Thursday, October 28, 2010

A few addendums to the previous post

Some who have read my previous post about infertility and baby loss have gotten the wrong idea.  I no longer feel the pain or loss that can come with infertility.  This was resolved awhile ago.  My pain was no longer my inability to get pregnant and give birth to my child, my pain was not being able to have children come into my home who would consider me and call me their mom.  I realize that we are all in different places in our journey through infertility and growing our families.

Sure, it would be great to wake up and be pregnant, but I don't expect it, and don't feel sad that it doesn't happen.  I have embraced this new way of growing my family.  Will I pursue more infertility treatments in the future?  Who knows?  You never want to rule anything out in this game, but at this point, I have had my fill of the RE, stirrups, hormones, BFN, etc.

It is also important to note that adopting or having a child does not cure infertility.  Sometimes it still takes time to come to terms with the emotional and psychological pain infertility has caused.  And it is important to come to terms with it.  Thankfully, I feel that I have.  Writing in this blog, learning of your stories, and focusing on finding joy on a daily basis are just some of the ways that helped me to be able to do that.

But I don't feel like my body is broken.  No one has the ideal body.

Also, no one has the ideal family.  Realizing this helped me deal with and come to terms with the fact that my family size wasn't what I wanted it to be.

My ultimate goal has always been to be a mom and to have children in my home calling me mom.  It took time to come to this realization.  I had to come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be pregnant or that I wouldn't hear my baby's heartbeat or find out his or her sex via an ultrasound at the doctor's office.  And I have embraced the perks that come with not being pregnant or going through labor.  I am thrilled that we were able to grow our family through adoption and I look forward to adopting more children.

And as far as people telling me how brave I was to go on FB...Yes, it was difficult to put myself out there.   And I still wonder if maybe I should delete it.  We'll see.  Not because what I feel has changed, but that maybe the people that read it there will also get the wrong idea about my feelings on infertility and our adoption.

And if I didn't have my little guy with me, I am pretty sure I would not have said anything unless I had already been brave enough to use the outlet of FB to get the word out that we were hoping to adopt.  There are a lot of insensitive people who say stupid things.  And whether or not you want every person you know on FB to know about such a tender and difficult trial you are experiencing is up to you.  We all know how difficult this journey is.  Sure, it would be easier if we all talked about it.  And it sure would be much easier if the general public knew how to better talk about pain, infertility and infant loss.

I just take one day at a time, one step at a time.


  1. Thank you for this addendum. You wrote it with such clarity and lucidity. I feel like I understand where you come from so much better after reading this post. Thank you for sharing who you truly are with us.

    Reading this post did make me regret my use of the work 'resolve' in my comment to the last post. Of course your infertility isn't resolved. What an insensitive thing for me to say. I apologize for it and hope you can forgive me. I think I meant it as the issue of childlessness is resolved with adoption, but infertility sure isn't. I should have made that more clear.

    Enjoy the absence of childlessness. Pretty soon, you will hear the word mama directed right at you.

  2. i think you did a great job explaining what we all feel going through IF. and you're right, at least for me, infertility will always be a part of who i am. we were told at our pre-adoption class that infertility rears its ugly head again when your adoptive children get pregnant.
    i am so so happy right now with where we are, but there is always residual pain from the years of sadness and longing.

  3. Hi Mrs. Joy :)I have been following your sweet story, and feel blessed to have a glimpse in to your life. My husband feels like he is being prompted to adopt, so we are heading that way, but I am still struggling with the thought of not being pregnant, and actually giving birth to my baby. You said you had come to terms w/ it, was there something that helped you move past that feeling? I would really appreciate any advise, you are certianly a great example! Thanks!!! ~Haley

  4. As an adoptive mom, I can truly tell you that, I could not love my little guy anymore. It's simply not possible. You really do not need to give birth to create a beautiful loving family.

  5. I'm a dolt, you've adopted already. Congratulations! I'm sure you will agree with me. What a cutie pie.

  6. I'm really HAPPY to read these words. You're right that we're all on different phases in our IF journeys. I've also felt that most days I've embraced this childless state, though there's still a little glimmer of hope yet, but 'coz we're not actively TTC anymore or pursuing any adoption, we're not really "in the battle zone" anymore so to speak.

  7. I just love reading what you have to say. Love this post!