Read-a-saurus

I love to read.   Unfortunately, once I start reading a book I have a hard time putting it down.  So I am always very selective on what I choose to read and when I read.  I had a bit of time this last weekend so I picked up the book:  Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult.  It was great.  I have read a few of her other books: Plain Truth and My Sister's Keeper which were also outstanding.

If you have read My Sister's Keeper, this book was similar to it, but also different.  The book was about a girl who was born with a genetic disorder which causes stress to a mom and the family.  Everyone is affected by this child's medical problem.  The mom had been trying to conceive for awhile and was just about to start infertility treatments when she became pregnant.  Now years later she is dealing with the stress of her child's illness and she wonders whether or not she wishes her child had ever been born.  A court case occurs and one of the lawyers is adopted and is currently searching for her birth mother.  She grapples with her insecurities and questions about whether or not she should contact her birth mother and why her birth mother might have chosen to place her for adoption.  Picoult brought up a lot of real life issues that people deal with and beautifully weaved them into this novel.

It never ceases to amaze me how often infertility or adoption seems to come up in books or movies.  I don't know if I just didn't notice before or if it really is being talked about more.  Anyhow, I enjoyed this book, and the more insight I can get into the emotions of birth mothers, adopted children, or any other people going through different life experiences the better I can be at helping or understanding them.

Wordless Wednesday

gotta love the crazy photo booth pictures on the apple computer!

Loyalty

Thank you to all you commented on my post yesterday, it was very helpful.  I took time to talk w/ God last night and I feel like we patched things up a bit. 

When I woke up this morning, I started thinking about loyalty and what it means to be loyal.  I remembered this article I had read/heard about before, so I went searching online and was pleased to find it. 

Here is the part I was thinking about when I woke up: 

“We often refer to those who continue in their commitments to Christ as being “faithful.” In the Old Testament, the words for faith, faithful, and faithfulness all come from the Hebrew ‘aman, which means “to be firm or reliable” and implies primarily qualities of loyalty and determination. Thus, being faithful means that we can be trusted to keep our commitments. . . Enduring to the end is keeping those promises throughout our lives—no matter what. It means we don’t quit because of life’s difficulties or temptations. Conversely, failing to endure means backing away from what we’ve started—first promising loyalty to God and then withholding what we promised. Endurance is not so much a matter of stamina as it is a matter of loyalty and integrity. Can you be trusted to faithfully hold your course? Just as a spouse who can be trusted to keep the marriage covenant is called faithful, so those who can be trusted to keep their gospel covenants are called faithful.

I once knew a man who had to decide whether to pay his tithing every time his check came, whether to go to his meetings every time they were held. . . Finally a friend asked him: “Why can’t you just decide once and for all which side you’re on? Why do you have to re-examine your loyalty every time a decision is called for? You are spiritually reinventing the wheel over and over again, and you will never make any progress until you can build on what you already know.”

A few weeks later he called his friend and asked for a ride to some stake meetings. The friend was pleased he was going, and when he told him so, the man responded: “You know, I wouldn’t like it if my wife told me she had to decide every morning whether she still loved me or not, or if she told me she only stayed with me because she hadn’t found a reason to leave—yet. I guess the Lord is entitled to more of a commitment than that from me. I’m ready to stop reinventing the wheel and move on.”

…There must come some point at which our commitment to the gospel and our conviction of its truth settles questions of faith in advance and predetermines our response to whatever challenges that commitment.” Stephen E. Robinson, “Enduring to the End,” Ensign, Oct 1993, 12  

I have experienced how it feels when someone I love stopped communicating with me.  All efforts to continue correspondence fell on deaf ears, with no explanation given.  It was rude and hurtful.  I thought, am I guilty of doing the same when it comes to God?  He has upset me, and while I can assume He knows I’m angry, I am ignoring Him and not taking the time to talk to Him about it.  He should have a chance to let me see His point of view as well.  Instead, I was shutting him out the same way this person did to me.  I didn’t like it when this was done to me, because I was under the impression this person and I were good friends.  "Que sera, sera"  translation: What will be, will be.  I can’t force other people to do what I want, I am only responsible for my own actions.  The same is true with God.  He won’t control us, and He won’t force, if we don't want to talk to Him or be close to Him, He will leave us alone.   

So the question was: Would I be a friend to God?  

Would I as it says in Proverbs 17: 17, Be “A friend [who] loveth at all times”? 

Or would I reject and abandon Him when the going got tough? 

In John 15: 13-15, Christ said: “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.  Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.  Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. 

While it may sound sacrilegious to some, it seemed like a nice thought to consider whether or not I was a friend to God, and whether or not He would call me His friend.  Could He count of me to stand by Him and be His friend through thick and thin even if I didn't always agree with Him?  

I hope so.  Or a more committed response to that question would be --Yes.  Or: you got that right.  Or better yet: Claro que si.  Translation:  Of course.  

Flip Flopping

Sometimes I feel like a politician.  There are politicians who are known for frequently switching their positions.  Whether or not you agree with them is beside the point.  This is just what they are known for.

Well, I am beginning to wonder if I am a flip flopper.  I can’t seem to make up my mind.  One day I am totally fine with God’s plan for me, and think I can do this, and then the next, not so much.  I feel confused and upset and aggravated.  Then I go to bed and wake up and think, okay I can do this, things will work out.  All of this flip flopping is driving me crazy. 

Here’s how the latest occurred.  It was Sunday, and I was talking about something that has been on my mind for awhile.  My hubby simply asked, “have you prayed about it?” 

I replied something to the effect of: “yeah, but just praying about something doesn’t make it happen”.  Sometimes my hubby is so full of faith and I just feel like I am floundering.  Things are so simple for him, and so complex for me.  I was slightly annoyed that he thought I could just pray and things would be solved.  Didn’t he have any idea how many prayers of mine have gone unanswered?  I was slightly upset at him, but we worked it out, because really it was God I was mad at.  I was mad because how am I supposed to believe I can pray to Him and have things work out when it seems like so many things aren’t?  

Of course this occurred minutes before we were supposed to go to church.  I didn’t want to go.  I never just skip church, but so many times this year I have wanted to.  This was another one of those days.  I almost stayed, but then with the convincing of my hubby and sock monkey I decided to go.  (If you just read that last sentence you will know how weird I am.  I just love my stuffed monkeys)  My hubby was having Stanley my sock monkey talk with his arms folded asking me why I wouldn’t go to church, and how was he ever going to learn about God if I didn’t teach him, etc.   And then he would kiss me with his big fat red sock monkey lips.  It was pretty funny. 

Anyhow, so I went to church, it was okay.  I was getting through it until the last class.  It was the worst.  And it made me wish I had stayed at home.  It was about the scriptures and I had to hear people talking about how the scriptures are a great guide for them and when we aren’t praying and reading the scriptures that is when life is the worst.  That isn’t necessarily true.  I read and pray and life still brings hard times.  So I got mad and sad again.  It was one of the longest classes in the world, but finally it ended and I was able to go home. 

One of the hard parts about it was last week my hubby and I had discussed the talk this lesson was on and we had a great discussion and I was full of faith and conviction about how great the scriptures were, but now a few days later, I was bitter and sad.  I was just flip flopping again.

One of my biggest fears with all of this infertility stuff was that I would end up turning away from God.  But many times it seems that He has turned away from me.  I am trying to hang on to my faith in Him, but sometimes it is really hard.  

Oh well, life goes on, right?  Yep.  So I went to bed, felt a little better when I woke up, and now am back to feeling a little “blah” after writing this.  Oh well, guess I better flip flop my emotions again and go work out or eat a yummy breakfast.  

Or maybe I’ll see if I can run for mayor or council member.  With all of experience with flip flopping my feelings on God and life in general maybe I’ll be pretty good at politics.  Yeah right.  I would hate to be a politician.

32 and not pregnant

Ever heard of this show?  It's my reality show.

I have a friend who said the "16 and pregnant" reality show came to her hospital and filmed a 16 yr old having her baby.  I have never watched the show, and have only heard a little bit about it.  Wikipedia says, "It follows the stories of pregnant teenage girls in high school dealing with the hardships of teenage pregnancy."  I am sure it would be interesting to see, but since hearing about the title of this show last year, I have often wondered why there isn't a reality show that airs right after it titled "32 and not pregnant"

That could be quite a double header.

I used to really want to be able to get knocked up, (by my husband of course), and I would especially get upset when I would hear about a teenager or a druggie getting pregnant.  It just wasn't fair.  But as we all know, life just isn't fair.

Anyhow, here I am quickly coming to the end of my 32nd year and the show's season is almost over.  When I first thought up this title in my head many months ago after hearing about the "16 and pregnant" show I felt bitter when I thought about it, but now I am happy to report that I am okay with being "32 and not pregnant".

I have put that dream aside and come to terms with it.  I remember when I first started down this infertile path and I was determined to beat this and by golly, I was going to get pregnant and have a natural birth.  I'm a nurse, I know how everything works and what is best.  Right?  Wrong.  Well, when I was diagnosed with my unicornuate uterus, I thought, "ok, no problem, I will still get pregnant, but I guess I will be okay with having a C-section if I need to.  Then, came all the IF treatments, and all the negative results.  I began to beg and plead to just get pregnant.  Who cares how it happened, or how the baby came out, I just wanted to get pregnant.  Now, here I am still not pregnant, but now I am fine with that.  I suppose I should change the title of my reality show to "32 and childless" but that sounds a little depressing to me.  And if there is one feeling I hate feeling, it is being depressed.  That is no fun.

I guess an alternative name for my reality show could be: "32 yr old future mother"

Now while my husband and I wait to adopt a child I realize that  I have relinquished all control of pregnancy and birth process over to someone else.  In some ways that is a little liberating.  I no longer have to stress about whether or not I will get pregnant.  I don't get depressed when AF comes.  I know too much about what can go wrong during a pregnancy or labor, which was always a little scary to think about.

The non liberating part of relinquishing this control, is that I am no longer in control.  There is no timetable as to when I might have my child lovingly placed in my arms.  Sometimes it feels like I am in elementary school waiting to be chosen to play on the baseball team, only I'm blindfolded while I wait.  Who will choose me?  When will I be chosen?  How many other people am I with that are also waiting to be chosen?  What are my odds of being chosen soon so I can get out on the field and play?

I hope I get chosen to be a part of Team Mom soon.

And when I do I can change my reality show title to "32 yr old mom".

Now that would be a blockbuster hit.

If you're infertile and you know it: Stomp Your Feet

Have you ever felt like that?
I know I have.  


Well today I checked on a blogger friend at myinfertilitywoes and she had attached a link to her blogger friend Lily at The infertile mind.  Her friend had made an inspirational e book on infertility that can be viewed as a video or a pdf which you can download from her site. It was great.  I was so glad I viewed it, and I hope you will too.


Her ebook helped me put in perspective the anger and sadness I had felt regarding my infertility this weekend after I was told I was "still young" and "had plenty of time", and then later when a different person told me to "enjoy this time I had without kids".  


While I would've rather these friends hadn't told me these things, there is some truth to what they said.  


I am still young, and even if I am old when I have kids, I won't be too old to love them.  I may not be a celebrity, but they certainly aren't the only ones who can have kids way past their prime.  And I should enjoy the time I have to be with just my husband, I dreamed of this time when we would be able to spend time together as a married couple.  And if I only focus on what I don't have I will spoil this time that I do have.


So, if you're infertile and you know it: Blog about it. 


That might help.

Continue in Patience

On Sunday I read a great talk titled: Continue in Patience by President Uchtdorf, (a leader from my church), and I wanted to share a few quotes from it.

“patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!”

“The children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before they could enter the promised land. Jacob waited 7 long years for Rachel…In each case, Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.”

“Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer… the promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain.”

“Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness.”

“the work of patience boils down to this: keep the commandments; trust in God, our Heavenly Father; serve Him with meekness and Christlike love; exercise faith and hope in the Savior; and never give up. The lessons we learn from patience will cultivate our character, lift our lives, and heighten our happiness.”

This talk helped me refocus myself and try to continue in patience.  I thought about some of the lessons I have learned as I have tried to patiently wait for children.  Here is a short list of some of those things.  

• I can do hard things.
• I have become more empathetic to people and their suffering.
•  I have become more tolerant and kind as I have been reminded that everyone is fighting a hard batte, and we don’t know everything they are going though.
• Don’t give up.
•  When I serve and think about others, I don’t focus on my difficulties.
• Children are amazing and when they come into my family I will cherish them.
• Trust in God, don’t give up on Him.

Adoption conversations at work

At work this week, I have told a few coworkers about our plans to adopt.
Each time I had to make a conscious decision to tell them.  Once I made the decision though, it was easier than I thought. Since my exciting "adoption announcement" I have realized that I can set the tone of the conversation when my family plans come up by how I react.

The first conversation this week occurred when a good friend who knows my infertile history told me she had a good story to tell me.  She then proceeded to tell me that someone she knew adopted a child and then shortly thereafter got pregnant.  Another coworker chimed in, "that always happens".  I groaned inwardly and outwardly, and said, "no, that doesn't always happen, but I'm glad it did for this person".    Then my friend said, "I'm not saying you have to adopt to get pregnant, I just wanted to share a happy story with you."  I thanked her, and then said, "well actually, my hubby and I are trying to adopt."  She got so excited and was so happy for me.  I was happy I had shared this exciting news with these 2 coworkers.

The second conversation occurred today.  I was working with some coworkers I don't usually work with and out of the blue one of them asked me, "so when are you going to have kids?"  This question can just make me cringe sometimes.  But today I simply said, "we don't know, but we are trying to adopt, so hopefully soon."  This coworker didn't say anything else, and not another word was said to me about my family plans that day.  That was fine.  I would've been nice if she had said, "cool, I hope it happens soon."  But she didn't and that's okay.  I was glad I had shared my news without feeling awkward.

I guess that might mean I'm making progress--I hope I didn't just jinx myself.

Searching for Meaning in Life

Over the last 2-3 wks I have been reading Viktor Frankl’s book: Man’s Search for Meaning.  The following is a good summary written by the Vienna, Austria (AP) on September 3, 1997.  The quoted information was found on this website:  http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/frankl/frankl.html

“Frankl survived the Holocaust, even though he was in four Nazi death camps including Auschwitz from 1942-45, but his parents and other members of his family died in the concentration camps.

During and partly because of his suffering in concentration camps, Frankl developed a revolutionary approach to psychotherapy known as logotherapy.

At the core of his theory is the belief that humanity's primary motivational force is the search for meaning, and the work of the logotherapist centers on helping the patient find personal meaning in life, however dismal the circumstances may be.

Frankl's teachings have been described as the Third Vienna School of Psychotherapy, after that of Sigmund Freud and Alfred Adler.

In "Man's Search for Meaning," which has sold approximately nine million copies worldwide and been translated into twenty-three languages. The Library of Congress called the book one of the ten most influential books of the twentieth century. Frankl said: "There is nothing in the world, I venture to say, that would so effectively help one to survive even the worst conditions as the knowledge that there is a meaning in one's life."

According to logotherapy, meaning can be discovered meaning can be discovered by three ways: "(1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering," he wrote.

"We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation," he insisted, a theory he gradually developed as a concentration camp survivor.

"As such, I also bear witness to the unexpected extent to which man is capable of defying and braving even the worst conditions conceivable,"   

The book was very inspiring.  Frankl divides the book into two parts—in the first he writes about “experiences in a concentration camp” and in the second, he writes about “logotherapy in a nutshell”.  And as I read I read the book I was able to make a few connections to the struggle of infertility.  As I share this I am in no way minimizing the suffering the Jews experienced.  I cannot comprehend the suffering the endured at the hands of evil and sadistic people.  And I am in complete awe of how the Jews overcame this terrible cruelty.

That said, as I read I had been feeling down again about infertility and wondering how long I would have to wait for an adoption to occur, and was feeling a bit overwhelmed with this trial.  And while I completely realize that my life is not terrible or hopeless, as I read, I thought that maybe infertility was my “concentration camp” and I wondered if I would survive the emotions and pain of it to arrive at day of liberation when my child would be placed in my arms.  I then had this stream of thoughts and questions: How would I spend my days as I waited for liberation?  And what if I was never liberated?  What then?  Could I rise to the occasion that this suffering had dealt me?  Could I find meaning in other ways?  Could I find meaning in accomplishing other things?  Could I find meaning through experiencing the goodness or life, nature, or people?  And as Frankl said, Could I experience “another human being in his very uniqueness by loving him”?  (man’s search for meaning p. 115)  Could I find meaning in my suffering and change my attitude towards this unavoidable suffering?  Suffering through infertility has taught me so many things, the last thing I want it to teach me is to give up. 

This book helped remind me in whatever way and at whatever time liberation from my suffering comes, I must find meaning during this time of waiting, or else I might not make it to my day of liberation. 

In conclusion, a few thoughts come to mind.  I used to love the phrase: “knowledge is power” until I was heard someone say that unless you act on that knowledge, it is meaningless.  So now that I once again reminded of what I need to do to find meaning in life and manage the pains of infertility, I hope I can act on this knowledge.  

Ran out of excuses

Well, I finally made it back to the gym today.  I have been running a little outside, but I haven't been to the gym to lift weights since the end of March.  Yikes.

Here were my excuses:

- i was sick
- went to Australia
- gym was closed for construction
- didn't feel like going
- didn't have time
- out of town for funeral
- helped sister w/ baby
- girl's camp
- didn't know if gym construction was over  (and didn't take the time to find out)
- out of town for the 4th of July
- too lazy
- i would feel embarrassed showing up at the gym after not going for months

Well,  I ran out of excuses today.  I woke up and was in kind of a "blah" mood.  I did not like the numbers staring at me on the bathroom scale.  This was not good because I put a skinny picture of myself on my adoption profile, so I needed to stay that way.  Then my mood became an annoyed mood, and I figured the only way to feel better was to go work out.  It was too late and too humid to run outside, so my only option was to go back to the gym.

As soon as I walked in I saw my friend.  I was so embarrassed I hadn't been to the gym in months.  We laughed and talked, and then I pumped some iron.  It felt good to work out and if I don't do anything else today, I can feel good knowing I made it back to the gym.

Now I just need to run out of excuses for the rest of the things I wish I was doing but I am not.
Maybe tomorrow :)

Big News

I got to thinking when i went to bed, that I have been so nervous trying to figure out how to best tell people about our plans to adopt.  I thought about the letter I wrote to my family and it came to me that it lacked a bit of the excitement and enthusiasm that we feel about our decision to adopt.  Then I thought I wanted to feel like a fertile person must when they announce their big new "our family is growing" news.

So, without further ado...this is the announcement I thought of while lying in bed.  It brought a smile to my face, warmth to my heart, and peace and excitement to my soul.

WE ARE SO EXCITED THAT  WE WILL SOON HAVE A CHILD JOIN OUR FAMILY THROUGH THE MIRACLE OF ADOPTION!!!


check out our profile here: 
http://itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/24465858/ourMessage.jsf.

that felt good :)

The cat's out of the bag

Ok, I took a big plunge and just sent a letter off to our families telling about you hopes of adopting.  I was a bit nervous about his step, but it had to happen, and we did it for the sake of helping our child's birthparents find us.  Nothing in this journey is like the fertile world's where you shout "SURPRISE, I'm prego!" Our timeline is much different than that.  When I was doing IVF everyone knew that in 2 weeks I would know if I was pregnant or not.  There was no surprise announcement.  Now with adoption, this announcement becomes completely different.  A part of me had secretly hoped I could just show up with my adopted baby and say "SURPRISE! Here we are!"  That would've been quite an announcement.  But that's not the way it works, and that's okay.

Anyhow, that was quite a long paragraph I wrote all about the fact that we sent this letter out.
Here is what we wrote:

Dear Family,

We wanted to write you a letter to let you know that R and I are pursuing adoption in hopes of bringing children into our family. 

We have an online profile on: www.itsaboutlove.org

The link to view this profile is: http://itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/24465858/ourMessage.jsf.

Fewer and fewer people are choosing to place their children for adoption.  When parents are determining who to place their child with, they look for people they feel will provide a wonderful home for their child.  Therefore, if someone they already know and trust can recommend a family to them, there is a greater chance they will choose to place their child with this family.  The more people are aware of our desire to adopt, the greater the likelihood our child’s birthparents will be able to find us.  In a nutshell, as with most things in life, it comes down to who you know.  :)

  

Therefore, if you feel you can recommend us as parents and wouldn’t mind informing your friends of our desire to adopt, we would appreciate it.  It is a little difficult for us to put ourselves out there like this, we are not big fans of mass email, and we have a hard time asking for help, but desperate times call for desperate measures.  :)

We appreciate you taking the time to read this letter and thank you for your sensitivity and understanding. 

Love,

J and R 

A new chapter

Well,  I took a much needed break this last week from blogging.  And I debated whether or not to even blog again.  I had reached 101 blog posts since I started this blog, and I wondered if that was enough.  I was very PMSy and was tired of waiting for life to get better.  I was focusing too much on what I didn't have.  I should've been happy, I had finally come to a new chapter in this hamster wheel of infertility, but I wasn't.  But I do blame that on my period, because I am feeling much better now.

Well, we went away for the 4th of July weekend and it was a much needed break.  We visited with family in Utah.  It was so nice to see some interesting topography.  The mountains were beautiful.  They were so green with a little bit of a snow still on top.  And I loved the dry heat as opposed to the humid heat I get here in TX.  We hiked, relaxed, ate BBQ, and saw fireworks.  It was great.

Anyhow, since I am back to writing on my blog, I will share my news:  We have completed the paperwork, home visit, fingerprints, and all the other stuff that we needed for adoption.  Our profile went live last week.  It is exciting because it seems like we have been working on it for so long.  I wish I could've told you all sooner, but my husband didn't want me to, so I couldn't.

I am excited we have made it to this step.  There were times when I didn't know if we would.  The paperwork is so extensive and intrusive--asking every little thing about yourself, it is enough to make you wonder if you really want to undergo this process.  But we made it through it and I am glad.

I keep secretly hoping that we will be matched in just a few weeks, that would be a dream come true.  At any rate, I will take comfort in the fact, that we are another step closer to having our child in our home.  Soon enough it will happen.