooth

2011-05-31T17:29:00.000-07:00

My baby grew a tooth. It is so small, but it's there. I discovered it during lunch. I tried to get a picture of it, but my little guy kept it hidden the rest of the day. I had to double check to make sure it was really there by running my finger along the bottom of his mouth.

Over the weekend my little guy had very rosy cheeks. I wasn't sure why. I wondered if maybe he was allergic to something, but I couldn't think of anything new he had been exposed to. I ultimately asked internet about it, and one explanation was that a tooth might be on it's way. I hoped that was the reason for the rosy cheeks. Well, the rosiness subsided, and a tooth appeared.

Who knew I could get so excited about a tooth. And this is just the first of many to come.

Just a reminded that you can click on this link to read my review of a great teething pain reliever: Orajel®, and then enter the giveaway as well.

No teeth in sight

2011-05-23T07:09:00.000-07:00

My little guy was teething a lot a few weeks ago and was experiencing a lot of pain associated with it. But since then, he seems to have settled down. No more teething pain, but no teeth to show for it either. As a newbie at all of this, I guess I will just wait and see what happens next. In the meantime, I have my Orajel® on hand, so I am set. The Orajel® really seemed to help him when he was teething and I was glad I had it available. Check out my review of the first time I used Orajel® for my baby. And don't forget to enter the giveaway after reading it.

The Joys of Formula Feeding

2011-05-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

For quite some time I have wanted to write about why formula feeding will not sentence your child to a life of obesity or stupidity along with the other myriad of things you hear when breastfeeding is touted over bottle feeding.

I have held off because I did not want to put up with hearing how wrong I was and how "breast was best". I get it. Breast feeding is natural, difficult, and great for some people, but it's not for everyone. Not everyone can or wants to breastfeed. And whether you do or don't breastfeed for whatever reason, mothers should not have to overcome some guilt trip about it. I know the benefits of breastfeeding and always planned on breastfeeding my baby. But then again, I used to always want to get pregnant and have a natural birth as well.

There are all sorts of issues that occur with breastfeeding that can make it difficult and reasons why mothers don't breastfeed--supply issues, anatomy issues, and medical issues of both mom and baby just to name a few. And then there is just a woman's situation and personal preference that needs to be taken into account when she is determining whether to breast or bottle feed, or to do both.

When I found out we would be adopting our little boy I didn't have much time to get ready. One thing I did was research a bit more to decide what formula I would to give my little guy. And as I read websites and information, some of them start to talk about how bottle feeding is not as good as breastfeeding and I began to feel guilty that I would be formula feeding my baby. Crazy, huh? Well, I got over it.

So my little guy has bottle fed and done fabulous. And frankly, I cannot imagine breastfeeding. Bottle feeding is easy, convenient, and nutritious. My baby is smart, healthy, and amazing. I am proud to say that my baby has formula fed. If you decide to formula feed for whatever reason, don't feel guilty about it. It is a great way to feed your baby.

Teething Baby? Try Baby Orajel® Naturals

2011-05-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

My baby has begun teething. I had no idea teething took so long and could hurt so much. I was asked by BlogHer to review a product called Baby Orajel® Naturals. You can read my review of the first time I used it at this link here. After you read my review, be sure to enter the giveaway contest as well.

Why bother?

2011-05-13T18:28:00.000-07:00

Many times I have wondered why I should bother filling out medical forms. From my experience they don't seem to be read. I cannot count the number of times I have written my medical history on forms only to have to then verbally explain it all to the nurse or doctor who has my form in front of them but didn't bother to read it.

A few weeks ago I took my little guy to the eye doctor. On the medical history form I had to fill out there was actually a box where I could check that he was adopted. I thought to myself, "What a great idea. One less thing to explain when I am asked about his medical history." Furthermore, as I continued completing the form, when I got to the family eye history portion I clearly wrote: "Birth mother:" and then "Birthfather:" when I wrote in familial eye information.

I guess my diligence in filling out this form was purely for my benefit and to give me something to do in the waiting room. When the nurse was asking me about my baby's eyes, she said, "Oh, and I see that you wrote that you wear glasses and that, and that your husband is near sighted, (or whatever it was that I had put down)." I then corrected her and told her that actually, that information was about my son's birth parents.

She seemed a little embarrassed and flustered, but it didn't' bother me. You see, I am used to people not reading medical records. I do admit that seeing the "adoption box" to check on the form had gotten my hopes up that it would be read. Oh well, that's life.

And by the way, my baby's eyes are just fine.

Hoping

2011-05-06T18:54:00.000-07:00

I am hoping that all of you are able to get through this weekend as well as possible. I know how difficult it can be. I hope that the child you are waiting for will join your family soon.

Know that I am thinking about all of you this weekend.

Infertility Myth Buster

2011-04-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

For National Infertility Awareness Week I decided I would participate in Resolve's "Bust an Infertilty Myth" blog challenge.

The myth I have chosen to write about is well known and I am sure many of you have heard it. It is: "Just adopt and then you'll get pregnant".

Many people who knew my husband and I were hoping to adopt a child would tell me, "You know, once you adopt, you will get pregnant." And then after we adopted our child, invariably some people just had to tell us about some random person they knew who had adopted a child and was now pregnant.

When people say this is I really don't think they are thinking about what they are saying. Do they really think I adopted my child in hopes that once I did so I would become pregnant and have a biological child?

Adoption is not a means to becoming pregnant. In fact only 5% of couples who adopt later become pregnant. It is a very insensitive thing to say to someone who has adopted a child. And when I am told this, I cringe, take a deep breath and try to explain in the nicest way possible that this is simply not true and I that I don't appreciate hearing this statement. I cannot imagine our family without our little guy who came through us through the miracle and blessing of adoption. I would hate for him to think that we adopted him only in hopes that by doing so I would then become pregnant and have a biological child. Love, not blood, is what binds my family together.

Finalizing our Adoption

2011-04-21T09:37:00.000-07:00

Last week was busy and exciting, and this week, it seems to be just as busy. Here is it Thursday and I don't really have time to write, but I figured if I didn't do it now, I wouldn't catch another free moment later.

In order to finalize our adoption we needed to go to court and receive legal custody. Over the past 6 months we have had physical custody, but our agency retained legal custody for a period of 6 months. We needed to get a lawyer and have him do some paperwork in order to complete the process. So last week we were able to go to court to receive legal custody.

We drove up to the court house, but on our way my husband asked if I had my wallet and ID. Did I? Of course not. I had forgotten it, but told him I didn't think I needed it. But he wanted me to have it just in case. So we turned around, drove back and I retrieved it. This put us arriving 30 min late to the courthouse. So I was a little nervous. Who wants to be late to court? Not me. We were told that the judge would randomly call up the cases to be heard and when we were called we would go up. When we arrived the room was quiet and pretty empty. I was a little nervous. Were we too late? What had we missed? The judge was nowhere to be seen

We saw our lawyer and sat on the bench with him and apologized for being late and explained what had happened. He said, no problem. I asked him where the judge was and if we had missed anything. He told me that the judge hadn't arrived yet. Thank Goodness. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I still don't know what would've happened if he had called us up and we weren't there. We settled in our bench to wait. Five minutes later, the judge arrived, and guess who was called up first? Yes, we were.

Our little guy was asleep, but I wanted him to be awake for this occasion. So I rustled his blankets a little and his eyes popped open. So then I lifted him out of his stroller and held him for the few minutes it took for the judge to hear our case. When the judge saw our little guy looking at him and listening he laughed. Then the judge stated we were our child's legal parents, took a picture with us, and everything was finalized.

It was great. A very fun and adventurous morning. Then we went out to breakfast to celebrate. :)

Oh, and some of you might be wondering, did I need my ID? Nope. Nobody asked for it. But, we did need a check, which we didn't have. Who carries a checkbook around these days? Well, we found out that my mother in law does. So that worked out well. We needed to write a check so we could get our little guy's birth certificate sent to us. That reminds me, we never paid her back for that. I guess I will have to get a check in the mail to her for that. :)

Busy Week

2011-04-15T15:35:00.000-07:00

It has been a busy week here. Between company in town, getting our bathrooms remodeled, and finalizing our baby's adoption we have been quite busy. Yes, you just read that right! Our adoption is finalized! Woo hoo. I will write more details about it next week.

Time flies

2011-04-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

when you're having fun.

And we have been having a lot of it.

It has been an amaizng 6 months.

I just love this little guy.

Do Your Best and Forget the Rest

2011-03-31T14:31:00.000-07:00

Over the last 2+ months, my husband and I have been doing the P90X exercise DVDs. It has been hard, challenging, good, sweaty, and fun. I have done more push ups and pull ups than I ever thought was possible. And I also actually have a decent bicep and a 2 pack of abs. (Still working on the 6 pack). The trainer on the DVDs, Tony Horton, is actually pretty entertaining. The workouts go fairly quickly, and I feel so great afterwards. It has also helped me get a good start to the day. It is also helpful to be doing them with my husband, because we help each other wake up and maintain our motivation.

Anyhow, one of my favorite lines that Tony always says is, "Do your best, and forget the rest." I have liked this line, because when a hard day rolls around, I think of this line and it helps. All I can do is my best. I can control that much of a situation. And then I just need to forget and not worry about the rest.

Maybe someday soon, if I am courageous enough, I will post a picture of my muscles. Doubtful, but you never know. My husband and I like watching the videos people make of their transformation from this program. Some of them are pretty amazing. It sure is nice to fit into clothes I hadn't worn in years, and to now have the problem of needing to purchase some belts so my clothes will stay on.

Poem: Just the Same

2011-03-23T08:33:00.000-07:00

My church puts out a monthly magazine called the Ensign, and the April issue arrived the other day. I was so happy to see an article about infertility in it. Unfortunately, the electronic version is not up yet, maybe it doesn't go up until April begins. When I am able to post it for you I will. But in the meantime, I happened to see a poem in the magazine and as I read it I realized it was about adoption. I thought it was a beautiful poem, so I thought I would share.

Just the Same

By Diana Lynn Lacey

Sometimes--

God sends rain

Straight from the sky

To nourish the young flower

and it grows.

Sometimes--

God sends rain from the sky

To the mountaintops,

Then over hills and through valleys

Until it reaches the flower

and it grows, just the same.

Sometimes--

God sends a child

Straight from His realm

Into a mother's arms

and love grows.

Sometimes--

God sends a child

From heaven to another's arms,

Then over hills and through valleys

Until he reaches the arms of his mother

and love grows, just the same.

Open Adoption

2011-03-21T20:32:00.000-07:00

When people hear about our adoption a natural question that is asked of us is, "is it open?" Usually, the person asking this doesn't even know what he or she is really asking. An open adoption is such a broad term and is different for each birthparent and adoptive couple.

Before our adoption was finalized my husband and I attended an adoption conference. At this conference they had a panel of birthmothers who shared their experiences and answered our questions. I learned many things from them, but one thing that I learned was how different each of their "open" adoptions were.

And the interesting thing was that for each one of them, how they had their communication and level of openness set up, worked for them. I was reminded not to promise to a level of openness I was not willing to commit to. Equally important, these birthmothers shared how the thing they feared the most was that the level of openness decided upon would not be honored by the adoptive family.

Everyone has heard horror stories of this happening and understandably, nobody wants it to happen to them. Our son's birthparents were concerned about this happening to them as well. No one enforces your relationship with one another after placement, it is between you and your child's birthparents. The tricky thing about adoption is that not until after papers are signed and our son was placed with us, we didn't have the opportunity to prove ourselves and that we were good for our word. Our son's birthparents had to trust us at our word, which is a hard and scary thing to do. We could often sense that they were nervous about this, so we tried to be proactive and remind them of our commitment to them and the level of openness we had decided upon. So this was also nerve wracking for us. Prior to the placement, we trusted them in their commitment to the adoption, and then after placement our son's birthparents would have to trust us in our commitments to them.

Is our adoption open? Yes. What does that mean? Well, in our adoption we send emails and pictures. We felt that the first few weeks, and then also on holidays and birthdays would be especially difficult for our son's birth mother. So we sent texts and pictures on a daily basis the first little while. We also told her that if she was having a hard day and just wanted to see a picture of the little guy, to call or text us and we would send one. She always sends a text saying hello when he turns another month old and I send a picture of him to her.

Our son's birthparents asked if they could visit the little guy at Christmas time and give him a gift. We told them, "Of course." It was nice to see them and they seemed to enjoy seeing the little guy. I am happy with how the communication we have with our son's birthparents. They are great people and we care about them. They gave us one of the most wonderful gifts we had ever received, and I will never forget them for that.

I am happy with the relationship we have with our son's birthparents. And I am grateful for the love and respect they show to us as well.

Like Magic

2011-03-18T16:55:00.000-07:00

Whenever my little guy is tired and I can't get him to sleep I take him on a walk around the block and like magic, he falls asleep. I love that circle. Tonight he was fussy and tired, so I decided it would be easier to put him down to sleep if I took him on a walk first. Dressed in his dinosaur pjs, out we went. He was crying a little as I closed the door behind us. My neighbors were outside playing catch and they made some joke about how my baby was mad b/c I didn't take him out earlier. I laughed, but didn't have time to stop and chat b/c I needed to settle my little one down. A minute later he had stopped crying and I was able to make him laugh by shaking a toy on his stroller at him. A minute later his eyes were droopy. And then 3 min later he was asleep. I smiled victoriously as I rounded the corner to home. I was hoping my neighbors were still outside. I was not disappointed. They looked at my baby and said, "Is he asleep?" I replied, "Yep, I call this walk the "magic circle". I love it. It works every time."

Then I wheeled my little guy inside and then carefully picked him up and set him in his crib. It was great.

Humbled

2011-03-08T18:08:00.000-08:00

That is how I feel right now.

I just reread some thoughts I had written a few months ago about my journey from devastation, sadness with infertility to one where I faced the unknown future with hope and peace. As I read it, I felt humbled and I was filled with love and gratitude for God and our Savior Jesus Christ. In some ways it felt like I had gone back in a time machine. As I read it I felt the sadness I had felt and then the renewed hope and joy that I also felt during that trying time in my life. It also seemed so long ago. I almost feel like I was a different person then. Just trying to keep my head afloat and not let the despair of childlessness drown me took a lot of effort. It was so difficult. I have a small knot of dread and nervousness in the pit of my stomach right now as I think about how I might fare this next time when we try to adopt another child. I would be naive to think things would go as quickly and as well as they did this time. But I guess I can still hope.

I will go into it as a completely different person though. And as difficult as it might be, it really does help and bring comfort knowing that I have an amazing son that I love so very much.

Today was a great day. I love watching my husband interact with our son. He was such a proud papa today. I took our little guy to meet him for lunch at a duck pond near his work. As we pulled up to the site, my husband told our little guy, "your mom and I talked about bringing you hear a long time ago." That is true, but I had completely forgotten about that. It had been so long ago, back when we thought it was easy to get pregnant and have a baby. My husband showed our son all of the ducks and it was so sweet to see him with him. It was such a wonderful day.

So with that memory fresh in my mind and then with having read those words I wrote in the past, I couldn't help but feel filled with gratitude and humility for the wonderful son I have been blessed to have in my home.

A whole new wardrobe

2011-03-01T10:08:00.000-08:00

How would it be to wake up from a nap and find that you had a whole new set of clothes waiting for you? I would love that. And if I could wear these clothes for 3 months and then have it happen again. Even better.

Today I am cleaning out my little guy's clothes. He keeps growing and growing. The first few months he breezed through his newborn clothes and had jumped into his 3 month clothes by the time he was 2 months old. Then he took his time enjoying those clothes, but is now wanting to get a chance to wear his 3-6 month and 6 month clothes before he grows out of them.

Baby clothes sizing is so tricky. I am looking at the 6 month clothes and they say they will fit babies 12-16 lbs and 24-26 inches. Well, my baby is 17 lbs and 27 inches. And they are just now fitting him. Or maybe they would've fit him sooner, and now I am worried that he will only get to wear these clothes a few weeks. Aaah. I guess it's good to have these types of problems to worry about. I am sure he will help me out by drooling and spitting all over them so he can wear 2-3 outfits a day.

I hope these clothes don't shrink in the wash, or I'll really be in trouble. So far I haven't had any trouble with his clothes shrinking. I have learned a little bit more about the many knobs on my washer and dryer and what they mean. I know, technically I should wash them before he wears them, but I don't. He had so many 3 month size clothes and I thought he would wear them just a few weeks at the rate he had been growing that I exchanged some of them for 6 month size clothes. And now it seems like I have too many 6 month clothes. Oh well. I'll just see what he gets through and then if he doesn't get to wear some of the ones with tags on I will exchange them for a bigger size. But he will probably have just enough and my worries will be for naught.

I am a bit concerned about the clothes I have that say they are a 6-12 month size. That is quite a range. I am hoping they will fit him when he is 9-12 months old.

It has been both sad and exciting to organize my little one's drawers. Sad to put his cute little onesies I love away, but exciting to see the new ones he will wear. I think of the people that gave him those clothes and the love they have for my little guy and it brings a smile to my face. I have such happy memories when I look at the clothes my little guy has worn.

Who knew you could get so sentimental about clothing?

My husband's aunt gave him this pj outfit. He looks so cute in them. I will be sad when he no longer fits into these. I am glad I put them on him early. The size said 6 months, but they barely fit him when he was 3 months. And then they seemed to stretch out a bit and they still fit him. I think he will wear these to bed tonight.

Our son's birthfather's sister gave him this outfit. It was so thoughtful and nice of her.

One of my brothers gave him this Letterman's jacket. I love it when it is cold enough for him to wear it. And I get sad when he gets too warm and I need to take it off.

Another brother of mine gave him this outfit. I was feeling "bananas over my baby" and had fun making two of him with the photobooth feature on my computer. :D You can never have too much of a good thing.

Rice Try

2011-02-23T12:46:00.000-08:00

This week has been filled with adventures for me and my little guy. He started eating rice cereal. The first time I gave it to my little guy he did not know what to do with it. It reminded me of when a dog is fed peanut butter. The dog just moves it around in his mouth and his tongue goes crazy and then it all drools out. That is what happened for us and rice cereal. I like to think that if my monkey could talk, he would've said, "rice try" to my attempts to feed him.

He has done better all of the times since then, except today. I was feeding him in his bumbo chair where I can sit him up a bit, but he kept trying to get out of it so I went and sat on the sofa, and then held him on my lap and tried to feed him. We have done this before, without any difficulties. But not today. The rice cereal spilled and made a mess. Oh well. I tried to clean it up and was afraid I had stained the sofa, but it is looking better now. I am guessing this won't be the last stain my sofa gets. I can just imagine kids throwing up on it or spilling on it, and then if they don't I'm sure I will drop something on it. But I will think twice before I try feeding him on the sofa again. I now have a better understanding as to why parents are so adamant that their kids not eat on the sofa or carpet. It is hard to clean up.

Finding Joy in Life Talk

2011-02-21T07:49:00.000-08:00

This was the talk I gave in church yesterday. I think it went well. You never know. Everyone will always tell you that you did a good job, but I decided to believe that they were sincere. I think it did go pretty well. At the very least, I know I did my best. And that is all I can do.

One neat thing was when I stood up to give my talk, my friend who was holding my little guy said that as soon as he heard my voice over the microphone that he turned around and looked at me. I remember seeing him look at me and that brought a smile to my face while I was trying to give my talk.

side note, leaders in my church are often referred to as Elder or President, so that is what you will see written here.

Finding Joy in Life

We are here on this earth for a divine purpose. We came here to be tried and tested. Not to be “endlessly entertained” or to be in constant “pursuit of pleasure”. So, if, as the Book of Mormon prophet Lehi declared in 2 Nephi 2:25 “men are that they might have joy”. How do we obtain that joy while dealing with the trials and difficulties that come our way? Because although we are meant to have joy, we also know “it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things” (2 Ne 2:11)

In Elder Scott’s talk: Finding Joy in Life (ensign 1996), he said, “Sadness, disappointment, and severe challenge are events in life, not life itself.” While these events or challenges in our lives are difficult and at times seemingly never ending, we cannot let them “become the confining center of everything [we] do”.

What trials or challenges might any of us here currently be facing? Difficulty in school or work? Challenges in our marriage or family? Illness? Death of a loved one? Could our patience be waning as we continue to wait for the righteous desires of our heart to be fulfilled? Are any of us weighed down by sin? Could some of us here be questioning our faith in God or struggling to live, and accept the gospel of Jesus Christ?

With these trials we are facing, how in the world are we supposed to find joy in this life? Do we wait until our trial is over? No. We can experience joy now.

Pres. Faust said, “Happiness is not given to us in a package that we can just open up and consume. Nobody is ever happy 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Rather than thinking in terms of a day, we perhaps need to snatch happiness in little pieces, learning to recognize the elements of happiness and then treasuring them while they last.” (Our Search for Happiness", Ensign, Oct. 2000)

Elder Scott said that our joy in life depends upon the faith we exercise in our Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ, and in our level of faith in the ability of God’s plan of happiness to bring us joy.

It doesn’t depend on whether or not life is going on as we had planned. Because if you don’t know already, you will soon discover that life does not usually go as planned.

As the scripture states: “men are that they might have joy”. From this we learn that our joy is conditional upon our actions. We must choose obedience and we must choose faith in God if we are to experience the fullness of joy the Lord has in store for us.

Elder Scott compared our trials to a pebble. If we hold a pebble close to our eye, it seems like a huge, insurmountable obstacle. But, if we cast the pebble on the ground we can see it in its proper perspective. In this perspective we can prevent this pebble or trial from “overtak[ing] our vision, absorb[ing] our energy, [or] depriv[ing] us of the joy and beauty the Lord intends us to receive here on earth.” Are we like “rocks” or “corks” when thrown into a sea of problems? Do we sink like a rock and drown? Or do we fight to be free and bob up like a cork, determined to overcome our challenges?

Elder Scott also said, “The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not.”

We can also find joy in life as we pray in faith, search the scriptures, and as we learn from others who “have made peace with their challenges and live with joy amid adversity”.

Learning from the people of Alma in the Book of Mormon, has given me strength and has taught me to have patience and faith in my trials. The people of Alma were a righteous people who had made a covenant with the Lord to follow Him. Yet, in Mosiah 23: 21 we learn that the Lord saw fit to try “their patience and their faith”. While they were in bondage to Lamanites the people of Alma cried to the Lord for help. As they did so, the Lord promised them, “I will also ease the burdens…that even you cannot feel them upon your backs… and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions…And…the burdens…were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Mosiah 24:13-15).

The people of Alma did not “concentrate on what [they] didn’t have or [had] lost”. Counting the blessings we have rather than the ones we don’t have will bring us joy. Elder Scott reminds us that the Lord has promised to share all he possesses with those that love and obey Him. Elder Scott also encourages us to seek out the “compensatory blessings in our life when, in the wisdom of the Lord He deprives you of something you very much want.” This might be added patience and strength much like the people of Alma received. Or it could be a strengthening of testimony as when we see that the Lord does visit us in our afflictions.

We can also find joy in this life as we give willing service and focus on others allowing ourselves to forget our own problems.

Being creative also brings satisfaction and happiness. President Uchdorf teaches us, “We were created with the express purpose and potential of experiencing a fulness of joy. Our birthright—and the purpose of our great voyage on this earth—is to seek and experience eternal happiness. One of the ways we find this is by creating things.” Our creativity does not need to be limited to playing a piano or painting a picture. We can create family memories or happy homes. (Happiness Our Heritage talk)

In the women’s conference I attended yesterday, (Saturday), the theme was “living after the manner of happiness”. President Riding counseled us to trust in God, because as the scripture in Proverbs 16:20 states, “whoso trusteth in the Lord, happy is he.”

“God’s love brings peace and joy” (Elder. Scott). When we trust in God we will feel of His love, and will feel joy. With my most recent seemingly never ending trial of my faith—waiting for a child to come to my family, I found that the times when I placed my trust in God, I was happy and felt joy. God does visit us in our afflictions. He does love us and wants us to be happy.

Finding Joy in Life

2011-02-16T15:13:00.000-08:00

I was asked to speak in church this week, and guess what my topic is? Yep, it is Finding Joy in Life. When I was told what I was supposed to speak about I laughed inside. How appropriate for of all the topics I could've been asked to speak on, that this would be the one.

I am trying to gather all of my thoughts and condense them into 7 min worth of material. A scripture and talk I was asked to reference are ones that I already wrote about in my blog here and here. So I have been reviewing those items as well.

As you can see, I am procrastinating.

Ok, back to work. Baby's sleeping, I need to take advantage of the little pocket of time that I have to pull this together.

Maybe you can all help me brainstorm: How have you found joy in your life despite the challenges you face?

Flying with an infant

2011-02-15T11:52:00.000-08:00

My trip was great. I had a good time visiting with family. My little guy touched the pacific ocean for the first time. It was a bit cold, so he didn't like it too much, but it was still fun. He enjoyed meeting new faces and being held by old and new friends. One thing I had been a bit nervous about was flying with my little guy. I had asked some friends and family members for tips on the logistics of bringing a stroller and formula on and if they had any tips for what to do while in the air, and they were quite helpful.

Traveling on the airplane with my little guy went pretty well. The way there was slightly harder. The flight was full, so I had to have my little one on my lap the whole time. I had a window seat and I was a bit nervous about that because I knew I would be stuck in my seat the whole time. But I had read that moms recommend the window because you have a little more room to set up your stuff and you don't need to worry about getting bumped and stuff by the flight attendant's cart and stuff. Unfortunately, my little guy needed a diaper change immediately after getting up in the air, but and the guy next to me had just fallen asleep and the guy next to him was engrossed in his iPad. I didn't want to bother them and make them get up, so I just changed his wet diaper in my lap. It wasn't bad. Later when my neighbor was awake I did get up to change my little one in the bathroom. I didn't want my neighbor to get upset or scared that he might get sprayed. I was a little nervous about changing him in the bathroom because I had no idea where the changing table would be. But as soon as I walked in I found it. It was above the toilet seat. I had never noticed it before. And it was good size and the diaper change was easy to do. It was nice to get up and we had fun looking in the bathroom mirror and smiling.

The 3 hr flight seemed longer than usual. Probably because I had a baby on my lap and I needed to entertain him most of the time. I was told to try not to have him sleep until he got on the plane, but of course he took a little cat nap before we boarded and didn't want to go back to sleep. I usually fall asleep on airplanes, but not this time.

The pressurized cabin didn't bother him. I had him suck on his pacifier and/or drink his milk when we took off and landed. One friend had told me of a tip she had learned from a flight attendant that can also help. Here is the tip: Mix hot and cold water to make lukewarm water. Pour it into 2 styrofoam cups, then put enough napkins or paper towels in the cups to absorb the water. Then cup the cups over your child's ears. She says it works every time. I ended up doing this for my little guy when our first flight was landing because he was wide awake, not hungry, and at first did not want to suck on his pacifier. I am sure my seat mate thought I was crazy, but hey, maybe it worked. My baby didn't cry at all. I wish I had 2 extra hands and I would've tried it on myself, because my ears always hurt so much from the pressure of coming down. I may have to construct a little headband type thing for next time. And I will let you know how it goes.

The way home was a breeze. Another full flight. Another window seat. This time I got on the plane a little earlier and had more time to get myself situated. The man next to me said he had been visiting his 4 1/2 mo old granddaughter, so he was very nice. The lady next to him was a bit grouchy and complained that her seat was broken. She said the seat cushion was uneven. So she was moved to a different seat. So my neighbor moved to the aisle seat. He said it felt exactly the same as his middle seat; and I had an open middle seat to lie my baby down on or to put my stuff on when I was holding my baby. It worked out great. Also, my little guy slept for most of the flight, and I was able to get a little nap in myself. The flight seemed to go much faster on the way home, so that was nice.

Gate checking my stroller and car seat was easy and it was nice to have those to push him around in at the airport. It was a little tricky taking it all down and putting it up with one hand when I needed to go through security with my baby in my arms, but I managed. I appreciated the help I received from people along the way at every stage of the journey.

Would I do it again?

You bet. I'll go anywhere and do anything as long as I can do it with this little guy.

Everything but the kitchen sink

2011-02-06T12:07:00.000-08:00

At least that's what it feels like.

I am going on a trip with my little boy. And just the packing alone about did me in. It takes me forever just to get out the door for a trip to the grocery store with him, so you can imagine how long it took to pack and make sure I had everything I might need for a week away.

I hope the flight goes well. I will pray for no delays, no big spit ups or blow outs, and hopefully my fellow passengers won't regret sitting next to me. It looks like it's a full flight. My hubby is staying home, so it is just me and the little one.

Wish me luck.

We will have a fun time. My little guy will get to meet more of my siblings, cousins, aunts/uncles, and one more set of grandparents. We are looking forward to it.

From flip flops to snow shoes

2011-02-01T15:15:00.000-08:00

Saturday and Sunday I was enjoying the lovely winter weather outside in a t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops. Today I am sitting inside watching the wind blow while the snow that fell begins to turn to ice. I ventured out of my house once to see if the mailman had come. Apparently he took a snow day. I don't blame him one bit. I was sad it was too cold to go out and play in the snow. One of these days I will build a snowman for my little guy. I am excited to do that. I have built snowmen alone, with friend's kids, and with my husband all in hopes that someday I could play in the snow with my little one. I know my little guy can't play in the snow with me yet, but soon he will, and when he does, we will have "snow" much fun.

Adventures in Couponing

2011-01-31T20:32:00.000-08:00

So I have decided to try my hand at "couponing". I hadn't realized that the act of using a bunch of coupons and groceries for next to nothing had it's own verb. I have clipped coupons off and on for years, only to lose them, forget them, or have them expire. But when I saw a recent FB post of a friend talking about how she was "couponing" I was intrigued. We are now a one income family and I wanted to work a little harder at saving money where possible. And I thought, if I truly can buy things as cheap as "couponers" say you can, maybe I can donate some of my items to a local food bank. I have been looking for ways to help in my community, but it is a little tricky with my little one.

Another reason I stopped clipping coupons was because I thought that I don't need or buy half the stuff that are on the coupons. I don't eat frozen foods, and I try to avoid all of the boxed and processed stuff as much as possible. I try to stick to the periphery of the grocery store. But, I do use some canned foods like beans, tomatoes, and corn. And I buy pasta and toiletry items. All of those items have coupons regularly. So I decided to give it a go again. I looked at a few blogs and sites, got organized, and then, because I had to pick something up for tomorrow I decided I would go to the store tonight. The sites I read recommended you go at a time when the store isn't busy--morning or evening. My baby was in bed, so I decided I would go to the store tonight, and I would pick up my 3 coupon related items and then the other item on my list.

Well, apparently tomorrow it is supposed to get cold around here, so that was another reason I decided to just go tonight so I didn't need to go out with my little guy tomorrow. Well, the store was packed. And then the items I wanted to buy with my coupons were almost completely out. Apparently, I am not the only "couponer" out there. But I might be the only rookie. I got my items, and some of them, if you bought 10 of the items (that would cost me 20-30 cents) I would get $5 off at the checkout. That sounded like a pretty good deal. So I did that. And thought, cool, I will be a coupon expert my first time and have a receipt total of something like $1.

Too bad things didn't work out quite the way I had hoped. I got it line. No one was behind me until I got to the front of the line. And then I had 2 people pull up ready to get checked out and on their way. My items were rung up and it came to $15. First of all, I have no idea how it all those cans came to $15, but I had people behind me, and I didn't want to squabble over every little thing. But, I did tell the checker that she didn't take $5 off. She said, I only bought 8 eligible items. I said no, I counted them them as they went down the conveyer belt, and that actually I had purchased 11 items. She pulled out the receipt and said nope, only 8. So I said, "ok, can I run and get 2 more cans?" She said, "okay", but her face said, "are you kidding me?"

She was less than thrilled. I wasn't too happy either. And the people behind me definitely weren't either. I ran and got 2 more cans of corn. She rang them up, and said, "those didn't work". I said, "they were on the shelf with the sale tag. What do you mean they didn't work?" She told me, I got the mixed yellow and white corn, and the deal was only for the yellow corn. Now I was the one thinking, "Are you kidding me? I thought this couponing thing was supposed to be a cinch." I asked the checker if she could just override it. But apparently a can of yellow corn and a can of yellow/white corn is that big of a difference and she wasn't able to do that. I asked, "Do you mind if I go grab the different cans then?" I apologized to the people behind me and then ran even faster to get the correct cans. You can imagine how happy they were at this point. I ran back, finished my transaction, and got out of there as fast as I could.

And that was my first experience in my attempt to become a "couponer". To be completely honest, I am not looking forward to the next time I go "couponing". It doesn't sound as exciting as it did last week. I am not sure all that running around was worth saving $5, if I even saved that. I was so confused by the end, and just wanted to leave. But, I am not one to give up so easily, so I will give it the "old college try" again.

Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

My dream job

2011-01-28T12:05:00.000-08:00

is the one I have. I had no idea I would go through such a rigorous process to become a mom; but I am so grateful I made it.

I no longer work outside the home, and it is so wonderful to be at home full time to care for my little one.

I remember the day I found out we had been matched for our adoption I was talking with a friend who had come by my hospital that day. As I was walking her and one of her kids out to the car we were chatting and she told me that I had her "dream job". I replied, "And you have mine. Wanna switch?" She is a sweet friend and knew of my infertility issues, so we always talked freely about everything. The funny thing about this conversation was that I hadn't told her yet of our hopes to adopt. And I didn't receive the call from our agency until later that afternoon. So it was fun to call her back and tell her that soon I would be getting my dream job.

I love being a mom. Last night my husband and I were sitting on the couch making faces and sounds with our baby. And he would laugh and coo and it was so fun. This was what I had been waiting for all this time. He has brought so much happiness and joy into my home. I can't imagine life without him. It makes me look back and be even more at peace with all the negative infertility treatments, because if they hadn't failed, I don't know that we would have pursued adoption, or if we had it would've been much later and we wouldn't have our little guy with us as part of our family.

Wordless Wednesday: My child loves his birth mother

2011-01-26T07:07:00.000-08:00

Okay, I can't not write anything under this picture. My little guy is such a happy, smiley boy. This is how he greets me when he wakes up from his nap. Ready to play and have some fun. I enjoyed seeing my little boy in this shirt all day yesterday. Every time I looked at it I thought to myself, "I love your birth mother too." She is such an a amazing, courageous, beautiful, and loving person. I consider myself very blessed to know her and to have had my life changed by her.

Birth Stories

2011-01-24T09:20:00.000-08:00

Last week a friend from work invited me to hang out with her and her mom group. I decided to join her and had a nice time. At lunchtime we went to the food court and while there I overheard some of the ladies discussing their children's "birth stories". I was a few seats over from them, so I wasn't engaged in their conversation, but over the noise of the food court I heard the words: labor, epidural, dilated, tired, and c-section, just to name a few. I wondered if they would ask me how my child's birth went, and I wondered what I would say. To be honest, I felt a bit like an outsider. If I had a birth story like theirs I might have been tempted to join in. But, I didn't, and I wondered if it would be awkward if they were to ask me and I then related how my child was adopted.

Trust me, I am not embarrassed in the least to tell about my child's adoption. You just never know how others will react, and I didn't know these ladies that well, and it just didn't come up.

But, the more I thought about after the play group was over, the more I wished I had been asked about his birth. I would have told them about how anxious I was to hear news about him on the day of his delivery. I know a few details about his birth that I could share. And then I could tell about how stressful it was getting the flowers delivered to his birthmother. And how I was an emotional mess when there was a glitch with the flower delivery. I would tell them about how we went out to dinner to celebrate our little guy's birthday. Not many ladies can do that. I could also tell about how we packed up our favorite snacks and all of his gear to take with us on our travels to meet our little guy for the first time. I might also tell them how the social worker and I were wearing the same style and color shirt when we went to meet up with everyone in the hospital for the first time. Our little guy was so cute and little. I fell in love with him the minute I laid eyes on him. (I loved him before that, but to see him and hold him, was so special). I would tell about feeding him while I was there and how I was praying he would be a good eater and not be fussy when I held him. He was great! I might share how we finally found a hotel in that area with a semi-comfortable bed to sleep on, for what few hours of sleep I was able to get with everything going on. And then if I were asked if I was nervous about getting everything finalized I would reply, most definitely. But I would tell them of my love and respect for our little guy's birthparents. There were a few bumps in the road, and I was a nervous wreck that last day, but everything worked out in the end. I might share about the gifts we gave our birthparents and that we were able to meet some of their family members. And then I would share that we traveled home with our baby in the backseat calling our family members to share the news as quickly as we could. I would share how happy we were and how excited everyone was to hear the news. And by that point in my story my smile would be wide, my eyes would be wet, and I would feel a great happiness in my heart. How do I know that? Well, because that is what is happening right now as I type this.

And that is my child's birth story. I think it's amazing and I love it.

I hate being on my period

2011-01-23T20:21:00.000-08:00

Why do I have to get so crabby, irritated, and emotional? No idea. I really want to just go to sleep and have a new day to start fresh on, but unfortunately I took a late afternoon nap and don't feel tired at all. Bummer.

Having a unicornuate uterus with a very thin lining makes it so my bleeding is next to nothing. You would think that would come with the additional perk of very little irritability and emotional ups and downs. But no such luck. I think I will put a request in to the "Man upstairs" that He gives those of us dealing with infertility a break when it comes to dealing with this monthly visitor of ours. I don't think that is too much to ask. Also, you would think that with dealing with this month after month for how many years, I would've figured out how to ride this wave of irritability. Nope, sure haven't. I think one mistake I made this month was thinking I had figured it out. I guess the bright side is, I will get another opportunity next month to see if I learned anything. Don't hold your breath on that one.

I like to think I am easy to live with the rest of the month, but right now I am really not so sure. Right now I just don't remember what my excuses are the rest of the time.

Enough of this already.

I guess I will go peek in on my ~~sleeping~~ baby and that will bring a smile to my face and make everything better. Looks like he is awake and wants a little snack and some snuggle time. I am happy to oblige him.

*update* Yep, the snuggle time with my baby did the trick. There is something about holding him and listening to his heavy breathing that just brings peace and happiness to my heart. Now, I am off to try and get some zzzzs as well.

It's that time of the month again.

2011-01-21T06:51:00.000-08:00

Yes it's time for ICLW.

And yes, Aunt Flo is visiting as well. I think the thing that bothers me most about her is how she gets me irritated and moody. I have come to terms with the realization that her arrival means no baby, but I wish I could just not get bugged with my closest friends and family when she comes by. I am working on that. I think I did a better job this month. I'll have to ask my hubby.

I haven't done a welcome ICLW letter for awhile, so I thought I would do one this time. You can see the info on the side bar of my blog. But here it is quick and dirty. I spent a lot of time, money, and energy doing infertility treatments and dealing with insurance companies. None of which turned out well. I spent some more time, money, and energy devoted towards adoption, and have reaped the benefits of it. I have a beautiful baby boy who is a joy to be with. He has such a pleasant, happy personality and is always smiling and laughing except for when he's not. :D Which isn't too often. :D

As you can see from my header, my blog is about finding joy now, today, not later, and not tomorrow. In the throes of life and the ups and downs it brings, I have found that if I can keep my perspective and focus on being happy, then I can get through anything--even infertility treatments and the stress of adoption.

I still write about infertility and adoption. But now I also write about being a mom. I also write about ordinary things like exercise, crafts, and whatever else I feel like at the moment. I enjoy photography, reading, being outside, and learning most anything. I am working on my cooking skills and am hoping to find pockets of time in between naps to learn how to garden, work on some crafts, and edit and digitally scrapbook my photos. I hope you will stick around and join me in finding joy in life.

Date Night with Spit up on my Sleeve

2011-01-17T08:53:00.000-08:00

That is my kind of night out. As I was looking in the mirror right before my hubby and I walked out the door for our first time out without the little one I saw that I had a small trail of dried spit up on the red sleeve of my sweatshirt. I considered changing, but then I thought, no I think I would like to wear it.

This was just another moment that reminded me how going through such great lengths to have a child has completely changed my perspective. Other people might groan and be upset that their child spit up on them again and they have to change to look presentable. But not me. I was happy to have this be a part of my outfit. It was like a badge of honor.

My hubby and I had a great night out. We saw the movie True Grit. I highly recommend it. And then we went out to dinner at a Thai restaurant. We cleaned our plates which was just as well because we already had a doggie bag waiting for us at home. (see the picture below)

This is my little guy in his pajama sack. Some call them potato sacks, we prefer to call this one his "doggie bag". They are great pjs because just one zip and you are done. This is him first thing in the morning.

Keep Calm and Blog On & Great Video

2011-01-16T19:00:00.000-08:00

Thank you for your kind comments and words of encouragement.

I do enjoy writing my thoughts and feelings, and knowing that you are out there whether you comment or not, encourages me to keep writing here.

On a different note. I watched this video today, and I just love it. So I wanted to share it. Enjoy.

To blog or not to blog, that is the Question.

2011-01-14T13:34:00.000-08:00

I have been wondering lately if I should continue this blog...

I have drastically seen my visitors and comments decline, and I just don't know if I have anything I feel like sharing because I don't know if anyone cares to read it. When I first started blogging I didn't think I would have many people read my blog, nor did I care all that much. My focus was to record my joyful daily moments and not let the pain of infertility envelope me. I soon found that I belonged to a group that welcomed me in with open arms. Now, I am not so sure if I still belong to this group. I am still infertile. I would still like to have other children join my family and I am pretty sure whether that is through infertility treatments or adoption, that it won't necessarily be a walk in the park. I think we would all agree that we would much prefer to have a baby over a blog. And while I thought I would do both, --have a blog and enjoy my baby when he came, now I am not so sure.

I don't really feel all that motivated to blog. I can write in my journal about all the memorable experiences I am having with my boy. Or I can write them here and feel that no one cares that I shared it. And maybe that is partly my fault. My little one has kept me pretty busy and I don't visit too many blogs anymore. And I don't comment on the ALI blogs as much anymore because I don't want the person whose blog I commented on to then come over to my blog and end up feeling sad that she doesn't have a baby to hug and hold.

So, if you would like to continue reading my blog and having me add to it please let me know. Also, I would like to know if there are any things in particular you would like to hear about?

Adventures in Nail and Hair Care

2011-01-10T19:25:00.000-08:00

I have officially declared war on my son's sharp nails and cradle cap, (unaffectionately also referred to as cradle crap).

I will focus on his nails tonight. I file them everyday but to no avail. They keep growing, and they are always sharp. If my little guy isn't careful, he will live with socks on his hands until he learns to stop scratching his face. Any ideas when that might be?

I tried clipping his nails, that was quite a feat that I was unable to repeat many times. I would wait until his was asleep, try to clip them, only to end up waking him up.

Then I started filing them, and that has worked out better. We actually have a little system down. While he drinks his milk, I work on his nails. Thank goodness for the art of distraction. But like I said, by the end of the day, or for sure by the next morning, at least one of his nails will be sharp, and my quest to keep his nails smooth continues.

Thankfully, he doesn't scratch his face too much, but I hate it when I see a fresh scratch. I obsessively check and feel his nails to figure out which one caused the damage. Then I find a bottle of milk and my trusty file and continue my adventures with my child's nails.

The impossible happened

2011-01-06T16:31:00.000-08:00

This morning by 10 am I discovered I had exercised, eaten breakfast, and showered, before my little guy had woken up from his am nap. I couldn't believe it. It took focus and efficiency, but it gave me hope that I could accomplish the impossible from time to time. Now to see if I can ever repeat this feat. I think it did help that I had gotten quite a bit of sleep last night. I woke up to my hungry baby at 4 am. I felt refreshed and was tempted to clean the kitchen and exercise then but ended up going back to bed, only to wake up feeling tired the next time my alarm clock (my baby) went off at 7:15. But I recovered and had a great morning

The afternoon went pretty well. The little one was a bit fussy and had a hard time
going down for a nap. But now he is asleep and I don't know if I should but him down for the night. What to do? I guess I will roll the dice and see how long he sleep.

Taking time for me

2011-01-05T18:42:00.000-08:00

That is hard for me to do lately. I am constantly watching over and caring for my little guy and either run out of time or don't make the time.

Well tonight I was making dinner and was just exhausted. I barely had the energy to eat it. Thankfully, my hubby sent me to take a bubble bath and said he would watch the little guy the rest of the night. Hip hip hooray for my hubby.

The bubble bath was so relXing and was just what I needed. I think it I need to start making time for me. I will be a much better and happier person, wife, and mother if I do that

I guess the time has come to get my butt in gear and start waking up early enough to exercise. Aaargh. It will be worth it though. I also have to take the time to eat. My baby gets to eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, so I guess I should take a turn too.

Sweating off the Sweets

2011-01-04T21:21:00.000-08:00

That is what I am trying to do. Unfortunately, I have been slacking lately. My little guy keeps me pretty busy. Every time I go to the doctor I ask when I can take him out in the jogging stroller. I am hoping to wear her down. I think pretty soon I will get the green light to do so. I can hardly wait until I can take him out for a run with me. Then I will have to get creative and come up with another excuse as to why I can't exercise. :D

In the meantime my options are:
--to work out before my husband goes to work. So far that has happened maybe twice.
--do indoor exercises like a yoga DVD. So far that has happened twice.
--exercise in the evening after my husband is home. That has also happened maybe twice.

Things are not looking too good for my exercise routine right now. Hopefully I will kick things into gear soon.

The Year in Review

2010-12-30T20:06:00.000-08:00

I always like the end of the year when you are reminded of the big stories and news items of the year.

It has been quite a year for me. Here is a quick review of the year:

1. Started this blog.

2. Went to Australia

3. Finished our adoption profile.

4. We were chosen and met our son's birthparents

5. We brought our sweet baby home and life as we knew it changed. Woo Hoo!

Looking back I would say, we had a really good year. I had no idea it would turn out this great, but I am so glad it did. Can't wait to see what the next year brings. I am sure it will bring ups and downs. In the hard moments I hope I will remember that just when I think things won't turn around, that they just might.

Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas: Christmas Spirit Video

2010-12-21T11:00:00.000-08:00

I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas.

A great invention

2010-12-16T09:57:00.000-08:00

has to be the drive-thru.

Now how to get grocery and retail stores to utilize them?

I had no idea how time consuming and tiring it is to take a baby in and out of a car and in and out of a store. Without fail, by the time we get out of the house (which is a time consuming and amazing feat in and of itself), and as soon as we get to a store, my little guy is either hungry, dirty, or usually both. So, we find a comfy spot, take a seat, and I feed and change him. I wonder why I even bothered to try to leave the house in the first place. I then have a small window of time to accomplish everything.

Then, like yesterday as I got him back in the car, he had fallen asleep, so I thought to myself, "hmm, should I try to run to the grocery store real quick?" I had only been trying to get there all week. I had my list with me, which I usually lose by the time I get to the store, but this time I hadn't. So I went to the store, had almost finished shopping when he woke up. I told him, we just had eggs, yogurt, and cheese left to get, so to please hang on, and then we would be on our way.

When we are out and about I always tell him the plan, but sometimes the plan changes. He is a real trooper, and very patient while we shop, but it seems that if I try to get a few more things off the list or start to get distracted in a store, he starts to get fussy, so I tell him, "ok, you're right, I said we were just going to do these few things, thanks for keeping me focused", and then we finish up and leave. We have fun together.

Well, while at the grocery store, I decided I wanted some icecream and then I wondered if we had milk, so I texted my hubby and we had a confusing conversation. I asked him, "Do you need anything at the store?" and "Do we have any milk?" He said no. I realized I had asked him 2 questions, and only received one response. So I asked back: "No, you don't need anything, or no we don't have milk?" He didn't respond back, and my little guy was ready to go so I didn't get milk, but it ended up that we needed some. So at some point I will need to make another trip to the grocery. Just that thought exhausts me. Maybe I will send the hubs out to get some.

By the time I was back in the car with the groceries and baby loaded, my baby was crying. He was ready to be back home. And little did he know, we had one more errand to run. While on my way to the store I had asked another sleep deprived friend if she needed me to pick up anything for her at the grocery store. I had to swing by her house (super close to mine) and give her the eggs. So we did. And then we went home. Thank goodness for pacifiers--that helped him get through those last difficult minutes of running around.

If a grocery store could just have a small drive up window where they sold a few items like gift cards, milk, eggs, bread, a few veggies, chocolate, and ice cream, that would be great.

If retail stores could even just have a drive up window where you could return an item without going into the store until a later time that would save me so much time, and be awesome.

After 3 days of running around town we are staying put the rest of the week. Or at least until I can go out with my husband on Sat. and we can tag team some of the errands.

Although, there are some things worth getting out of the house for...

Pictures with Santa!

singing a Christmas Carol with Santa

Our fun visit with Santa yesterday was worth all the effort it took to get out of the house. And I don't know how a drive thru Santa Claus visit would work.

A little sock was hung by the chimney with care

2010-12-13T10:15:00.000-08:00

For at least the past three years I have hung this little sock up next to ours in hopes that by the time the next Christmas rolled around we would be celebrating it with our first child. Every year I looked at it longingly and hoped and prayed that this little sock would not have to remain empty and lonely for too much longer. At times my emotional and spiritual resilience waned, but in the end, things worked out as they always do.

You cannot imagine the joy I felt as I hung up this little sock this year. As I was unloading some of the boxes of Christmas decorations and began putting the ornaments on the tree I remembered this little sock. I immediately set everything else aside and with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart I hung up all of our stockings. That was a sweet moment.

this was a picture I took of his sock last year

As I thought about the phrase: "the stockings were hung by the chimney with care", from the poem, "Twas the Night before Christmas", this wrote my own little poem about my baby's Christmas sock

The Christmas Sock
Twas the Christmas season, when all through the house

only sadness and longing hung like a blouse
a little sock was hung by the chimney with care,

in hopes that a child soon would be there

I thought and I prayed and I pled

that someday soon I could stroke my child’s head.

He would sit in my lap,
and take a few naps.
At times my heart stirred a bit
As I wondered how much longer I could take it.
Then all of a sudden, quick as a flash

My baby was in my arms and I was kissing his nose and eyelash
I now walk around with a glow
and love telling my little baby, “hello”.

The wonders of OxiClean

2010-12-11T13:42:00.000-08:00

There are many things I didn't know until I became a mom. One of those is the power of OxiClean. Now I know why Billy Mays was so passionate about this product. It's because it works. I love it. My baby always seems to poop on his really cute outfits and now instead of worrying about whether or not the yellow stains will come out, I confidently go to my bottle of OxiClean and spray away. It has become a good friend of mine.

Smiling Session

2010-12-08T08:32:00.000-08:00

My baby is smiling. He has been off and on for a few weeks now, but it is really hard to catch it on camera. He will stop as soon as I bring the camera out, and then start up again once I put it away. And then it often seems that he decides to have a "smiling session" as my husband calls it during his 3 am feeding. But right now we are having a smiling session and it is lots of fun.

I continue to get comments from friends about how happy I am now that I have a baby. And they are right, I am so happy. I am having a smiling session. I have been told that I haven't stopped smiling. I was also told by one friend that she didn't realize how unhappy I was, because I am so happy now. That seemed a little strange, I think it was a poor worded comment, but I am over it. I have also been told by a friend that she did not realize how badly I wanted a baby, but now she can how much I wanted one because of how much joy and happiness my little guy has brought into my life.

It's true. I haven't stopped smiling. And having my little guy has brought so much joy into my life. I am enjoying my smiling session. I smile when I am sleep deprived or changing a stinky diaper, which I need to do right now. :D

ooh eeh, that was a stinky and big one. An outfit changing one. He didn't last but 5 min in the outfit I put him in for the day. Good thing he has more clothes than me. :D

A Christmas Miracle

2010-12-03T09:26:00.000-08:00

During December, whenever something good, (big or small), happens, my husband always says, "It's a Christmas miracle." It always makes me laugh, but it is fun to call the little joys in life, "Christmas miracles".

Well, today I woke up to a Christmas miracle. My boy had slept through the night. A whole 7 hrs of uninterrupted sleep. I heard him stirring and starting to cry so I pulled myself out of bed thinking it was 3 am. I looked at the clock and to my surprise it was 5 am. There was a spring in my step as I went to the fridge to get my little guy's bottle out. He slept like this once last week, but we hadn't been able to replicate it until now. And the first time it happened we had really been wondering if we had just been so exhausted that we hadn't heard him cry for us. So, this time when I looked at him, I was happy to see that he was still bundled up and was just waking up.

A Christmas miracle indeed. Thanks for the early Christmas present little guy!

Thankful Thursday--Good news in the blogosphere

2010-12-02T14:52:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's Thursday again already. And it is another thankful and happy one. I just read great news on two of my bloggy friend's blogs. I just loved clicking from one blog to the next and reading all of the good news.

Please join me in congratulating them.
Annie just found out she's PREGNANT
and Rebecca just had a FET with a donor embryo and feels very positive about how the procedure went.

I am so happy for them, they have been through so much, both physically and emotionally. And I will continue to have them in my thoughts and prayers that things continue to go well.

Wordless Wednesday: Thanksgiving pictures

2010-12-01T18:40:00.000-08:00

Video: In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T07:40:00.000-08:00

In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

click on the post title or link above to view the video.

Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy the good food, family and friends today.

What are you thankful for?

We Are Blessed Beyond Measure

2010-11-24T07:17:00.000-08:00

This is what it says on a Thanksgiving plate I bought after my first IVF cycle resulted in a negative result. I was pretty sad and didn't feel all that blessed. When I came across this plate I remember picking it up, setting it down, thinking about whether or not I was "blessed beyond measure". I ultimately decided to buy it because I determined that yes, I was blessed beyond measure. I had many other wonderful blessings in my life and that was what I focused on. And as I did so, I felt at peace and the pain of the negative IVF cycle lessened.

Clearly, this Thanksgiving, I feel "blessed beyond measure". To have my amazing son in my home is one of the greatest blessings I have ever received. He brings so much joy and happiness into my life.

As I have thought of those of you who might be struggling during this holiday season and who are not feeling very blessed my mind reflected on a church talk I have read recently. The talk is titled The Divine Gift of Gratitude and was given by my church leader, President Monson. The following is the part I wanted to share with all of you. I especially like the story he shared about Gordon Green's family and the experience they had one Thanksgiving when they didn't feel they had much to be grateful for.

"A grateful heart, then, comes through expressing gratitude to our Heavenly Father for His blessings and to those around us for all that they bring into our lives. This requires conscious effort—at least until we have truly learned and cultivated an attitude of gratitude. Often we feel grateful and intend to express our thanks but forget to do so or just don’t get around to it. Someone has said that “feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”¹²

When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given.

I share with you an account of one family which was able to find blessings in the midst of serious challenges. This is an account I read many years ago and have kept because of the message it conveys. It was written by Gordon Green and appeared in an American magazine over 50 years ago.

Gordon tells how he grew up on a farm in Canada, where he and his siblings had to hurry home from school while the other children played ball and went swimming. Their father, however, had the capacity to help them understand that their work amounted to something. This was especially true after harvesttime when the family celebrated Thanksgiving, for on that day their father gave them a great gift. He took an inventory of everything they had.

On Thanksgiving morning he would take them to the cellar with its barrels of apples, bins of beets, carrots packed in sand, and mountains of sacked potatoes as well as peas, corn, string beans, jellies, strawberries, and other preserves which filled their shelves. He had the children count everything carefully. Then they went out to the barn and figured how many tons of hay there were and how many bushels of grain in the granary. They counted the cows, pigs, chickens, turkeys, and geese. Their father said he wanted to see how they stood, but they knew he really wanted them to realize on that feast day how richly God had blessed them and had smiled upon all their hours of work. Finally, when they sat down to the feast their mother had prepared, the blessings were something they felt.

Gordon indicated, however, that the Thanksgiving he remembered most thankfully was the year they seemed to have nothing for which to be grateful.

The year started off well: they had leftover hay, lots of seed, four litters of pigs, and their father had a little money set aside so that someday he could afford to buy a hay loader—a wonderful machine most farmers just dreamed of owning. It was also the year that electricity came to their town—although not to them because they couldn’t afford it.

One night when Gordon’s mother was doing her big wash, his father stepped in and took his turn over the washboard and asked his wife to rest and do her knitting. He said, “You spend more time doing the wash than sleeping. Do you think we should break down and get electricity?” Although elated at the prospect, she shed a tear or two as she thought of the hay loader that wouldn’t be bought.

So the electrical line went up their lane that year. Although it was nothing fancy, they acquired a washing machine that worked all day by itself and brilliant lightbulbs that dangled from each ceiling. There were no more lamps to fill with oil, no more wicks to cut, no more sooty chimneys to wash. The lamps went quietly off to the attic.

The coming of electricity to their farm was almost the last good thing that happened to them that year. Just as their crops were starting to come through the ground, the rains started. When the water finally receded, there wasn’t a plant left anywhere. They planted again, but more rains beat the crops into the earth. Their potatoes rotted in the mud. They sold a couple of cows and all the pigs and other livestock they had intended to keep, getting very low prices for them because everybody else had to do the same thing. All they harvested that year was a patch of turnips which had somehow weathered the storms.

Then it was Thanksgiving again. Their mother said, “Maybe we’d better forget it this year. We haven’t even got a goose left.”

On Thanksgiving morning, however, Gordon’s father showed up with a jackrabbit and asked his wife to cook it. Grudgingly she started the job, indicating it would take a long time to cook that tough old thing. When it was finally on the table with some of the turnips that had survived, the children refused to eat. Gordon’s mother cried, and then his father did a strange thing. He went up to the attic, got an oil lamp, took it back to the table, and lighted it. He told the children to turn out the electric lights. When there was only the lamp again, they could hardly believe that it had been that dark before. They wondered how they had ever seen anything without the bright lights made possible by electricity.

The food was blessed, and everyone ate. When dinner was over, they all sat quietly. Wrote Gordon:

“In the humble dimness of the old lamp we were beginning to see clearly again. . . .

“It [was] a lovely meal. The jack rabbit tasted like turkey and the turnips were the mildest we could recall. . . .

“ . . . [Our] home . . . , for all its want, was so rich [to] us.”¹³

My brothers and sisters, to express gratitude is gracious and honorable, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven."

It is hard to recognize our blessings when times are tough and life is challenging. That is why I liked the story about Gordon and his family. They had quite a challenging year, and didn't feel very grateful, but in the end they realized they had been blessed, and what a difference it made not only in their day, but their life. I am grateful to have joined this blogging community and am grateful we are able to help one another through the highs and lows we face as we try to grow our families one baby at a time.

Happy Thanksgiving

Food for Thought

2010-11-22T20:12:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all of your great comments on my previous post. It really did give me some "food for thought".
You helped me rephrase how I can refer to my struggle with infertility.
Here are some phrases you helped me come up with.

I struggle with infertility.
I have been diagnosed with infertility.
I have a unicornuate uterus, don't ovulate, and have required the assistance of a RE to try to get pregnant. That sentence should raise some more questions. But that explanation might also forgo the "oh, just relax" solutions that seem to fly out of people's mouths.

Now that I have a child I wonder if I will get as many people asking me when I am going to have more kids. It seemed that since I didn't have any kids I was fair game for people constantly nosing around and being so concerned about my small family size.

I guess I will just have to wait and see. I hope so, I could use a little relief from that. But I'm sure eventually well meaning people will get tired of seeing my family of 3 and want to see 4 of us, until eventually I am on the other side of the coin where people all of a sudden feel as though I have too many children and probably would make it their business to tell me so. I don't think I will run into that problem, but you never know. At any rate, I already know that there is just no pleasing some people, so I'm not worried about that.

Oh, and I hadn't realized, out of some of the infertility is... sentences, she made an infertility manifesto. Go check it out. It's great.

I have infertility

2010-11-21T09:40:00.000-08:00

doesn't that phrase sound weird?

I think so, but I wish it didn't.

Sometimes, it bothers me that when we are diagnosed with infertility the phrase that works best is, "I'm infertile." I have thought about this for a long time and wished for a better phrase. I can't think of any other medical diagnosis that when you receive it, you then become it. For example, do people say, "I'm breast cancer?", "I'm leukemia?", or "I'm kidney disease?" No. I guess some people say they're diabetic, but they can also say, "I have diabetes". And while I don't let infertility define me, sometime just the fact that when I tell people "I'm infertile" I feel like it has defined me. I know this is just semantics, but I wish there was a better phrase. I suppose if I start saying "I have infertility" maybe it would catch on, but probably not. At any rate, it would cause some confusion. And that is always fun to do with fertiles. Since adopting our child I have thought I might say, "I have overcome infertility", or "I'm an infertility survivor" like cancer survivors are able to say.

I don't know. It is just something I have thought about in the past, and again now in the present. What are your thoughts on this?

I was reminded of these thoughts I had because blogger Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed had a post where she wanted her readers to fill in the blank to the sentence: Infertility is...

It was interesting to read what others wrote. I added my own endings to the sentence. Here they are:
my first thought was:
infertility is exhausting

second thought was
infertility is not the winner. I beat it. I am an infertility survivor

and this sentence goes along with the 2nd thought.

infertility is not how I choose to define myself.

Do you have infertility or are you infertile? Maybe I am splitting hairs semantically, but I do think it matters at least mentally and how you view yourself and the particular brand of infertility you are fighting against.

The Nursery

2010-11-18T18:56:00.000-08:00

I realized I never showed you pictures of the nursery. My brother did an amazing job in pulling everything together. I love our little guy's room. We of course decided to go with a monkey, zany, fun theme, so he can enjoy this room for many years.

This hangs above his crib. My brother came up with the amazing idea of having a monkey vine for all of the monkeys to hang from.

I like the dog hooks under the mirror on the edge of the photo.

I also like the barrel of monkeys we have hanging from the ceiling fan.

I have also put some monster vinyls decals on the wall by the chair that match the pillow and fill the space nicely.

this is his changing pad on top of his dresser, with more monkeys to look at.

Not a stellar picture of us, but I wanted to show the cool light we have in the room and the finger puppets behind my husband. I collect them and like to keep a few in my bag when a kid is restless and needs something fun to play with. My brother came up with this fun way to display them all.

A close up on some of the finger puppets.

It is such a fun room to spend time in. I love how it turned out.

Adults say the Darndest Things

2010-11-17T13:01:00.000-08:00

Today me and my little guy went to the mall to do a bit of shopping and run some errands. At our first stop, we made a detour to go into a children's clothing store because they had a huge sale sign up. And we found some nice clothes all for $2.99 or less. I love a good bargain.

Anyhow, we were standing in line to pay for the items when the lady behind me said, "how old is your baby?" I told her hold old he was, To which she said, "You gave birth to him, and you look that good already?" I replied, "I didn't give birth to him, he's adopted." She was nice and said, something like, "well he is a beautiful boy and has a beautiful mom" and then as I was leaving she said, "you did give birth to him." I didn't really understand that. Because I didn't, and I don't feel like I needed to. Whatever.

At our last stop of the day, my little guy was getting hungry, and he had already eaten all of his food, so we were just stopping super quick in this store and then I was heading home to get him more food. (yes, I will have to bring more next time). But so I was holding him to console him and finish burping him and the lady in front of me in line said, "Woah, you are skinny, how old is that baby?" Before I could respond, she also said, "Is he yours? I mean, maybe you are the mom's sister" I cooly replied, "No, he's mine, I'm his mom." Then she said, "Well, you sure are skinny, some of us have at least 10 lbs we need to lose". I didn't really have anything more to say to her. I didn't feel like telling her that my little bundle of joy was adopted. Then after she left, my little guy was getting a bit fussy and I told the lady checking us out that he was hungry and I needed to hurry home to get him some more food. This lady then said, "you are not...(then she pointed to her breast)?" I said, "nope" and left it at that. Adults say and do the darndest things. Fun times.

I don't feel the need to explain everything to everyone. I am sure I learned that through my years of infertility. I do enjoy it when people tell me I look really good when they see how little my baby is. Usually I just smile, say thanks, and enjoy the accolades.

What do you want?

2010-11-15T19:34:00.000-08:00

Hmm, little guy? Is it too early to teach you some baby sign language? The books say not to start until you are 6 months, but how about we start now?

Actually, he has some signs of his own, the problem is when we have used them all up and he just stares at me just like he is doing now.

Some of his signs are:

He head butts me or tries to be a boxer when he's hungry--it's pretty funny. He will also suck on his pacifier when he is hungry, otherwise he wants nothing to do with it. So sometimes I will test him with it. He grunts and kicks his legs when he is working on filling his diaper or trying to get rid of some gas. And he gives me cute sleepy grins (I love those) and yawns when he is tired.

Sometimes he does all of that at the same time. I tell him that not many guys are great multi taskers, so there is no need to try to do it all at once. He will also suck on his pacifier when he is hungry, otherwise he wants nothing to do with it. So sometimes I will check to see if he is hungry by having him suck on his pacifier. The only problem is that sometimes when I try he is too busy trying to poop and will act like he isn't hungry only to fuss about it a few minutes later. Boys, I tell you, they are hard to figure out.

I think right now my little guy is working on a poop. How do I know? Easy, I heard him fart.
And I knew he was sleepy, now he is finally falling asleep, but I will end up waking him up when I change him. Which will probably make him remember that he is hungry also. This post is starting to sound like the children's book, "When you give a mouse a cookie." Only my book will be called, "When you change your child's diaper."

My child has an insatiable appetite and is currently in one of his baby growth spurts which makes him want to eat even more. So, I guess I need to stop typing and continue this vicious cycle we have found ourselves in all day. I was hoping to go to bed at 7 pm right after I fed him. Well, here we are a few diaper changes and snacks later still awake at 9:30 pm. I guess I will "sleep when the baby sleeps" (the sage advice everyone loves to give a new mom) since I can't when he's awake :D Slight problem with that is--he won't sleep.

Oh, and lest I forget to mention. When this child finally falls asleep, he will wake up as soon as I put him down. So, maybe I will ask him to try to put me to bed instead. And then he can stay up and get his nighttime bottles ready and do some of his baby laundry. I think it would be a win win for everyone involved.

Toodleloo

Good night to someone. I am afraid it won't be me or my baby anytime soon. :D

** 10 pm update: baby is asleep, in bed, and I am headed that way in just a few minutes after I get the bottles made. ** I don't think my baby knew what he wanted. That's where I come in. I get to help him out or patiently wait until he figures it out for himself. He had a few more sips of milk, small dirty diaper, big burp, some soft lullaby music with a little more cuddle time with his mom, and that did it for him. That was all he needed. I'm glad I could be there for him.

Embracing Adoption

2010-11-14T09:39:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I received a question from a reader. The question is listed below. I have thought about it a bit and I will do my best to answer this well thought out and sincere question. I will try to illustrate how I came to embrace adoption through a story. If anyone else has some advice or insight, feel free to share it. I must also say that I like the nickname "Mrs. Joy"; that made me smile and brought me joy.

Question:

Hi Mrs. Joy :)I have been following your sweet story, and feel blessed to have a glimpse in to your life. My husband feels like he is being prompted to adopt, so we are heading that way, but I am still struggling with the thought of not being pregnant, and actually giving birth to my baby. You said you had come to terms w/ it, was there something that helped you move past that feeling? I would really appreciate any advise, you are certianly a great example! Thanks!!! ~Haley

Answer:

To rephrase and summarize the question, it was: How did I come to terms with not being pregnant and actually giving birth to my child?

I think it was a process over time. I don't know that it was any one thing.

At some point early on in our infertility and realizing that having a baby was not going to be as easy as we had hoped I happened to walk past the store "Motherhood Maternity" while in the mall. At the point I had a breakdown. I sat down on a bench and felt sorry for myself. I don't know if I outright cried, but I wanted too. I was angry and felt justified in my anger at my body, God, and those that easily become pregnant and just waltz into a store to buy maternity clothes. All I wanted was to wear maternity clothes. I wanted to get pregnant and have a baby. Was that too much to ask?

I had always been open to adoption and as time went on with the infertility treatments not working out I began to realize that adoption might really be something we might be involved in. As time went on I realized this focus of "wearing maternity clothes" was a bit myopic. Time and the sheer fact that infertility treatment after infertility treatment failed led us to seriously consider adoption. When I found out I had a unicornuate uterus I learned that bedrest, preterm labor and c-section were likely in my future due to this diagnosis. I had to give up the idea I had that I would have a natural unmedicated delivery, let alone carry a baby to term. Trying to have twins via IVF was out of the question. For me, these small bits of information helped me begin the process of accepting the fact that I would have to give up what little control I thought I had in this reproductive process.

I realized there was more than one way to have children. One would require maternity clothes, morning sickness, hormone fluctuations, ultrasounds to hear the heartbeat and learn the gender of the baby, registering for baby shower items, etc. The other would require any length of waiting period, allowing someone else complete control over choosing us as parents, scrutiny from social workers, travel to any part of the US to meet birthparents and our child, a completely different way of announcing to friends and family of being matched, and of meeting our child for the first time, an intense amount of stress and joy in short spans of time, building relationships with people you never dreamed of, etc.

So with time and this realization, it really wasn't that difficult for me to "come to terms" with adoption as a means of growing our family. Sometimes, yes, I would have a tinge of sadness if I thought, I wonder what my biological child would've looked like? Or if I was feeling anxious or unsure of myself I would think, "why do I think I can be a good mother? or, "what if the child I adopt doesn't like me"? It was one thing to take on the responsibility of bringing a biological child into the world, but to raise and parent an adoptive child made me really put pressure on me to think about whether or not I was up to the task of being a good mother. I think these questions and feelings are normal and important to recognize. It is important to acknowledge the loss that is is to lose the dream of becoming pregnant and carrying your child. I always recognized it as a unique and beautiful thing that I hoped to experience, so it while it was hard to set that dream aside, once I realized I had replaced it with another one just as beautiful and unique I was more than okay with adoption. I was excited about the possibilities and joy the child we would adopt would bring into our family.

I think having an open adoption was also nice in the fact that I know who my child will look like. I really enjoyed getting to know my son's birth parents. I know their personalities, traits, and physical characteristics. My son gets his amazing good looks from his birthparents. I will be able to tell him that and tell him what they look like and other things about them. That gives me peace and hope that my son will be able to "come to terms" with any "loss" he might feel with adoption.

I think time and just the realization that if I wanted children, and I did, that this was the way it could happen, and probably the only way it would happen. I read stories and articles about adoption and I saw it as something miraculous and amazing. I realized that not many people have the opportunity to adopt a child, and that I was lucky to be able to have this unique experience. And unique and amazing it has been.

I think serious consideration of adoption is just a natural progression that occurs if having a child biologically is just not feasible. It doesn't mean the child I adopt is loved any less, or that I am sorry we turned to adoption to grow our family. I truly hope my child will know that. I also hope society and people will realize that too. I am so grateful to have adopted our child, it has been a great experience.

The night or two before we left to go see our child in the hospital and finalize the adoption I had to go to the mall. I went to the side I never go to, and saw a certain store, you guessed it, Motherhood Maternity. I hadn't seen the store since that time years ago, and as my mind reflected back on how devastated I was at the time, this time all I could do was laugh. As far as I was concerned, I would never enter that store, and that was perfectly fine with me. I had other things to do, I had to hurry and find the item I was looking for and then hurry home to finish everything else I was occupied with for the adoption. That was a great feeling.

To get to this place here are some other things that helped:

Blogging and writing in my journal helped me organize my thoughts and feelings. Reading scriptures and uplifting talks by church leaders helped me feel at peace with my infertility and not be upset with my body's inability to become pregnant. Praying about what direction to take helped. Exercising helped. Good friends and family helped. Humor and laughing about infertility helped. Focusing on others and trying to help them helped.

My advice to you is to be patient with yourself. Let yourself take the time you need to be okay with not being pregnant and having a biological child so you can give yourself fully to the adoption process and your child that you adopt.

I hope my story and thoughts have helped you.

Not crying over spilled milk

2010-11-13T18:54:00.000-08:00

I just spilled a bunch of formula while I was trying to screw on the lid while holding my little guy who was rooting around frantically to get some in his mouth.
I knocked it off the counter and watched it spill all over the floor.
For a split second I thought, "oh my, what a mess, and here is one more thing to do before I go to bed."
But, then I thought, "well, I'm glad I didn't mop the floor today" and then I just laughed, smiled, and thought, this is a great problem to have. I am grateful to have a mess of formula to mop off my floor.

I am a lucky lady.

Sleep

2010-11-11T22:06:00.000-08:00

I think I could write a novel about sleep, the lack of it, how much you crave it, and what lengths you will go to get it.

I think I may have found a solution! I don't want to jinx myself, but I do think I am closer to getting a little more sleep in the near future. At least I certainly hope so.

Uh oh, I just heard the little guy stir. Go back to sleep! Please!

A busy day

2010-11-09T15:15:00.000-08:00

with a busy boy makes for a tired mom.

But it's worth it.

National Adoption Month

2010-11-04T19:58:00.000-07:00

I was excited to find out that November is National Adoption Month, with Nov 20th being the specific day in that month to celebrate adoption.

I am so grateful for adoption and that in enabled me to have our beautiful baby in our home. I just love him so much. I am so grateful to his great birthparents. They are wonderful people and we are happy to have them in our lives as well.

I was looking at a website about National Adoption Month and it had some good ideas about how to celebrate it. I thought I would share those with you.

--celebrate your child's heritage through food, stories, culture, etc

--blog about it (done)

--sent a thank you letter to your adoption agency

--develop a family tradition

--get together with other members of the adoption triad and learn their stories. (I think that would be interesting. I know some people who are adopted and I would love to hear their stories)

--make a family tree

--scrapbook. (I really need to do that)

--watch a movie about adoption.

--mentor kids "aging out" of the foster system

--write in your journal about your adoption experience (that was my idea)

--invite the media to cover your adoption event. (first I need to come up with an adoption event. Any ideas?)

--attend an adoption support group.
--talk to your kids about adoption. (that could apply to those who are adopted and those who aren't--to increase awareness)

--make a lifebook for or with your child

--donate items to family child services.
--send a letter or gift to birthparents (my idea)

I would like to do some of these things to celebrate our child's adoption.

Do you have any other ideas?

Sock Monkey Hat Weather

2010-11-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

I love sock monkey hat weather. There were some ups and downs today, so being able to be out and about with this little guy in his awesome sock monkey hat made my day. Every time I looked at him I would just break out into a grin. Doesn't he looks so good in it? There is nothing more I can say than that. I will let the pictures do the talking. I figured laundry folding could wait awhile longer, I wanted to post these pictures for all of you to see.

my wise sock monkey on Halloween.

Hooray for sock monkey hat weather!

Rebecca, thank you for the wonderful gift of your friendship and the cool sock monkey hat for my little guy!

In limbo between 2 worlds

2010-11-01T11:35:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been in a bit of a quandary as to trying to decide where I belong in this blogging world. I made it to the other side! I came out of this ordeal with a baby in my arms and now I want to continue blogging about the joy he has brought me. But I worry that in doing so I will hurt and cause pain to those of you who are my dear friends in cyberspace. It could be that many of you who used to read my blog no longer do, and that’s okay. I understand how hard it can be to feel happy that someone else has a child, but to feel so sad that you still don’t.

I feel that in many ways infertility helped me to learn to find joy in the day to day of life. I am a much more confidant person and happy person now than I was when I was in the throes of focusing on what I didn’t have and how infertility was cheating me out of a happy life.

You may read this and say, oh that’s easy to say now that she has a baby, but honestly, the day before I got the call that we had been chosen by our child’s birth parents I was doing a triathlon training bike/run and as I ran I thought, “I am happy. I have found joy.” And I am so glad I had that feeling and experience before I received the news about our adoption. This was what I was ultimately working towards. This was something I could control. I couldn’t control when a baby would come, I couldn’t force myself to become pregnant, and I certainly couldn’t force a birth mother of father to choose me to parent his or her child. I could only control my outlook on life and my attitude.

So in many ways I feel like I no longer belong here. But at the same time I feel as though I do. I have learned so much and just because I will talk about parenting it is through the prism of infertility and adoption. And also through the prism of finding the joy in the highs and lows of this new adventure.

I want to tell you of the thrill and confusion it was to fill out my child’s medical record as I tried to figure out where I was supposed to sign and put my info. I was now the mom and the parent, not the patient. At the doctor’s office when they are ready to see him, they call us by his name, not mine. It is such a confusing and joyful moment in my life.

So as you see, I am not sure if I fit into this new mommy world either. I have a completely different outlook and perspective than the vast majority of these other amazing moms. I love my pile of baby laundry. Although it is growing steeper and steeper by the day and I don’t know if I will ever get around to folding it. I just dig in the pile to find something cute and we get up and go. I love my messy house. I will take the sleep deprivation that comes with this new job any day. Sure, I will admit, at 1:30 am I had a sleep deprivation moment and wasn’t the happier camper in the world, but then I remembered how lucky I was and that immediately cured my frustration at my screaming child. So because I am so happy to experience these seemingly terrible portions of motherhood I kind of feel like a foreigner in this new world. But that’s okay. And so, I think if I can continue to blog about the happiness of parenthood, maybe it could also help those who are beaten down and tired of the day to day grind of it all. And I don't want to become beaten down by the day to day difficulties that do come with parenthood. I am enjoying this new pair of rose colored glasses I have and don't want to take them off.

I don’t know. Ultimately, I just want those of you that I care about in this blogging world to not be hurt as I talk about my newfound joy of motherhood.

And I am sorry to admit it, but I am probably now a very annoying person for an infertile person to see on FB. I post a lot of pics of my little guy for my friends and family to see. I tried not to do too many, but they all love him and want to see him, so how can I not?

A few addendums to the previous post

2010-10-28T21:51:00.000-07:00

Some who have read my previous post about infertility and baby loss have gotten the wrong idea. I no longer feel the pain or loss that can come with infertility. This was resolved awhile ago. My pain was no longer my inability to get pregnant and give birth to my child, my pain was not being able to have children come into my home who would consider me and call me their mom. I realize that we are all in different places in our journey through infertility and growing our families.

Sure, it would be great to wake up and be pregnant, but I don't expect it, and don't feel sad that it doesn't happen. I have embraced this new way of growing my family. Will I pursue more infertility treatments in the future? Who knows? You never want to rule anything out in this game, but at this point, I have had my fill of the RE, stirrups, hormones, BFN, etc.

It is also important to note that adopting or having a child does not cure infertility. Sometimes it still takes time to come to terms with the emotional and psychological pain infertility has caused. And it is important to come to terms with it. Thankfully, I feel that I have. Writing in this blog, learning of your stories, and focusing on finding joy on a daily basis are just some of the ways that helped me to be able to do that.

But I don't feel like my body is broken. No one has the ideal body.

Also, no one has the ideal family. Realizing this helped me deal with and come to terms with the fact that my family size wasn't what I wanted it to be.

My ultimate goal has always been to be a mom and to have children in my home calling me mom. It took time to come to this realization. I had to come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be pregnant or that I wouldn't hear my baby's heartbeat or find out his or her sex via an ultrasound at the doctor's office. And I have embraced the perks that come with not being pregnant or going through labor. I am thrilled that we were able to grow our family through adoption and I look forward to adopting more children.

And as far as people telling me how brave I was to go on FB...Yes, it was difficult to put myself out there. And I still wonder if maybe I should delete it. We'll see. Not because what I feel has changed, but that maybe the people that read it there will also get the wrong idea about my feelings on infertility and our adoption.

And if I didn't have my little guy with me, I am pretty sure I would not have said anything unless I had already been brave enough to use the outlet of FB to get the word out that we were hoping to adopt. There are a lot of insensitive people who say stupid things. And whether or not you want every person you know on FB to know about such a tender and difficult trial you are experiencing is up to you. We all know how difficult this journey is. Sure, it would be easier if we all talked about it. And it sure would be much easier if the general public knew how to better talk about pain, infertility and infant loss.

I just take one day at a time, one step at a time.

Facebook : Baby Loss Month post

2010-10-28T07:15:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 3 am to feed my little guy and couldn't go back to sleep. Around 5:30 I got tired of lying in bed and started putzing around the house. I messed around on the computer, fed the little guy (I think from here on out I will refer to him as LG), read, and then reflected on an idea that had been vaguely mulling around in my head. And the following is the result. I decided to write a little something on FB about infertility and baby loss. I lumped infertility into it because, as infertiles, even though we have not physically lost a baby, we deal with the unrealistic, but yes, lost dream of having children at the drop of a hat. I came out on FB, because, frankly, now it was easy. It is now clearly evident, I think, that we had infertility issues and were blessed with a baby through the miracle of adoption. We naturally keep the pain and diagnosis of infertility hidden, especially on FB, for various reasons which I won't go into at this time, but now, that my infertility is no longer hidden, I felt strongly about writing something about it, especially on FB.

So here is what I wrote and posted:

I don’t usually post things like this here, but I just wanted to, so I am. It has been an exciting, crazy, busy, fun month, as many of you know. But, as an infertile I would feel remised if I did not post something here on FB about October being Baby Loss Awareness month. It is a month to remember all types of pregnancy loss and infant death including miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, etc. So while you would have to live in a cave without any other human contact to not know that it was Breast Cancer Awareness month, (not knocking Breast Cancer Month), but you may not have known that is also Baby Loss Awareness Month. And I am sure it is many other things month: like nephew appreciation month, Hispanic heritage month, etc. I will let someone else speak about those causes. The reason I am putting this on FB is because FB can be a cruel reminder to infertile people or those coping with infant loss of just how much we are missing out on. Many infertile people comes to hate FB, because as I remember one fellow infertile said something to the effect of, “FB is like opening a Christmas card about someone else’s amazing life, only you have to do it 365 times a year”. Not to make any of you feel bad, that’s just the reality of it. So, for those who are infertile, I know your pain and I hope it will be relieved soon.

So, I just wanted to tell all of those that have experienced an infant loss that I am heartbroken for you and your loss and I hope you can find peace and comfort in some way and in some time. For those who have not experienced the pain of infertility or infant loss and sometimes wonder what you could say or do; well since I don’t have space to write a novel here, I would merely say, be sensitive, be compassionate, be understanding, and reach out and let them know you care.

That’s all. Thanks for reading.

Wordless Wednesday: This just makes me smile

2010-10-27T20:37:00.000-07:00

I just walked by the computer and saw they my hubby had put a different photo on the screen saver. With all the pics we have taken we keep changing them almost as frequently as we are changing diapers. Ok, not that frequently, but every few days we have different fun picture of our little guy on the computer. And this is the one he put up. It just made me laugh and smile.

Here he is, all 20+ inches of him

My hubby was saying this is the "bird's eye view" or "helicopter parent" view

He looks so little here. He is already getting so big. I can't believe it.

October

2010-10-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

Of all the months of the year, for me, this one seems to always revolve around infertility and children. I spent many an October crossing my fingers and holding onto hope only to find myself in tears wondering when the hole and ache in my heart would heal. So, the fact that my hubby and I were hoping to adopt our child in October filled me with some fear and trepidation.

October is a month filled with family fun with the onset of fall and Halloween. I have always loved seeing kids trick or treating and filled with excitement as they run around in their costumes. I have fond memories myself of trick or treating and enjoying the smell of candles burning in jack-o-lanterns.

But with every IVF treatment ending in disaster in October, I came to hate and dread this lovely month. Holidays are so much more fun when kids are involved. They create the magic and excitement that comes with the holidays.

With a child in our home, October has become a happy and exciting time of year again. We visited the pumpkin patch as a family and I reveled in the peace and happiness I felt to have a child to call my own.

For many of you, you are still waiting for the laughter of a child or even more children to come to your home. And my heart aches for you and I hope it happens soon.

The irony was not lost on my husband and me when on our stressful adoption placement day as we were waiting for time to slowly tick by until papers would be signed that Tom Petty's song, "The waiting is the hardest part" came on. We nervously laughed, then sighed, moaned, and groaned. My husband said, "no kidding". For all of those still waiting, I am thinking of you and I know how hard it is.

So much Love

2010-10-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

That is the line that has been running through my head these last few weeks. This baby has brought so much love into our home and so many people have so much love for him.

When I think about his birthparents and how they love him and are concerned about how he is doing; or when I put our little guy down on the blanket his birthfather's mom and sister made for him, I am humbled by the amount of love they have for our baby.

All of our friends at work, in the neighborhood, and church have so much love for him. I will always remember when we took our kid to church and shocked everyone with his arrival. People were crying and smiling all at the same time. I will always remember how "L", after hearing the news and seeing our baby said, "this is the happiest day of my life".

His uncle came to visit and decorated his room. It looks so awesome. After coming home from dropping my brother off at the airport I walked back into our little guy's room. As I quietly admired his room, I felt so much love and happiness emanating from that room. It is unbelievable how many people love our little guy.

There are many more people and experiences I could recount.

His grandma texting us saying, "I can't wait to get a hold of this little guy"
My neighbor thanking me for calling her to see if she could watch him. And then seeing how she was willing to change her whole schedule so she could do it.
Another brother of mine leaving a message to have me call him when our baby woke up so he could talk to him.
Watching his daddy hold him and give him fatherly advice.

I feel so much love for my son when I see his bright eyes looking at me. I feel love for him when I watch him sleep or when I respond to his cries to be held, changed, or fed. I love talking to him, holding him, and being his mom.

When I think of the love this little guy has brought into my life, I am just in awe, and all I can say is, "Wow". And I can't help but repeat this same phrase in my head, "so much love".

I hope our little guy will always know and feel of the love that I and countless others have for him.
He is a special little guy, that's for sure.

A whole lot of joy

2010-10-21T16:33:00.000-07:00

I have reflected again and again about what to write today. For those who may be visiting the first time for ICLW, welcome to a happy spot in blogland. My hubby and I just adopted our first child, and he really is a dream come true. He is so sweet and so cute.

And if that wasn't enough, he even sleeps during the night--only waking up to eat. I have quickly found that is the number one question I am asked. Are you sleeping? Is he sleeping? And I can see why, because even though he only wakes up to eat and then goes back to bed, I have never felt so sleep deprived in my life. I can't imagine how it would be if I was recovering from a delivery, breast feeding, and he wasn't sleeping. I have a whole new appreciation for the obsession that moms have about talking about their kids sleep patterns.

But enough about that. I have much more to write about than sleep. As you all know, the title of my blog is: Find Joy Now. And the joy that our little guy has brought into my life is unbelievable. And as the blurb on the side of my blog says, I plan on writing about the joyful things in my life. I am sure we will pursue adoption again in the future. And who knows, if I ever overcome my fear of stirrups, maybe I would face the hormonal and emotional nightmare of infertility treatments. And I guess there is always the chance that now that I am so relaxed and have adopted, I should anticipate announcing my upcoming pregnancy any day now. j/k.

I like how my hubby said it, "who knew 20 inches could change your life so much". So, anyhow, I guess what I am saying, is that this is my new life. And I love it. And I plan on blogging about it and the other things going on in my life. I hope many of you will stay and enjoy the journey with me.

Whirlwind of events

2010-10-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

These last few days have been insanely busy, exhausting, and exciting. I wouldn't trade them for anything. Our family all left yesterday, daddy went back to work, so now it is just me and my little guy. All I want to do is sleep.

Some friends had a baby shower for us. It was so fun. We received so many gifts, I was blown away. This is a picture I took after we finally finished opening the gifts. :D

Midnight Munchies

2010-10-13T02:19:00.000-07:00

Our little guy is a good eater, maybe too good, especially at night. My hubby says, "he has an insatiable appetite". I have been up all night with him, and hopefully the feeding frenzy and the crazy amount of sucking on his pacifier b/c I wasn't going to feed him formula all night, is over for a few hours, rather than a few minutes.

Here he is after a midnight snack the other night.

It's all good though.

A friend of mine who has twins (I actually have quite a few of them), called me yesterday and asked me if I was surviving. I quipped back, "We are not surviving, we are thriving". And we are. My life is truly amazing right now. I cannot wait until the rest of you are toting around your little bundles of joy.

I'm in love

2010-10-12T04:32:00.000-07:00

Our little guy is so sweet in every way. He has the best disposition and is so happy just chillin out with us. He is so stinkin cute and everyone who lays eyes of him just adores him. We feel so lucky to have him in our home. He has filled it with so much joy and happiness.

I am loving my new sleep deprived life. I never realized how sleep deprived one gets being up constantly with the baby, and then once I wake up, I can't fall back asleep because my mind is racing. I try to relax and calm down, but if my mind wanders even a smidge I am back to thinking about all the wonderful things our little guy did that day, and sleep flies out the window. Tonight I actually was able to get a bit of sleep; my hubby did the 3 am feed; so that was nice. But I will take sleep deprivation any day in exchange for taking care of my little guy.

Our little guy

2010-10-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

He's here and he's home!

He was a great little traveler. Both he and his birth mother have a matching bear. So the bear was getting to know him on the ride home. (we sent this picture to her on the drive home)

Here I am with our little guy after his birth parents lovingly placed him in my arms. He is so cute!

Thank you everyone for your good vibes, thoughts, and prayers. We really appreciated them!

Hanging in there

2010-10-08T10:33:00.000-07:00

...barely

I could really use some cranberries and almonds to help my stress level right now. My hubby's mom is a nail biter so we keep saying that by now she has no finger or toe nails and is probably chewing on her arm.

I try to keep my mind off everything, but am not having much luck right now.
I could really use a good run or yoga class right now. Deep breathe.
I have currently resorted to chocolate and a good book. I hope that does the trick.

Stanley models...

2010-10-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

our baby's blanket. I sewed this little blanket for our baby tonight. And Stanley insisted on trying it out. I think Stanley is pretty excited to have a new playmate. I told him that he's not the only one. :D

Pent up energy

2010-10-04T08:50:00.000-07:00

Today I have already gone for a run and scrubbed my shower till it sparkles. Sat I cleaned the garage and it looks awesome. Especially since the couches are gone!

I received a sweet card from a friend. This is what it said, "WOW, after all of that waiting, your adoption is finally happening!" on the inside of the card it says, "How do you do it? I barely have the patience to wait for my microwave popcorn. Congratulations." I thought that was so nice of my friend to think of me and send me that card. It made me think, I am just waiting for the baby to pop out like a piece of popcorn. Come on out kiddo, we are ready for you!

We have our pack n play and even the crib all set up. I was impressed with my hubby's skills in getting the crib set up. Now we just need a baby to put in them.

That's enough rambling for now, I'm sure more will follow.

Amazing Race

2010-10-03T12:49:00.000-07:00

The reality show I enjoy watching is the Amazing Race. I love to travel, I love to learn about other cultures and places, and if I can't travel, at least I can watch others do it.

This season there is a team made up of a biological mother and her daughter she placed for adoption. The first episode was last week, and it was interesting to see them interact. The first time they spoke on the phone was when they submitted their application and it is unclear if they met or interacted much prior to meeting up on the race.

You can see how they are a bit unsure about how to interact with each other and they want to take advantage of this time together.

I am looking forward to watching their relationship develop and I hope they make it far on the race.

Random things adoption has brought about

2010-10-01T14:22:00.000-07:00

1. I learned how to read in a car. I no longer get car sick when reading. I used to always say if I could just read in a car, that would be so awesome, now I can, and it's awesome. I love it. It was always such a drag on long car trips just having to sit there and wish I could read, now I can. I am also working on crocheting the edge of a blanket, so that should give me something else to do when I am a passenger in the car again.

2. The need to get rid of our couches! They are great couches, but they are floral print and they were very useful when we were newlyweds and didn't have much furniture. But it is time to say goodbye to them and give them to other people who can love and use them. We have had them stuck in one of our extra bedrooms taking up space for too long, but my hubby didn't want to part with them. But now, he has to say goodbye to them. I love rearranging furniture to make room for baby stuff.

Move over couch, there's a baby coming through!

These few things are obviously unimportant in the scheme of things, but it is fun to remember them.

2ww

2010-09-29T19:45:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I realized I was in a 2ww (two week wait for my fertile friends) countdown until the day our baby would be born and until he would be in my arms on his way home.

Yipeeeeeeeeee!

Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

I was excited and nervous all at once. I wish I hadn't thought of this last little bit of waiting as a 2ww. I hate the 2ww, in the past it never turned out well. But thank goodness this time it will be different.

In writing this I truly hope that last sentence is true. I don't know what I will do if it isn't. Well, yes I do. But let's not go there. Right now this is a time for excitement. I am counting down the days until he will be born and I will get to see him.

I could dance a little jig right now I am so excited.

I can hardly wait. I am so looking forward to having him be a part of our family.

Lost some credibility

2010-09-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

This weekend I read a book that had tips about how to bond with your baby, how to help calm him, how to help him sleep, etc...

It seemed like a pretty good book until I got to the "special circumstances" section about fostering and adopting kids. It was a very short section. And unfortunately, this short section contained some advice for adoptive parents. In essence it was: You may get pregnant after adopting. We don't know why it happens, but people that adopt often get pregnant afterwards.

Come on lady, give me a break. I thought you were some scholar or renowned baby expert. What were you thinking when you put this paragraph in here?

Needless to say, the book lost a bit of credibility with me. I will keep her tips in mid, but she obviously doesn't know everything if she had to fall back on the age old, "adopt and then you will get pregnant" myth. And maybe that's good that I know she is human and fallible. I don't need to take everything "the expert" said and think that's the way things are supposed to be.

Beautiful Adoption Song

2010-09-22T20:19:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite songs about adoption. The song is called: From God's Arms, To My Arms, To Yours. In this video, the artist, Michael McLean is singing it while at an adoption conference. It is just beautiful. It brings tears to my eyes and warmth to my heart whenever I hear it. If clicking on the video doesn't work, try clicking here

Adoption is about love

2010-09-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

I will probably never by #2 on the stirrup queen's ICLW list again, and I have been trying to figure out what to say. Do I say something witty or something profound? Do I talk about infertility, adoption, or upcoming baby stuff?

I suppose I will write from my heart and write about adoption and more specifically about birth or expectant parents.

I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration of the birth parents of our "soon to be" child. I think they are amazing and selfless people.

My husband and I are humbled to have been chosen by them to parent their child.

We look forward to telling our son about them and how much they love him.

They are doing something for us that we cannot do for ourselves. They are bringing a beautiful child into our home. Adoption truly is a miracle. I know they will experience heart ache and pain in this process, I only hope my prayers and love for them can ease some of that for them.

I have been thinking a lot about what gift I can give them during placement, and while I have some ideas, everything just seems so small and insignificant in comparison to what they are doing for us. So, while I will give them a small tangible gift they can hold, I think the best thing I can give them is continued contact (as we have already agreed to do) with us. I can also give them the peace of mind through the months and years that will follow that their child is loved by us. I will also always hold them in high esteem and tell our son how much they love him as well.

Adoption truly is about love. I am so grateful to have my life touched by the miracle of adoption. Many years ago when we started down this infertile path, my mind turned to think about the fact and hope that we would someday be able to experience this great miracle of adoption in our lives. I am filled with love for my future son, love for his birth parents, and love for all those that have helped me and continue to help me in this journey.

Happiness and Hope

2010-09-19T19:59:00.000-07:00

I received an award from Amel at : http://serenity-in-chaos.blogspot.com/ Thank you Amel. She is a blogger from Finland. It is so great how our IF community can reach out all over the world.

The rules are easy. You put that picture up on your blog and you post about one thing you're happy about right now and one thing that you are hoping for in the future. And then you pass the award along.

Happy about right now:
I have a great husband, nice home, good friends and family, and life is good. The hope I have also makes me happy.

I hope:
To hold my son in a few weeks. I hope to hear his laughter fill our home. I can't wait to see his little feet running all around the house. I look forward to seeing what an amazing father my husband will be.

I am sending this award on to Rebecca at http://roadlesstraveledblog.blogspot.com/. She is a very inspiring friend and person. Her strength and kindness regularly brings me happiness and hope.

Glow Worm

2010-09-17T04:06:00.000-07:00

Every time I have told someone about our upcoming adoption. I just glow with happiness and joy. It is such an amazing feeling. I have told all of my coworkers and it is just wonderful to feel of their happiness and excitement for me.

When I told "L". She started hyperventilating. And said, "quick, give me a hug right now". It was so cute. She is so wonderful.

"N" said, "What are we having? And we have a lot to do...You're glowing." She is so cute.

Telling "J" brought tears to my eyes. She said, "You deserve it. He is a lucky guy." To which I replied, "I am the lucky one". She then said, "I know you have been wanting this for a long time. And I am really happy for you. And you know, I don't say things I don't mean." She then proceeded to tear up, so, what could I do, but do the same?

Each day that passes brings me a little closer to our little guy. I can't wait!

Wordless Wednesday: Wipeout Video

2010-09-15T07:23:00.000-07:00

This is a clip from a hilarious show where people go through an obstacle course. The commentators are just as hilarious. Hope you enjoy this and get some good laughs.

Baby Steps

2010-09-13T11:12:00.000-07:00

We met up again with the birth parents this weekend. We went out to dinner and had a nice time chatting and getting to know one another a bit more. They are really great people. I felt good about how everything was going. I felt at peace, excited, and joyful.

I felt those same feelings this morning on my run.

Then I started to get nervous. Nervous that things wouldn't work out. Nervous that our meeting hadn't gone as well as I thought. I talked with my hubby a bit and that helped. He reminded me, "It's out of our hands." At this point there is nothing we can do. If things don't work out, then they don't work out. While I realize that, that is one of the reasons it is scary and I feel nervous. I want to be in control. I want to make sure everything works out. Aaaaah. Deep breath.

I tried to keep myself busy by cleaning and going to the grocery store. My sister called and it was nice to be able to talk to her a bit. Then my friend told me she was home and I could come pick up a crib and her rocking chair. So I went and picked that up. And now I am feeling a bit better. I am about to head out to go to my sister in law's house to pick up some more baby stuff--car seat, pack n play, etc.

I have been so amazed at the outpouring of love and baby stuff from people when we tell them we are adopting. I am so grateful to everyone for their help. Our baby is going to be so loved and we will be able to tell him about everyone who was so excited about his arrival and how they helped us stuff his room full of the things we needed to take care of him.

I can do this. It is just a few more weeks until I will be holding my little bundle of joy.

The Infertile Brain

2010-09-09T20:30:00.000-07:00

I loved this post by one of my bloggy friends, Augusta, because it captured some of the feelings I have been having as it relates to our upcoming adoption. Augusta is referring to embryo donation, but I think it applies to all of us with infertile brains. She said, "Do I have to leave the safe platform of my fears and leap wholeheartedly, believing unequivocally that this process will work. Is it reasonable to be afraid, and does being afraid mean that it will fail? Ah, the superstitious workings of an infertile's brain. I tell ya."

This is where I am in my "infertile brain". I have become accustomed to not having things work out in the infertile world I live in, so I am getting a little nervous that I my heart might be crushed through adoption. I know I should be positive and I am, but my track record makes me a little skittish at times. I am still hesitant to buy anything. I am still hesitant to tell hardly anyone. A few people when they hear the news have excitedly said I need to have a baby shower, but I don't want to have a baby shower until after the baby comes. I wish I could just let my fears go, but frankly I am terrified.

What do I fear? I fear my heart will be broken. I fear all the incessant questions people will ask about the adoption. I fear the questions that would come if things did fall through. I fear I will have wasted all this time being afraid when I could've been celebrating. I just feel like a deer in the headlights paralyzed and hoping the car won't crash into me.

So, I guess I need to answer the questions Augusta posed.
I think I must leave the safe platform of my fears.

I think of when pools used to have super duper high diving boards. Every summer I would go to the pool w/my siblings and we would jump off the diving boards. The high one was so scary though. I would usually have enough courage to do it once or twice a summer. It would be so scary and I dreaded walking up the stairs to the diving board. But once I was at the top, fear and all, I needed to jump. I wouldn't dream of going back down the stairs with everyone staring at me wimping out. I don't know that I ever leaped off the diving board. I think I merely walked off hoping I would make it to the bottom alive. When I hit the water and realized I had survived, I would feel relieved. Proud of myself for doing it, but I never really enjoyed it.

So, I guess that is my answer. Maybe this whole process is like going off that super duper high diving board. It must be done. Maybe now I am older and wiser to be able to leap or jump off the board with more confidence that I will make it as scary as it might be. And who knows, maybe I will enjoy it a bit. But I do think it is reasonable to be afraid. Just as every year going off that diving board was just as scary as it had been the previous year. But even though I was afraid, every year, I survived.

So, I would have to say no, being afraid does not mean failure, being afraid means being human, infertile or not.

Will I let my fear get the best of me and send me back down the stairs afraid to go off the diving board? No, not a chance. I am infertile but who cares? I am adopting a beautiful baby in a few weeks. I will try not to let fear rob me of this excitement.

I am going to jump in the pool.
SPLASH!
Come join me. Let's have a pool party.