Embracing Adoption

A few weeks ago  I received a question from a reader.  The question is listed below.  I have thought about it a bit and I will do my best to answer this well thought out and sincere question.  I will try to illustrate how I came to embrace adoption through a story.  If anyone else has some advice or insight, feel free to share it.  I must also say that I like the nickname "Mrs. Joy"; that made me smile and brought me joy.

Question: 

Hi Mrs. Joy :)I have been following your sweet story, and feel blessed to have a glimpse in to your life. My husband feels like he is being prompted to adopt, so we are heading that way, but I am still struggling with the thought of not being pregnant, and actually giving birth to my baby. You said you had come to terms w/ it, was there something that helped you move past that feeling? I would really appreciate any advise, you are certianly a great example! Thanks!!! ~Haley

Answer:

To rephrase and summarize the question, it was: How did I come to terms with not being pregnant and actually giving birth to my child?

I think it was a process over time.  I don't know that it was any one thing.  

At some point early on in our infertility and realizing that having a baby was not going to be as easy as we had hoped I  happened to walk past the store "Motherhood Maternity" while in the mall.  At the point I had a breakdown.  I sat down on a bench and felt sorry for myself.  I don't know if I outright cried, but I wanted too.  I was angry and felt justified in my anger at my body, God, and those that easily become pregnant and just waltz into a store to buy maternity clothes.  All I wanted was to wear maternity clothes.  I wanted to get pregnant and have a baby.  Was that too much to ask?    

I had always been open to adoption and as time went on with the infertility treatments not working out I began to realize that adoption might really be something we might be involved in.  As time went on I realized this focus of "wearing maternity clothes" was a bit myopic.  Time and the sheer fact that infertility treatment after infertility treatment failed led us to seriously consider adoption.  When I found out I had a unicornuate uterus I learned that bedrest, preterm labor and c-section were likely in my future due to this diagnosis.  I had to give up the idea I had that I would have a natural unmedicated delivery, let alone carry a baby to term.  Trying to have twins via IVF was out of the question.  For me, these small bits of information helped me begin the process of accepting the fact that I would have to give up what little control I thought I had in this reproductive process.  

I realized there was more than one way to have children.  One would require maternity clothes, morning sickness, hormone fluctuations, ultrasounds to hear the heartbeat and learn the gender of the baby, registering for baby shower items, etc.  The other would require any length of waiting period, allowing someone else complete control over choosing us as parents, scrutiny from social workers, travel to any part of the US to meet birthparents and our child, a completely different way of announcing to friends and family of being matched, and of meeting our child for the first time, an intense amount of stress and joy in short spans of time, building relationships with people you never dreamed of, etc.  

So with time and this realization,  it really wasn't that difficult for me to "come to terms" with adoption as a means of growing our family.  Sometimes, yes, I would have a tinge of sadness if I thought, I wonder what my biological child would've looked like?  Or if I was feeling anxious or unsure of myself I would think, "why do I think I can be a good mother? or, "what if the child I adopt doesn't like me"?   It was one thing to take on the responsibility of bringing a biological child into the world, but to raise and parent an adoptive child made me really  put pressure on me to think about whether or not I was up to the task of being a good mother.   I think these questions and feelings are normal and important to recognize.  It is important to acknowledge the loss that is is to lose the dream of becoming pregnant and carrying your child.  I always recognized it as a unique and beautiful thing that I hoped to experience, so it while it was hard to set that dream aside, once I realized I had replaced it with another one just as beautiful and unique I was more than okay with adoption.  I was excited about the possibilities and joy the child we would adopt  would bring into our family.

I think having an open adoption was also nice in the fact that I know who my child will look like.  I really enjoyed getting to know my son's birth parents.  I know their personalities, traits, and physical characteristics.  My son gets his amazing good looks from his birthparents.  I will be able to tell him that and tell him what they look like and other things about them.  That gives me peace and hope that my son will be able to "come to terms" with any "loss" he might feel with adoption.  

I think time and just the realization that if I wanted children, and I did, that this was the way it could happen, and probably the only way it would happen.  I read stories and articles about adoption and I saw it as something miraculous and amazing.  I realized that not many people have the opportunity to adopt a child, and that I was lucky to be able to have this unique experience.  And unique and amazing it has been.

I think serious consideration of adoption is just a natural progression that occurs if having a child biologically is just not feasible.  It doesn't mean the child I adopt is loved any less, or that I am sorry we turned to adoption to grow our family.  I truly hope my child will know that.   I also hope society and people will realize that too.   I am so grateful to have adopted our child, it has been a great experience.  

The night or two before we left to go see our child in the hospital and finalize the adoption I had to go to the mall.  I went to the side I never go to, and saw a certain store, you guessed it, Motherhood Maternity.   I hadn't seen the store since that time years ago, and as my mind reflected back on how devastated I was at the time, this time all I could do was laugh.  As far as I was concerned, I would never enter that store, and that was perfectly fine with me.  I had other things to do, I had to hurry and find the item I was looking for and then hurry home to finish everything else I was occupied with for the adoption.  That was a great feeling. 

To get to this place here are some other things that helped: 

Blogging and writing in my journal helped me organize my thoughts and feelings.  Reading scriptures and uplifting talks by church leaders helped me feel at peace with my infertility and not be upset with my body's inability to become pregnant. Praying about what direction to take helped.  Exercising helped.  Good friends and family helped.  Humor and laughing about infertility helped.  Focusing on others and trying to help them helped.  

My advice to you is to be patient with yourself.  Let yourself take the time you need to be okay with not being pregnant and having a biological child so you can give yourself fully to the adoption process and your child that you adopt.  

I hope my story and thoughts have helped you.  

32 and not pregnant

Ever heard of this show?  It's my reality show.

I have a friend who said the "16 and pregnant" reality show came to her hospital and filmed a 16 yr old having her baby.  I have never watched the show, and have only heard a little bit about it.  Wikipedia says, "It follows the stories of pregnant teenage girls in high school dealing with the hardships of teenage pregnancy."  I am sure it would be interesting to see, but since hearing about the title of this show last year, I have often wondered why there isn't a reality show that airs right after it titled "32 and not pregnant"

That could be quite a double header.

I used to really want to be able to get knocked up, (by my husband of course), and I would especially get upset when I would hear about a teenager or a druggie getting pregnant.  It just wasn't fair.  But as we all know, life just isn't fair.

Anyhow, here I am quickly coming to the end of my 32nd year and the show's season is almost over.  When I first thought up this title in my head many months ago after hearing about the "16 and pregnant" show I felt bitter when I thought about it, but now I am happy to report that I am okay with being "32 and not pregnant".

I have put that dream aside and come to terms with it.  I remember when I first started down this infertile path and I was determined to beat this and by golly, I was going to get pregnant and have a natural birth.  I'm a nurse, I know how everything works and what is best.  Right?  Wrong.  Well, when I was diagnosed with my unicornuate uterus, I thought, "ok, no problem, I will still get pregnant, but I guess I will be okay with having a C-section if I need to.  Then, came all the IF treatments, and all the negative results.  I began to beg and plead to just get pregnant.  Who cares how it happened, or how the baby came out, I just wanted to get pregnant.  Now, here I am still not pregnant, but now I am fine with that.  I suppose I should change the title of my reality show to "32 and childless" but that sounds a little depressing to me.  And if there is one feeling I hate feeling, it is being depressed.  That is no fun.

I guess an alternative name for my reality show could be: "32 yr old future mother"

Now while my husband and I wait to adopt a child I realize that  I have relinquished all control of pregnancy and birth process over to someone else.  In some ways that is a little liberating.  I no longer have to stress about whether or not I will get pregnant.  I don't get depressed when AF comes.  I know too much about what can go wrong during a pregnancy or labor, which was always a little scary to think about.

The non liberating part of relinquishing this control, is that I am no longer in control.  There is no timetable as to when I might have my child lovingly placed in my arms.  Sometimes it feels like I am in elementary school waiting to be chosen to play on the baseball team, only I'm blindfolded while I wait.  Who will choose me?  When will I be chosen?  How many other people am I with that are also waiting to be chosen?  What are my odds of being chosen soon so I can get out on the field and play?

I hope I get chosen to be a part of Team Mom soon.

And when I do I can change my reality show title to "32 yr old mom".

Now that would be a blockbuster hit.

Unicornuate Uterus (UU) + part of my infertility story

Me and My Uterus

(Warning:  this is a super long post!)

(that is a pic of me on the day of my surgery to remove the non communicating portion of my uterus.  I was so happy!  I could hardly wait for the surgery to start.  And it became the first of many photos of me in a blue hat.  I think since that day I have had a picture similar to this every year.)

There is such little information on the internet about unicornuate uteri that I feel an obligation to post some information about it.

I was diagnosed w/ UU about 3 yrs ago.  For years, since I was a teen every few months I would experience a debilitating pain to my left side.  As a teen, my mom asked are you constipated?  I said heck no!  (truth be told, I didn't even know what it meant to be constipated, so even if I was, I wasn't going to admit it)  I then looked constipation up in the dictionary and realized that I might be.  So then I would get harangued about my diet.  "You don't eat enough fiber" "exercise more" "are you lactose intolerant?"  No, no, no.  I ate the same food my family did and I exercised regularly.  So it didn't seem to make sense that I would have issues.  I would just suck it up and deal with the pain.  The thing was I never knew when it would hit.  I could feel dull crampyness or achyness for days and weeks and know that eventually I would be incapacitated in pain on the floor, but I didn't know when that moment would strike.  It seemed to sometimes coordinate with my periods, but not always.

Once the pain hit.  I would be unable to move for 1-2 days.  Then it would be over and I would be back to normal until the next time it felt like happening.

It was terrible.  And then for a few years I would be in so much pain and then until I threw up it wouldn't begin to improve.

I went to doctors.  I had scans.  Everyone always thought it was intestinal related.  I would try to tell them how it was sometimes related to my period as well.  I was told that was a "red herring".  I had a colonoscopy that showed irritation. So I started meds for IBS and got stuck with that diagnosis for awhile.  Then I got a premarital checkup from an OB.  I told him my medical/pain history, he did my 1st of many vaginal ultrasounds and he said I had a large fibroid.  So that started an additional diagnosis.  He almost did surgery to remove it (thank goodness he didn't).

The IBS meds never helped.  Like a good nurse I stopped taking them.  I moved to Texas, that pain continued, so I went to another gastroenterologist specialist.  As soon as I hopped in her chair she said, I want to do another colonoscopy.  I told her, no thanks, I had one done a year ago.  I left her office and never returned.

Then my hubby and I started trying to have kids.  No luck there.  After about 9 months of trying I went to a doctor and began my lovely life as an infertile.  Blood tests showed I wasn't ovulating.  So I got to have another vaginal ultrasound with an insanely full bladder and a not so lovely hysterosalphinogram (HSG)-- (for those fertiles out there--this is when dye is rammed up your cervix to see where it goes--not fun).  The radiologist (I wish I knew his name I would send him a thank you letter--finally someone competent in the medical field was taking care of me!), recommended to my doctor that I get an MRI to check my uterus out a little bit more.  And then the HSG test showed that no dye spilled into my left tube.

That was when I got my first "you'll be pregnant in no time" comment.  The nurse said, "A lot of people get pregnant after the HSG because it opens up their tubes nice and wide".

I got an MRI shortly after that.  Then my OB doctor called and recommended I see an infertility specialist.  And I have never heard from or seen my OB since.  I dream of the day I can walk back into his office.

My hubby and I went to the RE that my OB had recommended and he immediately told us that I had a unicornuate uterus w/ a non communicating rudimentary horn.  Hence the reoccurring pain on my left side.  I had found yet another smart doctor in Texas.

here is a picture of what mine probably looked like

It was such a strange word to hear.  I had a unicorn in my uterus?  I didn't know unicorns existed.  The RE also descibed it as "banana shaped".  So I had a unicorn eating a banana inside my uterus?  No wonder I couldn't get pregnant,  there was no room for a baby in there.

When a fetus is developing it develops from the outside in. And uterus starts as 2 pieces, but when it comes together it merges into a big normal uterus.  Mine did not come together.  So one side developed as much as it could, the other (left) side barely developed.  But it developed enough that it had some lining which would slough off with each period but then have no where to go.  This would cause intense pain, cramping, and general misery on my part.  It also made sense to me that this would cause irritation to my intestines that were right next to my uterus and foul up my digestive tract in the process.

Also if you have UU you may possibly only have one kidney or kidney issues because the kidneys develops at the same time as the uterus.  I did another test to check that, and I had both of mine.

So my RE referred me to a better surgeon than him and in a short 6 hr surgery it was removed.  And I have never had pain since.   He did a laprascopic surgery to remove my left rudimentary non communicating horn and he removed the left fallopian tube as well.  He said I had no endometriosis which was great news, but that I had a ton of scar tissue.    (this was a pic my hubby took of me after surgery.  I got some good drugs that day)

If only that was the end of the story.  With a UU I am at risk for preterm labor, incompetent cervix, breech delivery (hence C-section birth), and the baby could also have IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction).  And the kicker is with IVF I should really only put 1 embryo back, because there is no room in the inn.  Oh well.  I used to be real set on having a natural vaginal delivery, but after all this news, I threw those plans out the window.  I will just focus on trying to get pregnant.  How the baby comes out of is the least of my concerns.

But there is a silver lining to my story.  If I hadn't been infertile I never would've gotten these tests, and I could still be doubled over in pain every few months.

I am so glad I am not in pain anymore.  It was terrible.  I can remember most every spot that it happened, it was so excruciating--on dates, during vacations, at work, while teaching a class, while driving down the freeway.  Oh my, I am glad those days are behind me.

And I no longer have to hear people tell me how to improve my bowel function.  That in itself is great.

Sometimes I feel like writing a letter to all of my previous doctors so they know what to look for and to listen to their patients a little bit more.  We'll see if I ever do.

And that is the first chapter in the story of me and my uterus.

See what everyone else is posting at Mel's Show and Tell