The thought of another round of IVF scares me to death. I don't think I can handle the hormones and the emotions associated with it. The thought of doing anything, pursuing adoption or becoming child free scares me to death. The thought of doing nothing and not thinking about it depresses me. It's not easy to do nothing. I'm not getting any younger. If I want to have a family I need to get going on this. So then I think, why do I even want kids? Should I decide to be child free? Why can't I be one of those people that always wanted to be childfree? It would've worked out perfectly--being ignorantly infertile. I can just imagine freaking out that I might be pregnant when I missed a birth control pill, and then being so relieved when I wasn't. Wouldn't that be strange?
What to do, what to do?
Maybe I need to take more time to heal. I thought I had, but it is quickly becoming evident that maybe I need more time. Maybe I ripped the bandage off too soon. I once heard the phrase that "faith has a short shelf life", so therefore we need to always keep replenishing our storage. I think I had a lot built up, but then IVF, wiped it all out. Just like an emergency disaster would wipe out my all of my emergency food I had stockpiled. Maybe right now I need to focus on restocking my supply of faith and courage to even be able to make a decision. Because even if I built up enough reserve to make a decision, would I have enough to even pursue the course? I really doubt it. I am having an especially hard time with prayer in relation to infertility.
I was enjoying remembering what I was like pre-infertility, pre-hopped up on hormones. It was kind of nice. I missed that person. I had forgotten what she was like. Maybe she needs to get a little more attention for awhile.
I liked one thing that a lady at church said today about being grateful. She said, "I count the things I have, not the things I don't have" So, in order to end on a good note, I will do just that:
- wonderful husband
- good job
- good friends and family
- a warm and beautiful home
- a Father in Heaven who loves me. I know He loves me, I really do. If I can just remember that, everything will be alright.
On that note I will go to bed and hopefully slip into sleep.