Lately, I have been in a bit of a quandary as to trying to decide where I belong in this blogging world. I made it to the other side! I came out of this ordeal with a baby in my arms and now I want to continue blogging about the joy he has brought me. But I worry that in doing so I will hurt and cause pain to those of you who are my dear friends in cyberspace. It could be that many of you who used to read my blog no longer do, and that’s okay. I understand how hard it can be to feel happy that someone else has a child, but to feel so sad that you still don’t.
I feel that in many ways infertility helped me to learn to find joy in the day to day of life. I am a much more confidant person and happy person now than I was when I was in the throes of focusing on what I didn’t have and how infertility was cheating me out of a happy life.
You may read this and say, oh that’s easy to say now that she has a baby, but honestly, the day before I got the call that we had been chosen by our child’s birth parents I was doing a triathlon training bike/run and as I ran I thought, “I am happy. I have found joy.” And I am so glad I had that feeling and experience before I received the news about our adoption. This was what I was ultimately working towards. This was something I could control. I couldn’t control when a baby would come, I couldn’t force myself to become pregnant, and I certainly couldn’t force a birth mother of father to choose me to parent his or her child. I could only control my outlook on life and my attitude.
So in many ways I feel like I no longer belong here. But at the same time I feel as though I do. I have learned so much and just because I will talk about parenting it is through the prism of infertility and adoption. And also through the prism of finding the joy in the highs and lows of this new adventure.
I want to tell you of the thrill and confusion it was to fill out my child’s medical record as I tried to figure out where I was supposed to sign and put my info. I was now the mom and the parent, not the patient. At the doctor’s office when they are ready to see him, they call us by his name, not mine. It is such a confusing and joyful moment in my life.
So as you see, I am not sure if I fit into this new mommy world either. I have a completely different outlook and perspective than the vast majority of these other amazing moms. I love my pile of baby laundry. Although it is growing steeper and steeper by the day and I don’t know if I will ever get around to folding it. I just dig in the pile to find something cute and we get up and go. I love my messy house. I will take the sleep deprivation that comes with this new job any day. Sure, I will admit, at 1:30 am I had a sleep deprivation moment and wasn’t the happier camper in the world, but then I remembered how lucky I was and that immediately cured my frustration at my screaming child. So because I am so happy to experience these seemingly terrible portions of motherhood I kind of feel like a foreigner in this new world. But that’s okay. And so, I think if I can continue to blog about the happiness of parenthood, maybe it could also help those who are beaten down and tired of the day to day grind of it all. And I don't want to become beaten down by the day to day difficulties that do come with parenthood. I am enjoying this new pair of rose colored glasses I have and don't want to take them off.
I don’t know. Ultimately, I just want those of you that I care about in this blogging world to not be hurt as I talk about my newfound joy of motherhood.
And I am sorry to admit it, but I am probably now a very annoying person for an infertile person to see on FB. I post a lot of pics of my little guy for my friends and family to see. I tried not to do too many, but they all love him and want to see him, so how can I not?