A little sock was hung by the chimney with care

For at least the past three years I have hung this little sock up next to ours in hopes that by the time the next Christmas rolled around we would be celebrating it with our first child.  Every year I looked at it longingly and hoped and prayed that this little sock would not have to remain empty and lonely for too much longer.  At times my emotional and spiritual resilience waned, but in the end, things worked out as they always do.

You cannot imagine the joy I felt as I hung up this little sock this year.   As I was unloading some of the boxes of Christmas decorations and began putting the ornaments on the tree I remembered this little sock.  I immediately set everything else aside and with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart I hung up all of our stockings.  That was a sweet moment.    

this was a picture I took of his sock last year

As I thought about the phrase: "the stockings were hung by the chimney with care", from the poem, "Twas the Night before Christmas", this wrote my own little poem about my baby's Christmas sock 

The Christmas Sock
Twas the Christmas season, when all through the house

only sadness and longing hung like a blouse
a little sock was hung by the chimney with care,

in hopes that a child soon would be there

I thought and I prayed and I pled

that someday soon I could stroke my child’s head.

He would sit in my lap,
and take a few naps.
At times my heart stirred a bit
As I wondered how much longer I could take it.
Then all of a sudden, quick as a flash

My baby was in my arms and I was kissing his nose and eyelash

I now walk around with a glow

and love telling my little baby, “hello”.

October

Of all the months of the year, for me, this one seems to always revolve around infertility and children.   I spent many an October crossing my fingers and holding onto hope only to find myself in tears wondering when the hole and ache in my heart would heal.  So, the fact that my hubby and I were hoping to adopt our child in October filled me with some fear and trepidation.

October is a month filled with family fun with the onset of fall and Halloween.  I have always loved seeing kids trick or treating and filled with excitement as they run around in their costumes.  I have fond memories myself of trick or treating and enjoying the smell of candles burning in jack-o-lanterns.

But with every IVF treatment ending in disaster in October, I came to hate and dread this lovely month.  Holidays are so much more fun when kids are involved.  They create the magic and excitement that comes with the holidays.

With a child in our home, October has become a happy and exciting time of year again.  We visited the pumpkin patch as a family and I reveled in the peace and happiness I felt to have a child to call my own.

For many of you, you are still waiting for the laughter of a child or even more children to come to your home.  And my heart aches for you and I hope it happens soon.

The irony was not lost on my husband and me when on our stressful adoption placement day as we were waiting for time to slowly tick by until papers would be signed that Tom Petty's song, "The waiting is the hardest part" came on.  We nervously laughed, then sighed, moaned, and groaned.  My husband said, "no kidding".  For all of those still waiting, I am thinking of you and I know how hard it is.

Stanley models...

our baby's blanket.  I sewed this little blanket for our baby tonight.  And Stanley insisted on trying it out.  I think Stanley is pretty excited to have a new playmate.  I told him that he's not the only one. :D

Continue in Patience

On Sunday I read a great talk titled: Continue in Patience by President Uchtdorf, (a leader from my church), and I wanted to share a few quotes from it.

“patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!”

“The children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before they could enter the promised land. Jacob waited 7 long years for Rachel…In each case, Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.”

“Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer… the promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain.”

“Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness.”

“the work of patience boils down to this: keep the commandments; trust in God, our Heavenly Father; serve Him with meekness and Christlike love; exercise faith and hope in the Savior; and never give up. The lessons we learn from patience will cultivate our character, lift our lives, and heighten our happiness.”

This talk helped me refocus myself and try to continue in patience.  I thought about some of the lessons I have learned as I have tried to patiently wait for children.  Here is a short list of some of those things.  

• I can do hard things.
• I have become more empathetic to people and their suffering.
•  I have become more tolerant and kind as I have been reminded that everyone is fighting a hard batte, and we don’t know everything they are going though.
• Don’t give up.
•  When I serve and think about others, I don’t focus on my difficulties.
• Children are amazing and when they come into my family I will cherish them.
• Trust in God, don’t give up on Him.

The Waiting Game

Whenever I am feeling low about infertility it seems like the words to Tom Petty’s song, “the waiting is the hardest part” come to mind.  And I am bitterly reminded that infertility is the ultimate waiting game. 

I have tried to think of other things I hate to wait for, but they pale in comparison to the wait I have experienced with Infertility.

Waiting for the bus can be pure torture in a non-mass transit friendly city.

Waiting in a doctor’s office, equally grueling.

But waiting for grass to grow doesn’t seem hard. 

Neither does waiting for toast to pop or water to boil. 

With the perspective that infertility has given me, I realize I did not fully understand the definition of the word: WAIT

In terms of infertility, I have waited and wished and waited some more. 

Infertility brings:
The 2ww

Waiting for a positive pregnancy test.

Waiting to hear a heartbeat

Waiting to have your own bump to show off

Waiting to leave the doctor’s office rejoicing rather than crying.

Waiting for you to remember what you were like pre-hormones.

Waiting for you and your husband to be on the same wavelength.

Waiting for people to think before they speak. 

Waiting for birth parents to choose your profile. 

Waiting to know what path to take in your journey. 

Waiting for the child that just won’t come. 

Waiting for the pain to subside. 

They say good things come to those who wait, so I will continue to wait, and work, and hope and pray, for those good things that are sure to come my way.