Last night I attended an activity for the women in my church. It was a panel on motherhood. So there were some ladies w/ young children, older children, empty nesters, and some young single women. I appreciated the variety of people that were on the panel and the recognition that they could all provide different perspectives. I had know about it for awhile and was planning on going. I figured, I will be a mother soon, and if I can get some insight now, more power to me.
Well, last week at church they passed around little slips of paper that we could ask an anonymous question on it and the panel would address it. I was sitting with a few friends who are aware that I have dealt with infertility. One friend has a twins and 2 other kids giving her 4 kids under the age of 6. And that sunday her kids were having meltdowns during the service and she had to take them out multiple times. So we laughed when the question she wrote down was: Do you have any tips on how to keep your kids quiet at church? There was no need for her to sign her name, everyone would know it was her.
So I decided to write my question down, it was a basic one, but one that I don't have the answer to. My question was: How do you become a mother? My friends and I laughed, one friend offered to draw me a diagram. I told her that wasn't necessary, and we laughed some more. (needless to say, I didn't turn my question in)
So on Sunday I thought I was doing pretty well considering Mother's Day was just around the corner. But Tuesday I had a bit of a meltdown. I was just tired of waiting. Tired of being patient. I has spent too long in the Mother's Day card section trying to buy a card for a mother, and then I had read a few too many of the What IF infertility blogs, and that got me spending too long in the land of What IF and When Will. But my hubby played me a silly song on his guitar, banned me from the computer for the rest of the night, and then we danced around to music while we cleaned the house.
When it was time to go the the activity last night hubs asked me if I was sure I wanted to go and I said yes, then I thought do I? aaah, what am I thinking?? I had been messing around in the house, and had lost track of time, so the activity had already started. I was late, I should probably just not go. But, then I said to myself, "you can do this, just go". My friend w/ twins had told me she was going to be there and was on the panel, so I knew I would have someone who would be sensitive and aware of my situation. So I went.
I'm glad I did. I contributed thoughts and ideas, and had learned some things that I hope to put into practice some day. I felt a twinge of pain and sadness at the end when everyone was wished a happy mother's day, but then it passed and I moved on.
Last year, I never would've thought I would be attending a mother's day discussion when I wasn't a mother. I am proud of how far I've come. I think last year was probably my hardest mother's day, so if you're having a hard time right now, I understand, and I am thinking of you. I am still hoping I can hang in there through Sunday when I see all the mothers at church. I didn't go to church last year, but I am going to try to do it this year. Deep breath. I can do it.
Hang in there my fellow future mothers the week is almost over.