Sunday, February 7, 2010

Limbo Land

I am in Limbo land right now.  I am trying to take a break from thinking about my infertile life, but how can I?  It's like trying to avoid my own shadow.  There is no escaping the fact that I am infertile.  My husband and I agreed to take a break from thinking about it until January.  And that helped until January came.  Maybe for my peace of mind I should've said January of 2012 (that's when the world is supposed to end anyway, right?).

The thought of another round of IVF scares me to death.  I don't think I can handle the hormones and the emotions associated with it.  The thought of doing anything, pursuing adoption or becoming child free scares me to death.  The thought of doing nothing and not thinking about it depresses me.  It's not easy to do nothing.  I'm not getting any younger.  If I want to have a family I need to get going on this.  So then I think, why do I even want kids?  Should I decide to be child free?  Why can't I be one of those people that always wanted to be childfree?  It would've worked out perfectly--being ignorantly infertile.  I can just imagine freaking out that I might be pregnant when I missed a birth control pill, and then being so relieved when I wasn't. Wouldn't that be strange?

What to do, what to do?

Maybe I need to take more time to heal.  I thought I had, but it is quickly becoming evident that maybe I need more time.  Maybe I ripped the bandage off too soon.  I once heard the phrase that "faith has a short shelf life", so therefore we need to always keep replenishing our storage.  I think I had a lot built up, but then IVF, wiped it all out.  Just like an emergency disaster would wipe out my all of my emergency food I had stockpiled.  Maybe right now I need to focus on restocking my supply of faith and courage to even be able to make a decision.  Because even if I built up enough reserve to make a decision, would I have enough to even pursue the course?  I really doubt it.  I am having an especially hard time with prayer in relation to infertility.

I was enjoying remembering what I was like pre-infertility, pre-hopped up on hormones.  It was kind of nice.  I missed that person.  I had forgotten what she was like.  Maybe she needs to get a little more attention for awhile.

I liked one thing that a lady at church said today about being grateful.  She said, "I count the things I have, not the things I don't have"  So, in order to end on a good note, I will do just that:
  1. wonderful husband
  2. good job
  3. good friends and family
  4. a warm and beautiful home
  5. a Father in Heaven who loves me.  I know He loves me, I really do.  If I can just remember that, everything will be alright. 
On that note I will go to bed and hopefully slip into sleep.
Good night.


  1. It is so hard to know what to say because "it's going to work out" just doesn't seem good enough! But it will. And you have to take care of yourself, which is so hard to do, but a necessity! Know that I am saying a prayer and sending hugs your way!!

  2. I completely relate to "that person I was before infertility", I too miss the more carefree, happy version of me. IF does a number on all of us & definitely tries to knock us down, but the important thing is that you are continuing to get back up, you're not letting it get the best of you. You're trying to also focus on the good & finding joy, which is what I know will get you through this & to the answer that you need. Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers:)

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  4. Hey lady, I nominated you for a Beautiful Blogger Award...see my blog for details:) Hope you had a good Monday!

  5. You are NOT old. I don't know what your future holds and I wish I knew how to cure your infertility, but I do know that if you are thinking of adopting, the decision doesn't need to be made right away. You are young. Young I tell you!!

    I think you should go on a vacation!

    Hang in there. Big hugs to you!