Sunday, January 3, 2010

Barfing, Envy, Coming to Terms

What do all of these things have in common?
I have no idea.

I hate when I have to barf. Last night I felt sick to my stomach like I needed to puke, but couldn't, when finally I followed my husband's advice to stick 2 fingers down my throat and get it over with. Never before had I done that, but it worked. And I felt better.

Now on to envy. One thing I hate about blogs is that when I read other people's blogs they seem to be having a great life. Everything is super great for them, and I feel so inadequate or wonder why don't I have the talent or abilities that some of these people have? And I hate myself for it and I hate others for having those abilities and utilizing them. I'm sure I could do great things, but for whatever reason I need to learn to be content with the tiny spot of earth God has asked me to tend. I often feel like a "worker ant" just carrying crumbs to and fro, knowing I am part of something big, but sometimes wishing I could be the star for just a short moment in time.

Next up, coming to terms. I happened to click on the cjane enjoy it blog button that one of my friend's blogs has and I of course was envious of her and her success. I want to be a writer and a great photographer and here she had both. Why her, why not me? I know she has had a tough life, her sister was in a plane crash (I read nie nie-might ring a bell), but still, that wasn't helping. Then I happened to click on her "about me" icon and I was struck by the fact that she had experienced infertility and had decided to blog because as she wrote, "In 2005, I Courtney Jane decided to start a blog because I heard that blogging made dreams come true. And oh boy, I wanted a baby. When I wasn't pregnant after my fourth month posting, and with a daily serving of people telling me to "just enjoy" our child-less state, I moved to make my blog proof that I found joy in infertility." I couldn't believe this when I read it, and in that moment I felt normal again. I felt that here I had a chance to be happy, (not holding out for the pregnancy part). And a small part of my envy and sadness slipped away.

I was at church today and everyone was talking about how last year was a tough year, and I realized that so many people are fighting a hard battle. And probably this next year will still be a tough year for me and many others. I will hope for rainbows and ponies, but will not be surprised if I have to settle for lucky charms and ponytail hairdos as the highlights of my days.

I wonder, does anyone ever envy me? That would be interesting to know. Because if they did, I would just tell them they were off their rocker, and that there was no reason to be jealous of me. In thinking of that it reminds me of church a little bit. At church everyone is dressed in their Sunday best and it is easy to be envious of one another because everyone looks great. But under the surface everyone is struggling. Some have issues in their marriages, some have problems with their kids, or kids with their parents, or health problems, infertility, financial uncertainty, loneliness, etc. You name, someone's got it. Everyone is dealing with something. No one has a perfect life. But you don't see it, all you see is how they seem to have it all put together for those few hrs each week, and if you are not careful, you create a warped sense of who they are in connection with who you are. We all just put on a pretty face and try to get through life as best we can. I guess it really does just come down to how you act and react to your individual trials and situations.

I guess life is a lot like barfing sometimes. You can sometimes feel so sick to your stomach tired of life, but once you go through the trial and experience, supposedly you feel better. (At least that's what I've heard--j/k, I know that's true, it is just hard to remember sometimes)

Today I was thinking about the scripture, "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25) I thought, what was he thinking, seriously? Did Adam really think he would be helping us have joy by partaking of the forbidden fruit and enabling us to experience mortality and all the trials that come with it? Well, whether he did or didn't know what he was doing, God did. He provided us with a Savior who would make it possible for us to repent and be forgiven and experience joy in mortality. God wants us to be happy, that if for sure. And that is how I came to terms with that scripture and my life as I know it today.

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