Success!

I am home.

The internet and computer access was a little spotty where I was and I didn't want my family to know about my blog, so I couldn't write.  Besides the fact that I was busy watching a toddler and a newborn, and cooking and cleaning a bit to help my sister, so that didn't give me too much free time.  But I am home now, and I appreciated all of your comments and words of encouragement.

I realized I can do this.  Someday I will be a great mother.  I was able to juggle nap times, feedings, diaper changes (without gloves--yikes), mild meltdowns, play time, cooking and cleaning.  Granted I wasn't as sleep deprived or hormonal as I might be if I had been the one who gave birth, and I wasn't doing it alone, but I realized that I when that day comes, I just might be a pretty good mom.

And that was something to smile and cheer about.

Feeling Better

It is amazing what:

• a good cry
• a good hug
• an husband's listening ear
• a bit of sleep
• and a kind blogger comment

can do for you. I made it to bed last night. My sweet husband tucked me in, sang me little orphan Annie's song: "The sun'll come out tomorrow", and thankfully, I feel asleep.

When I woke up this morning, I felt better. And I remembered a phrase from a talk I liked so I went to the computer to read it this morning before heading off to work. This talk was given in 1996, but I have always remembered this analogy for dealing with adversity. But I was sure surprised to see that the title of this talk was: Finding Joy in Life: Here's the Link: LDS.org - Ensign Article - Finding Joy in Life

I liked this part: "sadness, disappointment, and severe challenge are events in life, not life itself. I do not minimize how hard some of these events are. They can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining center of everything you do. The Lord inspired Lehi to declare the fundamental truth, “Men are, that they might have joy.” 1 That is a conditional statement: “they might have joy.” It is not conditional for the Lord. His intent is that each of us finds joy. It will not be conditional for you as you obey the commandments, have faith in the Master, and do the things that are necessary to have joy here on earth."

And then this was the part I remembered this morning when I woke up: A pebble held close to the eye appears to be a gigantic obstacle. Cast on the ground, it is seen in perspective. Likewise, problems or trials in our lives need to be viewed in the perspective of scriptural doctrine. Otherwise they can easily overtake our vision, absorb our energy, and deprive us of the joy and beauty the Lord intends us to receive here on earth. Some people are like rocks thrown into a sea of problems. They are drowned by them. Be a cork. When submerged in a problem, fight to be free to bob up to serve again with happiness.

I had remembered the part about the "pebble", but I had forgotten the "cork" portion. When I woke up and had a new perspective I realized that I will be fine going to my sisters. I just needed to stop focusing on the difficult facet of the trip and remember all the great things that would happen--I"ll see my brother, some nephews and nieces, and see my in-laws, it will be great. How could I have forgotten all that? It was because I let this stinky infertile fact block my vision and perspective.

The rest of the talk is great, but I gotta go. I hope I can remember to keep the "pebble of infertility" on the ground in perspective, and be a "cork" the keeps coming up and finding happiness.

Everyone Else But Me

These last few days I have been feeling like everyone else but me is either pregnant or spending time with their beautiful children. Facebook is exploding with baby announcements, ultrasound images, and smiling children. And then, out in real life away from cyberspace, it isn't any better. I can hardly turn around without running into a pregnant person who is having a baby shower every other Saturday. And then there's me. Lonesome, un-pregnant, childless me. I feel so far away from having a child. And that cruel fact has really gotten me down.

I try to be happy for the people that are pregnant, but it is just so hard right now. Maybe because both of my sisters are pregnant. I don't know why, but sometimes it hits closer to home and hurts more when family members are expecting. I'm happy for them, but they have no idea how much it hurts to be infertile, and maybe that is why I am struggling right now. How do you tell someone who is so thrilled and excited with life and the new life growing inside of them how much you are aching inside without them taking it personally and then hating you for bringing them down? I don't know, so therefore I don't say anything and hope the moment of sadness passes soon.

I am dreading going to help my sister this next week not because I don't want to, but because I am afraid I will be a downer and will end up ruining this happy moment for her. I don't know why I thought I would be okay helping her. I guess I thought, "I take care of babies all day at work and it's no problem", but now I am really concerned about my ability to do this.

Oh well, I just keep trying to think about something else and I try to keep myself busy. But I fear I am failing miserably. I just hope and pray I start feeling better soon.

Flower from Heaven

2 years ago right before Mother’s Day (a day that strikes fear into the hearts of every infertile person, including me), I received a flower from heaven. I was just dreading the approach of this day. It had been a rough few years filled with negative infertility test result after another. I needed no reminder that I was unable to have a child and that my dream of hearing a little one call me "mom" seemed so far away.

Well, during that week before Mother's Day I drove home from work and I went to walk in the front door I spotted a rose sticking straight up out of the ground.

My hubby and I are not the greatest gardeners (not by a long shot) and for a split second I thought, "how in the world did a rose grow there? But then I took a closer look and saw that it was a single rose that someone had placed there.

I thought, "Who did this? How did this get here?" I had no idea. Then the thought came to me, “my future child had dropped it down from heaven and it had landed there for me to see.” I felt so loved and happy. It was a beautiful feeling. I went inside and asked my hubby,"did you put a rose in the yard for me?" At first he said “Yes”, but then he admitted, “No, but that would’ve been a good idea”. I told him how I thought it was from our child up in heaven and he agreed that must be who left it there.

Then a day or two later I was at the neighbor's house picking something up or dropping something off and my neighbor asked me if I had gotten the flower she left me for Mother’s Day. At first I didn’t know what she was talking about, but then I realized the flower from my yard was from her. I was a little sad to find out who had left it there, because now I knew it wasn't from my little child waiting to come down to our family, but I was also grateful that she had thought about me during this difficult time and in such a simple way had shown that she cared. And even though I know it was from her, I still like to think she was just delivering it to me from my child.

For months and now years I have meant to thank her for that kind act, but never had. Then it seemed like way too much time had passed, and she wouldn't even remember what putting the flower there if I thanked her. But this experience has stuck with me, and I felt that I needed to let her know how much I appreciated that simple act of kindness. So today I finally left a little note and gift on her doorstep thanking her for thinking of me during that time.

I am so grateful to have kind people in my life. Sometimes we don't know what the smallest act of compassion will do to help brighten and lift another's person's day.

What is something someone has done for you? And have you taken the time to thank them for it?

Back in the Stirrups

But just for one day. Phew. I had a flashback to my days of hanging out in doctor's offices and being uncovered from the waist down, and putting my legs up in stirrups.

I know I said I would never have a pap smear again, and I almost got out of it today, but I succumbed to the pressure of the medical community and had one. I went in for a physical today, hadn't had one in years. I called up a doctor my friend had recommended and was told that I could come in this afternoon if I liked. "Sure, why not" I thought. Then the receptionist said that if I wanted a pap smear with my physical I would have to come in another day. I told her, I would just have the physical today, and I was fine not having a pap smear. Well, when I got to the doctor's office the receptionist asked me if I was having a pap smear. I said, "no". Then as I was filling at forms I thought, maybe I should, my insurance only covers a physical once a year, so this was my only chance to get it. Then the nurse asked me if I was getting a pap smear, I told her no, and that I was told they couldn't do it today. She was surprised, and went to see if there was time for it. Well, what do you know, there was time, and I had one done.

While I was there I of course had to give my medical history to the doctor and explain the pelvic surgery I had for my unicornuate uterus. I told her I had infertility treatments and she asked which ones. Then she asked if I had ever tried clomid and glucophage. I hadn't. I asked why would you use glucophage, and she replied that she had heard it was a good combination. Who knows. Maybe that is just as effective as driving a 2-seater or eating pomegranetes. I don't know, and right now I am not going to research it, but just in case someone else hasn't heard of using clomid and glucophage, maybe you will want to look into it.

She asked me if I had been to any infertility specialists and I rattled off a few names. Then she started asking me if I had sisters and then if my sisters had kids, and that was when I tired of the infertility questions. All I wanted was to get my legs back down on solid ground and be on my merry way.

I survived the pap smear, I endured the family practice doctor asking me silly infertility questions, and I got my feet out of those stirrups as back in my flip flops where they belonged.

This Lovely Life

This weekend I read the book:  This lovely life: a memoir of premature motherhood.   It opened my eyes to the suffering and grief that can surround families with premature and severely disabled children.  The book also showed how the mother came to love and care for her premature twins conceived after years of fertility treatments while finding forgiveness and embracing her "lovely life".  Born at 24 wks gestation, one twin died just a few days after birth, while the other lived almost 8 yrs with severe disabilities.  This book taught me more about how devastating and life changing the loss of a child, and caring for a child with disabilities can be.  It also taught me how we can rise above these challenges and accept them.

In the book she included this poem written by her friend's grandmother.  The author's friend also had a disabled daughter and they had met during their time in the NICU together.

Ah, lovely life

Come stay yet a while with me

I am a beggar for your errant charms,

although I know your sorrows many be

I try to hold you prisoner in my arms

I'll ever dread to see you go away

Yet you are fickle as the 

restless sea

Your trials are heavy 

let come what may

The thrill of you is ever there

for me. 

Through this book I was reminded that while I don't have a perfect life, I have a lovely one.  This weekend was hard for me emotionally.  I have no idea why, maybe I was hormonal, maybe I was wasn't.  I was just tired of still not having kids.  But kids or no kids, I do have a lovely life and I will make more of an effort to remember that and enjoy the loveliness that it contains.    

Infertility ABCs

I got this idea from blogger sweet pea to list things from A to Z about ourselves.  Well, I first decided to do an infertility ABC and then later on in the week I will do one with stuff other than infertility.

A:  Everyone’s got advice for infertiles

B:  BFN.  Again.  Aaargh!  I am so sick of that result

C:  I don’t want a cat, I want a child

D: Infertility is a Disease

E:  Eggs.  All I need is one good egg and one little sperm

F:  I wish I was fertile

G:  I want a girl

H:  I hate being hopped up on hormones

I:  IVF--I’ve done it twice  

J:  Just relax.  Sure, no problem

K:  Keep the faith 

L:  I always wear lucky socks to the RE

M:  When will someone call me mom?

N:  Negative again

O:  If only I could ovulate

P:  Pee on a stick 

Q:  I'm on a quest to find joy while trying to build my family 

R:  My REs have made way too much money off me 

S:  I currently have Stirrupaphobia

T:  All I want for Christmas are Two pink lines 

U:  I have a unicornuate uterus.  Lucky me

V:  Vaginal Ultrasounds, I have had too many of those

W:  When will we have children?

X:  Maybe I'll name my first girl Xena Princess Warrior        
Y:  Y is infertility so hard?

Z:  Maybe someday I will have a zygote

What would some of your ABC's be?

Infertile or non infertile ABC lists are welcome.

If you like you can link your list to my very first try at a Mclinky list.
In your post you have to include a link back to this post.
This list will be open through the end of ICLW (Fri May 28th)