Thursday, October 28, 2010

A few addendums to the previous post

Some who have read my previous post about infertility and baby loss have gotten the wrong idea.  I no longer feel the pain or loss that can come with infertility.  This was resolved awhile ago.  My pain was no longer my inability to get pregnant and give birth to my child, my pain was not being able to have children come into my home who would consider me and call me their mom.  I realize that we are all in different places in our journey through infertility and growing our families.

Sure, it would be great to wake up and be pregnant, but I don't expect it, and don't feel sad that it doesn't happen.  I have embraced this new way of growing my family.  Will I pursue more infertility treatments in the future?  Who knows?  You never want to rule anything out in this game, but at this point, I have had my fill of the RE, stirrups, hormones, BFN, etc.

It is also important to note that adopting or having a child does not cure infertility.  Sometimes it still takes time to come to terms with the emotional and psychological pain infertility has caused.  And it is important to come to terms with it.  Thankfully, I feel that I have.  Writing in this blog, learning of your stories, and focusing on finding joy on a daily basis are just some of the ways that helped me to be able to do that.

But I don't feel like my body is broken.  No one has the ideal body.

Also, no one has the ideal family.  Realizing this helped me deal with and come to terms with the fact that my family size wasn't what I wanted it to be.

My ultimate goal has always been to be a mom and to have children in my home calling me mom.  It took time to come to this realization.  I had to come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be pregnant or that I wouldn't hear my baby's heartbeat or find out his or her sex via an ultrasound at the doctor's office.  And I have embraced the perks that come with not being pregnant or going through labor.  I am thrilled that we were able to grow our family through adoption and I look forward to adopting more children.

And as far as people telling me how brave I was to go on FB...Yes, it was difficult to put myself out there.   And I still wonder if maybe I should delete it.  We'll see.  Not because what I feel has changed, but that maybe the people that read it there will also get the wrong idea about my feelings on infertility and our adoption.

And if I didn't have my little guy with me, I am pretty sure I would not have said anything unless I had already been brave enough to use the outlet of FB to get the word out that we were hoping to adopt.  There are a lot of insensitive people who say stupid things.  And whether or not you want every person you know on FB to know about such a tender and difficult trial you are experiencing is up to you.  We all know how difficult this journey is.  Sure, it would be easier if we all talked about it.  And it sure would be much easier if the general public knew how to better talk about pain, infertility and infant loss.

I just take one day at a time, one step at a time.

Facebook : Baby Loss Month post

I woke up at 3 am to feed my little guy and couldn't go back to sleep.  Around 5:30 I got tired of lying in bed and started putzing around the house. I messed around on the computer, fed the little guy (I think from here on out I will refer to him as LG), read, and then reflected on an idea that had been vaguely mulling around in my head.  And the following is the result.  I decided to write a little something on FB about infertility and baby loss.  I lumped infertility into it because, as infertiles, even though we have not physically lost a baby, we deal with the unrealistic, but yes, lost dream of having children at the drop of a hat.  I came out on FB, because, frankly, now it was easy.  It is now clearly evident, I think, that we had infertility issues and were blessed with a baby through the miracle of adoption.  We naturally keep the pain and diagnosis of infertility hidden, especially on FB, for various reasons which I won't go into at this time, but now, that my infertility is no longer hidden, I felt strongly about writing something about it, especially on FB.

So here is what I wrote and posted:

I don’t usually post things like this here, but I just wanted to, so I am.  It has been an exciting, crazy, busy, fun month, as many of you know.   But, as an infertile I would feel remised if I did not post something here on FB about October being Baby Loss Awareness month.  It is a month to remember all types of pregnancy loss and infant death including miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, etc.  So while you would have to live in a cave without any other human contact to not know that it was Breast Cancer Awareness month, (not knocking Breast Cancer Month), but you may not have known that is also Baby Loss Awareness Month.  And I am sure it is many other things month: like nephew appreciation month, Hispanic heritage month, etc.  I will let someone else speak about those causes.  The reason I am putting this on FB is because FB can be a cruel reminder to infertile people or those coping with infant loss of just how much we are missing out on.  Many infertile people comes to hate FB, because as I remember one fellow infertile said something to the effect of, “FB is like opening a Christmas card about someone else’s amazing life, only you have to do it 365 times a year”.  Not to make any of you feel bad, that’s just the reality of it.  So, for those who are infertile, I know your pain and I hope it will be relieved soon. 
So, I just wanted to tell all of those that have experienced an infant loss that I am heartbroken for you and your loss and I hope you can find peace and comfort in some way and in some time.  For those who have not experienced the pain of infertility or infant loss and sometimes wonder what you could say or do; well since I don’t have space to write a novel here, I would merely say, be sensitive, be compassionate, be understanding, and reach out and let them know you care.  

That’s all.  Thanks for reading.  

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Wordless Wednesday: This just makes me smile

I just walked by the computer and saw they my hubby had put a different photo on the screen saver.  With all the pics we have taken we keep changing them almost as frequently as we are changing diapers.  Ok, not that frequently, but every few days we have  different fun picture of our little guy on the computer.  And this is the one he put up.  It just made me laugh and smile. 

Here he is, all 20+ inches of him
My hubby was saying this is the "bird's eye view" or "helicopter parent" view
He looks so little here.  He is already getting so big.  I can't believe it.  

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Of all the months of the year, for me, this one seems to always revolve around infertility and children.   I spent many an October crossing my fingers and holding onto hope only to find myself in tears wondering when the hole and ache in my heart would heal.  So, the fact that my hubby and I were hoping to adopt our child in October filled me with some fear and trepidation.

October is a month filled with family fun with the onset of fall and Halloween.  I have always loved seeing kids trick or treating and filled with excitement as they run around in their costumes.  I have fond memories myself of trick or treating and enjoying the smell of candles burning in jack-o-lanterns.

But with every IVF treatment ending in disaster in October, I came to hate and dread this lovely month.  Holidays are so much more fun when kids are involved.  They create the magic and excitement that comes with the holidays.

With a child in our home, October has become a happy and exciting time of year again.  We visited the pumpkin patch as a family and I reveled in the peace and happiness I felt to have a child to call my own.

For many of you, you are still waiting for the laughter of a child or even more children to come to your home.  And my heart aches for you and I hope it happens soon.

The irony was not lost on my husband and me when on our stressful adoption placement day as we were waiting for time to slowly tick by until papers would be signed that Tom Petty's song, "The waiting is the hardest part" came on.  We nervously laughed, then sighed, moaned, and groaned.  My husband said, "no kidding".  For all of those still waiting, I am thinking of you and I know how hard it is.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

So much Love

That is the line that has been running through my head these last few weeks.  This baby has brought so much love into our home and so many people have so much love for him.

When I think about his birthparents and how they love him and are concerned about how he is doing; or when I put our little guy down on the blanket his birthfather's mom and sister made for him, I am humbled by the amount of love they have for our baby.

All of our friends at work, in the neighborhood, and church have so much love for him.  I will always remember when we took our kid to church and shocked everyone with his arrival.   People were crying and smiling all at the same time.  I will always remember how "L", after hearing the news and seeing our baby said, "this is the happiest day of my life".

His uncle came to visit and decorated his room.  It looks so awesome.  After coming home from dropping my brother off at the airport I walked back into our little guy's room.  As I quietly admired his room, I felt so much love and happiness emanating from that room.  It is unbelievable how many people love our little guy.

There are many more people and experiences I could recount.

His grandma texting us saying, "I can't wait to get a hold of this little guy"
My neighbor thanking me for calling her to see if she could watch him.  And then seeing how she was willing to change her whole schedule so she could do it.
Another brother of mine leaving a message to have me call him when our baby woke up so he could talk to him.
Watching his daddy hold him and give him fatherly advice.

I feel so much love for my son when I see his bright eyes looking at me.  I feel love for him when I watch him sleep or when I respond to his cries to be held, changed, or fed.  I love talking to him, holding him, and being his mom.

When I think of the love this little guy has brought into my life, I am just in awe, and all I can say is, "Wow".  And I can't help but repeat this same phrase in my head, "so much love".

I hope our little guy will always know and feel of the love that I and countless others have for him.
He is a special little guy, that's for sure.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

A whole lot of joy

I have reflected again and again about what to write today.  For those who may be visiting the first time for ICLW, welcome to a happy spot in blogland.  My hubby and I just adopted our first child, and he really is a dream come true.  He is so sweet and so cute.

And if that wasn't enough, he even sleeps during the night--only waking up to eat.  I have quickly found that is the number one question I am asked.  Are you sleeping?  Is he sleeping?  And I can see why, because even though he only wakes up to eat and then goes back to bed, I have never felt so sleep deprived in my life.  I can't imagine how it would be if I was recovering from a delivery, breast feeding, and he wasn't sleeping.  I have a whole new appreciation for the obsession that moms have about talking about their kids sleep patterns.

But enough about that.  I have much more to write about than sleep.  As you all know, the title of my blog is: Find Joy Now.  And the joy that our little guy has brought into my life is unbelievable.  And as the blurb on the side of my blog says, I plan on writing about the joyful things in my life.  I am sure we will pursue adoption again in the future.  And who knows, if I ever overcome my fear of stirrups, maybe I would face the hormonal and emotional nightmare of infertility treatments.  And I guess there is always the chance that now that I am so relaxed and have adopted, I should anticipate announcing my upcoming pregnancy any day now.  j/k.

I like how my hubby said it, "who knew 20 inches could change your life so much".  So, anyhow, I guess what I am saying, is that this is my new life.  And I love it.  And I plan on blogging about it and the other things going on in my life.  I hope many of you will stay and enjoy the journey with me.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Whirlwind of events

These last few days have been insanely busy, exhausting, and exciting.  I wouldn't trade them for anything.  Our family all left yesterday, daddy went back to work, so now it is just me and my little guy.  All I want to do is sleep.

Some friends had a baby shower for us.  It was so fun.  We received so many gifts, I was blown away.  This is a picture I took after we finally finished opening the gifts.  :D

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Midnight Munchies

Our little guy is a good eater, maybe too good, especially at night.  My hubby says, "he has an insatiable appetite".  I have been up all night with him, and hopefully the feeding frenzy and the crazy amount of sucking on his pacifier b/c I wasn't going to feed him formula all night, is over for a few hours, rather than a few minutes.

Here he is after a midnight snack the other night.

It's all good though.

A friend of mine who has twins (I actually have quite a few of them), called me yesterday and asked me if I was surviving.  I quipped back, "We are not surviving, we are thriving".  And we are.  My life is truly amazing right now.  I cannot wait until the rest of you are toting around your little bundles of joy.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I'm in love

Our little guy is so sweet in every way.  He has the best disposition and is so happy just chillin out with us.  He is so stinkin cute and everyone who lays eyes of him just adores him.  We feel so lucky to have him in our home.  He has filled it with so much joy and happiness.  

I am loving my new sleep deprived life.  I never realized how sleep deprived one gets being up constantly with the baby, and then once I wake up, I can't fall back asleep because my mind is racing.  I try to relax and calm down, but if my mind wanders even a smidge I am back to thinking about all the wonderful things our little guy did that day, and sleep flies out the window.  Tonight I actually was able to get a bit of sleep; my hubby did the 3 am feed; so that was nice.  But I will take sleep deprivation any day in exchange for taking care of my little guy.  

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Our little guy

He's here and he's home!

He was a great little traveler.  Both he and his birth mother have a matching bear.  So the bear was getting to know him on the ride home.  (we sent this picture to her on the drive home)

Here I am with our little guy after his birth parents lovingly placed him in my arms.  He is so cute!

Thank you everyone for your good vibes, thoughts, and prayers.   We really appreciated them!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Hanging in there


I could really use some cranberries and almonds to help my stress level right now. My hubby's mom is a nail biter so we keep saying that by now she has no finger or toe nails and is probably chewing on her arm.

I try to keep my mind off everything, but am not having much luck right now.
I could really use a good run or yoga class right now. Deep breathe.
I have currently resorted to chocolate and a good book. I hope that does the trick.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Stanley models...

our baby's blanket.  I sewed this little blanket for our baby tonight.  And Stanley insisted on trying it out.  I think Stanley is pretty excited to have a new playmate.  I told him that he's not the only one. :D

Monday, October 4, 2010

Pent up energy

Today I have already gone for a run and scrubbed my shower till it sparkles.  Sat I cleaned the garage and it looks awesome.  Especially since the couches are gone!

I received a sweet card from a friend.  This is what it said, "WOW, after all of that waiting, your adoption is finally happening!"  on the inside of the card it says, "How do you do it?  I barely have the patience to wait for my microwave popcorn.  Congratulations."  I thought that was so nice of my friend to think of me and send me that card.  It made me think, I am just waiting for the baby to pop out like a piece of popcorn.  Come on out kiddo, we are ready for you!

We have our pack n play and even the crib all set up.  I was impressed with my hubby's skills in getting the crib set up.  Now we just need a baby to put in them.

That's enough rambling for now, I'm sure more will follow.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Amazing Race

The reality show I enjoy watching is the Amazing Race.  I love to travel, I love to learn about other cultures and places, and if I can't travel, at least I can watch others do it.

This season there is a team made up of a biological mother and her daughter she placed for adoption.  The first episode was last week, and it was interesting to see them interact.  The first time they spoke on the phone was when they submitted their application and it is unclear if they met or interacted much prior to meeting up on the race.  

You can see how they are a bit unsure about how to interact with each other and they want to take advantage of this time together. 

I am looking forward to watching their relationship develop and I hope they make it far on the race.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Random things adoption has brought about

1. I learned how to read in a car.  I no longer get car sick when reading.  I used to always say if I could just read in a car, that would be so awesome, now I can, and it's awesome.  I love it.  It was always such a drag on long car trips just having to sit there and wish I could read, now I can.  I am also working on crocheting the edge of a blanket, so that should give me something else to do when I am a passenger in the car again.

2. The need to get rid of our couches! They are great couches, but they are floral print and they were very useful when we were newlyweds and didn't have much furniture.  But it is time to say goodbye to them and give them to other people who can love and use them.  We have had them stuck in one of our extra bedrooms taking up space for too long, but my hubby didn't want to part with them.  But now, he has to say goodbye to them.  I love rearranging furniture to make room for baby stuff.

Move over couch, there's a baby coming through!

These few things are obviously unimportant in the scheme of things, but it is fun to remember them.