I have chosen to write a "what IF" about how infertility impacts a relationship.
What IF infertility negatively affects my relationship with God and I end up losing my faith in Him?
Once I realized how difficult IF was, I knew I my spiritual strength would be tested, but I had no idea to what degree.
I am a pretty religious person, and knew that God answers prayers. I also knew that I had to accept His will, and His timing. But I was confident that sooner or later, our two concepts of timing would coincide.
As time went on, I began to think I needed to buy God a watch. Did He not realize that my biological clock was ticking? Even enduring a month to wait to get into a doctor for a consult was difficult. Time seemed to crawl when I was waiting a few weeks for my period to come and go so I could get started on treatments. Then when we took a break between treatments, I could hardly stand to wait. I felt like I was running out of time. Apparently I was not.
My first negative IVF cycle nearly broke me. I was crushed. I was angry. I hated hearing people say, “trust in God and His timing.” I wondered why does He get all the credit when things go great, and then when things don’t go as planned; it just gets chalked up to His timing and His will.
With time things got better. I still didn’t enjoy hearing people tell trite little stories about how they lost something and then prayed to find it, and lo and behold God answered their prayer. But I tuned it out and didn’t let it affect me too much.
Then we decided to try IVF again. I prayed and prayed to know if this really was something we should spend our time and emotional energy on. I was keenly aware of where this could lead me emotionally if things didn’t work out. We decided this was something we should do again. I was more stressed than ever. I did acupuncture which helped a lot. I was most scared that if the test came back negative I would lose my faith in God, and to me--nothing was worth that. I studied scriptures, I prayed. I tried to stay calm.
I was a wreck on the day of my beta results. But lo and behold, they came back positive. I couldn’t believe it. I let myself relax and feel joy. And then, as happy as I felt is how sad and sorrowful I became as it eventually became evident that I was no longer pregnant.