Monday, May 24, 2010

This Lovely Life

This Lovely Life
This weekend I read the book:  This lovely life: a memoir of premature motherhood.   It opened my eyes to the suffering and grief that can surround families with premature and severely disabled children.  The book also showed how the mother came to love and care for her premature twins conceived after years of fertility treatments while finding forgiveness and embracing her "lovely life".  Born at 24 wks gestation, one twin died just a few days after birth, while the other lived almost 8 yrs with severe disabilities.  This book taught me more about how devastating and life changing the loss of a child, and caring for a child with disabilities can be.  It also taught me how we can rise above these challenges and accept them.

In the book she included this poem written by her friend's grandmother.  The author's friend also had a disabled daughter and they had met during their time in the NICU together.

Ah, lovely life

Come stay yet a while with me
I am a beggar for your errant charms,
although I know your sorrows many be

I try to hold you prisoner in my arms
I'll ever dread to see you go away

Yet you are fickle as the 
restless sea

Your trials are heavy 
let come what may
The thrill of you is ever there
for me. 

Through this book I was reminded that while I don't have a perfect life, I have a lovely one.  This weekend was hard for me emotionally.  I have no idea why, maybe I was hormonal, maybe I was wasn't.  I was just tired of still not having kids.  But kids or no kids, I do have a lovely life and I will make more of an effort to remember that and enjoy the loveliness that it contains.    

Friday, May 21, 2010

Infertility ABCs

I got this idea from blogger sweet pea to list things from A to Z about ourselves.  Well, I first decided to do an infertility ABC and then later on in the week I will do one with stuff other than infertility.

A:  Everyone’s got advice for infertiles
B:  BFN.  Again.  Aaargh!  I am so sick of that result
C:  I don’t want a cat, I want a child
D: Infertility is a Disease
E:  Eggs.  All I need is one good egg and one little sperm
F:  I wish I was fertile
G:  I want a girl
H:  I hate being hopped up on hormones
I:  IVF--I’ve done it twice  
J:  Just relax.  Sure, no problem
K:  Keep the faith 
L:  I always wear lucky socks to the RE
M:  When will someone call me mom?
N:  Negative again
O:  If only I could ovulate
P:  Pee on a stick 
Q:  I'm on a quest to find joy while trying to build my family 
R:  My REs have made way too much money off me 
S:  I currently have Stirrupaphobia
T:  All I want for Christmas are Two pink lines 
U:  I have a unicornuate uterus.  Lucky me
V:  Vaginal Ultrasounds, I have had too many of those
W:  When will we have children?
X:  Maybe I'll name my first girl Xena Princess Warrior        
Y:  Y is infertility so hard?
Z:  Maybe someday I will have a zygote

What would some of your ABC's be?

Infertile or non infertile ABC lists are welcome.

If you like you can link your list to my very first try at a Mclinky list.
In your post you have to include a link back to this post.
This list will be open through the end of ICLW (Fri May 28th)

Thursday, May 20, 2010


I haven't babysat in a long time.  But last night I babysat a cute little baby.  He was so sweet.  He was only a few weeks old.  He took forever to eat his bottle, and then he wouldn't fall asleep unless I was holding him.  I had planned on getting a few things done while he was sleeping, but instead I ended up watching a movie while holding him.  While I work in a nursery at a local hospital, I don't get time to just "hold babies"  So, it was actually quite peaceful and nice to hold him all night.

I was a little nervous when I had to change his diaper just because I am so accustomed to wearing gloves when I do that.  Thankfully, this baby's diapers are still so small, (which I am used to that), and he had only peed so it was easier to do that without gloves.  You might all think that is strange that I wanted gloves, but it made me feel better when I was talking to a fellow coworker and she was telling me how when she first had to change her grand baby's diaper without gloves she was so grossed out.  I always wonder if I will be able to change my baby's diapers without gloves or not.  I suppose so, but we'll see.

And in a few weeks I will be helping my sister with her new baby and toddler, so I will get many more opportunities to change diapers without gloves.  Yikes.  It will be fun though, I am looking forward to it.  I always love playing and messing around with my nieces and nephews.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Screaming Child

Sometimes I love the screaming child because it reminds me that maybe it's okay that I don't have kids yet.

I ran into quite a few on my recent airplane trips, and at that point in time, I wasn't too thrilled to be near a screaming child.  But it did serve it's purpose.  At least I didn't need to attend to it and try to get it to be quiet.  All that screaming can really get on a person's nerves after awhile.

Yesterday at the grocery store I ran into a whining and pouting child.  This kid was insisting that his mom buy him school supplies.  Well, the school year is almost over and this mom didn't want to.  She kept saying, "No, put that back.  I am not buying that."   And the kid kept saying, "But you said I could get it.  I need it."  It was hilarious.  And I thought, ok, this is good, this helps me be okay not having kids yet.

But then I turned the corner and I saw a dad pushing 2 kids in the cart all over the store and they were all smiling and laughing and having way too much fun.

Why can't kids always be screaming?  It would really make this infertility business much more easier to deal with.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Grandpa Bill

I will miss you.

Grandpa Bill was my husband's grandpa, but he became mine the minute I became a part of his family.  I loved his laugh and his facial expressions.  It was always so fun to visit him.  He was so kind and funny.  He dealt with a lot of pain in the latter years of his life, but he endured it well and with a smile.  He had such love for his family.  I am so glad I knew him, he was such a wonderful person.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Are we not all mothers? Celebrating my Day

On this Mother's Day I wanted to share some quotes from a talk that Sheri Dew, (a lady from my church) gave (Ensign November 2001, Are we not all mothers?)

She talks about Eve and the fact that all of us are mothers.  I like this scripture I read in Genesis 3:20 today: "And Adam called his wife’s name Eve; because she was the the mother of all living."

These were some of my favorite parts, but here is the link to the whole talk.

"While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living”—and they did so before she ever bore a child. 

Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born...righteous women were endowed premortally with the privilege of motherhood. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us....

For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord’s timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led. 

Eve set the pattern. In addition to bearing children, she mothered all of mankind when she made the most courageous decision any woman has ever made and with Adam opened the way for us to progress. She set an example of womanhood for men to respect and women to follow, modeling the characteristics with which we as women have been endowed: heroic faith, a keen sensitivity to the Spirit, an abhorrence of evil, and complete selflessness. Like the Savior, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,” Eve, for the joy of helping initiate the human family, endured the Fall. She loved us enough to help lead us. 

As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughters of Eve, we are all mothers and we have always been mothers."

So while I know this, I am still a bit apprehensive about going to church today.  Last night my hubby told me they would be passing out flower to the mothers, and my heart sank.  This has been a tradition in the past, but they seemed to be getting away from it, but I guess they changed their mind.  I got angry and frustrated.  I hate the awkwardness that comes when people get to me and are not sure if they should give me a flower or not.  And I really don't like it when people that know I don't have kids wish me a Happy Mother's Day.  (Because even though I just wrote about how we are all mothers, it can still be hard to remember that when you are surrounded by people wishing you a Happy Mother's day)  I will try to just say thank you and move on, but I would really rather they just say, "Hi, How are you, good to see you.  Hope you have a good day."  Or if they give me a flower say, "thinking of you today"  That would be nice,  just don't say Happy Mother's Day to me.  But I know it will happen, so today when I am told that I will say "thank you" and know that they are really telling me "Happy J Day".  Also I will try to remember a quote attributed to Brigham Young, "he who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool , and he who takes offense when offense is intended is usually a fool".  

This morning when we woke up my sweet husband told me, "Happy J Day"  "Today we celebrate you.  This is your special day."  We made belgian waffles topped with strawberries and powdered sugar and had a nice morning.  He gave me a sweet card and helped me feel special and loved.  

I also wanted to thank the blogger at "my infertility woes" for her post in celebration of us today.  It was beautiful and reminded me that today is a day to celebrate each of us and the efforts we have made to bring about the desires of our hearts.  

Thinking of all of you today.  You are all so wonderful.  

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Parking reserved for expectant mothers or mothers to be

Today I parked in that spot.

After all, I am a mother to be  :)  When that will be, I have no idea, but it will be.  I had to go to my hospital to pick something up real quick so I went to park in the front as opposed to employee parking.  I pulled up close to the front where I had spotted an awesome spot only to be confronted with the sign: parking reserved for expectant mothers or mothers to be.  I thought, well, this is definitely the spot for me, and pulled right in.  It was great.  

So if you see a sweet spot like that go ahead and park--the sign applies to you my fellow mothers to be.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Motherhood panel

Last night I attended an activity for the women in my church.  It was a panel on motherhood.  So there were some ladies w/ young children, older children, empty nesters, and some young single women.  I appreciated the variety of people that were on the panel and the recognition that they could all provide different perspectives.  I had know about it for awhile and was planning on going.  I figured, I will be a mother soon, and if I can get some insight now, more power to me.

Well, last week at church they passed around little slips of paper that we could ask an anonymous question on it and the panel would address it.  I was sitting with a few friends who are aware that I have dealt with infertility.  One friend has a twins and 2 other kids giving her 4 kids under the age of 6.  And that sunday her kids were having meltdowns during the service and she had to take them out multiple times.  So we laughed when the question she wrote down was: Do you have any tips on how to keep your kids quiet at church?  There was no need for her to sign her name, everyone would know it was her.

So I decided to write my question down, it was a basic one, but one that I don't have the answer to.  My question was:  How do you become a mother?  My friends and I laughed, one friend offered to draw me a diagram.  I told her that wasn't necessary, and we laughed some more.  (needless to say, I didn't turn my question in)

So on Sunday I thought I was doing pretty well considering Mother's Day was just around the corner.  But Tuesday I had a bit of a meltdown.  I was just tired of waiting.  Tired of being patient.  I has spent too long in the Mother's Day card section trying to buy a card for a mother, and then I had read a few too many of the What IF infertility blogs, and that got me spending too long in the land of What IF and When Will.  But my hubby played me a silly song on his guitar, banned me from the computer for the rest of the night, and then we danced around to music while we cleaned the house.

When it was time to go the the activity last night hubs asked me if I was sure I wanted to go and I said yes, then I thought do I?  aaah, what am I thinking??  I had been messing around in the house, and had lost track of time, so the activity had already started.  I was late, I should probably just not go.  But, then I said to myself, "you can do this, just go".   My friend w/ twins had told me she was going to be there and was on the panel, so I knew I would have someone who would be sensitive and aware of my situation.  So I went.

I'm glad I did.  I contributed thoughts and ideas, and had learned some things that I hope to put into practice some day.  I felt a twinge of pain and sadness at the end when everyone was wished a happy mother's day, but then it passed and I moved on.

Last year, I never would've thought I would be attending a mother's day discussion when I wasn't a mother.  I am proud of how far I've come.  I think last year was probably my hardest mother's day, so if you're having a hard time right now, I understand, and I am thinking of you.  I am still hoping I can hang in there through Sunday when I see all the mothers at church.  I didn't go to church last year, but I am going to try to do it this year.  Deep breath.  I can do it.

Hang in there my fellow future mothers the week is almost over.

Monday, May 3, 2010

I did it!

What did I do? Well, I actually exercised today.  I don't know why it took me 1 hr to get out the door for a 20 min run, but it did.  Getting out the door is seriously the hardest part for me.  And once I do, I wonder why I didn't want to get out.

I haven't exercised in awhile.  On vacation we actually worked out 3 or 4 times.  Even ran over the Sydney Bridge and realized what a long bridge it was :)  But once I got home, I just haven't been able to go, that is until today.