Party in the Boots

During the winter I wear boots to church most every Sunday. And since nobody can see my legs I like to wear crazy socks under them. So my husband and I call it “party in the boots”. You gotta have some fun when looking all nice at church. On our double date the guys had given each of us a pre-Valentine gift because just like how the moon was closer, Valentine's day was getting closer and they just loved us so much they couldn't wait that long. Aaaah, how sweet. So, today I got to wear my new heart socks my hubby had given me on wolf moon friday and had a rockin' party in the boots.

I remember when I went to the doctor last year for what ended up being my last IUI. It was actually right around Valentine's Day last year too. So, just for kicks I decided to wear my Valentine's day socks that said "hug me sweetie" with x's and o's all over them. After all, this was as romantic a conception as we could hope to get, and by golly I was going to make it special. I wish I had brought candles and asked my doctor to dim the lights as well, but I didn't want to overdo it. But my husband, the doctor, and I all had a good laugh when I put my feet up in the stirrups that day.

Friday Night Double Date

I love going on double dates with my husband. He is so funny. I can’t even describe how ridiculous he is sometimes. And then the added bonus that you get to hang out with some friends and laugh all night. He and the other husband planned the date, which was nice because I could just go and enjoy it. They started off by telling us how it was a “Wolf Moon” that night (with some serious cloud cover unfortunately). And then all night they kept rattling off the most random facts about how this wolf moon was so different and amazing. How is was 31, 070 miles closer to the earth and it was 14% wider and who knows how much brighter. It was hilarious. I may need to fact check the info. And of course the Mexican restaurant we went to had a wolf statue, so that just added to our laughter.

Edible Subject & TX winter

I have been trying to improve my photography skills of late. I would prefer to have a cute kid to take pictures of, but that isn’t possible at this time. Rob and I get tired of taking pictures of each others, and I have realized that I really don’t like taking close ups of my face. I have been trying to coordinate with some of my friends, but something keeps coming up:either a kid is sick, needs a nap, or mom overbooked her schedule. No worries though.Someday I will either get a kid of my own to subject to my endless picture taking, or once I get good, people will be knocking on my door to get me to take their picture. I better get to work on getting good.

It is winter here in TX, so everything is dead or brown, so I went looking for something colorful and look what I found.I have always loved sprinkle donuts. They just look so happy and they always cheer me up. And the added bonus was that I would be able to eat it after photographing it.

my happy donut-- going, going, GONE!

That same day I also took some pictures of the sunrise at the lake and I liked how this one turned out. One thing about winter here that I like is how the tress have such personality with all of their branches showing.

Barren Women

This year I am reading the Old Testament. I just love the stories in the Bible. I was reading today in Genesis 25:21 about Isaac and Rebekah and I discovered that Rebekah had been barren. This verse simply stated that “Isaac intreated the Lord for his wife, because she was barren: and the Lord was intreated of him, and Rebekah his wife conceived.”

I had never known that Rebekah was barren. I knew about the others: Sarai/Sarah, Rachel, Hannah and Elisabeth. But I don’t know how had I missed that. Well, at any rate, I know now. And I can add her to the list. I always feel a kinship to other infertile women past and present.

At times being infertile or “barren” has felt like a punishment from God. I have wondered what I did to deserve this. And I being a person with many weaknesses I have found plenty of reasons why God might want to punish me. But when I remember these remarkable and choice women in the scriptures who were barren, I am reminded that infertility is not a punishment from God. The people that either make it into the scriptures are usually either really bad or really good. And it is obvious that these women were great women with important roles to play.

It has been helpful to read these women’s stories and see how they overcame their challenges. I wish mine challenge was as short as one little verse in the scriptures-- that my husband prayed to God and God intervened. But I am being facetious, I know it wasn’t that simple: one prayer, one verse, and all of their hopes and dreams came true. It would be like having a genie in a lamp. I am sure they prayed and waited upon the Lord for a long time.

As I thought about this, I realized that I hadn’t ever really thought about how Abraham’s whole family had quite a difficult time getting pregnant. They must have had to exercise a lot of faith in the promise of the Lord that they would have a great posterity. And the Lord clearly wanted to bless them, otherwise He wouldn’t have promised Abraham, Isaac, or Jacob that they would have seed as innumerable “as the stars of the heaven” (Gen 26: 4). And if there is one thing we can count on, it is that God keeps His promises.

Many times I have felt as Rachel did who demanded of her husband, “give me children or else I die” Genesis 30:1.

I feel like I have tried every one of their tactics: pray, plead, cry out in anguish, and make promises to the Lord in exchange for a child. I guess I haven’t gotten really old like Sarah and Elisabeth, although I really don’t think I could handle having a child when I am 100 yrs old. So I don’t know that I want to try that approach. I think that is one thing I would pray to not have happen.

I guess for now I will take the advice in Galations 4:27, “Rejoice, thou barren that bearest not”, while in the back of my mind I will remember when one woman’s prayers were answered as depicted in one of my favorite scriptures: And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb.” Gen 30:22

God is aware of each of us, and the trials we are going through. That is one thing I am certain of.

so happy

Right now i am so happy with my insurance company. I will just leave it at that. I was dancing around the house i never thought I would do that after getting some information from them. There's always a first for everything :)

A nice night

I had a very relaxing and peaceful evening. I was making this fun sock creation and my husband was playing the guitar. And it was just nice.

A good start to the day

I am always happier when I am well rested. I woke up this morning at 4:45 am. Yep, you read that right. I don’t typically sleep in until 10 am like my previous post. But it wasn’t so bad b/c I actually went to bed at a decent hour. By 5:20 I was at the gym huffing and puffing it on a treadmill. There is something about exercise that is just awesome. I love how I feel when I exercise. And I have the goal of at least getting a small arm muscle (have never had), and I dream of having a six pack someday. I know, it is a pie in the sky idea, but crazier things have happened. Between you and me, I really think I have the start of a small muscle on my arm. Just look really close and then you might see a small bump.

I think I am actually exercising with purpose now because I don’t have any future infertility treatments looming over my head. When you are going through treatments you can’t exercise, and then when you are in between treatments and trying to recover from the latest setback you are thinking, why bother, in a month I won’t be able to exercise again. Or if you do try to get in shape it is so frustrating to have to stop again and lose everything you worked for. I will tell you that I fell in love with Yoga this last year. You hear all sorts of theories as to how to improve your chances of getting pregnant. And they are just theories and good ideas. Sometimes a good idea is only a good as how far you can throw it. Anyhow, I knew yoga would help me at least relax and deal with the stress of it all. So I gave it a shot, and I came to love it. And it’s a really good workout, and I would feel great afterwards. As my husband said, “I was centered” People never believe how great yoga is until they actually do it.

Right around the time I was doing yoga, I found some sock monkey yoga pajamas. I love sock monkeys and I love yoga, and wearing those pjs brought me a little piece of happiness during that time. I think they were made just for me.

I went to the doctor and all I got was a huge hole in my bank account

You've seen those T-shirts in tourist shops and airports. "My grandma when to Europe, and all I got was this crummy T-shirt"

That is how I feel at times when I am dealing with insurance companies and paying my infertility bills with nothing to show for it. If I had a viable pregnancy or even better a real live child, dealing with the bills would still be a headache and a stress, but I think I would be able to handle it a bit better.

I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent on the phone with insurance companies. And word to the wise, if you are lucky enough to have insurance cover a portion of your infertility treatments, make sure you cross every "T" and dot every "I" because inevitably there will be some loophole you missed and you will still be out quite a bit of money.

You need to check and see if you doctor is covered, and usually get preauthorization for it.

But don't think that's it. Make sure the lab is covered.

Oh, and then make sure the hospital or facility is covered, along with the anesthesiologist that will come with if if you are doing IVF.

And then hope, but don't get your hopes up too high, that the insurance company will process all of the claims correctly. Because if not you will be explaining and reexplaining your insurance coverage to a myriad of well meaning people who will send your claim to reprocessing only to have it not reprocessed correctly. Oh the joys of having infertility insurance-and it is a joy because I know without it our dreams of having children would be that much smaller.

But just remember to "pack your patience" (as my husband and I say when going on an airline trip) when dealing with this aspect of infertility.

Create

I can find joy in making things. I am definitely not the craftiest person, but when I do make something, whether it be a tasty treat, a sock monkey, or take a good photograph. There is something about the act of creating something that wasn't there before that just makes me feel happy.

This video clip depicts my feelings on this subject.

Create

I think that is why in someways infertility can be so difficult. Because I have the desire to love and nurture children and create a happy and wonderful home. And for whatever reason, my dreams of having children has not come to fruition. It can be frustrating and debilitating and all consuming and quite unhealthy at times.

So through this journey of infertility I realized that really all I wanted was to be happy in the place where I was at. I quickly realized that I was not in control of the situation, and I slowly realized that I could become happy despite the setbacks to my charted course in life. And when I took time to create something: be it a crafty outward thing, or a more internal thing like a kind word or deed. That was when I felt happiness and peace.

After spending so many years of my life focused on creating a child, I now hope to start a new chapter in life and create and fulfill my other life goals.

Still Looking...

I went to church today and I came away with a little nugget of truth that I think will help me in my quest to find joy.

This is it: "true doctrine understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior" Boyd K. Packer

There are a lot of behaviors and attitudes in myself that I want to change. (I don't think I need to divulge all of my secrets here.)

But I realized that some things had been slipping of late. I was not taking as much time to adequately study the gospel of Jesus Christ through prayer, scripture study, or meditation. And then when I did take the time, I was not all that well engaged.

I realized that I needed to let the doctrine of Christ's love and teachings sink deeper into my life and then I would feel happier and experience more joy.

Thinking on that brought me joy. And helped me formulate a plan to help me in studying and understanding true doctrine, and thus help me in my quest to feel joy.

A good book

is like a good friend to me. I love, but also hate, when I get into a book. I have the best day just reading and reading, but then because I have not conquered the ability to step away from a book once I get into it I feel bad b/c nothing else around the house got taken care of. No housework, no dinner made, nothing. But who cares, because I got to read a good book, right? Yep, that's right.

emails from old friends

It is always nice to get an email or letter from a friend. The mailbox--both physical and cyber mail box is usually filled to the brim with junk mail or bills, that sometimes you don't even bother checking it. So tonight when I received an email from an old friend it was so great. It was so nice to know that someone was thinking about me and I really appreciated it.

Sleep is my friend

I woke up today at 10 am. It was glorious. Sure, I felt like I had missed out on half the day, but my body felt so happy. After work yesterday I was so tired. I was short on patience as my husband was trying to do our January budget at 9:30 last night. I just couldn't handle being peppered with questions about how much our property tax was, or how much we needed to pay in medical expenses, or when the car insurance was due. And yes, I got a little crabby.

Then I went to bed.

And today I feel refreshed, happy, and ready to enjoy the weekend.

Kindness

Sometimes you never know what a kind act will do.

I felt like I should call a random person (a couple that recently moved to the area) this evening to make sure they knew about some crazy winter weather heading our way. The thought just popped into my head to do it, but my brain kept trying to kick it out, but the thought kept coming back. So then, I started to worry that I would feel really bad is something happened to them with the weather and I hadn't checked in on them. And then my brain started to try to tell me that now I was being completely ridiculous b/c not only did I not really know the people I was thinking of calling, but obviously, they were smart people and would be fine, and didn't reallly need my help.

So then I didn't know what to do.

So I decided to just call them, and if they thought I was stupid, then fine, that's okay, I didn't really know them anyway.

So, I called, and left a msg, sent and email, and that was that. Maybe they'll think I'm odd, but if they do, they won't be the first and certainly not the last that think that of me.

At any rate, as soon as I hung up the phone and sent the email I felt so happy and was glad I had reached out and showed concern for them.

As I reflected on this experience I realized that even if they didn't need anyone to reach out, just the fact that I did, affected me and helped me feel good about myself and helped me feel happy. Which was good, b/c as I was driving home from work today I was trying to think of what I had done today that helped me feel joy, and now I had done something.

Finding Joy in...

Exercise!

As hard as it is to get out of the house and do it, once I get to the gym or get outside I am so happy I did. I feel so much better about myself and life in general when I am exercising.

I was on the phone today with insurance people about my infertility claims, and let me tell you , I know it is a real blessing to have infertility benefits, but sometimes after talking to these people on the phone time after time, it really makes you want to scream and pull your hair out, and I wonder if I would be better off paying out of pocket for all of this. They make me crazy. Anyhow, after another frustrating hour on the phone with them, I went to work out and it made life seem much better.

Happiness is...

...when my husband comes home.

I came home early from our Christmas vacation b/c I had to work, and my husband stayed behind to spend a few more days with his family. But today he rejoined me, I drove into the garage and he was there acting crazy. He wanted me to stop the car halfway in the garage so he could put new windshield wipers on. I was so confused, but he said, you said you needed some new ones right? Yes, that's true, but I never would've thought he would be doing that right now. It was a bit random, but that is the type of person my husband is. You never know when he will feel like completing the "honeydew" list, but when he does, don't try to stop him.

Barfing, Envy, Coming to Terms

What do all of these things have in common?

I have no idea.

I hate when I have to barf. Last night I felt sick to my stomach like I needed to puke, but couldn't, when finally I followed my husband's advice to stick 2 fingers down my throat and get it over with. Never before had I done that, but it worked. And I felt better.

Now on to envy. One thing I hate about blogs is that when I read other people's blogs they seem to be having a great life. Everything is super great for them, and I feel so inadequate or wonder why don't I have the talent or abilities that some of these people have? And I hate myself for it and I hate others for having those abilities and utilizing them. I'm sure I could do great things, but for whatever reason I need to learn to be content with the tiny spot of earth God has asked me to tend. I often feel like a "worker ant" just carrying crumbs to and fro, knowing I am part of something big, but sometimes wishing I could be the star for just a short moment in time.

Next up, coming to terms. I happened to click on the cjane enjoy it blog button that one of my friend's blogs has and I of course was envious of her and her success. I want to be a writer and a great photographer and here she had both. Why her, why not me? I know she has had a tough life, her sister was in a plane crash (I read nie nie-might ring a bell), but still, that wasn't helping. Then I happened to click on her "about me" icon and I was struck by the fact that she had experienced infertility and had decided to blog because as she wrote, "In 2005, I Courtney Jane decided to start a blog because I heard that blogging made dreams come true. And oh boy, I wanted a baby. When I wasn't pregnant after my fourth month posting, and with a daily serving of people telling me to "just enjoy" our child-less state, I moved to make my blog proof that I found joy in infertility." I couldn't believe this when I read it, and in that moment I felt normal again. I felt that here I had a chance to be happy, (not holding out for the pregnancy part). And a small part of my envy and sadness slipped away.

I was at church today and everyone was talking about how last year was a tough year, and I realized that so many people are fighting a hard battle. And probably this next year will still be a tough year for me and many others. I will hope for rainbows and ponies, but will not be surprised if I have to settle for lucky charms and ponytail hairdos as the highlights of my days.

I wonder, does anyone ever envy me? That would be interesting to know. Because if they did, I would just tell them they were off their rocker, and that there was no reason to be jealous of me. In thinking of that it reminds me of church a little bit. At church everyone is dressed in their Sunday best and it is easy to be envious of one another because everyone looks great. But under the surface everyone is struggling. Some have issues in their marriages, some have problems with their kids, or kids with their parents, or health problems, infertility, financial uncertainty, loneliness, etc. You name, someone's got it. Everyone is dealing with something. No one has a perfect life. But you don't see it, all you see is how they seem to have it all put together for those few hrs each week, and if you are not careful, you create a warped sense of who they are in connection with who you are. We all just put on a pretty face and try to get through life as best we can. I guess it really does just come down to how you act and react to your individual trials and situations.

I guess life is a lot like barfing sometimes. You can sometimes feel so sick to your stomach tired of life, but once you go through the trial and experience, supposedly you feel better. (At least that's what I've heard--j/k, I know that's true, it is just hard to remember sometimes)

Today I was thinking about the scripture, "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25) I thought, what was he thinking, seriously? Did Adam really think he would be helping us have joy by partaking of the forbidden fruit and enabling us to experience mortality and all the trials that come with it? Well, whether he did or didn't know what he was doing, God did. He provided us with a Savior who would make it possible for us to repent and be forgiven and experience joy in mortality. God wants us to be happy, that if for sure. And that is how I came to terms with that scripture and my life as I know it today.

01/02/2010

This was another fun date to write, confusing, but fun to think about how both backwards or forwards it was the same. Today I found joy in working with good people. As busy as work can be, it is nice to know I am working with some really great people who have become my friends.

We spend about 1/2 our life with coworkers so it is important to be able to work with them and an added bonus when you enjoy being with them.

I also found joy in reading an article (Ensign Jan 2010: The Best Is Yet to Be Jeffrey R. Holland) in my church's magazine. I really liked it, and I felt joy and peace as I read it and reflected on how it could help me in my life.

And then, last, but not least, I just received an email from my husband with a beautiful picture. It helped me feel loved and so happy to be a part of his life.

Happy New Year 01/01/10

That is a fun date to write. I kept getting it mixed up all day on documents I was writing on. I had a great day, a busy day with work, but great at the same time.

I met some fun people today. As a nurse, I am always interacting with different people, and it is nice to run into some really wonderful people. One man was a total crack up. Everything was a joke to him. When I knocked on the door to go in his wife's room he said, welcome, come on into our mansion. I told him, "I like what you've done to the place" (it was just a normal hospital room), he laughed and laughed. The whole day was like that, all day I enjoyed walking into that room and really appreciated his sincere handshake at the end of their stay thanking me for the care his family had received while there.

Later, on my way home I stopped at the grocery store. I like going through the old school checkout as opposed to the self check b/c for one thing, I can just stand there, and secondly, I get to talk to the young teenagers working there. There are so genuine and fun to talk to. The bagger was wearing pink gloves and asked me if I liked them, I told him, no, not really, he laughed and said, well my manager gave them to me to wear today. We chatted back and forth, then he took one off and said he would go MJ (michael jackson) style, I told him, that would be much cooler. He laughed.

I had a great day interacting with people and felt happy to be alive.