Riding off into the Sunset

I never like to be one to be wishy washy, and usually when I make a decision I go with it.  Which is why I now need to tell you that my decision to come out of retirement was a mistake.  My posting last week was based on emotion.  Perhaps saying I was finished blogging made me miss blogging if just for a moment.  Various posts about the ALI community and the drop off of those who are pregnant or parenting also made me feel as though I wanted to add to the conversation.  

But as I analyzed the “why” I was going to blog again, the benefits and reasons to not blogging outweighed (for me) the reasons to blog.  I just don’t have the time.  I want to be present in my son’s and husband’s lives.  And when I came back to thinking about blogging, I had blog posts running through my head and I kept wanting to come check my blog and see if anyone had stopped by, etc.  To everything, there is a time and a season, and right now, I am focusing on real life efforts of homemaking, mothering, and enjoying every busy and quiet moment I am given.  Those quiet moments are few and far between, and there are so many other things I want to do with my time in those quiet moments. 

I began my blog because as stated recently, I was struggling to find joy in the daily moments of my life because I didn't want the pain and anguish of IF to derail me in my efforts to be happy.  My husband and I were moving towards the path of adoption, and I wanted and knew that my heart needed to heal.  My faith was fragile, my outlook jaded, and I was tired of feeling that way.  This blog and all of you who followed me in my journey helped me in my efforts and desires to find joy.  I am so appreciative to all of you for your kind words and helping me feel that I was not alone.  So you might think I am turning my back on the ALI community by leaving my blog behind, but I don’t think I am. 

Because I am not blogging doesn’t mean I am not thinking about you who are still in the trenches.  I can still stop by your blogs, cheer you on, add some words of comfort, or share a joke or two.  

So as this blog rides off into the sunset I thought I would share one final quote that I recently heard that I liked—

“Our impact is less likely to emanate from the pulpit—more often it will occur in one-to-one relationships, or in small groups where we can have an impact on an individual.”  (Neal A Maxwell)  All of you who took time to read and comment on my blog have impacted and helped me.  Thank you.

“The only person you need to compare yourself to is the one you were before”  (just saw this quote on FB, don’t know where it came from)  It is so easy to compare ourselves and our circumstances to others who have different strengths and weaknesses rather than just comparing ourselves to ourselves and seeing how much progress we have made. 

One of the first posts I wrote included a picture of a sunrise, so I think it is fitting that as I thought about this post, the view of a sunset came to mind.  We start this journey of being parents with the excitement and beauty of a sunrise, only to find ourselves in the middle of a miserable day that seems like it will never end.  But then all of a sudden, the most amazing sunset appears on the horizon and we realize all is well, and that the difficulties we went through were worth it because we got to experience and see this amazing site.  Eventually the day ends and we have a new day, a new opportunity to tackle different problems and experience new joyful moments.  That is how I feel at this time about this blog and the IF chapter in my life.  It was a day, a beautiful and difficult day, but one that ended with a sunset and vista more amazing than I could ever have imagined.   

Coming out of Retirement

I'm back!!  Did you miss me?  

I kindof feel like Michael Jordan or Brett Farve.  Announcing my retirement from blogging, only to immediately have a change of heart.  Granted, my return to blogging will not get nearly as much press as the previously mentioned sports stars did, but nevertheless I am glad to be back.

Why the exit?

Why the return?

Brevity in blogging has never been my strong suit, but I will try to do my best.

I stopped blogging because…

            -I didn’t want to throw salt in anyone’s wounds here in the IF world as I gushed about my good fortune of becoming a mother and how much I love it.

            -I'm kind of a private person and keep a lot to myself.  Therefore, it has always seemed a little strange to think that anyone—even acquaintances (it took me about 5 minutes to spell that word correctly) or one of the handful of people that leave a bad taste in my mouth could read my blog and know all about me without my knowing about it.  And now that I have a child, the internet and cyberspace seem even bigger, thus adding to my reluctance to share very much.
           -Also, very few people IRL know about this blog, and I have worried that if people I know IRL stumble upon my blog, they might be hurt that I didn't tell them about it.  To which I reply, I meant no harm, this is just a place where I ramble.  Now that you have found me, you are welcome to stay.  

I had decided to return because…

            -I like you guys

            -Recent blog posts have helped me to see that maybe I still have some words of wisdom and wit that I can write that might help new moms, experienced moms, those still struggling to build their families, or those just struggling with other difficulties that come our way in life. 

            -I don’t want the vastness and unknown part of cyberspace to negatively affect my desires to reach out and befriend those of you with whom I can only do so thanks to the amazing technology of the internet.

To there you have it.  I’m back.  Don’t know how often I will write, or how often I will be able to read your blogs, (I have a wild and wiggly toddler at the moment, who every time I am on the computer feels compelled to get me off of it.  And I am glad he does, because spending time with him is so much more rewarding then pinning crafts and cleaning tips on virtual boards, only to never do them.  Guilty)

I try to write in my journal every other night.  I write “one line a day”, but it often is more than one line.  Also, I do it on my i.Phone, so those lines are quite short, thus I write about 20 lines a day.  I started doing it a few months ago, because it seemed like El Guapo was doing so many fun and exciting things, and while I was sure I would never forget them, I would hate to be wrong and not have a backup plan.  And I never quite got around to putting the pen to the paper, or sitting at the computer and writing.  So writing on my phone works pretty well for me.  Anyhow, since I didn’t do it tonight, I will share with you some of my favorite and memorable moments from today.

Went to the park twice.  Lucky guy, lucky me.  Seriously, the weather was amazing, felt like I was on a tropical vacation with a  nice breeze.  I could imagine the ocean lapping on the beach and the palm trees swaying.  Loved it.  Anyhow, (see it is much longer than “one line”), El Guapo knows some sign language – more and please are his favorites.  Mine too; he is so cute when he does them.  :D Maybe I will share a video of him doing it.  Anyhow, so he did it today while on the teeter totter. He does it so fast and it just makes me laugh. 

Traumatizing moment of the day.  I ran over a squirrel.  I was so traumatized, I had just run over a squirrel--eww.  It darted out so fast, I didn’t have a chance to avoid it.  I heard and felt the car crunch and thump over it and then while I was freaking out, I looked out the rear view window and saw the squirrel twitching as I drove away.  Bleh.  I felt terrible.  Meanwhile I had just called my hubby on the phone and he picked up while I was freaking out—he was sure confused.  That was the first and hopefully last time I contribute to the road kill on the streets.  Just thinking about it makes me get all squirmy. 

At times El Guapo tries my patience (as I am sure I try his).  He is a very determined little boy.  He knows what he wants, and like most of us, he likes to get his way.  Problem is, he can’t, and he doesn’t like that very much.  So he threw a few tantrums today, (wanted to play in the sink full of water, but I got tired of holding him and it was nap time, hates diaper changes, wants to eat everything in sight, doesn’t want to wear his bib when he eats , etc. (but when he rips it off before realizing there is more yummy food he wants, it is hilarious to watch him try to shove it back under his neck—makes me laugh every time).  I was feeling exhausted and beat, but after a second trip to the park on this fabulous breezy day and watching my hubby feed El Guapo (via crazy airplane mode) I was feeling better.   Papa went to a meeting after dinner, and El Guapo and I had a great time playing hide and go seek, reading books, chasing each other, and running around.  A great end to a great day.

On that note, I will end this rambling very long post.  

Adios Amigos

In case anyone even checks in here anymore, I thought I would take a moment to formally bid you all farewell.  I just don't really have anything to add to this blog.  Life is good.  I don't struggle with the pain of infertility.   Adoption is how I build my family.  I continue to strive to find joy and happiness in each new day.  And with a little one in the home, that happens multiple times a day.  El Guapo is so wonderful.  I love him so much.  He is so fun, and so happy.  Each day is a new adventure for him.  He fills my heart and my life with joy.

Hopefully a little señorita or other muchacho will join our family and the love and joy will only multiply.  Life is good.  I think of many of you often and hope life is treating you well and hope those of you who are still yearning to start or add to your families will be able to do so soon.  I thank all of you for helping me through a difficult time in my life and hope I was able to lend support and help to some of you as well.  I check your blogs as time permits, and am always hopeful to hear good news on your end.

Chao

Articles on Infertility

So it recently came to my attention that an article I wrote for my church's magazine a long time ago was published online.  I really don't tell you this to get attention for myself.  There are other articles written by others who have struggled with infertility.  And maybe something they, or even little old me, have written might be of some help.  I wrote this article prior to our adoption,  (it was a long process to have it approved and then published--the published date was this last spring)

Here are the links to the site
Faith and Infertility  and then if you click on the link at the top under additional experiences it takes you to the link below
Faith and Infertility an Online Ensign Exclusive
And this is the link to my article:  Mending My Broken Heart

There you go, some heavy reading material.  Not for the faint of heart  :)

Christmas pics

I just posted an update on my other blog if you want to see pics from Christmas.

No pregnancy horror story here

Today I was at the park with several other moms and their kids.  And as often happens, the conversation eventually led to everyone sharing their pregnancy horror stories and why they weren't quite ready to have more kids.  I obviously didn’t have much to add to the conversation as I have not been pregnant and am not anticipating a pregnancy.  And El Guapo runs around quite a bit at the park, while the other moms have girls who are a little calmer.  And this park has a duck pond where El Guapo loves trying to catch the ducks and run into the pond after them, so I wasn’t able to really stand around and chat.  El Guapo and I eventually made our way back to the swings and as I pushed him and another little girl in the swings I could imagine how it would be to have two kids.  So with a smile, I told the group, “Well, I’m ready for two kids”.  I also told them it sounded like I got the better end of the deal and that I hadn’t missed out on anything by not being pregnant. 

It is funny, because while in the thick of infertility treatments, when I would see a pregnant lady I used to think I was really missing out.  But I don’t think that at all anymore.  I can’t even really imagine being pregnant, it just isn’t part of my life story, and that’s just fine with me.  When the topic turns to pregnancy woes I often think of El Guapo’s birth mother and how much I admire and love her for all that she went through to bring El Guapo into the world. 

I also wonder about the future and what it holds for our family.  I wonder what our second child’s birth mother’s pregnancy and birth story will be.  And I can only hope that pregnancy and child birth will treat her more kindly than it did to the moms who were swapping stories at the park today.  

I was also reminded of this quote "Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own.  Never forget, not for a minute, You weren’t born under my heart--but in it."

Fleur Conkling Heyliger

While my children are not "born under my heart", they are definitely "born in it".  And that my friends, is one of the beautiful things about adoption.  No pregnancy horror story, just all the love and happiness that comes with arrival of a new member of the family  :D

I can hardly wait!

Big NEWS my friends,

Our adoption profile is live.  Granted, it just barely happened, so hardly anyone knows, but I know, and I just let a few people know and now that I have done that I can hardly contain my excitement.  I just want to tell everyone that soon we will have another little bundle of joy.

Aaaaaaaah!  I can hardly wait.  Deep breath.  I have no idea how long or how soon till we adopt again, but now that our profile is up, it is like it could happen any day.  I won't think about the fact that it might not happen for awhile, or that sometimes these things don't work out.  Right now I will find joy in this feeling of excitement and anticipation of the arrival of another little baby to our home and to my arms.

I just took that moment.  It was wonderful.  This definitely calls for a celebration!

p.s.  this is the link to our profile.  Feel free to spread the word that we are hoping to adopt again.

Also, you will see that in the profile and in my new family blog, I refer to El Guapo by name.  I would ask that you still refer to him here as El Guapo, as the profile and blog will be closed out after the adoption is finalized, and I want to keep his cyber footprint as small as possible :D

My monkey

Last week I took my little monkey to a trunk or treat.  As you can see, he had a fabulous time.  He is such a joy to have in my life.  I am thinking of all of you who are still yearning for children.  I know holidays can be so hard when all you want is to be able to share them with a little one.

Birthday Boy

El Guapo is 1 yr old!  We had a good time celebrating with a few friends--we all enjoyed watching El Guapo eat his cupcake.  I will let the pictures tell the story.  He also liked his presents--trucks, balls, monkey costume, etc.

the cupcakes

the cake

El Guapo is ready to get that cupcake

Down the hatch

Yum, this is good.

Ice cream too?  Yippee

My chocolately boy

Enjoying his new truck

In his monkey costume

That's all folks.  

"He could be your son"

"Well that's good, because he is."

The more I have thought about this recent conversation I had with an acquaintance of mine, the more I have mixed emotions about it.

I feel bad about it.  I also feel a little frustrated and tired of the "he looks just like you" comment.  And I just wish this innocent conversation and comment had gone better.

El Guapo was in his stroller, and when Jen* (not her real name, there are a million zillion Jen's out there, so  I figured that was a good name to use) came up to say hello.  And don't get me wrong, this is a really nice person, and I don't want her to feel bad if she ever somehow came across this post.  Anyhow, so she said hi to El Guapo and asked how he was doing.  I told her that he was almost walking, and we were doing good.  Then she said, "I can't believe how much he looks like you, he could be your son."

Side note--for some reason, I have never really understood this comment.  And I get it a lot.  Because, yes, El Guapo and I do have the similar skin color, and we both have dark eyes and dark hair.  But that's where our similarities stop.  And that is perfectly fine with me.  I don't know when people say this if they are trying to make me feel better about adoption--to which I feel perfectly fine and great about adoption and having a child that looks different than me.  Or is this just one of the first thing that pops into people's head when they don't know how to respond to the fact that you have a child who happens to be adopted.  I don't know.

I always just say, yeah, he does look a little like me, but not so much like his dad.  (my hubby is pretty fair skinned).   And then I usually say, that he actually looks a lot like his birth parents--which he does.  I really don't think he looks at all like me.  And why would he?

Anyhow.  After Jen told me that El Guapo could be mine son, I replied as stated above, that, actually, he was my son.  I didn't mean anything by it, and I think it was just a knee jerk reaction and that I responded that way b/c she said he could be my son.  She felt really bad, and started apologizing profusely and saying, "Of course he's your son", and "I am so sorry".   I told her not to worry about it, and that I didn't mean to make her feel bad.  And I meant it.  I told her the same stuff about how he doesn't look like my hubby and that I was just joking (b/c I was actually joking and laughing when I told her that it was good he could be my son, b/c he was my son).

This is quite a long ramble.  But I just felt like writing about it.  I will just leave the conversation where it is and hopefully when I run into Jen again, she won't feel awkward--but I think she might.  "sigh"

Here we go again...

We are in the process of completing our application to begin another adoption.  It mostly exciting, but it also makes me a little nervous and overwhelmed.  Nervous because there are so many other people hoping to adopt, and as I let that nervousness overwhelm me I can't help but wonder, how in the world will we be chosen again?  But at the same time I am hopeful and excited because I know it can happen.  Our little boy fit into our family just perfectly, so I have confidence that when the time is right, the right baby will be placed with us.

So now, I better get work on our application.  Thankfully we don't have to fill out as much paperwork as before, but it is still a process.  I will let you know when our application goes live.  It is probably still a few weeks out because we need to have another home visit, get reference letters sent in, and do a few other things.  But it is exciting that things are moving in the right direction.

Getting close

El Guapo is almost 1 year old.  I am excited to celebrate this special day with him.  This year has flown by and has been so fun.  It is amazing how much a little baby changes and grows in one year.  El Guapo has such a fun personality and is a joy to be around.  He makes friends where ever we go, and gives the best hugs and smiles.

I am not a very good party planner, so I am a little nervous about that.  I think we will just do something ultra small w/ a few friends and family.  We also have a small house so it doesn't lend itself to big groups and lots of kids.  But I think having a small get together is more my speed anyway.

I really want to make a cute cake, I have been looking on the internet for ideas, and have seen some cute ones.  Here is a link to one site that has some fun ones.  http://www.parenting.com/node/122102  Of course, I like the monkey one.   But I also like the football and dump truck ones.  I just want to make them all  :)  Good thing, there will be many more birthdays to come.  


And now some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

Where Oh Where Have I Been?

I have been here and there.  I have been busy with my little sidekick, and then I went on a fabulous vacation to Alaska  :D

I seem to have lost my blogging mo jo.  I don't quite know what I feel like writing about.  I look at your blogs, and comment occasionally, but for the most part, I have taken a sabbatical.

I am so happy for those of you that have success in your efforts of having children, and my heart aches for those of you who continue to experience setbacks and loss.

Pregnant ladies at the pool playdate

* I will also refer to "my little guy" as "El Guapo"  (Handsome)

Last week I took El Guapo to the pool for a little playdate with some other families that go to our church.  A lot of people are out of town because it is so hot here, so only 3 other ladies were there with their kids.  It just so happened that all of them are very pregnant. 

Well, one of the ladies had just moved into the area, so we were talking and getting to know one another.  She asked about El Guapo, including how old he was, and when his birthday would be.  I told her it was in the fall.  She then told me that she was due with her 2nd baby in the fall.  She proceeded to tell me, how she was already so hot and didn't know how she would make it through this hot summer being pregnant.  Then, the best part was, she said, "but you know how that is, if your baby was born in the fall."  

Ha ha ha.  I just laughed and said, "Actually, I don't"  :)  And I told her that my husband and I had adopted El Guapo.  

It was pretty funny.  I got a good laugh over it.  

We then talked a little about the adoption, and enjoyed the rest of our pool time.  

Strange, but true

Yesterday I went shopping--alone.

My little sidekick was at home hanging with his grandma while I was kicked out of the house.  It was very strange to be out on my own.  I just wandered around the stores taking my time.  It felt really weird.  I was reminded of how I used to feel before my little guy came along.  I was really bored.  Maybe another time I will love the free time.  Maybe because I didn't really have any errands I needed to get done and I was really just wasting time waiting until I could go back home that I felt the way I did.  Because I have left my little guy with others in the past and haven't felt the way I did yesterday. Though, I will admit, it did make it a bit easier to shop.  :)

Oh, and I think my little guy is finally finished with his bout of barfing and diarrhea.  Hallelujah.  This was one first (first sickness), that I didn't enjoy.  I have done way too much laundry for my liking this week.  And I have missed going to the pool during this heatwave we have been having.  But, I definitely didn't want to be the one with the kid who made the water murky, so we have steered clear of the pool this last week.

Sick :(

My little guy has been sick the last few days.  It is so sad.  Yesterday I decided to run a few errands, and less than 10 min after entering my first store, I looked down, and my little guy had barfed all over himself and his carseat/stroller.  Since then he has barfed a few more times and had a lot of diarrhea.  I happened to have a well child checkup visit scheduled for him today so that worked out well.

He barfed while at the doctor's office right before I had put him back in his newly cleaned carseat.  Thank goodness he didn't barf in it, it was difficult to take apart, clean, and then the hardest part was remembering how to put it all back together again.

My little guy has been a trooper though.  He is hanging in there, and hopefully will get some sleep tonight and feel better soon.

Showing off his teeth

I finally managed to get a decent picture of my little guy's two bottom teeth.  They may be small and cute, but beware, if you stick your finger in his mouth you will learn that they are also very sharp.

Would you like some juice?

I like this picture I took of my little guy today.  I know it's nothing fancy, but it reminds me of the fun time we had together today.   My little guy has a new hobby.  It involves chasing the empty juice bottle as it rolls around under my kitchen floor, and then occasionally trying to see if he can get any juice out of it even though the lid is on.  He is so much fun to have around.

Busy Week

Well I had another busy week.  My little guy is quite the explorer these days.  We have been working on baby proofing our house, which will probably be an ongoing process for the next while.
Just when we thought his crib was low enough, he learned how to stand up in it.
My little guy likes to shove anything and everything in his mouth.  I prefer him to stuff food in it, but he likes the non edible items as well.

But the funniest is how he likes to lick everything.  He especially likes to lick the kitchen floor and refrigerator.  It is hilarious.  But it also requires me to try to keep my house spick and span--not an easy task.

Just a reminder, there is still time to enter the giveaway and read my review about the Baby Orajel® Naturals teething gel.  Click on this link to view it.

The pain of miscarriage

Last night I read about my dear friend Augusta's miscarriage.  As sadness filled my heart I have thought what can I do?  What can I say?  How can I convey my love and concern for her, her husband, and her friend who donated a precious egg who are all mourning this loss?

I suppose I will simply write that my heart goes out to her and to all who had such hope and joy in the arrival of their child.  As I mourned this loss I returned to the age old question of:  Why?  To which I say, I don't know.  I only hope there will be people close to Augusta and her husband who can be sensitive and kind to them during this painful time in their life.

I did read a few articles from my church's website this morning about miscarriage, that helped me learn more about the pain it brings.  I also read an article about one woman's story of what she learned while bedridden during a pregnancy that ultimately resulted in a miscarriage.  I will add those links should anyone like to read them.

Easing the pain of miscarriage: How can you help when a loved one is suffering?
The unconfined heart: sometimes our struggles increase our ability to care

Augusta has such a big heart and has been a dear friend to me on my blog.  In fact, while she is mourning her loss, she still visited my blog to comment on a recent post about my little boy.  She is strong, compassionate, and kind.  I hope you will visit her blog and let her know you care about her.