Humbled

That is how I feel right now.

I just reread some thoughts I had written a few months ago about my journey from devastation, sadness with infertility to one where I faced the unknown future with hope and peace.  As I read it, I felt humbled and I was filled with love and gratitude for God and our Savior Jesus Christ.  In some ways it felt like I had gone back in a time machine.  As I read it I felt the sadness I had felt and then the renewed hope and joy that I also felt during that trying time in my life.  It also seemed so long ago.  I almost feel like I was a different person then.  Just trying to keep my head afloat and not let the despair of childlessness drown me took a lot of effort.  It was so difficult.  I have a small knot of dread and nervousness in the pit of my stomach right now as I think about how I might fare this next time when we try to adopt another child.  I would be naive to think things would go as quickly and as well as they did this time.  But I guess I can still hope.

I will go into it as a completely different person though.  And as difficult as it might be, it really does help and bring comfort knowing that I have an amazing son that I love so very much.

Today was a great day.  I love watching my husband interact with our son.  He was such a proud papa today.  I took our little guy to meet him for lunch at a duck pond near his work.  As we pulled up to the site, my husband told our little guy, "your mom and I talked about bringing you hear a long time ago."  That is true, but I had completely forgotten about that.  It had been so long ago, back when we thought it was easy to get pregnant and have a baby.  My husband showed our son all of the ducks and it was so sweet to see him with him.  It was such a wonderful day.

So with that memory fresh in my mind and then with having read those words I wrote in the past, I couldn't help but feel filled with gratitude and humility for the wonderful son I have been blessed to have in my home.