Video: In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

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Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy the good food, family and friends today.

What are you thankful for?

What IF I can never just be happy with what I have...

...and I can't stop being angry, bitter, and sad about what I don't have?

This was another What IF question that I decided to write about.  I think this is a real thing that those of us with infertility face.  Infertility can really bring out the anger, bitterness, and sadness in a person.  It's not a pretty site.  And it has brought that out in me many times.

These were my thoughts as I considered my answer to this question:

I am a generally happy person, but like most people, I compare myself to others.  Unfortunately, when I do this, I tend to assume the people I am comparing myself to are better, smarter, and funnier, etc than I am and that gets me down.

Then throw the whole mess of infertility into the mix and suddenly everyone can do something you can’t—procreate.  They do this by accident.  They do this without even thinking or planning for the future.  They do this when they are ready to start a family.  Teenagers, people your age, family members, perfect strangers.  When you are infertile, suddenly everyone around you is fertile.  I had taken my fertility for granted, I assumed I had it, when I didn't.  I had looked forward to and dreamed of having little ones to love and take care of.  And now it seemed like everyone but me was doing just that. 

"Practice makes perfect" they say.  RELAX.  Buy a 2 seater.   Adopt.   Eat pomegranates.  Maybe try taking birth control.  I've heard it all.   And often all it does is make me more angry, bitter, and sad. 

So how do I combat the anger, bitterness, and sadness?  Well, I have a long list of things I’ve tried

For the immediate bitterness that can occur when talking to people or just seeing their pregnant belly on Facebook--sometimes I still struggle with that..  But I either try to ignore them, change the subject, make a joke tell the flat out truth and watch them squirm. ask them an equally nosy and uncomfortable question, or on a good day, just be happy for them, or don’t get upset with them for asking me a difficult family planning question. 

But, I digress…the main topic was how can I be happy?  I will always encounter pregnant people.  Sometimes nothing that is or isn’t said by a fertile person will help.  The change has needed and still needs to come from within.

It is a battle, one that some days I feel I am fighting pretty well, other times, I feel like I am miles back from where I started.  But I know my ultimate goal—Be Happy, Find Joy.   And do it NOW.

I remember one time after receiving a negative result from a treatment I received the wonderful news that another person I knew was pregnant.  It always happens that way, doesn’t it?  Any how, I was sad and bitter.   I was supposed to be the one that was pregnant.  Not her.  She had always said she wouldn't have kids.  Oh, the unfairness of life sometimes.  

I had recently purchased a sewing machine and my friend was going to teach me how to make a  baby blanket.  I had hoped I would be making this blanket for me, but I decided to make it for her.  As I made it, I felt some of the bitterness subside.  But even after it was made, I wondered if I should keep it for me, for my future child that would surely come.  But, ultimately, I decided to send it to her, and I was glad I did.  It was really remarkable.  My bitterness towards her left, and I was able to have more love for her and feel more happiness and joy in my life.  (And I didn’t have to hang onto what would now be a very dusty blanket shoved in the corner of my closet reminding me of my selfishness and bitterness.)  

This experience has stayed with me, so as hard as some pregnancy announcements and celebrations are, I try to focus on the person and realize that this is another opportunity where my relationship with them can improve and a little bit more of the sadness I feel for myself can dissipate.

I also try to focus on counting the things I actually have instead of the things I don’t.   I have just found that if I focus on what I don’t have, nothing but depression and sadness comes from it.  But on the flip side, I feel happy, blessed and joyful when I focus on what I do have. 

It kind of makes me feel like Count Dracula when I do this little exercise…Because once I start, the easier and faster I can count the things I have.  I have included this you tube video of him singing his counting song.  It brought back some fun memories.  But it true, either way, if you count what you don’t have, you can go on forever, if you count what you have, same thing, and you will be better off for it. 

So since the number of the day is 5, I’ll count 5 things that I have, (in no particular order)

One. (in a count dracula voice)—I have an awesome husband.  He is so funny.  I just wish you could all meet him.  He is so random and is always making me laugh.  He is so genuine and really cares about people.  I can’t believe I married such an amazing guy

Two.—Myself.  I am a kind, beautiful person.  I work hard.  I care about other people.

Three.—My family.  Immediate, extended, in-laws, etc.  They are all unique and good people.  I glad they are a part of my life.

Four.---My home.  After being on the road in small hotel rooms and apartments, my house seemed huge when I got home.  I am so blessed to live in such a nice home.  It is so beautiful and comfortable to live in.

Five.—My faith and my religion.  The gospel has brought such happiness into my life.  I am so grateful for the Savior Jesus Christ and His love for me.  I am also grateful for God and His love for me. 

How do I feel after counting?  Happy.  Grateful.  At peace.  It works every time.

Just call me Count JRS.  (I did have fanged teeth I was younger—thank goodness I got them pulled.)

So here is my new What IF question,  What IF I focus on what I have and find joy now?  What IF I keep on counting my blessings?

Check out resolve.org or stirrup-queens.com to join in Part 2 of Project IF for National Infertility Awareness Week (4/24-5/1)

I'm in the Finals

I made it to the final round of the Limerick Chick Voting.  I really thought I was out.  That is so exciting.  Vote for JRS #4 by clicking here.

I have been a little busy.  We have family over and they don't know about my blog, so that has been a challenge to sneak away and blog.  But things are going well.  We have twin 9 mo. old nephews visiting our non baby proof house as well.

So have a few more things to add to my list of things to be grateful for:

1. I don't need to wipe up drool and snot all day long
2. I don't need to listen to incessant musical toys all the live long day
3. I get as much uninterrupted sleep as I like.

Hope you vote for me!
Have a great weekend.

Thankful Thursday

I am trying to count the things I have instead of what I don't in my effort to find joy.  So here goes:

1.  Friends both fertile and infertile who understand the pain of infertility.  Here is a link to a beautiful video called tears and hope.  It captures so well the pain and sorrow of infertility. I was reminded of this video from my friend Rebecca who I have met on my journey. 

2. A wonderful husband who held me as I cried.

3. Scriptures.  This is my favorite scripture this week.  Isaiah 55: 8-13  

  8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

  9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

  10 For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:

  11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing hereto I sent it.

  12 For ye shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

  13 Instead of the thorn shall come up the fir tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree: and it shall be to the Lord for a name, for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.

Limbo Land

I am in Limbo land right now.  I am trying to take a break from thinking about my infertile life, but how can I?  It's like trying to avoid my own shadow.  There is no escaping the fact that I am infertile.  My husband and I agreed to take a break from thinking about it until January.  And that helped until January came.  Maybe for my peace of mind I should've said January of 2012 (that's when the world is supposed to end anyway, right?).

The thought of another round of IVF scares me to death.  I don't think I can handle the hormones and the emotions associated with it.  The thought of doing anything, pursuing adoption or becoming child free scares me to death.  The thought of doing nothing and not thinking about it depresses me.  It's not easy to do nothing.  I'm not getting any younger.  If I want to have a family I need to get going on this.  So then I think, why do I even want kids?  Should I decide to be child free?  Why can't I be one of those people that always wanted to be childfree?  It would've worked out perfectly--being ignorantly infertile.  I can just imagine freaking out that I might be pregnant when I missed a birth control pill, and then being so relieved when I wasn't. Wouldn't that be strange?

What to do, what to do?

Maybe I need to take more time to heal.  I thought I had, but it is quickly becoming evident that maybe I need more time.  Maybe I ripped the bandage off too soon.  I once heard the phrase that "faith has a short shelf life", so therefore we need to always keep replenishing our storage.  I think I had a lot built up, but then IVF, wiped it all out.  Just like an emergency disaster would wipe out my all of my emergency food I had stockpiled.  Maybe right now I need to focus on restocking my supply of faith and courage to even be able to make a decision.  Because even if I built up enough reserve to make a decision, would I have enough to even pursue the course?  I really doubt it.  I am having an especially hard time with prayer in relation to infertility.

I was enjoying remembering what I was like pre-infertility, pre-hopped up on hormones.  It was kind of nice.  I missed that person.  I had forgotten what she was like.  Maybe she needs to get a little more attention for awhile.

I liked one thing that a lady at church said today about being grateful.  She said, "I count the things I have, not the things I don't have"  So, in order to end on a good note, I will do just that:

1. wonderful husband
2. good job
3. good friends and family
4. a warm and beautiful home
5. a Father in Heaven who loves me.  I know He loves me, I really do.  If I can just remember that, everything will be alright. 

On that note I will go to bed and hopefully slip into sleep.
Good night.