Baby Steps

We met up again with the birth parents this weekend.  We went out to dinner and had a nice time chatting and getting to know one another a bit more.  They are really great people.  I felt good about how everything was going.  I felt at peace, excited, and joyful.

I felt those same feelings this morning on my run.

Then I started to get nervous.  Nervous that things wouldn't work out.  Nervous that our meeting hadn't gone as well as I thought.  I talked with my hubby a bit and that helped.  He reminded me, "It's out of our hands."  At this point there is nothing we can do.  If things don't work out, then they don't work out.  While I realize that, that is one of the reasons it is scary and I feel nervous.  I want to be in control.  I want to make sure everything works out.  Aaaaah.   Deep breath.

I tried to keep myself busy by cleaning and going to the grocery store.  My sister called and it was nice to be able to talk to her a bit.  Then my friend told me she was home and I could come pick up a crib and her rocking chair.  So I went and picked that up.  And now I am feeling a bit better.  I am about to head out to go to my sister in law's house to pick up some more baby stuff--car seat, pack n play, etc.

I have been so amazed at the outpouring of love and baby stuff from people when we tell them we are adopting.  I am so grateful to everyone for their help.  Our baby is going to be so loved and we will be able to tell him about everyone who was so excited about his arrival and how they helped us stuff his room full of the things we needed to take care of him.

I can do this.  It is just a few more weeks until I will be holding my little bundle of joy.

Finding Joy through Service

A few weeks ago I was asked by the ladies group at my church to be in charge of planning an activity at a children's center that serves emotionally disturbed children many of whom have been removed from their homes due to physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.   I was asked to help a group of boys ages 5-8.

I decided to plan an obstacle course.  Something to keep them busy and have fun.  It has been a lot of work, but I am getting excited about it.

Here is a list of the things they will be doing:
--hop through hula hoops
--crawl under a table without letting the hanging balloons touch them
--trace their hand or foot
--do jumping jacks to the bean bag toss
--balance a tennis ball on a spoon to the kiddie pool
--dig through the balloons in the kiddie pool filled with balloons to find a prize  (the prize is a pair of funny plastic glasses)
--do the balloon waddle to a designated area
--hackey sack balloon
--waddle with the balloon to the finish line
--then sit and pop the balloon

Then if we still have extra time we will play "clear the room" with balloons where the kids are divided up and they try to get all of the balloons of their side and onto the other kids' side before time runs out.  And then we will just mess around with the balloons until time runs out.  Because I think I bought a few too many balloons.  But I guess it is always better to have too many than too few.

I think it will be fun.

Flower from Heaven

2 years ago right before Mother’s Day (a day that strikes fear into the hearts of every infertile person, including me), I received a flower from heaven. I was just dreading the approach of this day. It had been a rough few years filled with negative infertility test result after another. I needed no reminder that I was unable to have a child and that my dream of hearing a little one call me "mom" seemed so far away.

Well, during that week before Mother's Day I drove home from work and I went to walk in the front door I spotted a rose sticking straight up out of the ground.

My hubby and I are not the greatest gardeners (not by a long shot) and for a split second I thought, "how in the world did a rose grow there? But then I took a closer look and saw that it was a single rose that someone had placed there.

I thought, "Who did this? How did this get here?" I had no idea. Then the thought came to me, “my future child had dropped it down from heaven and it had landed there for me to see.” I felt so loved and happy. It was a beautiful feeling. I went inside and asked my hubby,"did you put a rose in the yard for me?" At first he said “Yes”, but then he admitted, “No, but that would’ve been a good idea”. I told him how I thought it was from our child up in heaven and he agreed that must be who left it there.

Then a day or two later I was at the neighbor's house picking something up or dropping something off and my neighbor asked me if I had gotten the flower she left me for Mother’s Day. At first I didn’t know what she was talking about, but then I realized the flower from my yard was from her. I was a little sad to find out who had left it there, because now I knew it wasn't from my little child waiting to come down to our family, but I was also grateful that she had thought about me during this difficult time and in such a simple way had shown that she cared. And even though I know it was from her, I still like to think she was just delivering it to me from my child.

For months and now years I have meant to thank her for that kind act, but never had. Then it seemed like way too much time had passed, and she wouldn't even remember what putting the flower there if I thanked her. But this experience has stuck with me, and I felt that I needed to let her know how much I appreciated that simple act of kindness. So today I finally left a little note and gift on her doorstep thanking her for thinking of me during that time.

I am so grateful to have kind people in my life. Sometimes we don't know what the smallest act of compassion will do to help brighten and lift another's person's day.

What is something someone has done for you? And have you taken the time to thank them for it?

Never Stop Smiling

Ever since I started working out at my community gym this year I have become reacquainted with one of my neighbors who goes there.  He is so funny and always so friendly.  Everyone there knows him and he is always chatting to someone.  He always greets me with a big smile when he sees me.  

Well today when I was there he came up to me and asked, "Can you do me a favor?"  

I said, "Sure, what is it?" 

He replied, "Don't ever stop smiling.  No matter what happens to you or what people say.  Don't ever stop smiling."  

I laughed and agreed to that.

(Not to brag or anything, but all my life I have been complimented on my smile.  My hubby says I have a watermelon smile)  So my friend's comment made me smile, laugh and feel happy.

I continued on my workout and then as he was leaving he waved to me and said, "Don't forget, don't ever stop smiling."

He made my day.  He was just so funny and friendly.  And I needed that reminder.  Life has been a bit stressful of late, and regardless of what happens, I won't let it keep me from smiling and being happy. 

ICLW

Hi everyone from ICLW.  Thanks for stopping by my place yesterday.  Comments really are the "new hug".  I have also enjoyed getting out there and meeting all of you.  As much as I hate the fact that I'm infertile and wish I had lived in ignorant bliss of the pain of infertility, there are some bright spots on this journey.  And one of them is the IF community.  So thank you for making this journey more bearable.

Have a great day.

Beautiful Blogger Award Ceremony

First off I would like to thank Rebecca at: http://roadlesstraveledblog.blogspot.com/ for giving me this lovely award.  She welcomed me with open arms into this group and I am happy to call her my first friend inside the computer.  She went through IVF and had 2 beautiful embryos transferred.  She is now waiting and wishing for more good news in the upcoming days.

7 things you don't know about me:

1. I can't sing to save my life.  Can't carry a tune.  My husband can attest to that, and loves to torment me by encouraging me to sing so he can laugh at me
2. I like to sew.  I sewed a sock monkey last year and named him Stanley.  He is a great addition to the family.
3. I don't have any pets.
4. I had the chicken pox 3x as a child.  I constantly had that pink anti itching cream--calomine lotion--all over me that once my brothers convinced me to pour some on my pancakes and eat it.  It was gross.  I wouldn't recommend it.  It was definitely only meant to be used topically.
5. I want to go skydiving this year.
6. I love to read.  I recently read the Hunger Games--it is really good.
7. I live in Texas.  And we had 6 inches of snow today.  Crazy.

Now, 7 blogs that I would like to spotlight and give an award to are:

Winner of the award are supposed to tell 7 things we don't know about you, nominate 7 new blogs and send a link to them so they know they won the award. Make a copy of this award and link it to your site.

So congratulations ladies, hope you can find a spot in your trophy case for this award.

1. http://www.stirrup-queens.com/  Mel, the stirrup queen and her ability to organize these blogs and also her desire to help the ALI community is just amazing.  I am in awe of her.  She organizes LFCA, a weekly show and tell, Creme de la Creme, raises twins, writes a book, and probably half a million other things.   She does so much and I just wanted to thank her for that.

2. newwife at http://jeradandjennifer.blogspot.com/ is always leaving such encouraging comments for me.

3. http://notafertilemyrtle.blogspot.com/ I like Suzy's profile picture.  That is how I would describe her blog.  Fun, cute, and cheerful.

4. http://artofbeinginfertile.blogspot.com/   She just had a baby.  Congrats.  I like the funny pictures she puts up.  She had one of a life size pregnancy test.  It was hilarious.

5. http://infertilityrocks.wordpress.com/  Eve is going through a tough time.  She is pregnant, but recently lost one of her babies.  Her words describing her pain are so touching and describe so well how difficult it would be to miscarry.

6.  http://waitingnwishing.blogspot.com/  shared a funny joke w/ me and has become my friend.

7.  http://www.Coming2Terms.com/  You may have heard of the book: Silent Sorority written by Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos who wrote this blog.  I have enjoyed reading many of her posts.

Blanket Drive and Infertility Conversation Stopper

Ok, so a few weeks ago a friend of mine started a blanket/coat drive for some homeless downtown that sleep on the street and won't go in the shelter.  So my hubby and I decided to that we hadn't talked to our neighbors in quite some time and would like to be more social with them.  So we decided to have some treats and invite them to participate in the drive.  (I am not a big party planner person--I think this is actually the first get together with a bunch of people I have ever organized.  I am not very confident in my hosting skills)  But it went well.  I had made a Texas sheet cake and some sugar cookies and they were very tasty.  People came, it was fun to catch up and people seemed genuinely happy that we had asked them to donate their coats and blankets.

And then it happened.  One guy asked another couple that recently moved in on our cul-de-sac, "do you have kids?"  They responded "yes, and their ages are blah blah blah."  Then the guy asked us,  (we have lived in our home for 5 yrs) "Hey when are you guys having kids?"  Just because he has a mouth, does that mean he has to use it to ask that question?  Obviously we don't have any now.  And we will have them when we have them.  So I tried to side step the question.  I said things like, "don't know, maybe there are some in the dishwasher there, wanna take a look."  Then my hubby, my sweet, dear, I love him, husband, said, "We want kids, but we're infertile."

Yeah.  Thanks.  I was mortified.  And then I got to hear all the lovely suggestions as to how to obtain a lovely child, since they were obviously experts having obtained some.  Here they were again as a refresher for all of us.  Maybe we should try some of them.  Uh, thanks, but no thanks.

1. Buy a 2 seater car (that was actually a new one for me)
2. Adopt a kid.  Followed by several people chiming in that they knew several people that that had happened to before--who had adopted only to then become pregnant.
3. Buy something really expensive
4. Buy a cute outfit, and then you'll be bummed that you can't fit into it.  
5. Followed by some 30 yr old saying, "yeah, I think my elementary school teacher had that problem"

Oh it was terrible.  

I think guys just view this infertility thing differently.  It is not as emotional maybe for them.  I don't know. I know it's hard for my hubby too.  But he just deals with it differently.  I really don't have too much of a problem talking about it, but I didn't expect it to just be presented out in the open like that to our neighbors.  I am more of a one on one person, and actually quite private.  I guess not anymore now that I have a blog.

Deep breath.

I kept it together, the party broke up shortly after that.  

We got a lot of blankets and coats which was very nice and generous of my neighbors.  And they are all very nice people.  Unaware of the plight of infertile people, but very nice people nonetheless.  

Then we went to over to my friend who had spearheaded this project and had a great time talking with her.  She is so funny and that was enjoyable.  So all in all, a good day.  Ended on a good note. It was memorable, that's for sure.  

emails from old friends

It is always nice to get an email or letter from a friend. The mailbox--both physical and cyber mail box is usually filled to the brim with junk mail or bills, that sometimes you don't even bother checking it. So tonight when I received an email from an old friend it was so great. It was so nice to know that someone was thinking about me and I really appreciated it.

Kindness

Sometimes you never know what a kind act will do.

I felt like I should call a random person (a couple that recently moved to the area) this evening to make sure they knew about some crazy winter weather heading our way. The thought just popped into my head to do it, but my brain kept trying to kick it out, but the thought kept coming back. So then, I started to worry that I would feel really bad is something happened to them with the weather and I hadn't checked in on them. And then my brain started to try to tell me that now I was being completely ridiculous b/c not only did I not really know the people I was thinking of calling, but obviously, they were smart people and would be fine, and didn't reallly need my help.

So then I didn't know what to do.

So I decided to just call them, and if they thought I was stupid, then fine, that's okay, I didn't really know them anyway.

So, I called, and left a msg, sent and email, and that was that. Maybe they'll think I'm odd, but if they do, they won't be the first and certainly not the last that think that of me.

At any rate, as soon as I hung up the phone and sent the email I felt so happy and was glad I had reached out and showed concern for them.

As I reflected on this experience I realized that even if they didn't need anyone to reach out, just the fact that I did, affected me and helped me feel good about myself and helped me feel happy. Which was good, b/c as I was driving home from work today I was trying to think of what I had done today that helped me feel joy, and now I had done something.