Finding Joy in Life Talk

This was the talk I gave in church yesterday.  I think it went well.  You never know.  Everyone will always tell you that you did a good job, but I decided to believe that they were sincere.  I think it did go pretty well.  At the very least, I know I did my best.  And that is all I can do.  

One neat thing was when I stood up to give my talk, my friend who was holding my little guy said that as soon as he heard my voice over the microphone that he turned around and looked at me.  I remember seeing him look at me and that brought a smile to my face while I was trying to give my talk.  

side note, leaders in my church are often referred to as Elder or President, so that is what you will see written here.  

Finding Joy in Life

We are here on this earth for a divine purpose.  We came here to be tried and tested.  Not to be “endlessly entertained” or to be in constant “pursuit of pleasure”.  So, if, as the Book of Mormon prophet Lehi declared in 2 Nephi 2:25 “men are that they might have joy”.  How do we obtain that joy while dealing with the trials and difficulties that come our way?  Because although we are meant to have joy, we also know “it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things”  (2 Ne 2:11) 

In Elder Scott’s talk: Finding Joy in Life (ensign 1996), he said, “Sadness, disappointment, and severe challenge are events in life, not life itself.”  While these events or challenges in our lives are difficult and at times seemingly never ending, we cannot let them “become the confining center of everything [we] do”. 

What trials or challenges might any of us here currently be facing?  Difficulty in school or work?  Challenges in our marriage or family?  Illness?  Death of a loved one?  Could our patience be waning as we continue to wait for the righteous desires of our heart to be fulfilled?  Are any of us weighed down by sin? Could some of us here be questioning our faith in God or struggling to live, and accept the gospel of Jesus Christ?

With these trials we are facing, how in the world are we supposed to find joy in this life?   Do we wait until our trial is over?  No. We can experience joy now. 

Pres. Faust said, “Happiness is not given to us in a package that we can just open up and consume. Nobody is ever happy 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Rather than thinking in terms of a day, we perhaps need to snatch happiness in little pieces, learning to recognize the elements of happiness and then treasuring them while they last.”  (Our Search for Happiness", Ensign, Oct. 2000)

Elder Scott said that our joy in life depends upon the faith we exercise in our Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ, and in our level of faith in the ability of God’s plan of happiness to bring us joy. 

It doesn’t depend on whether or not life is going on as we had planned.  Because if you don’t know already, you will soon discover that life does not usually go as planned.

As the scripture states: “men are that they might have joy”.  From this we learn that our joy is conditional upon our actions.  We must choose obedience and we must choose faith in God if we are to experience the fullness of joy the Lord has in store for us. 

Elder Scott compared our trials to a pebble.   If we hold a pebble close to our eye, it seems like a huge, insurmountable obstacle.  But, if we cast the pebble on the ground we can see it in its proper perspective.  In this  perspective we can prevent this pebble or  trial from “overtak[ing] our vision, absorb[ing] our energy, [or] depriv[ing] us of the joy and beauty the Lord intends us to receive here on earth.” Are we like “rocks” or “corks” when thrown into a sea of problems?  Do we sink like a rock and drown?  Or do we fight to be free and bob up like a cork, determined to overcome our challenges? 

Elder Scott also said, “The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development.  That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not.”

We can also find joy in life as we pray in faith, search the scriptures, and as we learn from others who “have made peace with their challenges and live with joy amid adversity”. 

Learning from the people of Alma in the Book of Mormon, has given me strength and has taught me to have patience and faith in my trials.  The people of Alma were a righteous people who had made a covenant with the Lord to follow Him.  Yet, in Mosiah 23: 21 we learn that the Lord saw fit to try “their patience and their faith”.  While they were in bondage to Lamanites the people of Alma cried to the Lord for help.  As they did so, the Lord promised them, “I will also ease the burdens…that even you cannot feel them upon your backs… and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions…And…the burdens…were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord”  (Mosiah 24:13-15). 

The people of Alma did not “concentrate on what [they] didn’t have or [had] lost”.   Counting the blessings we have rather than the ones we don’t have will bring us joy.  Elder Scott reminds us that the Lord has promised to share all he possesses with those that love and obey Him.  Elder Scott also encourages us to seek out the “compensatory blessings in our life when, in the wisdom of the Lord He deprives you of something you very much want.”  This might be added patience and strength much like the people of Alma received.  Or it could be a strengthening of testimony as when we see that the Lord does visit us in our afflictions.

We can also find joy in this life as we give willing service and focus on others allowing ourselves to forget our own problems.  

Being creative also brings satisfaction and happiness.  President Uchdorf teaches us, “We were created with the express purpose and potential of experiencing a fulness of joy.  Our birthright—and the purpose of our great voyage on this earth—is to seek and experience eternal happiness. One of the ways we find this is by creating things.” Our creativity does not need to be limited to playing a piano or painting a picture.  We can create family memories or happy homes.  (Happiness Our Heritage talk)

In the women’s conference I attended yesterday, (Saturday), the theme was “living after the manner of happiness”.  President Riding counseled us to trust in God, because as the scripture in Proverbs 16:20 states, “whoso trusteth in the Lord, happy is he.” 

“God’s love brings peace and joy” (Elder. Scott).  When we trust in God we will feel of His love, and will feel joy.  With my most recent seemingly never ending trial of my faith—waiting for a child to come to my family, I found that the times when I placed my trust in God, I was happy and felt joy.  God does visit us in our afflictions.  He does love us and wants us to be happy. 

Refocusing

I have been thinking about the title of my blog and what my purpose in blogging was:  to find joy and to record it.  I feel I have wandered a bit from this purpose and lately I have been struggling find joy in this journey.  So I am going to try harder to find joy in my day to day life, and will make a more concerted effort to record it and therefore recognize and feel joy in my life.

Today at church I felt that God was aware of me.  This brought me some hope and peace.

I heard some good quotes from the talk: Broken Things to Mend by Elder Holland:

"To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said it in the beginning of His ministry, and He said it in the end. He said it to believers, and He said it to those who were not so sure. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be:

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls."2  . . . He is saying to us, "Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going," He says, "we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness," He promises. "I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls." . . . the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair.14 From the beginning, trust in such help was to give us both a reason and a way to improve, an incentive to lay down our burdens and take up our salvation. There can and will be plenty of difficulties in life. Nevertheless, the soul that comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as the hymn says, "beyond [his] own."15 The Savior reminds us that He has "graven [us] upon the palms of [His] hands."16 Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, "Come unto me," He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way.”

That's all for now.

Flip Flopping

Sometimes I feel like a politician.  There are politicians who are known for frequently switching their positions.  Whether or not you agree with them is beside the point.  This is just what they are known for.

Well, I am beginning to wonder if I am a flip flopper.  I can’t seem to make up my mind.  One day I am totally fine with God’s plan for me, and think I can do this, and then the next, not so much.  I feel confused and upset and aggravated.  Then I go to bed and wake up and think, okay I can do this, things will work out.  All of this flip flopping is driving me crazy. 

Here’s how the latest occurred.  It was Sunday, and I was talking about something that has been on my mind for awhile.  My hubby simply asked, “have you prayed about it?” 

I replied something to the effect of: “yeah, but just praying about something doesn’t make it happen”.  Sometimes my hubby is so full of faith and I just feel like I am floundering.  Things are so simple for him, and so complex for me.  I was slightly annoyed that he thought I could just pray and things would be solved.  Didn’t he have any idea how many prayers of mine have gone unanswered?  I was slightly upset at him, but we worked it out, because really it was God I was mad at.  I was mad because how am I supposed to believe I can pray to Him and have things work out when it seems like so many things aren’t?  

Of course this occurred minutes before we were supposed to go to church.  I didn’t want to go.  I never just skip church, but so many times this year I have wanted to.  This was another one of those days.  I almost stayed, but then with the convincing of my hubby and sock monkey I decided to go.  (If you just read that last sentence you will know how weird I am.  I just love my stuffed monkeys)  My hubby was having Stanley my sock monkey talk with his arms folded asking me why I wouldn’t go to church, and how was he ever going to learn about God if I didn’t teach him, etc.   And then he would kiss me with his big fat red sock monkey lips.  It was pretty funny. 

Anyhow, so I went to church, it was okay.  I was getting through it until the last class.  It was the worst.  And it made me wish I had stayed at home.  It was about the scriptures and I had to hear people talking about how the scriptures are a great guide for them and when we aren’t praying and reading the scriptures that is when life is the worst.  That isn’t necessarily true.  I read and pray and life still brings hard times.  So I got mad and sad again.  It was one of the longest classes in the world, but finally it ended and I was able to go home. 

One of the hard parts about it was last week my hubby and I had discussed the talk this lesson was on and we had a great discussion and I was full of faith and conviction about how great the scriptures were, but now a few days later, I was bitter and sad.  I was just flip flopping again.

One of my biggest fears with all of this infertility stuff was that I would end up turning away from God.  But many times it seems that He has turned away from me.  I am trying to hang on to my faith in Him, but sometimes it is really hard.  

Oh well, life goes on, right?  Yep.  So I went to bed, felt a little better when I woke up, and now am back to feeling a little “blah” after writing this.  Oh well, guess I better flip flop my emotions again and go work out or eat a yummy breakfast.  

Or maybe I’ll see if I can run for mayor or council member.  With all of experience with flip flopping my feelings on God and life in general maybe I’ll be pretty good at politics.  Yeah right.  I would hate to be a politician.

Good News Minute

At church there are various classes that I attend.  One of the classes is called Relief Society and it is just with the ladies.  Before class starts we hear announcements of any upcoming activities and then the lady conducting always asks if anyone has anything to share for the "good news minute".

Of course there are always pregnancy announcements, but there are also people telling that they ran 1/2 marathons, or are graduating from college, etc. Well a few weeks ago after my big baby shower gift shopping spree one of my neighbors that goes to my church came over.  I was showing her my purchases and we were chatting, and she knows I'm infertile and stuff.  So she was telling me how she had just turned 40 and had been freaking out because she hadn't had her period for 2 months.  She said she had just gone to the doctor to get a pregnancy test and was so relieved that it was negative.  It was hilarious.  I thought how she is thrilled she isn't pregnant and I am devastated that I'm not.  It just depends on our stage of life how we react to our period and to pregnancy test results.  I still told her that if she ended up getting pregnant I was prepared with a shower gift for her.  :)

That led us to start joking about the "good news minute" in Relief Society and how it would be a bad news minute if she had to share her pregnancy news.  (We currently have at least 7 ladies that are pregnant at church).  We were laughing our heads off.  Then she said, "Ok,  on Sunday I'll announce that my good news minute is that I turned 40.  And then you can say, And more good news is that she's not pregnant."  It was great to think about it.  But we never did it.  She never announced her news, so I couldn't follow up with my part of the plan.

But this week during the "good news minute" one of my friends announced, "I'm pregnant."  To which my neighbor chimed in, "And I'm not!"  It was too funny.  All of the ladies were confused.  The room was buzzing with, "Who's pregnant now? and What did she say?"  It was awesome.

So, here is my good news minute:  I'm going to Australia & New Zealand in less than a month!  I am so stinking excited.  I love to travel.  I can hardly wait to hold a koala bear or jump into a kangaroo's pouch.

What's your good news minute?

Patience and Faith

At church today I listened to a very good talk.  The lady spoke about how we can rely on God for help with our burdens.  I especially liked the quotes she shared by Elder Maxwell about how patience and help have a unique relationship.

Here was one that I liked, "the Lord simultaneously tries the patience of his people even as he tries their faith (see Mosiah 23:21). One is not only to endure—but to endure well and gracefully those things which the Lord “seeth fit to inflict upon [us]” (Mosiah 3:19), just as did a group of ancient American Saints who were beating unusual burdens but who submitted “cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Mosiah 24:15)."

This is a link to the whole talk: LDS.org - Ensign Article - Patience

This evening I was still reflecting on that quote and wanted to read the whole talk.  The whole talk was so great.  Elder Maxwell was a master of the English language.  I just love reading his talks.  This was another quote I liked:
"Sometimes that which we are doing is correct enough but simply needs to be persisted in—patiently—not for a minute or a moment but sometimes for years. Paul speaks of the marathon of life and how we must “run with patience the race that is set before us” (Heb. 12:1). Paul did not select the hundred-yard dash for his analogy!"


This struck home.  As much as I wish this infertile race was a 100 yard dash.  It sure isn't.  I don't know how long I will have to run this infertile race, but for as long as it lasts, I  need to try to run it more patiently.  As I thought about how much I wished this race could be over I just how far sperm needed to travel to reach the egg.  It is clearly not 100 yards, so you would think they could reach their destination easily.  

According to wiki answers:

"The sperm have to travel about 10 cms only. But this is a difficult task for it to ovecome all the hurdles. Half of the sperm would be dead and remaining would be not able to travel properly.  The remaining sperm have to overcome the unfaconditions of the vagina. Even under the most favorable conditions, the sperm have a daunting distance to travel. Although only about 4 inches (10 cm) lie between the sperm and egg, the extreme itti-bittiness of the sperm make this distance a marathon. The sperm's whiplike tail, 10 times the length of its head, can propel it at about 3mm per hour."  

If my math is correct, that means it would take about 33 hrs for the sperm to reach the egg.  I guess they do have a long, tough road to travel as well.  I will try not judge them so harshly anymore. 

Here are some other quotes by Elder Maxwell that I liked: 


"There is also a dimension of patience which links it to a special reverence for life. Patience is a willingness, in a sense, to watch the unfolding purposes of God with a sense of wonder and awe—rather than pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstance.


Too much anxious opening of the oven door and the cake falls instead of rising! So it is with us. If we are always selfishly taking our temperature to see if we are happy, we won’t be.

When we are impatient, we are neither reverential nor reflective because we are too self-centered. Whereas faith and patience are companions, so are selfishness and impatience."

That is what I am doing right now--constantly, "opening the oven door" hoping to see a "little bun in the oven", and when I don't see one I am reminding myself that I am not happy about my current infertile situation.  No amount of thinking, "it's not fair", or being upset at God has helped me feel any better.  


I think it is a tricky balance.  Because you have to think about your current situation to figure out how to fix it, but you need to make sure it doesn't become all consuming or too depressing that you can't think straight.  

I have still been struggling with prayer, but this talk and a few others I have been listening to on my iPod lately have been helping.  This talk has helped to see the connection between patience and faith, and realize that I am in short supply of both.  

"Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually, when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know what is best—better than does God. Or, at least, we are asserting that our timetable is better than his. Either way we are questioning the reality of God’s omniscience, as if, as some seem to believe, God were on some sort of postdoctoral fellowship." Elder Maxwell

This was the "wake up call" I needed.  Who am I to think that I know more than God?  I realize how much more I need to learn and grow.  I hope to have more patience in this trial.  

I am grateful I was able to go to church today and receive this guidance and direction that I desperately needed.  Now to put it into practice--that's always the tricky part.  

Limbo Land

I am in Limbo land right now.  I am trying to take a break from thinking about my infertile life, but how can I?  It's like trying to avoid my own shadow.  There is no escaping the fact that I am infertile.  My husband and I agreed to take a break from thinking about it until January.  And that helped until January came.  Maybe for my peace of mind I should've said January of 2012 (that's when the world is supposed to end anyway, right?).

The thought of another round of IVF scares me to death.  I don't think I can handle the hormones and the emotions associated with it.  The thought of doing anything, pursuing adoption or becoming child free scares me to death.  The thought of doing nothing and not thinking about it depresses me.  It's not easy to do nothing.  I'm not getting any younger.  If I want to have a family I need to get going on this.  So then I think, why do I even want kids?  Should I decide to be child free?  Why can't I be one of those people that always wanted to be childfree?  It would've worked out perfectly--being ignorantly infertile.  I can just imagine freaking out that I might be pregnant when I missed a birth control pill, and then being so relieved when I wasn't. Wouldn't that be strange?

What to do, what to do?

Maybe I need to take more time to heal.  I thought I had, but it is quickly becoming evident that maybe I need more time.  Maybe I ripped the bandage off too soon.  I once heard the phrase that "faith has a short shelf life", so therefore we need to always keep replenishing our storage.  I think I had a lot built up, but then IVF, wiped it all out.  Just like an emergency disaster would wipe out my all of my emergency food I had stockpiled.  Maybe right now I need to focus on restocking my supply of faith and courage to even be able to make a decision.  Because even if I built up enough reserve to make a decision, would I have enough to even pursue the course?  I really doubt it.  I am having an especially hard time with prayer in relation to infertility.

I was enjoying remembering what I was like pre-infertility, pre-hopped up on hormones.  It was kind of nice.  I missed that person.  I had forgotten what she was like.  Maybe she needs to get a little more attention for awhile.

I liked one thing that a lady at church said today about being grateful.  She said, "I count the things I have, not the things I don't have"  So, in order to end on a good note, I will do just that:

1. wonderful husband
2. good job
3. good friends and family
4. a warm and beautiful home
5. a Father in Heaven who loves me.  I know He loves me, I really do.  If I can just remember that, everything will be alright. 

On that note I will go to bed and hopefully slip into sleep.
Good night.

Party in the Boots

During the winter I wear boots to church most every Sunday. And since nobody can see my legs I like to wear crazy socks under them. So my husband and I call it “party in the boots”. You gotta have some fun when looking all nice at church. On our double date the guys had given each of us a pre-Valentine gift because just like how the moon was closer, Valentine's day was getting closer and they just loved us so much they couldn't wait that long. Aaaah, how sweet. So, today I got to wear my new heart socks my hubby had given me on wolf moon friday and had a rockin' party in the boots.

I remember when I went to the doctor last year for what ended up being my last IUI. It was actually right around Valentine's Day last year too. So, just for kicks I decided to wear my Valentine's day socks that said "hug me sweetie" with x's and o's all over them. After all, this was as romantic a conception as we could hope to get, and by golly I was going to make it special. I wish I had brought candles and asked my doctor to dim the lights as well, but I didn't want to overdo it. But my husband, the doctor, and I all had a good laugh when I put my feet up in the stirrups that day.

Still Looking...

I went to church today and I came away with a little nugget of truth that I think will help me in my quest to find joy.

This is it: "true doctrine understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior" Boyd K. Packer

There are a lot of behaviors and attitudes in myself that I want to change. (I don't think I need to divulge all of my secrets here.)

But I realized that some things had been slipping of late. I was not taking as much time to adequately study the gospel of Jesus Christ through prayer, scripture study, or meditation. And then when I did take the time, I was not all that well engaged.

I realized that I needed to let the doctrine of Christ's love and teachings sink deeper into my life and then I would feel happier and experience more joy.

Thinking on that brought me joy. And helped me formulate a plan to help me in studying and understanding true doctrine, and thus help me in my quest to feel joy.

Barfing, Envy, Coming to Terms

What do all of these things have in common?

I have no idea.

I hate when I have to barf. Last night I felt sick to my stomach like I needed to puke, but couldn't, when finally I followed my husband's advice to stick 2 fingers down my throat and get it over with. Never before had I done that, but it worked. And I felt better.

Now on to envy. One thing I hate about blogs is that when I read other people's blogs they seem to be having a great life. Everything is super great for them, and I feel so inadequate or wonder why don't I have the talent or abilities that some of these people have? And I hate myself for it and I hate others for having those abilities and utilizing them. I'm sure I could do great things, but for whatever reason I need to learn to be content with the tiny spot of earth God has asked me to tend. I often feel like a "worker ant" just carrying crumbs to and fro, knowing I am part of something big, but sometimes wishing I could be the star for just a short moment in time.

Next up, coming to terms. I happened to click on the cjane enjoy it blog button that one of my friend's blogs has and I of course was envious of her and her success. I want to be a writer and a great photographer and here she had both. Why her, why not me? I know she has had a tough life, her sister was in a plane crash (I read nie nie-might ring a bell), but still, that wasn't helping. Then I happened to click on her "about me" icon and I was struck by the fact that she had experienced infertility and had decided to blog because as she wrote, "In 2005, I Courtney Jane decided to start a blog because I heard that blogging made dreams come true. And oh boy, I wanted a baby. When I wasn't pregnant after my fourth month posting, and with a daily serving of people telling me to "just enjoy" our child-less state, I moved to make my blog proof that I found joy in infertility." I couldn't believe this when I read it, and in that moment I felt normal again. I felt that here I had a chance to be happy, (not holding out for the pregnancy part). And a small part of my envy and sadness slipped away.

I was at church today and everyone was talking about how last year was a tough year, and I realized that so many people are fighting a hard battle. And probably this next year will still be a tough year for me and many others. I will hope for rainbows and ponies, but will not be surprised if I have to settle for lucky charms and ponytail hairdos as the highlights of my days.

I wonder, does anyone ever envy me? That would be interesting to know. Because if they did, I would just tell them they were off their rocker, and that there was no reason to be jealous of me. In thinking of that it reminds me of church a little bit. At church everyone is dressed in their Sunday best and it is easy to be envious of one another because everyone looks great. But under the surface everyone is struggling. Some have issues in their marriages, some have problems with their kids, or kids with their parents, or health problems, infertility, financial uncertainty, loneliness, etc. You name, someone's got it. Everyone is dealing with something. No one has a perfect life. But you don't see it, all you see is how they seem to have it all put together for those few hrs each week, and if you are not careful, you create a warped sense of who they are in connection with who you are. We all just put on a pretty face and try to get through life as best we can. I guess it really does just come down to how you act and react to your individual trials and situations.

I guess life is a lot like barfing sometimes. You can sometimes feel so sick to your stomach tired of life, but once you go through the trial and experience, supposedly you feel better. (At least that's what I've heard--j/k, I know that's true, it is just hard to remember sometimes)

Today I was thinking about the scripture, "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25) I thought, what was he thinking, seriously? Did Adam really think he would be helping us have joy by partaking of the forbidden fruit and enabling us to experience mortality and all the trials that come with it? Well, whether he did or didn't know what he was doing, God did. He provided us with a Savior who would make it possible for us to repent and be forgiven and experience joy in mortality. God wants us to be happy, that if for sure. And that is how I came to terms with that scripture and my life as I know it today.