The Nursery

I realized I never showed you pictures of the nursery.  My brother did an amazing job in pulling everything together.  I love our little guy's room.  We of course decided to go with a monkey, zany, fun theme, so he can enjoy this room for many years. 

This hangs above his crib.  My brother came up with the amazing idea of having a monkey vine for all of the monkeys to hang from.

I like the dog hooks under the mirror on the edge of the photo.

I also like the barrel of monkeys we have hanging from the ceiling fan.

I have also put some monster vinyls decals on the wall by the chair that match the pillow and fill the space nicely.

this is his changing pad on top of his dresser, with more monkeys to look at.

Not a stellar picture of us, but I wanted to show the cool light we have in the room and the finger puppets behind my husband.  I collect them and like to keep a few in my bag when a kid is restless and needs something fun to play with.  My brother came up with this fun way to display them all.

A close up on some of the finger puppets.

It is such a fun room to spend time in.  I love how it turned out. 

Baby Steps

We met up again with the birth parents this weekend.  We went out to dinner and had a nice time chatting and getting to know one another a bit more.  They are really great people.  I felt good about how everything was going.  I felt at peace, excited, and joyful.

I felt those same feelings this morning on my run.

Then I started to get nervous.  Nervous that things wouldn't work out.  Nervous that our meeting hadn't gone as well as I thought.  I talked with my hubby a bit and that helped.  He reminded me, "It's out of our hands."  At this point there is nothing we can do.  If things don't work out, then they don't work out.  While I realize that, that is one of the reasons it is scary and I feel nervous.  I want to be in control.  I want to make sure everything works out.  Aaaaah.   Deep breath.

I tried to keep myself busy by cleaning and going to the grocery store.  My sister called and it was nice to be able to talk to her a bit.  Then my friend told me she was home and I could come pick up a crib and her rocking chair.  So I went and picked that up.  And now I am feeling a bit better.  I am about to head out to go to my sister in law's house to pick up some more baby stuff--car seat, pack n play, etc.

I have been so amazed at the outpouring of love and baby stuff from people when we tell them we are adopting.  I am so grateful to everyone for their help.  Our baby is going to be so loved and we will be able to tell him about everyone who was so excited about his arrival and how they helped us stuff his room full of the things we needed to take care of him.

I can do this.  It is just a few more weeks until I will be holding my little bundle of joy.

Wordless Wednesday: My cute little niece

This little niece of mine is so funny.  I just love hanging out with her.  The last time I saw her she wanted to have a dance party in her room.  So we cranked up the music and danced like crazy.  We had a blast.  It is one of those memories that will stick with me forever.  I wish I had my video camera with me that day.

I called her on the phone this week to say hello.  At first she didn't know who it was, but once she figured it out, she just started chatting away about her life.  She is so cute and this picture of her always make me smile.

Wordless Wednesday: My brother

I am so excited!  My brother said he is coming to visit me sometime soon!  

He is one of my favorite people in the whole world.  

Wonder what we are doing in these pictures?  We are "blind dancing" and celebrating at my wedding.  When you feel like dancing and don't have a partner, just go to the mini blinds and use the blind string.  It is so fun, and pretty hilarious.   

I think I might just do it now.  I am celebrating with this wonderful news that my brother is coming to town.  Join me, crank up some music and get down.  

I'm back:  just rocked out to "I Gotta Feeling" by Black Eyed Peas.  I love the line "jump off that sofa".  And yes, I jumped off the sofa.  It was like a regular dance party in here.

Super fun!

The cat's out of the bag

Ok, I took a big plunge and just sent a letter off to our families telling about you hopes of adopting.  I was a bit nervous about his step, but it had to happen, and we did it for the sake of helping our child's birthparents find us.  Nothing in this journey is like the fertile world's where you shout "SURPRISE, I'm prego!" Our timeline is much different than that.  When I was doing IVF everyone knew that in 2 weeks I would know if I was pregnant or not.  There was no surprise announcement.  Now with adoption, this announcement becomes completely different.  A part of me had secretly hoped I could just show up with my adopted baby and say "SURPRISE! Here we are!"  That would've been quite an announcement.  But that's not the way it works, and that's okay.

Anyhow, that was quite a long paragraph I wrote all about the fact that we sent this letter out.
Here is what we wrote:

Dear Family,

We wanted to write you a letter to let you know that R and I are pursuing adoption in hopes of bringing children into our family. 

We have an online profile on: www.itsaboutlove.org

The link to view this profile is: http://itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/24465858/ourMessage.jsf.

Fewer and fewer people are choosing to place their children for adoption.  When parents are determining who to place their child with, they look for people they feel will provide a wonderful home for their child.  Therefore, if someone they already know and trust can recommend a family to them, there is a greater chance they will choose to place their child with this family.  The more people are aware of our desire to adopt, the greater the likelihood our child’s birthparents will be able to find us.  In a nutshell, as with most things in life, it comes down to who you know.  :)

  

Therefore, if you feel you can recommend us as parents and wouldn’t mind informing your friends of our desire to adopt, we would appreciate it.  It is a little difficult for us to put ourselves out there like this, we are not big fans of mass email, and we have a hard time asking for help, but desperate times call for desperate measures.  :)

We appreciate you taking the time to read this letter and thank you for your sensitivity and understanding. 

Love,

J and R 

Grandpa Bill

I will miss you.

Grandpa Bill was my husband's grandpa, but he became mine the minute I became a part of his family.  I loved his laugh and his facial expressions.  It was always so fun to visit him.  He was so kind and funny.  He dealt with a lot of pain in the latter years of his life, but he endured it well and with a smile.  He had such love for his family.  I am so glad I knew him, he was such a wonderful person.

Family Fun

Well, everyone is gone, and I have the house to myself.  If I didn't sound like a smoker when I talked or constantly cough up green stuff among other symptoms, I might be able to enjoy my quiet home.

Everyone helped me clean up before they left so I am appreciating that today since I didn't have the energy to do anything.

It was fun to have everyone.  We had some good laughs.  It was fun to see the babies.  Twins are a lot of work.  Yikes.  I also had a newfound appreciation for my mom and the fact that she cooked and cleaned up after her 7 kids on a daily basis.  I was wiped out after a weekend.  I was proud of my meals though.  I worked hard to be a good host and I think the food turned out good and everyone had a good time.  One night we even ate outside on our patio.

I love the SPRING!

Measuring UP to Wonder Women

I was visiting with a friend today and we were talking about all of the talented ladies in our church.  Here is a list of their talents:

• photography, graphic design on the computer, gardening, composting, canning, (I went to a composting and canning workshop last week--crazy I know, but really interesting), wood working, cooking, crocheting, & sewing to name just a few of their talents.  

They are wonder women.  And sometimes when we take each of their talents it is easy to feel like a nobody and that we don't measure up.  But I figure they need someone to go to their classes and workshops, so that is my talent--Supporting them and learning from them.  The other nice thing is that all of these ladies are so willing to share their talents.  I guess I can teach everyone to turn their socks into monkeys and strange creatures.

When I was little, Wonder Woman was popular and my sister and I would pretend play.  Unfortunately, since there was only one Wonder Woman, and I was the younger sister, I was always Wonder Woman's sister.  So I guess that is what I get to do now,  be all of these Wonder Women's sister.  I guess that's better than nothing.

I wonder, (ha ha ha, no pun intended), if Wonder Woman will let me borrow her red boots.  They are pretty sweet.

Taco Champions of the World

Today we had a good friend over for dinner and we were declared the "Taco Champions of the World".

Our friend, is so great.  He always asks my husband, "how is your beautiful wife?"  and when holidays are coming around he encourages my hubby to buy me a scented candle.  He is so fun.

Anyhow, whenever we have him over to dinner we compare our food vs his mom's.  And so far we are doing pretty good.  He has declared our BBQ chicken pizza to be better than his mom's.  (But we can never tell her).  She has us beat on the banana bread.  But, we have now added another winning food to the list.  Our corn tortilla tacos with spanish rice was a winner tonight.

Our friend these last few weeks has been sampling the cuisine of a few of our other friends in the neighborhood and so we asked him who the best cooks are.  He was smart, and wouldn't answer that question.  So we rephrased it:  What has been one of his favorite meals that he has eaten in his friends' homes.  And guess what he said?!  Our tacos!!  We were ecstatic.  Mr. R and I were cheering, and hooting and hollering!  It was great.

Then we broke into song.  R started playing "We are the Champions" on his guitar and we changed the words to "We are the taco champions of the world".  It was so fun.

You can see Mr. R playing the guitar, and our friend started playing the drums using the pitcher and serving utensils.  

What a great night.  Loved it. 

I married a ham sandwich

Sometimes I really think I married 2 pieces of white bread w/ some ham and cheese in between.  My hubby can be so ridiculously funny sometimes.

We had a ton of snow the other day and now it's all melting.  Yesterday we were going to a church function and we were driving 2 other ladies to it.  On the way my hubby said, "have you guys seen the waterfall?"  We replied, "no",  and so he began to talk about how beautiful it was, etc.  Then as we were driving through a portion of the street that is under construction he said, "Look, there it is".

And, what a site it was.  In the middle of the street there really was a waterfall.  A beautiful 6 inches high waterfall was churning brown melted snow.  I wish I had brought a picnic lunch so we could spend the whole afternoon there.

It was hilarious.  The other ladies and I had a good laugh about it.  And of course, we had to pass by it again on the way home because I think this may quickly become one of the 7 natural wonders of our city.  And my ridiculous ham sandwich will be credited with discovering it.  I am so proud of him.

Blanket Drive and Infertility Conversation Stopper

Ok, so a few weeks ago a friend of mine started a blanket/coat drive for some homeless downtown that sleep on the street and won't go in the shelter.  So my hubby and I decided to that we hadn't talked to our neighbors in quite some time and would like to be more social with them.  So we decided to have some treats and invite them to participate in the drive.  (I am not a big party planner person--I think this is actually the first get together with a bunch of people I have ever organized.  I am not very confident in my hosting skills)  But it went well.  I had made a Texas sheet cake and some sugar cookies and they were very tasty.  People came, it was fun to catch up and people seemed genuinely happy that we had asked them to donate their coats and blankets.

And then it happened.  One guy asked another couple that recently moved in on our cul-de-sac, "do you have kids?"  They responded "yes, and their ages are blah blah blah."  Then the guy asked us,  (we have lived in our home for 5 yrs) "Hey when are you guys having kids?"  Just because he has a mouth, does that mean he has to use it to ask that question?  Obviously we don't have any now.  And we will have them when we have them.  So I tried to side step the question.  I said things like, "don't know, maybe there are some in the dishwasher there, wanna take a look."  Then my hubby, my sweet, dear, I love him, husband, said, "We want kids, but we're infertile."

Yeah.  Thanks.  I was mortified.  And then I got to hear all the lovely suggestions as to how to obtain a lovely child, since they were obviously experts having obtained some.  Here they were again as a refresher for all of us.  Maybe we should try some of them.  Uh, thanks, but no thanks.

1. Buy a 2 seater car (that was actually a new one for me)
2. Adopt a kid.  Followed by several people chiming in that they knew several people that that had happened to before--who had adopted only to then become pregnant.
3. Buy something really expensive
4. Buy a cute outfit, and then you'll be bummed that you can't fit into it.  
5. Followed by some 30 yr old saying, "yeah, I think my elementary school teacher had that problem"

Oh it was terrible.  

I think guys just view this infertility thing differently.  It is not as emotional maybe for them.  I don't know. I know it's hard for my hubby too.  But he just deals with it differently.  I really don't have too much of a problem talking about it, but I didn't expect it to just be presented out in the open like that to our neighbors.  I am more of a one on one person, and actually quite private.  I guess not anymore now that I have a blog.

Deep breath.

I kept it together, the party broke up shortly after that.  

We got a lot of blankets and coats which was very nice and generous of my neighbors.  And they are all very nice people.  Unaware of the plight of infertile people, but very nice people nonetheless.  

Then we went to over to my friend who had spearheaded this project and had a great time talking with her.  She is so funny and that was enjoyable.  So all in all, a good day.  Ended on a good note. It was memorable, that's for sure.  

Found Some Joy

I was still a bit sad and mopey in the morning and my plans for this afternoon had fallen through.  Then I remembered that there was also a baby shower going on today.  Which made me a little sad again.   I currently know 7 people that are pregnant right now and I've been able to be happy for them, but not so much today.  Two days ago I had the best time shopping for all of their baby shower presents and thought I had been cured.  I found a sweet 75% sale rack with the cutest clothes and went to town.  But today infertilitis struck again and I felt sick to my stomach with the thought of walking past a row of bellies.

I wanted to go to the shower because I wanted to be able to do a hard thing and find joy.  I didn't want to be a "sour grapes" person.  It's not their fault I'm infertile.  Even though nobody was expecting me to be there, I knew I could now go, and I felt that I really should.  My husband encouraged me to go.  He said, "get out there and find joy now.  Isn't that what you're blogging about?"  He is really ridiculous sometimes, aggravating, but ridiculous nonetheless.  So I went, and am happy to report that I did "find joy now".

The first 5 minutes was the hardest.  I walked in and almost walked right back out.  I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb.  The Sesame Street song, "one of these things is not like the other" came to mind.  The infertile one had arrived.  But I forced myself to mosey on over to the food table.  Then I side stepped the ladies that were talking to one of the 4 other pregnant ladies there about the highs and lows of maternity clothes and thankfully found a friend to talk to.  Then everything was good.  I talked to a few friends, had a few laughs and enjoyed myself.  I was proud of myself for going and getting through it.  Now it will be left to be seen if I ever attempt that feat again.

My journey

(sorry for the huge space above--i can't get it to go away)

I have been reflecting of late on what it was that helped me "turn the page" so to speak and become able to find joy and happiness in the deep abyss of infertility.  I think it was a combination of a lot of things, but a few things in particular stand out.

1. My husband.  He is truly one of a kind.  He is kind, patient, and so funny.  He is a true optimist.  Not much fazes him.  And while this could be aggravating at times when I just wanted to be so sad and keep crying my big hormonal crocodile tears, I always knew he would hold me for as long as it took and he would find some way to help me smile.  At times I relied on him so much.  I’m sure he can attest to that.  He took the brunt of my hormones and lived to tell the tale.  But he was with me every step of the way.  We had some really fun times in doctor’s waiting rooms.   Sure, there were some sucky times too, which is why I am steering clear of stirrups for the moment and not sure if I ever want my foot to touch one again.  I can just imagine if I ever go to a normal doctor and she asks, “When was your last pap smear?” I’ll reply, oh about 20 yrs ago.  She’ll ask why, and I’ll simply say, “I have a stirrupaphobia.”  (fear of stirrups—not yet listed as an actual phobia for some strange reason.  What is wrong with us, my infertile friends?  Am I the only one with stirrupaphobia?)  And then she will calmly write in her chart that I refused the pap smear and after I leave, her staff will talk and laugh their heads off about how crazy their last patient was.   So, my husband’s humor and love helped me continue to try to find the joy.  I realized that I’d rather laugh than cry about all of this craziness.  And as a result, I do look back on my experience thus far with some happiness.  

2. Humor.  I love The Far Side cartoons.  And in the beginning stages of my infertility journey I came across 2 of my now favorite cartoons.  They still hang on the wall of my craft room to bring a smile to my face when needed.  Due to Far Side's copyright laws, I can't post the cartoons.  But I will try to describe them.  The first one shows some devil in hell working people to the bone.  You can see the fire and brimstone and everyone is sweaty and glum faced.  Then here comes a guy whistling away as he is carting rocks in his wheelbarrow.  One of the devil says to the other devil:  "You know, we're just not reaching that guy."  I decided I could be that guy.  I wouldn't let the adversary and everything going on get me down.  I would just whistle away down here in infertility hell.  

The second one is awesome too.  Two chickens are chatting in their house and one of the chickens is at the fridge.  The door is open and filled with at least 4 dozen of her friend's eggs.  So the chicken tells her friend: "Well, here's your problem Marge--if you and Bob really want kids, next time try sittin' on these little guys."  I thought it was hilarious.  And the other great coincidence was that this cartoon was on my far side calendar and the day it fell on was on Rob and mine's wedding anniversary.  :)  Humor has became my secret weapon at combating the sadness of infertility. 

3.  And then I would have to say that my religion and belief system helped me.  I can still recall 3 key talks/quotes that helped me remember to view things in a different perspective. 


I have always liked this quote that President Hinckley ( a leader in my church) shared in a talk: 

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around and shouting that he has been robbed. The fact of the matter is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey...delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."  

“Come what may and love it” by Elder Wirthlin is another one of my favorite talks.  Every 6 months the leadership of my church speak to the church via satellite.  The talks are then put online to read or listen to again.  So I enjoy listening to these talks on my way to work and stuff.  Rob and I listened to this talk on the way to one of our infertility appointments and we were laughing so hard.  In this talk he teaches that “The way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life"  Here is the link if you want to read it. http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/lds_servlet/EmailArticleProcess?action=view&cmlId=613558&locale=0&emId=511691941

The other talk that really touched me during my first IVF cycle was: Happiness—Your Heritage.  In this talk Elder Uchtdorf inspired me to keep trying and realize that while I couldn’t create a child, I could create happiness in my life.  And because we are children of God, we inherited certain characteristics from Him that will help us be happy.   http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/lds_servlet/EmailArticleProcess?action=view&cmlId=613564&locale=0&emId=271753958

4.  And then the last time we did IVF in Oct, 2009 it was really hard.  It took all of my courage just to try again.  We were thrilled when we were told that we had a positive pregnancy test, but the joy quickly turned to pain when my HSG levels didn’t rise well, and then dropped.  Oh how I cried.  I was devastated.  I also felt pain, depression, demoralization, anguish, sadness, and anger.  I had assumed I could handle a negative IVF cycle, after all, I had done it before.  But I hadn't counted on this scenario -- feeling the elation of success, only to come crashing down to earth.  As I tried to pick up the pieces of my shattered dream a lightbulb went on inside my head.  With determination I told myself: Forget it! I am just going to enjoy life from now on.  I have been waiting and constantly putting my life on hold and thinking in terms of “nine months from now”.   I cannot rely on having a baby to bring me happiness.   And that helped me get through the holidays and completely weaned off my hormones so I could think straight and come up with my plan to find joy now.  

 I realized I couldn’t  wait any longer.  When I start to feel down I try to remember inspiring words, find something to laugh at, or try to create something.   And then I feel as though I truly can succeed on my quest to find joy now.   

Life is good

I was driving to work this morning.  And I was just thinking to myself.  Life is good.  I feel full of joy.  And then I started to get nervous that something would happen to drag me down.  I imagined myself as a cartoon character  thinking everything's great only to have a piano crash on my head and send me six feet under with stars and birdies flying all around me.  But the day continued and I made it with out any catastrophe.

Here were some of the highlights:

• My period started.  I am probably the only infertile person happy about that.  Well maybe I'm not happy or thrilled, but I am at peace about it.  And that's a big step for me.  It's late, so I will write more on that later.  But finally my period is not late and I am not left hoping to not get my hopes up, thinking that maybe this time I'm pregnant, only to finally start to hope that maybe this time the miracle of all miracles has happened, only to have my hopes dashed.  It simple started today, it didn't phase me, and life continued on. 
• I had some good laughs with my friends at work today and I was able to help them manage some of the craziness of the day.  
• I have a few friends inside the computer.
• I did something special for my husband.  (just left him a thank you card for him to find when he got home from work--nothing big, just a little something to let him know I was thinking of him.   And I just felt good about doing that) This last week, someone told me that a great way to enhance your marriage is to do "something special" for your husband each day.  And as I have tried to do that I have really felt an even greater love for him.  It just helps keep things from getting stagnant of mundane.  
• I heard some inspiring stories about people and organizations that are reaching out to the people in Haiti.

And now I am going to bed and thinking to myself.  Life is good and  I feel full of joy.  I am so grateful to God right now for this moment. 

Facebook friends

bring me joy, especially when one of them is my brother.  He is so funny and makes me feel good about who I am.  I was starting to get mad at him because he hadn't answered my friend request.  If he didn't want to be my friend, then fine, be that way.  But tonight I was going to let him know how I felt about him snubbing me.  What aspects of his life was he trying to keep from me?  Anyhow, I am now his friend.  If only he knew how close he came to being blocked from my facebook list.  So there!  He is a lucky guy.  And now I will be able to track his every move.  He became my 109th facebook friend and I am feeling very loved right now.

Please don't freeze my face

Infertility injections brought some stressful as well as light-hearted moments. I had my husband give me my progesterone intramuscular (IM) injections in my butt. I just didn’t feel like trying to reach around, and the needle is just so big, and I was just pretty tired of giving myself injections. So this became his job. He is a queasy guy though. And hates needles. He would squirming in pain and contorting his face thinking he was getting hurt when he went with me to some of my initial RE (reproductive endocrinolgist) visits. It was ridiculous. But he decided to man up and do it for me. I was very proud of him for doing that for me. But it was a little scary for both of us. Thank goodness I had the EMLA cream to numb the area because I was always a little tense.

There were many funny phrases he said during this time. Some that I recall and am willing to write down for the world to read are: “drop your drawers” and “I hope I don’t freeze your face”--(yeah, me too buddy).

With me being a nurse, my hubby has learned a few nursing facts along the way. But the funny thing is that you never know quite what he will remember, and when he does it is hilarious. There is a large sciatic nerve that runs from the butt down the leg and in nursing school we were always reminded to not hit the sciatic nerve or else it could cause some serious pain and rare, but possible paralysis—but not of your face. Face, leg, same difference, right? To my husband, yes. So having him give me an injection in that same area so close to my sciatic nerve was a frightening experience for both of us.

Thankfully, the torture of getting nightly injections ended, thankfully the hormones eventually wore off, and thankfully my face never froze.

Friday Night Double Date

I love going on double dates with my husband. He is so funny. I can’t even describe how ridiculous he is sometimes. And then the added bonus that you get to hang out with some friends and laugh all night. He and the other husband planned the date, which was nice because I could just go and enjoy it. They started off by telling us how it was a “Wolf Moon” that night (with some serious cloud cover unfortunately). And then all night they kept rattling off the most random facts about how this wolf moon was so different and amazing. How is was 31, 070 miles closer to the earth and it was 14% wider and who knows how much brighter. It was hilarious. I may need to fact check the info. And of course the Mexican restaurant we went to had a wolf statue, so that just added to our laughter.

A nice night

I had a very relaxing and peaceful evening. I was making this fun sock creation and my husband was playing the guitar. And it was just nice.

Happiness is...

...when my husband comes home.

I came home early from our Christmas vacation b/c I had to work, and my husband stayed behind to spend a few more days with his family. But today he rejoined me, I drove into the garage and he was there acting crazy. He wanted me to stop the car halfway in the garage so he could put new windshield wipers on. I was so confused, but he said, you said you needed some new ones right? Yes, that's true, but I never would've thought he would be doing that right now. It was a bit random, but that is the type of person my husband is. You never know when he will feel like completing the "honeydew" list, but when he does, don't try to stop him.

01/02/2010

This was another fun date to write, confusing, but fun to think about how both backwards or forwards it was the same. Today I found joy in working with good people. As busy as work can be, it is nice to know I am working with some really great people who have become my friends.

We spend about 1/2 our life with coworkers so it is important to be able to work with them and an added bonus when you enjoy being with them.

I also found joy in reading an article (Ensign Jan 2010: The Best Is Yet to Be Jeffrey R. Holland) in my church's magazine. I really liked it, and I felt joy and peace as I read it and reflected on how it could help me in my life.

And then, last, but not least, I just received an email from my husband with a beautiful picture. It helped me feel loved and so happy to be a part of his life.