Flip Flopping

Sometimes I feel like a politician.  There are politicians who are known for frequently switching their positions.  Whether or not you agree with them is beside the point.  This is just what they are known for.

Well, I am beginning to wonder if I am a flip flopper.  I can’t seem to make up my mind.  One day I am totally fine with God’s plan for me, and think I can do this, and then the next, not so much.  I feel confused and upset and aggravated.  Then I go to bed and wake up and think, okay I can do this, things will work out.  All of this flip flopping is driving me crazy. 

Here’s how the latest occurred.  It was Sunday, and I was talking about something that has been on my mind for awhile.  My hubby simply asked, “have you prayed about it?” 

I replied something to the effect of: “yeah, but just praying about something doesn’t make it happen”.  Sometimes my hubby is so full of faith and I just feel like I am floundering.  Things are so simple for him, and so complex for me.  I was slightly annoyed that he thought I could just pray and things would be solved.  Didn’t he have any idea how many prayers of mine have gone unanswered?  I was slightly upset at him, but we worked it out, because really it was God I was mad at.  I was mad because how am I supposed to believe I can pray to Him and have things work out when it seems like so many things aren’t?  

Of course this occurred minutes before we were supposed to go to church.  I didn’t want to go.  I never just skip church, but so many times this year I have wanted to.  This was another one of those days.  I almost stayed, but then with the convincing of my hubby and sock monkey I decided to go.  (If you just read that last sentence you will know how weird I am.  I just love my stuffed monkeys)  My hubby was having Stanley my sock monkey talk with his arms folded asking me why I wouldn’t go to church, and how was he ever going to learn about God if I didn’t teach him, etc.   And then he would kiss me with his big fat red sock monkey lips.  It was pretty funny. 

Anyhow, so I went to church, it was okay.  I was getting through it until the last class.  It was the worst.  And it made me wish I had stayed at home.  It was about the scriptures and I had to hear people talking about how the scriptures are a great guide for them and when we aren’t praying and reading the scriptures that is when life is the worst.  That isn’t necessarily true.  I read and pray and life still brings hard times.  So I got mad and sad again.  It was one of the longest classes in the world, but finally it ended and I was able to go home. 

One of the hard parts about it was last week my hubby and I had discussed the talk this lesson was on and we had a great discussion and I was full of faith and conviction about how great the scriptures were, but now a few days later, I was bitter and sad.  I was just flip flopping again.

One of my biggest fears with all of this infertility stuff was that I would end up turning away from God.  But many times it seems that He has turned away from me.  I am trying to hang on to my faith in Him, but sometimes it is really hard.  

Oh well, life goes on, right?  Yep.  So I went to bed, felt a little better when I woke up, and now am back to feeling a little “blah” after writing this.  Oh well, guess I better flip flop my emotions again and go work out or eat a yummy breakfast.  

Or maybe I’ll see if I can run for mayor or council member.  With all of experience with flip flopping my feelings on God and life in general maybe I’ll be pretty good at politics.  Yeah right.  I would hate to be a politician.