Adios Amigos

Well, tomorrow I will be on my way to Australia.

I can hardly wait.  I have been planning this trip and all of it's details for so long and now I get to go experience it!

I'm all packed, the bills are paid, the house is as clean as it's gonna get.  And I'm outta here.

Here is a short list of things we plan to do.
1. throw a boomerang
2. feed kangaroos.
3. see a koala, (maybe hold one)
4. go hot air ballooning
5. snorkel at the great barrier reef
6. hike and see beautiful scenery
7. hang out with friends
8. eat new foods.  Vegamite sandwich? Kangaroo meat?
(I wonder if it just tastes like chicken)
9. maybe skydive???
10. learn some cool aussie lingo
11. buy some fun souvenirs
12. take some awesome pictures
13. relax and enjoy life

Pregnancy Announcements

There are many ways that a pregnancy can be announced.  And maybe the problem is that the emphasis has been on the word ANNOUNCEMENT.

Can you picture the megaphone shouting to anyone and everyone that another pregnant person has arrived?  And I don't think newly pregnant people are to be faulted for being excited about their pregnancy, but when you're infertile, everyone besides you is running around getting pregnant.  And these announcements can be so difficult to receive.

I used to imagine how I would ANNOUNCE my pregnancy, but now that I am not anticipating a pregnancy to occur in this century, sometimes one person's happiness over a pregnancy announcement can bring pain and sadness to my heart.  You want to be happy for the person, but sometimes it is so hard.

This weekend I really appreciated how one of my dear friends told me about her pregnancy.  We were just chatting and catching up b/c we hadn't talked in awhile.  And she moved across town, so I hadn't seen her in awhile and we were plotting how we would meet up again.  And then, I don't remember exactly how she worded her "pregnancy announcement", but I remember feeling of her compassion and love for me and my situation.  She told me she realized this was a difficult topic for me and she was unsure of how to tell me, but she was pregnant again.

Her acknowledgment of how painful it could be for me to hear a pregnancy announcement was so kind.  And that acknowledgment made it so I could internally say "yes", but this is not about me, and I want to be happy for you and not sad for me.  I felt nothing but love and joy for her.  I am excited for her and was happy that I could be heartfelt and genuine in my congratulations for her.

The Sun'll Come out Tomorrow...

I felt like little orphan Annie when I woke up.
It is amazing what a good night's sleep can do to your outlook on life.
I was feeling better about things, and wasn't going to let last night's sadness affect today.

Bathing Suit Shopping...Take 2

I was pretty down in the dumps about my inability to find a decent bathing suit, because I really wanted to feel good about myself while hanging out at the beach.

Your comments helped me so much.  And I thought, there's got to be something out there for me to wear.  I  googled where the best place to buy bathing suits, and then the type of bathing suit you should wear with a muffin top and I got some good suggestions.

It also said to find something you will feel good about yourself in.

So I decided to be brave and try one more time.  I headed to Old Navy and found a black tankini--it's cute, I think I look pretty good in it,  so unless they had trick mirrors up in the dressing room, hopefully that will do the trick.

I am feeling much better about hanging out at the beach and can't wait to go on vacation!

Bathing Suit Shopping...

SULKS BIG TIME.

And bathing suit wearing  SULKS even more.

Who came up with the idea of that it would be a good idea to wear skin tight outfits out in the sun?  I went bathing suit shopping today b/c my other suits are so old.  It was so depressing.  Being sick did not help me lose enough weight.  And I didn't work out when I was sick, and to see my muffin top in that bathing suit was so disheartening.  I should've gone bathing suit shopping months ago to inspire me to work out a little harder.

Oh well.

I'm just glad it is also fashionable to wear board shorts and T-shirts at the beach.  Because that's what I'll be wearing.

I lost a week and a half of my life

Being sick is the pits.  I am still not fully recovered, but good enough that I can function pretty well.  I am so tired of coughing and blowing my nose.  I am so sick of cough drops.  Oh, well, as long as I am well before my trip that's all that matters.  I felt like I was in quarantine.  I felt like I had to stay in one place or I would contaminate the whole house and then get my hubby sick too.

Some good things did come out of it though--this is what I learned

1. Don't let sick twins cough and sneeze in your face.  They carry some pretty nasty germs.  And figure out which of the identical twins is sick.  If you can't tell, just avoid them both.
2. My hubby is so sweet to me.  He took very good care of me. (but I already knew that)
3. Get Kleenex w/ lotion in it.  It will save your nose.  My nose bleeds when it get really dry.  So that was not fun.
4. Be patient, drink lots of juice, and get some good medicine.
5. I lost a little bit of weight.  So at least that was a good thing. I just hope I don't gain it all back once i start eating again. 

Under the Weather

I enjoyed Mel the Stirrup Queen's post on nose blowing today.  You will have to read it.  I have been blowing my nose and coughing up crud all week, that her analogy hit home.  It is okay for us to constantly regurgitate the same thoughts and feelings because like crud in our lungs we have to get it out somehow.  And for me, I can get it out here.  And you fine folks read it and write encouraging words to let me know that someday I'll feel better and that it's okay and normal to feel the way I do.  How often do we have the sniffles or feel under the weather?  Quite often.

Not to get political or anything (I'm an independent and not a fan of Nancy Pelosi), but prior to the healthcare reform vote Nancy Pelosi said that "being a woman would no longer be a preexisting condition".  Frankly I never knew it was, and I resent that she said it was.  I still don't really understand what she meant by that.  I thought women usually live longer than men.  And we know that men are total babies when they are sick.

A quote that my hubby is famous in his family for quoting when they get together is:  "Attitudes are contagious.  Is yours worth catching?"  And then the caveat, "Be careful what you catch". His family always groans when he shares this, but it's true.  So, while I don't want anyone to catch the cold I currently have, I do hope that while I'm running around chasing my dream of having a child I can have an attitude that's worth catching.  And on the days I don't, I can turn to so many of you to help nurse me back to full strength.

The Waiting Game

Whenever I am feeling low about infertility it seems like the words to Tom Petty’s song, “the waiting is the hardest part” come to mind.  And I am bitterly reminded that infertility is the ultimate waiting game. 

I have tried to think of other things I hate to wait for, but they pale in comparison to the wait I have experienced with Infertility.

Waiting for the bus can be pure torture in a non-mass transit friendly city.

Waiting in a doctor’s office, equally grueling.

But waiting for grass to grow doesn’t seem hard. 

Neither does waiting for toast to pop or water to boil. 

With the perspective that infertility has given me, I realize I did not fully understand the definition of the word: WAIT

In terms of infertility, I have waited and wished and waited some more. 

Infertility brings:
The 2ww

Waiting for a positive pregnancy test.

Waiting to hear a heartbeat

Waiting to have your own bump to show off

Waiting to leave the doctor’s office rejoicing rather than crying.

Waiting for you to remember what you were like pre-hormones.

Waiting for you and your husband to be on the same wavelength.

Waiting for people to think before they speak. 

Waiting for birth parents to choose your profile. 

Waiting to know what path to take in your journey. 

Waiting for the child that just won’t come. 

Waiting for the pain to subside. 

They say good things come to those who wait, so I will continue to wait, and work, and hope and pray, for those good things that are sure to come my way.  

Infertility and Loss in Books and Movies

I love to read.  I wish I would take more time out of my life to read, but sometimes it is hard to do.  Because I do not yet have the willpower to put down a book once I get into it.  So I end up not picking the book up in the first place.  But yesterday, I was tired of cleaning the house and I was still feeling a little sick, so I decided to sit outside in the sun and read.  I read the book Sarah's Key, it was very good.  But it seems like this last year that many stories that I read or watch have one of the characters dealing with infertility or loss.

Sarah's Key weaves 2 stories into 1.  One deals with Sarah a ten yr old Jewish girl and takes place in Paris, July 1942, and the other takes place 60 yrs later in the same place as an journalist Julia Jarmond researches what occurred there.   It is interesting to see how Sarah deals with life and loss through her life.  It reminded me that all of us have so many difficulties and trials in life and that they can make or break us depending on how we deal with them.  Then, (not to spoil the story), but Julia has to deal with her past miscarriages and decide what to do when faced with a failing marriage and unexpected pregnancy.

I remember after our last IVF cycle produced a chemical pregnancy I was so sad and devastated.  Whenever I get bad news, the last thing you want to do it go out and about and interact with people.  So we decided to watch the movie Marley and Me.  We thought that would be light hearted and fun.  Well, unfortunately, I was not aware that the reason the couple got the dog Marley was because they were dealing with infertility issues and had a miscarriage.  I remember the huge tears that were rolling out of my eyes when the doctor tried to find the baby's heartbeat.  The exact thing had happened to me just a few hours earlier.  It was terrible. And then of course she got pregnant in Ireland and named her first child Patrick.  How appropriate that St. Patty's day just came and went.  Anyhow, so watching that movie that night was not good timing at all.  But luckily their dog Marley came on the scene and I was able to finish watching the movie.

Here are other movies I have seen that dealt with infertility:

• Julie and Julia.  (Julia Childs was infertile.  I had no idea) It didn't go into detail, just occasionally showed her sad that she couldn't have kids.  I also saw this shortly after the sad results of my IVF. So much for going to a movie to forget your troubles for awhile.  And then I felt lost and confused like the Julie who starts blogging.  (Maybe that's what spurred me on to try my hand at blogging--so maybe it was good I saw the movie after all.  Just wish I had waited a few more weeks to see it)
• UP.  Who knew that a Disney/Pixar movie would have an aninmated couple that had a misscarriage.  It was sad, but poignant.  They were such a cute couple, and when I saw their interactions I hoped that if childlessness was my lot in life, that my marriage could be like theirs.  Pathetic, I know, hoping to pattern my life after that of an animated character.  

Are there any other movies/books that deal with adoption/infertility/loss that one wouldn't know about by seeing the preview or reading the back of the book?

Anyone else had any experiences when seeing/reading ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) movies or books?  

Wacky Wednesday

Sometimes when I am in the middle of the week it seems that I turn to youtube for some humor.  Today was no different.  I was watching this hilarious informercial for the Hawaii chair.  You probably think I'm a sucker for the HSN (home shopping network). I have never bought anything on TV, but they do make their stuff look tempting.  I think this chair would really be a great addition to my workout routine.  Check out the Hawaii Chair by clicking here.

I can just picture myself wearing my Snuggie and sitting in the chair.  Unfortunately, my one picture of me in the snuggie is missing, and then my Snuggie got a big hole in it and I returned it to Costco.  If I find the picture I will post it.

And one of these days I will take a picture of my new and improved closets thanks to my helpful speedskating closet organizer

What did I do today?

It seems like I didn't do much today, but as I sat here I realized that I did accomplish a few things:

• I washed and dried a million towels and blankets today. 
• I watched the Amazing Race and Undercover Boss.  I love those shows. 
• I got 2 high chairs and a pack and play out of my house.  
• I vacuumed my carpet and cleaned my garage.  
• My lunch is packed for work tomorrow.  
• I got out of my PJs at 6 pm, and now I am ready to get back in them
• I have all of my hotels and car rentals booked for Australia and NZ.  We will be on the North Island of NZ (between Aukland & Rotorua) and then will be going to the Great Barrier Reef (Trinity Beach), and then Sydney.  So if anyone has any insight into good excursions or sights to see let me know.     

Not bad at all I suppose. Better than nothing

Family Fun

Well, everyone is gone, and I have the house to myself.  If I didn't sound like a smoker when I talked or constantly cough up green stuff among other symptoms, I might be able to enjoy my quiet home.

Everyone helped me clean up before they left so I am appreciating that today since I didn't have the energy to do anything.

It was fun to have everyone.  We had some good laughs.  It was fun to see the babies.  Twins are a lot of work.  Yikes.  I also had a newfound appreciation for my mom and the fact that she cooked and cleaned up after her 7 kids on a daily basis.  I was wiped out after a weekend.  I was proud of my meals though.  I worked hard to be a good host and I think the food turned out good and everyone had a good time.  One night we even ate outside on our patio.

I love the SPRING!

I'm in the Finals

I made it to the final round of the Limerick Chick Voting.  I really thought I was out.  That is so exciting.  Vote for JRS #4 by clicking here.

I have been a little busy.  We have family over and they don't know about my blog, so that has been a challenge to sneak away and blog.  But things are going well.  We have twin 9 mo. old nephews visiting our non baby proof house as well.

So have a few more things to add to my list of things to be grateful for:

1. I don't need to wipe up drool and snot all day long
2. I don't need to listen to incessant musical toys all the live long day
3. I get as much uninterrupted sleep as I like.

Hope you vote for me!
Have a great weekend.

Thankful Thursday

I am trying to count the things I have instead of what I don't in my effort to find joy.  So here goes:

1.  Friends both fertile and infertile who understand the pain of infertility.  Here is a link to a beautiful video called tears and hope.  It captures so well the pain and sorrow of infertility. I was reminded of this video from my friend Rebecca who I have met on my journey. 

2. A wonderful husband who held me as I cried.

3. Scriptures.  This is my favorite scripture this week.  Isaiah 55: 8-13  

  8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

  9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

  10 For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:

  11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing hereto I sent it.

  12 For ye shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

  13 Instead of the thorn shall come up the fir tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree: and it shall be to the Lord for a name, for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.

SCRAM!

Today I was really wishing I had the ability to get pregnant so I could have a little family.  And since I don't, and my dream of having a family seems so far out of reach and unattainable I was a bit down in the dumps.  It is no fun to feel sorry for yourself, but sometimes that's just how it goes.   I had a good cry, took a long hot shower, and ate a delicious dinner.  So that helped.

Sometimes I feel like Oscar the Grouch.  I just want to hunker down in my trash can and yell scram! at everyone and everything. 

Good News Minute

At church there are various classes that I attend.  One of the classes is called Relief Society and it is just with the ladies.  Before class starts we hear announcements of any upcoming activities and then the lady conducting always asks if anyone has anything to share for the "good news minute".

Of course there are always pregnancy announcements, but there are also people telling that they ran 1/2 marathons, or are graduating from college, etc. Well a few weeks ago after my big baby shower gift shopping spree one of my neighbors that goes to my church came over.  I was showing her my purchases and we were chatting, and she knows I'm infertile and stuff.  So she was telling me how she had just turned 40 and had been freaking out because she hadn't had her period for 2 months.  She said she had just gone to the doctor to get a pregnancy test and was so relieved that it was negative.  It was hilarious.  I thought how she is thrilled she isn't pregnant and I am devastated that I'm not.  It just depends on our stage of life how we react to our period and to pregnancy test results.  I still told her that if she ended up getting pregnant I was prepared with a shower gift for her.  :)

That led us to start joking about the "good news minute" in Relief Society and how it would be a bad news minute if she had to share her pregnancy news.  (We currently have at least 7 ladies that are pregnant at church).  We were laughing our heads off.  Then she said, "Ok,  on Sunday I'll announce that my good news minute is that I turned 40.  And then you can say, And more good news is that she's not pregnant."  It was great to think about it.  But we never did it.  She never announced her news, so I couldn't follow up with my part of the plan.

But this week during the "good news minute" one of my friends announced, "I'm pregnant."  To which my neighbor chimed in, "And I'm not!"  It was too funny.  All of the ladies were confused.  The room was buzzing with, "Who's pregnant now? and What did she say?"  It was awesome.

So, here is my good news minute:  I'm going to Australia & New Zealand in less than a month!  I am so stinking excited.  I love to travel.  I can hardly wait to hold a koala bear or jump into a kangaroo's pouch.

What's your good news minute?

Never Stop Smiling

Ever since I started working out at my community gym this year I have become reacquainted with one of my neighbors who goes there.  He is so funny and always so friendly.  Everyone there knows him and he is always chatting to someone.  He always greets me with a big smile when he sees me.  

Well today when I was there he came up to me and asked, "Can you do me a favor?"  

I said, "Sure, what is it?" 

He replied, "Don't ever stop smiling.  No matter what happens to you or what people say.  Don't ever stop smiling."  

I laughed and agreed to that.

(Not to brag or anything, but all my life I have been complimented on my smile.  My hubby says I have a watermelon smile)  So my friend's comment made me smile, laugh and feel happy.

I continued on my workout and then as he was leaving he waved to me and said, "Don't forget, don't ever stop smiling."

He made my day.  He was just so funny and friendly.  And I needed that reminder.  Life has been a bit stressful of late, and regardless of what happens, I won't let it keep me from smiling and being happy. 

The closet organizer

I am in the process of reorganizing 2 closets of our house in preparation for visitors coming in next week.  The closets in our house are very tiny and so this helpful and hilarious closet organizer has been great to have.  Here is the closet organizer informercial on youtube for your viewing pleasure.  It was on SNL this weekend.

P.S. Don't forget to vote for your favorite limerick.  Hopefully it's mine-- JRS #7

I better go check on my closet organizer and make sure he's not out speedskating.

Check out show and tell to see what everyone else is showing.

Having Fun, Finding Joy

I have the day off today and it is glorious.  I decided today I was going to have some fun on my day off.  I got some sleep, woke up, poked around the internet, and then remembered that I had a declared war on my muffin top and that I better get out and exercise.  I was glad I did.

The weather outside was great, so I decided to go on a bike ride.  As I rode my bike I felt like a little kid.  I was listening to some of my favorite tunes: I'm Yours by Jason Miraz and Viva la Vida by Coldplay.   I felt the wind on my face, I was smiling, and singing at the top of my lungs.  I was riding  with no hands and waving at cars.  It was ridiculous, but I felt so free and full of life.

This is a old picture pre-muffin top, but it shows how I felt today. 

I read this post this morning by my new favorite and talented blogger at http://funininfertility.blogspot.com/.  She reminded me to find 

beauty in the "in between" stage of life.  So I did just that.

Don't forget to vote for me (JRS #7) in the Limerick Contest.  See the button on the side bar to get over there.
Click on this link for my limerick
and this is the voting booth link

Limerick Chick Contest

I entered a limerick contest, here is my masterpiece:

No I'm not pregnant just fat
Would love to have a child named Matt
I hope stirrup socks
don't bring her hard knocks
or else she might adopt a childlike cat

How the contest works:

The person with the most votes will win

And while we're not kin

If you vote for me

So happy I'll be

And we'll all celebrate by drinking some gin 

Apparently the whole list will be divided into thirds and I'm in the first group. Start voting for me today through Friday! The three finalists will compete in the days before St Patrick's Day.  Wish me luck!

Voting starts March 2nd-March 16th!
Click this link to vote for me. JRS limerick #7

Let the Games Begin!