Monday, November 1, 2010

In limbo between 2 worlds

Lately, I have been in a bit of a quandary as to trying to decide where I belong in this blogging world.  I made it to the other side!  I came out of this ordeal with a baby in my arms and now I want to continue blogging about the joy he has brought me.  But I worry that in doing so I will hurt and cause pain to those of you who are my dear friends in cyberspace.  It could be that many of you who used to read my blog no longer do, and that’s okay.  I understand how hard it can be to feel happy that someone else has a child, but to feel so sad that you still don’t. 

I feel that in many ways infertility helped me to learn to find joy in the day to day of life.  I am a much more confidant person and happy person now than I was when I was in the throes of focusing on what I didn’t have and how infertility was cheating me out of a happy life. 

You may read this and say, oh that’s easy to say now that she has a baby, but honestly, the day before I got the call that we had been chosen by our child’s birth parents I was doing a triathlon training bike/run and as I ran I thought, “I am happy.  I have found joy.”  And I am so glad I had that feeling and experience before I received the news about our adoption.  This was what I was ultimately working towards.  This was something I could control.  I couldn’t control when a baby would come, I couldn’t force myself to become pregnant, and I certainly couldn’t force a birth mother of father to choose me to parent his or her child.  I could only control my outlook on life and my attitude. 

So in many ways I feel like I no longer belong here.  But at the same time I feel as though I do.  I have learned so much and just because I will talk about parenting it is through the prism of infertility and adoption.  And also through the prism of finding the joy in the highs and lows of this new adventure. 

I want to tell you of the thrill and confusion it was to fill out my child’s medical record as I tried to figure out where I was supposed to sign and put my info.  I was now the mom and the parent, not the patient.  At the doctor’s office when they are ready to see him, they call us by his name, not mine.  It is such a confusing and joyful moment in my life. 

So as you see, I am not sure if I fit into this new mommy world either.  I have a completely different outlook and perspective than the vast majority of these other amazing moms.  I love my pile of baby laundry.  Although it is growing steeper and steeper by the day and I don’t know if I will ever get around to folding it.  I just dig in the pile to find something cute and we get up and go.  I love my messy house.  I will take the sleep deprivation that comes with this new job any day.  Sure, I will admit, at 1:30 am I had a sleep deprivation moment and wasn’t the happier camper in the world, but then I remembered how lucky I was and that immediately cured my frustration at my screaming child.  So because I am so happy to experience these seemingly terrible portions of motherhood I kind of feel like a foreigner in this new world.  But that’s okay.  And so, I think if I can continue to blog about the happiness of parenthood, maybe it could also help those who are beaten down and tired of the day to day grind of it all.  And I don't want to become beaten down by the day to day difficulties that do come with parenthood.  I am enjoying this new pair of rose colored glasses I have and don't want to take them off.

I don’t know.  Ultimately, I just want those of you that I care about in this blogging world to not be hurt as I talk about my newfound joy of motherhood.

And I am sorry to admit it, but I am probably now a very annoying person for an infertile person to see on FB.  I post a lot of pics of my little guy for my friends and family to see.  I tried not to do too many, but they all love him and want to see him, so how can I not?  


  1. It is really hard to "graduate" from the community of people struggling to become parents and join the world of new moms and its something I think most of us struggle with as we make that transition.

    Its easy to feel guilty for blogging about your baby & for posting pics on FB knowing that doing so may cause pain to some of your gretest supporters on this journey. However, the reality is parenthood is the goal of everyone in the TTC community and while its wonderful to be mindful of people's feelings and to acknowledge them as you have done, you should not feel guilty for achieving what everyone else is also working toward.

    Continue to visit blogs and support others and post about motherhood after infertility, which is a whole new set of joys and challenges.

  2. Oh my dear friend, I for one am SO happy for you guys and love hearing your joy. You have earned your spot in the land of parenthood and I love that rose colored perspective you've taken with you. I hope to be wearing the same myself some day. And I would hope that all of those that followed me on my journey through all the struggles to get to that place would be celebrating and reveling in it with me. Continued joy, happiness, and hope to you my friend!

  3. Thank you for writing this post. I know that one day I will be thankful for the dirty laundry and messy house as well! I look forward to reading about your new mommy adventures, as I hope and dream to one day have my own.

  4. You deserve so much to be happy and post a million pictures of your baby on Facebook!! I'm planning on being that annoying person who posts a million pictures of her baby because....hey, I earned it!!

    And I for one, don't mind reading your blog! Even if you are totally baby crazy!! :)

    If anything, I find you a great source to learn what I might go through while I'm adopting or after I adopt.

  5. You are so considerate to be mindful of how others may be feeling. I promise you that I will follow you no matter what you write about! I just love your positive spirit and it is infectious, which makes me want to be around it more and more.

    I literally got tears when you posted your first baby picture - they were tears of JOY for YOU!! I am so happy for you and it makes me a happier person hearing about your happiness. I suppose not everyone may feel this way, but I do! :)

    Much love and many (((hugs))) to you! I've missed you in these couple of weeks!!

  6. I've read this post a few times and thought about it so much. First of all, I want to say that I can really imagine that straddling 2 worlds like you are doing must be a tad disorienting, even whilst feeling joyful. Yet, you are straddling those two worlds with grace and authenticity.

    I also want to say that I don't feel hurt by your new found joy in motherhood. I won't stop reading your blog of thinking of you as my friend because you're a mother now and I'm not. For me, I decided that I would not sever ties because people get pregnant or become parents. I now count you as a dear friend, and I share in your joy.

    For all the difficult IF stories and the crappy outcomes, I find your story refreshing. I remember landing on your blog one day and thinking "this girl's onto something" That was way before you found out about the adoption. I admire your commitment to living life in the present moment and finding out what's worth it in the hear and now.

    I've watched with a heart swelling with joy as you made the transition to motherhood. How wonderful to see someone who fully embraces what she has. You're amazing, dear woman.

    Sending hugs, as you you keep figuring out how to straddle the two worlds, in a sleep deprived state!

  7. What a gorgeous baby you have! So so precious. I know you are cherishing every moment. Please don't feel you shouldn't post pictures - we all want the same thing and yours was so hard fought for, no one would deny you the joy and happiness of sharing the most important thing in your life! Congratulations!!

  8. I have to agree with the other ladies that have posted.... go ahead, share your JOY! It is a great reminder that the other side of this (IF) is a beautiful thing- something well worth the pain and struggle!! Post away friend, I will be right here reading!

  9. What a great post! It is strange to be on the other side, and know what your actions do to those who are still dealing with IF.

    I share pics, and I talk a lot about my little one, too. Right now it is just what is happening in my life. Both Hubby and I take a lot of joy from our little one, and we deserve to! We worked hard for him! Share all you want, you deserve it!

  10. Here from the Friday Roundup...

    This is a great post. Sometimes I wonder if once the match and placement are made and final the parents quash the struggle, especially in blogging. It's refreshing to read an acknowledgment of struggling to figure out where you fit.

  11. I've been living in this in-between limbo-land for 3 months since the arrival of my DD so I totally and completely understand. In addition, I don't "belong" with regular moms because I feel so foreign. I just blurted out that my kid was an IVF baby in the middle of a stroller strides group on Wednesday and I felt like a moron. So I get it.


    Here from the Blog Roundup.

  12. I started my blog after we adopted our son, so I was never in this world without being both an infertile and a mom. I know what you mean about not really belonging in either place, though. I no longer have that desperate longing to be a mom because I am one, and yet getting here was not the easy experience it was for so many of the moms I meet. Oh and I love the part about loving your baby laundry--yesterday I was marveling at our boy's sippy cups lined up in the dishwasher, filling the whole top rack in brightly colored rows. It is amazing how babies take over every corner of our houses and our lives, and how wonderful that feels. Please keep blogging :)