32 and not pregnant

Ever heard of this show?  It's my reality show.

I have a friend who said the "16 and pregnant" reality show came to her hospital and filmed a 16 yr old having her baby.  I have never watched the show, and have only heard a little bit about it.  Wikipedia says, "It follows the stories of pregnant teenage girls in high school dealing with the hardships of teenage pregnancy."  I am sure it would be interesting to see, but since hearing about the title of this show last year, I have often wondered why there isn't a reality show that airs right after it titled "32 and not pregnant"

That could be quite a double header.

I used to really want to be able to get knocked up, (by my husband of course), and I would especially get upset when I would hear about a teenager or a druggie getting pregnant.  It just wasn't fair.  But as we all know, life just isn't fair.

Anyhow, here I am quickly coming to the end of my 32nd year and the show's season is almost over.  When I first thought up this title in my head many months ago after hearing about the "16 and pregnant" show I felt bitter when I thought about it, but now I am happy to report that I am okay with being "32 and not pregnant".

I have put that dream aside and come to terms with it.  I remember when I first started down this infertile path and I was determined to beat this and by golly, I was going to get pregnant and have a natural birth.  I'm a nurse, I know how everything works and what is best.  Right?  Wrong.  Well, when I was diagnosed with my unicornuate uterus, I thought, "ok, no problem, I will still get pregnant, but I guess I will be okay with having a C-section if I need to.  Then, came all the IF treatments, and all the negative results.  I began to beg and plead to just get pregnant.  Who cares how it happened, or how the baby came out, I just wanted to get pregnant.  Now, here I am still not pregnant, but now I am fine with that.  I suppose I should change the title of my reality show to "32 and childless" but that sounds a little depressing to me.  And if there is one feeling I hate feeling, it is being depressed.  That is no fun.

I guess an alternative name for my reality show could be: "32 yr old future mother"

Now while my husband and I wait to adopt a child I realize that  I have relinquished all control of pregnancy and birth process over to someone else.  In some ways that is a little liberating.  I no longer have to stress about whether or not I will get pregnant.  I don't get depressed when AF comes.  I know too much about what can go wrong during a pregnancy or labor, which was always a little scary to think about.

The non liberating part of relinquishing this control, is that I am no longer in control.  There is no timetable as to when I might have my child lovingly placed in my arms.  Sometimes it feels like I am in elementary school waiting to be chosen to play on the baseball team, only I'm blindfolded while I wait.  Who will choose me?  When will I be chosen?  How many other people am I with that are also waiting to be chosen?  What are my odds of being chosen soon so I can get out on the field and play?

I hope I get chosen to be a part of Team Mom soon.

And when I do I can change my reality show title to "32 yr old mom".

Now that would be a blockbuster hit.