Friday, June 4, 2010

Everyone Else But Me

These last few days I have been feeling like everyone else but me is either pregnant or spending time with their beautiful children. Facebook is exploding with baby announcements, ultrasound images, and smiling children. And then, out in real life away from cyberspace, it isn't any better. I can hardly turn around without running into a pregnant person who is having a baby shower every other Saturday. And then there's me. Lonesome, un-pregnant, childless me. I feel so far away from having a child. And that cruel fact has really gotten me down.

I try to be happy for the people that are pregnant, but it is just so hard right now. Maybe because both of my sisters are pregnant. I don't know why, but sometimes it hits closer to home and hurts more when family members are expecting. I'm happy for them, but they have no idea how much it hurts to be infertile, and maybe that is why I am struggling right now. How do you tell someone who is so thrilled and excited with life and the new life growing inside of them how much you are aching inside without them taking it personally and then hating you for bringing them down? I don't know, so therefore I don't say anything and hope the moment of sadness passes soon.

I am dreading going to help my sister this next week not because I don't want to, but because I am afraid I will be a downer and will end up ruining this happy moment for her. I don't know why I thought I would be okay helping her. I guess I thought, "I take care of babies all day at work and it's no problem", but now I am really concerned about my ability to do this.

Oh well, I just keep trying to think about something else and I try to keep myself busy. But I fear I am failing miserably. I just hope and pray I start feeling better soon.


  1. I'm sure you'll be a great help to your sister. But how can this not be a downer? And surely she understands that?

    I keep volunteering to do things, too, and then wondering why I ever thought I was functional enough to do so. I think we both deserve some serious blessings just for wanting to do good.

    Don't know what to do about being a "downer" to others. Fake it 'til you make it? Be honest and help educate others? I feel like I'm a huge downer, too. I was so mad the other week at church when a speaker advised the congregation to "surround yourself with happy people". What about "mourn with those who mourn"? It's like everyone was advised to avoid me.

    At least here you don't have to pretend anything. ((Hugs))

  2. I am here through the blog roundup and I have to say I'm really impressed with you being able to articulate all of that...I am sure you must have blinked back some tears writing it.

    When I was in the midst of the IF (for 4 yrs) I was a beast to live with. I knew my sister might O on her honeymoon and I was a terrible bridesmaid for that wedding..never telling her why..but being mopey and horrible. I was no fun at christmas, easter, 4th of July..I wasn't Kirsten (or so everyone tells me now) I'm still not. It took parts of me I'll never get back.

    I know you will be good to your sister, no matter what. Just like I ended giving a moving and loving toast to my sister at that wedding, even as AF showed up that morning and we had done an IUI/Clomid cycle. It just seemed like the timing couldn't be worse.

    Yet, I am of the school that when people LOVE you and know what you are going through forgiveness comes even in the silence and space they give you.

    I am just sad that you are feeling all of this right now...and I just wanted to tell you that You're not alone in feeling it.


  3. Popped over from Mel's Roundup.

    I think you're hitting the nail on the head there. It's an impossible thing for both parties.
    If you try to explain you're going to feel like a downer.
    The other person can understand that it's hard for you, but there's nothing they can do to make it better.
    A no-win situation.

    That's why it's good to let it all out here.

  4. I am so sorry that you are hurting....

  5. Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I have been (and dip back into) where you are and know the anguish you are feeling. I wish I knew the magic way to make it go away. I wish I had better words to offer. Sending you love, peace, and inner reserves of strength.

  6. Hello,
    I found this blog through IComLeavWe. I love this post. I love it because you said all of the things that I can never say. Well, I mean, I can say them, but never like how you said it. I feel ya. I have 3 pregnant sister in laws. So now all eyes are on me. I'm excited for them, but my heart hurts in anticipation for what I can't have. Hang in there!