Limbo Land

I am in Limbo land right now.  I am trying to take a break from thinking about my infertile life, but how can I?  It's like trying to avoid my own shadow.  There is no escaping the fact that I am infertile.  My husband and I agreed to take a break from thinking about it until January.  And that helped until January came.  Maybe for my peace of mind I should've said January of 2012 (that's when the world is supposed to end anyway, right?).

The thought of another round of IVF scares me to death.  I don't think I can handle the hormones and the emotions associated with it.  The thought of doing anything, pursuing adoption or becoming child free scares me to death.  The thought of doing nothing and not thinking about it depresses me.  It's not easy to do nothing.  I'm not getting any younger.  If I want to have a family I need to get going on this.  So then I think, why do I even want kids?  Should I decide to be child free?  Why can't I be one of those people that always wanted to be childfree?  It would've worked out perfectly--being ignorantly infertile.  I can just imagine freaking out that I might be pregnant when I missed a birth control pill, and then being so relieved when I wasn't. Wouldn't that be strange?

What to do, what to do?

Maybe I need to take more time to heal.  I thought I had, but it is quickly becoming evident that maybe I need more time.  Maybe I ripped the bandage off too soon.  I once heard the phrase that "faith has a short shelf life", so therefore we need to always keep replenishing our storage.  I think I had a lot built up, but then IVF, wiped it all out.  Just like an emergency disaster would wipe out my all of my emergency food I had stockpiled.  Maybe right now I need to focus on restocking my supply of faith and courage to even be able to make a decision.  Because even if I built up enough reserve to make a decision, would I have enough to even pursue the course?  I really doubt it.  I am having an especially hard time with prayer in relation to infertility.

I was enjoying remembering what I was like pre-infertility, pre-hopped up on hormones.  It was kind of nice.  I missed that person.  I had forgotten what she was like.  Maybe she needs to get a little more attention for awhile.

I liked one thing that a lady at church said today about being grateful.  She said, "I count the things I have, not the things I don't have"  So, in order to end on a good note, I will do just that:

1. wonderful husband
2. good job
3. good friends and family
4. a warm and beautiful home
5. a Father in Heaven who loves me.  I know He loves me, I really do.  If I can just remember that, everything will be alright. 

On that note I will go to bed and hopefully slip into sleep.
Good night.

Trying to take my own advice

My day had it's ups and downs.

Work was crazy busy.  Exhausting, funny, and disturbing all at the same time.

Just let me ask a few things of any of you that end up getting pregnant and having your babies in the hospital.  Please remember that you are in a hospital, not a hotel!  Please remember that nurses and techs and a whole host of other people are marching in and out of your room.  And while nurses have seen everything, that doesn't mean we want to.  We don't want to see you snuggling in the little hospital bed.  And while we are already in your room, we certainly don't want to see out of our peripheral vision the dad walk out of your bathroom in just his undies and calmly proceed to put his pants on--he should run right back into the bathroom until we leave.  Yikes!  TMI you say?  yeah well, I thought it was a bit TMTS (too much to see)

Came home, ate some award winning chili and then vegged out watching a bit of America's Funniest Home Videos.  That never gets old.  People do the funniest things.  We had some good laughs watching that.

Then my hubby and I took a little time to read the Bible together tonight.   We happened to read in Luke 18: 1-8.  I used to love this parable about praying always and not fainting.  The parable talks about a judge in the city who got tired of a widow who kept asking him to avenge her adversary.  In the end he granted her request just to make her  go away and stop bothering him.  I had read these scriptures during my infertility treatments and figured I could also "weary the Lord" until He granted me the desires of my heart simply because He was tired of my pestering Him with this request.  Sometimes the scriptures make it sound so simple:  "ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be granted unto you".  Reading these scriptures tonight brought me back to that time when I tried to weary the Lord with my request for a child, but came up empty handed.  As I remembered this, my faith faltered and I felt sad.  My husband, tried to remind me that we don't know God's timing.  This is true, but still hard to accept sometimes.

My husband has been practicing the blues on his guitar, so of course he proceeded to play some to try to cheer me up.  He sang an Eric Clapton song about being confused and angry.  I told him, that wasn't really helping.  So he switched to another song.  One thing I love about when he plays is that he likes to change the words of the songs.  He started playing the John Maier song "Waiting on the world to change".  Then he added lyrics about things that happened this the week such as, "waiting for the carpets to be cleaned" and I don't remember what else.  But it was funny and did the trick.

I know everything will work out, it always does.  It's just hard to remember that sometimes.  In the meantime I'll just try to make the best of it.  A phrase that sometimes helps me just came to mind--I can do hard things.  I'm pretty sure infertility qualifies as a "hard thing".  If that's the case, then I can get through this.  At least I hope so.