Monday, July 26, 2010

Flip Flopping

Sometimes I feel like a politician.  There are politicians who are known for frequently switching their positions.  Whether or not you agree with them is beside the point.  This is just what they are known for.

Well, I am beginning to wonder if I am a flip flopper.  I can’t seem to make up my mind.  One day I am totally fine with God’s plan for me, and think I can do this, and then the next, not so much.  I feel confused and upset and aggravated.  Then I go to bed and wake up and think, okay I can do this, things will work out.  All of this flip flopping is driving me crazy. 

Here’s how the latest occurred.  It was Sunday, and I was talking about something that has been on my mind for awhile.  My hubby simply asked, “have you prayed about it?” 
I replied something to the effect of: “yeah, but just praying about something doesn’t make it happen”.  Sometimes my hubby is so full of faith and I just feel like I am floundering.  Things are so simple for him, and so complex for me.  I was slightly annoyed that he thought I could just pray and things would be solved.  Didn’t he have any idea how many prayers of mine have gone unanswered?  I was slightly upset at him, but we worked it out, because really it was God I was mad at.  I was mad because how am I supposed to believe I can pray to Him and have things work out when it seems like so many things aren’t?  

Of course this occurred minutes before we were supposed to go to church.  I didn’t want to go.  I never just skip church, but so many times this year I have wanted to.  This was another one of those days.  I almost stayed, but then with the convincing of my hubby and sock monkey I decided to go.  (If you just read that last sentence you will know how weird I am.  I just love my stuffed monkeys)  My hubby was having Stanley my sock monkey talk with his arms folded asking me why I wouldn’t go to church, and how was he ever going to learn about God if I didn’t teach him, etc.   And then he would kiss me with his big fat red sock monkey lips.  It was pretty funny. 

Anyhow, so I went to church, it was okay.  I was getting through it until the last class.  It was the worst.  And it made me wish I had stayed at home.  It was about the scriptures and I had to hear people talking about how the scriptures are a great guide for them and when we aren’t praying and reading the scriptures that is when life is the worst.  That isn’t necessarily true.  I read and pray and life still brings hard times.  So I got mad and sad again.  It was one of the longest classes in the world, but finally it ended and I was able to go home. 

One of the hard parts about it was last week my hubby and I had discussed the talk this lesson was on and we had a great discussion and I was full of faith and conviction about how great the scriptures were, but now a few days later, I was bitter and sad.  I was just flip flopping again.

One of my biggest fears with all of this infertility stuff was that I would end up turning away from God.  But many times it seems that He has turned away from me.  I am trying to hang on to my faith in Him, but sometimes it is really hard.  

Oh well, life goes on, right?  Yep.  So I went to bed, felt a little better when I woke up, and now am back to feeling a little “blah” after writing this.  Oh well, guess I better flip flop my emotions again and go work out or eat a yummy breakfast.  

Or maybe I’ll see if I can run for mayor or council member.  With all of experience with flip flopping my feelings on God and life in general maybe I’ll be pretty good at politics.  Yeah right.  I would hate to be a politician.


  1. The sock monkey episode was wonderful! Thanks for sharing that with us. My husband has a sock monkey from childhood and his father integrated it to his toast at our wedding. He had the audience in stitches.

    It sounds to me like wondering if God is walking with you through the devastation that infertility brings is natural. I have felt that too, and I am sure many of the women who go through infertility do as well. I just worry, in reading what you write, that you are making this about a lack of faith on your part, like there is something you are not doing right. I wonder if maybe this wrestling with your faith around the infertility and wondering what God's plan for you really is can, in the end, be a way of growing in your faith. Sometimes in our close relationships with humans, we have struggles that seem to pull us apart, but once they are worked through, they end up bringing us closer together. I wonder if you need to work things out with God in your own way (and if it means missing church, or not praying about an issue, or whatever, well so be it), so that you can find your own authentic way back to your faith. And what I mean by authentic is that you honour what you are feeling and act in the best way possible considering your feelings, and thoughts and beliefs.

    Anyways, I hope this is not offensive to you. I don't know about your faith, but I just wanted to say that I hope you can honour yourself and your experience, and not make yourself feel too guilty.

  2. I was also REALLY angry at God once during my IF journey - until that moment when I couldn't keep it inside. I yelled and screamed at God with tears free flowing from my eyes...Did it help me feel better? Yeah, I felt glad after the outburst he he...

    After that, I browsed through many articles and IF blogs...and found some consolation through consolation was that God knows everything even before we say it, so He can handle our anger. In fact, He wants us to be totally honest with Him. So those words helped me accept my anger towards God.

    Another thing I found was that when we're weak in faith, we can just ask Him to help us believe again. We are weak human beings and we can't try to muster faith on our own (esp. during storms). He can help us believe again...He knows our pains and He cries with us...

    Another thought that keeps me going is this: without the shaking of the faith, it won't have a chance to grow.

    It's VERY VERY normal during IF journey to go up and down and up and down and up and down...don't be too hard on yourself. HE understands your ups and downs. HUGE HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

  3. One time a friend of my families lost a baby and she stopped coming to church. My mom was still visiting teaching and one day she asked this woman about her relationship with God. The woman said, "I don't pray anymore because I am mad at God. I know He is there but I don't want to talk to Him right now." And my mother asked, "Have you told Him this? Have you told Him how mad you are at Him?" The woman asked, "Can I really do that? Can I talk to him this way?" My mother replied, "He already knows. But it might help you to talk to Him about it."
    I don't know what happened to that woman in regards to that conversation or if she ever had it out with God but she came back to church.
    I know that for me, having it out with God has helped me so much sometimes. Things don't automatically get better but I feel like I know where God and I stand. He knows I am having a rough time and none to happy and I know that He loves me and somehow it is going to work out for the best.

    Also...I hate church sometimes because I feel like some people are really naive to the pain that others can feel and have in their lives.

  4. I think that the flip flopping is very normal given the struggles you are facing and also they are a part of us being human. God knows that about us & the amazing thing is He continues to love us unconditionally regardless of this. I think that when we are faced with major struggles in our life & we question or faith and God these are the things that truly help us to grow in our faith in the long run. And remember we serve a God who is strong enough to take whatever feelings we are experiencing & His love will never leave us. Thinking of you & sending love:)

  5. The Sock Monkey story was so cute.

    I think the 'flip flopping' is perfectly normal.
    I know I have days when I'm okay with not having bio children. I'm okay with not trying to get pregnant. I'm okay with the journey God has put us on. And then I have days when I'm upset that 6 years have gone by and we are still waiting for our baby to come.

    I remember having those days when I did't want to go to church. And then when we did go, I'd just sit there during worship and apologize to God the entire service for being so angry at Him. I couldn't pray to Him. I would just tell him how angry I was and that I was sorry for being so angry (it was a weird juxtiposition).

    Hang in there, sweetie.

  6. Thank you for posting this! I have trouble going to church, too. I call it the Maternity Ward. Haven't been to R.S. for almost a year. I just couldn't take all the wonderful stories women would share about their prayers being answered and how God is watching out for them even in simple things (like getting a good parking spot - I kid you not!). And here I am begging for guidance on where to go in my journey, but getting NOTHING! So many weeks I'd go to church and then be horribly depressed until Tuesday. Now I just go for the first hour (gotta keep up the facade for the sake of the kids) and then hang out for the other two hours. Now I don't get so depressed for so long. Is it wrong to skip out on church like this? Maybe, but sometimes I can't think about eternal salvation - all I can do is try to survive today! Even though we're in different situations, I think we're very much on the same page here. I'm here if you ever want to chat or vent about it.

  7. I think everyone in IF hell knows what that flip flopping feeling feels like. :(

    When you start to feel down, remember to read the title & tagline of your blog. It's a good one!!