That is how I feel right now.
I just reread some thoughts I had written a few months ago about my journey from devastation, sadness with infertility to one where I faced the unknown future with hope and peace. As I read it, I felt humbled and I was filled with love and gratitude for God and our Savior Jesus Christ. In some ways it felt like I had gone back in a time machine. As I read it I felt the sadness I had felt and then the renewed hope and joy that I also felt during that trying time in my life. It also seemed so long ago. I almost feel like I was a different person then. Just trying to keep my head afloat and not let the despair of childlessness drown me took a lot of effort. It was so difficult. I have a small knot of dread and nervousness in the pit of my stomach right now as I think about how I might fare this next time when we try to adopt another child. I would be naive to think things would go as quickly and as well as they did this time. But I guess I can still hope.
I will go into it as a completely different person though. And as difficult as it might be, it really does help and bring comfort knowing that I have an amazing son that I love so very much.
Today was a great day. I love watching my husband interact with our son. He was such a proud papa today. I took our little guy to meet him for lunch at a duck pond near his work. As we pulled up to the site, my husband told our little guy, "your mom and I talked about bringing you hear a long time ago." That is true, but I had completely forgotten about that. It had been so long ago, back when we thought it was easy to get pregnant and have a baby. My husband showed our son all of the ducks and it was so sweet to see him with him. It was such a wonderful day.
So with that memory fresh in my mind and then with having read those words I wrote in the past, I couldn't help but feel filled with gratitude and humility for the wonderful son I have been blessed to have in my home.