Riding off into the Sunset

I never like to be one to be wishy washy, and usually when I make a decision I go with it.  Which is why I now need to tell you that my decision to come out of retirement was a mistake.  My posting last week was based on emotion.  Perhaps saying I was finished blogging made me miss blogging if just for a moment.  Various posts about the ALI community and the drop off of those who are pregnant or parenting also made me feel as though I wanted to add to the conversation.  

But as I analyzed the “why” I was going to blog again, the benefits and reasons to not blogging outweighed (for me) the reasons to blog.  I just don’t have the time.  I want to be present in my son’s and husband’s lives.  And when I came back to thinking about blogging, I had blog posts running through my head and I kept wanting to come check my blog and see if anyone had stopped by, etc.  To everything, there is a time and a season, and right now, I am focusing on real life efforts of homemaking, mothering, and enjoying every busy and quiet moment I am given.  Those quiet moments are few and far between, and there are so many other things I want to do with my time in those quiet moments. 

I began my blog because as stated recently, I was struggling to find joy in the daily moments of my life because I didn't want the pain and anguish of IF to derail me in my efforts to be happy.  My husband and I were moving towards the path of adoption, and I wanted and knew that my heart needed to heal.  My faith was fragile, my outlook jaded, and I was tired of feeling that way.  This blog and all of you who followed me in my journey helped me in my efforts and desires to find joy.  I am so appreciative to all of you for your kind words and helping me feel that I was not alone.  So you might think I am turning my back on the ALI community by leaving my blog behind, but I don’t think I am. 

Because I am not blogging doesn’t mean I am not thinking about you who are still in the trenches.  I can still stop by your blogs, cheer you on, add some words of comfort, or share a joke or two.  

So as this blog rides off into the sunset I thought I would share one final quote that I recently heard that I liked—

“Our impact is less likely to emanate from the pulpit—more often it will occur in one-to-one relationships, or in small groups where we can have an impact on an individual.”  (Neal A Maxwell)  All of you who took time to read and comment on my blog have impacted and helped me.  Thank you.

“The only person you need to compare yourself to is the one you were before”  (just saw this quote on FB, don’t know where it came from)  It is so easy to compare ourselves and our circumstances to others who have different strengths and weaknesses rather than just comparing ourselves to ourselves and seeing how much progress we have made. 

One of the first posts I wrote included a picture of a sunrise, so I think it is fitting that as I thought about this post, the view of a sunset came to mind.  We start this journey of being parents with the excitement and beauty of a sunrise, only to find ourselves in the middle of a miserable day that seems like it will never end.  But then all of a sudden, the most amazing sunset appears on the horizon and we realize all is well, and that the difficulties we went through were worth it because we got to experience and see this amazing site.  Eventually the day ends and we have a new day, a new opportunity to tackle different problems and experience new joyful moments.  That is how I feel at this time about this blog and the IF chapter in my life.  It was a day, a beautiful and difficult day, but one that ended with a sunset and vista more amazing than I could ever have imagined.   

No pregnancy horror story here

Today I was at the park with several other moms and their kids.  And as often happens, the conversation eventually led to everyone sharing their pregnancy horror stories and why they weren't quite ready to have more kids.  I obviously didn’t have much to add to the conversation as I have not been pregnant and am not anticipating a pregnancy.  And El Guapo runs around quite a bit at the park, while the other moms have girls who are a little calmer.  And this park has a duck pond where El Guapo loves trying to catch the ducks and run into the pond after them, so I wasn’t able to really stand around and chat.  El Guapo and I eventually made our way back to the swings and as I pushed him and another little girl in the swings I could imagine how it would be to have two kids.  So with a smile, I told the group, “Well, I’m ready for two kids”.  I also told them it sounded like I got the better end of the deal and that I hadn’t missed out on anything by not being pregnant. 

It is funny, because while in the thick of infertility treatments, when I would see a pregnant lady I used to think I was really missing out.  But I don’t think that at all anymore.  I can’t even really imagine being pregnant, it just isn’t part of my life story, and that’s just fine with me.  When the topic turns to pregnancy woes I often think of El Guapo’s birth mother and how much I admire and love her for all that she went through to bring El Guapo into the world. 

I also wonder about the future and what it holds for our family.  I wonder what our second child’s birth mother’s pregnancy and birth story will be.  And I can only hope that pregnancy and child birth will treat her more kindly than it did to the moms who were swapping stories at the park today.  

I was also reminded of this quote "Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own.  Never forget, not for a minute, You weren’t born under my heart--but in it."

Fleur Conkling Heyliger

While my children are not "born under my heart", they are definitely "born in it".  And that my friends, is one of the beautiful things about adoption.  No pregnancy horror story, just all the love and happiness that comes with arrival of a new member of the family  :D

I can hardly wait!

Big NEWS my friends,

Our adoption profile is live.  Granted, it just barely happened, so hardly anyone knows, but I know, and I just let a few people know and now that I have done that I can hardly contain my excitement.  I just want to tell everyone that soon we will have another little bundle of joy.

Aaaaaaaah!  I can hardly wait.  Deep breath.  I have no idea how long or how soon till we adopt again, but now that our profile is up, it is like it could happen any day.  I won't think about the fact that it might not happen for awhile, or that sometimes these things don't work out.  Right now I will find joy in this feeling of excitement and anticipation of the arrival of another little baby to our home and to my arms.

I just took that moment.  It was wonderful.  This definitely calls for a celebration!

p.s.  this is the link to our profile.  Feel free to spread the word that we are hoping to adopt again.

Also, you will see that in the profile and in my new family blog, I refer to El Guapo by name.  I would ask that you still refer to him here as El Guapo, as the profile and blog will be closed out after the adoption is finalized, and I want to keep his cyber footprint as small as possible :D

"He could be your son"

"Well that's good, because he is."

The more I have thought about this recent conversation I had with an acquaintance of mine, the more I have mixed emotions about it.

I feel bad about it.  I also feel a little frustrated and tired of the "he looks just like you" comment.  And I just wish this innocent conversation and comment had gone better.

El Guapo was in his stroller, and when Jen* (not her real name, there are a million zillion Jen's out there, so  I figured that was a good name to use) came up to say hello.  And don't get me wrong, this is a really nice person, and I don't want her to feel bad if she ever somehow came across this post.  Anyhow, so she said hi to El Guapo and asked how he was doing.  I told her that he was almost walking, and we were doing good.  Then she said, "I can't believe how much he looks like you, he could be your son."

Side note--for some reason, I have never really understood this comment.  And I get it a lot.  Because, yes, El Guapo and I do have the similar skin color, and we both have dark eyes and dark hair.  But that's where our similarities stop.  And that is perfectly fine with me.  I don't know when people say this if they are trying to make me feel better about adoption--to which I feel perfectly fine and great about adoption and having a child that looks different than me.  Or is this just one of the first thing that pops into people's head when they don't know how to respond to the fact that you have a child who happens to be adopted.  I don't know.

I always just say, yeah, he does look a little like me, but not so much like his dad.  (my hubby is pretty fair skinned).   And then I usually say, that he actually looks a lot like his birth parents--which he does.  I really don't think he looks at all like me.  And why would he?

Anyhow.  After Jen told me that El Guapo could be mine son, I replied as stated above, that, actually, he was my son.  I didn't mean anything by it, and I think it was just a knee jerk reaction and that I responded that way b/c she said he could be my son.  She felt really bad, and started apologizing profusely and saying, "Of course he's your son", and "I am so sorry".   I told her not to worry about it, and that I didn't mean to make her feel bad.  And I meant it.  I told her the same stuff about how he doesn't look like my hubby and that I was just joking (b/c I was actually joking and laughing when I told her that it was good he could be my son, b/c he was my son).

This is quite a long ramble.  But I just felt like writing about it.  I will just leave the conversation where it is and hopefully when I run into Jen again, she won't feel awkward--but I think she might.  "sigh"

Here we go again...

We are in the process of completing our application to begin another adoption.  It mostly exciting, but it also makes me a little nervous and overwhelmed.  Nervous because there are so many other people hoping to adopt, and as I let that nervousness overwhelm me I can't help but wonder, how in the world will we be chosen again?  But at the same time I am hopeful and excited because I know it can happen.  Our little boy fit into our family just perfectly, so I have confidence that when the time is right, the right baby will be placed with us.

So now, I better get work on our application.  Thankfully we don't have to fill out as much paperwork as before, but it is still a process.  I will let you know when our application goes live.  It is probably still a few weeks out because we need to have another home visit, get reference letters sent in, and do a few other things.  But it is exciting that things are moving in the right direction.

Pregnant ladies at the pool playdate

* I will also refer to "my little guy" as "El Guapo"  (Handsome)

Last week I took El Guapo to the pool for a little playdate with some other families that go to our church.  A lot of people are out of town because it is so hot here, so only 3 other ladies were there with their kids.  It just so happened that all of them are very pregnant. 

Well, one of the ladies had just moved into the area, so we were talking and getting to know one another.  She asked about El Guapo, including how old he was, and when his birthday would be.  I told her it was in the fall.  She then told me that she was due with her 2nd baby in the fall.  She proceeded to tell me, how she was already so hot and didn't know how she would make it through this hot summer being pregnant.  Then, the best part was, she said, "but you know how that is, if your baby was born in the fall."  

Ha ha ha.  I just laughed and said, "Actually, I don't"  :)  And I told her that my husband and I had adopted El Guapo.  

It was pretty funny.  I got a good laugh over it.  

We then talked a little about the adoption, and enjoyed the rest of our pool time.  

Infertility Myth Buster

For National Infertility Awareness Week I decided I would participate in Resolve's "Bust an Infertilty Myth" blog challenge.

The myth I have chosen to write about is well known and I am sure many of you have heard it.  It is:  "Just adopt and then you'll get pregnant".

Many people who knew my husband and I were hoping to adopt a child would tell me, "You know, once you adopt, you will get pregnant."  And then after we adopted our child, invariably some people just had to tell us about some random person they knew who had adopted a child and was now pregnant.

When people say this is I really don't think they are thinking about what they are saying.  Do they really think I adopted my child in hopes that once I did so I would become pregnant and have a biological child?

Adoption is not a means to becoming pregnant.  In fact only 5% of couples who adopt later become pregnant.  It is a very insensitive thing to say to someone who has adopted a child.  And when I am told this, I cringe, take a deep breath and try to explain in the nicest way possible that this is simply not true and I that I don't appreciate hearing this statement.  I cannot imagine our family without our little guy who came through us through the miracle and blessing of adoption.   I would hate for him to think that we adopted him only in hopes that by doing so I would then become pregnant and have a biological child.  Love, not blood, is what binds my family together.

Finalizing our Adoption

Last week was busy and exciting, and this week, it seems to be just as busy.  Here is it Thursday and I don't really have time to write, but I figured if I didn't do it now, I wouldn't catch another free moment later.

In order to finalize our adoption we needed to go to court and receive legal custody.  Over the past 6 months we have had physical custody, but our agency retained legal custody for a period of 6 months.  We needed to get a lawyer and have him do some paperwork in order to complete the process.  So last week we were able to go to court to receive legal custody.  

We drove up to the court house, but on our way my husband asked if I had my wallet and ID.  Did I?  Of course not.  I had forgotten it, but told him I didn't think I needed it.  But he wanted me to have it just in case.  So we turned around, drove back and I retrieved it.  This put us arriving 30 min late to the courthouse. So I was a little nervous.  Who wants to be late to court?  Not me.  We were told that the judge would randomly call up the cases to be heard and when we were called we would go up.  When we arrived the room was quiet and pretty empty.  I was a little nervous.  Were we too late?  What had we missed?  The judge was nowhere to be seen

We saw our lawyer and sat on the bench with him and apologized for being late and explained what had happened.  He said, no problem.  I asked him where the judge was and if we had missed anything.  He told me that the judge hadn't arrived yet.  Thank Goodness.  I breathed a huge sigh of relief.  I still don't know what would've happened if he had called us up and we weren't there.  We settled in our bench to wait.  Five minutes later, the judge arrived, and guess who was called up first?  Yes, we were.  

Our little guy was asleep, but I wanted him to be awake for this occasion.  So I rustled his blankets a little and his eyes popped open.  So then I lifted him out of his stroller and held him for the few minutes it took for the judge to hear our case.  When the judge saw our little guy looking at him and listening he laughed.  Then the judge stated we were our child's legal parents, took a picture with us, and everything was finalized.  

It was great.  A very fun and adventurous morning.  Then we went out to breakfast to celebrate.  :)

Oh, and some of you might be wondering, did I need my ID?  Nope.  Nobody asked for it.  But, we did need a check, which we didn't have.  Who carries a checkbook around these days?  Well, we found out that my mother in law does.  So that worked out well.  We needed to write a check so we could get our little guy's birth certificate sent to us.  That reminds me, we never paid her back for that.  I guess I will have to get a check in the mail to her for that.  :)

Busy Week

It has been a busy week here.  Between company in town, getting our bathrooms remodeled, and finalizing our baby's adoption we have been quite busy.  Yes, you just read that right!  Our adoption is finalized!  Woo hoo.  I will write more details about it next week.

Poem: Just the Same

My church puts out a monthly magazine called the Ensign, and the April issue arrived the other day.  I was so happy to see an article about infertility in it.  Unfortunately, the electronic version is not up yet, maybe it doesn't go up until April begins.  When I am able to post it for you I will.  But in the meantime, I happened to see a poem in the magazine and as I read it I realized it was about adoption.  I thought it was a beautiful poem, so I thought I would share.

Just the Same

By Diana Lynn Lacey

Sometimes--

God sends rain

Straight from the sky

To nourish the young flower

and it grows.

Sometimes--

God sends rain from the sky 

To the mountaintops,

Then over hills and through valleys 

Until it reaches the flower

and it grows, just the same.

Sometimes--

God sends a child 

Straight from His realm

Into a mother's arms

and love grows.

Sometimes--

God sends a child

From heaven to another's arms,

Then over hills and through valleys

Until he reaches the arms of his mother

and love grows, just the same.  

Open Adoption

When people hear about our adoption a natural question that is asked of us is, "is it open?"  Usually, the person asking this doesn't even know what he or she is really asking.  An open adoption is such a broad term and is different for each birthparent and adoptive couple.

Before our adoption was finalized my husband and I attended an adoption conference.  At this conference they had a panel of birthmothers who shared their experiences and answered our questions.  I learned many things from them, but one thing that I learned was how different each of their "open" adoptions were.

And the interesting thing was that for each one of them, how they had their communication and level of openness set up, worked for them.  I was reminded not to promise to a level of openness I was not willing to commit to.  Equally important, these birthmothers shared how the thing they feared the most was that the level of openness decided upon would not be honored by the adoptive family.

Everyone has heard horror stories of this happening and understandably, nobody wants it to happen to them.  Our son's birthparents were concerned about this happening to them as well.  No one enforces your relationship with one another after placement, it is between you and your child's birthparents.  The tricky thing about adoption is that not until after papers are signed and our son was placed with us, we didn't have the opportunity to prove ourselves and that we were good for our word.  Our son's birthparents had to trust us at our word, which is a hard and scary thing to do.  We could often sense that they were nervous about this, so we tried to be proactive and remind them of our commitment to them and the level of openness we had decided upon.  So this was also nerve wracking for us.  Prior to the placement, we trusted them in their commitment to the adoption, and then after placement our son's birthparents would have to trust us in our commitments to them.

Is our adoption open?  Yes.  What does that mean?  Well, in our adoption we send emails and pictures.  We felt that the first few weeks, and then also on holidays and birthdays would be especially difficult for our son's birth mother.  So we sent texts and pictures on a daily basis the first little while.  We also told her that if she was having a hard day and just wanted to see a picture of the little guy, to call or text us and we would send one.  She always sends a text saying hello when he turns another month old and I send a picture of him to her.

Our son's birthparents asked if they could visit the little guy at Christmas time and give him a gift.  We told them, "Of course."  It was nice to see them and they seemed to enjoy seeing the little guy.  I am happy with how the communication we have with our son's birthparents. They are great people and we care about them.  They gave us one of the most wonderful gifts we had ever received, and I will never forget them for that.

I am happy with the relationship we have with our son's birthparents.  And I am grateful for the love and respect they show to us as well.

Wordless Wednesday: My child loves his birth mother

Okay,  I can't not write anything under this picture.   My little guy is such a happy, smiley boy.  This is how he greets me when he wakes up from his nap. Ready to play and have some fun.  I enjoyed seeing my little boy in this shirt all day yesterday.  Every time I looked at it I thought to myself, "I love your birth mother too."  She is such an a amazing, courageous, beautiful, and loving person.  I consider myself very blessed to know her and to have had my life changed by her.

Birth Stories

Last week a friend from work invited me to hang out with her and her mom group.  I decided to join her and had a nice time.  At lunchtime we went to the food court and while there I overheard some of the ladies discussing their children's "birth stories".  I was a few seats over from them, so I wasn't engaged in their conversation, but over the noise of the food court I heard the words: labor, epidural, dilated, tired, and c-section, just to name a few.  I wondered if they would ask me how my child's birth went, and I wondered what I would say.  To be honest, I felt a bit like an outsider.  If I had a birth story like theirs I might have been tempted to join in.  But, I didn't, and I wondered if it would be awkward if they were to ask me and I then related how my child was adopted.

Trust me, I am not embarrassed in the least to tell about my child's adoption.  You just never know how others will react, and I didn't know these ladies that well, and it just didn't come up.

But, the more I thought about after the play group was over, the more I wished I had been asked about his birth.  I would have told them about how anxious I was to hear news about him on the day of his delivery.  I know a few details about his birth that I could share.  And then I could tell about how stressful it was getting the flowers delivered to his birthmother.  And how I was an emotional mess when there was a glitch with the flower delivery.  I would tell them about how we went out to dinner to celebrate our little guy's birthday.  Not many ladies can do that.  I could also tell about how we packed up our favorite snacks and all of his gear to take with us on our travels to meet our little guy for the first time.  I might also tell them how the social worker and I were wearing the same style and color shirt when we went to meet up with everyone in the hospital for the first time.   Our little guy was so cute and little.  I fell in love with him the minute I laid eyes on him.  (I loved him before that, but to see him and hold him, was so special).  I would tell about feeding him while I was there and how I was praying he would be a good eater and not be fussy when I held him.  He was great!  I might share  how we finally found a hotel in that area with a semi-comfortable bed to sleep on, for what few hours of sleep I was able to get with everything going on.   And then if I were asked if I was nervous about getting everything finalized I would reply, most definitely.  But I would tell them of my love and respect for our little guy's birthparents.  There were a few bumps in the road, and I was a nervous wreck that last day, but everything worked out in the end.  I might share about the gifts we gave our birthparents and that we were able to meet some of their family members.  And then I would share that we traveled home with our baby in the backseat calling our family members to share the news as quickly as we could.  I would share how happy we were and how excited everyone was to hear the news.  And by that point in my story my smile would be wide, my eyes would be wet, and I would feel a great happiness in my heart.  How do I know that?  Well, because that is what is happening right now as I type this.

And that is my child's birth story.  I think it's amazing and I love it.

It's that time of the month again.

Yes it's time for ICLW.

And yes, Aunt Flo is visiting as well.  I think the thing that bothers me most about her is how she gets me irritated and moody.  I have come to terms with the realization that her arrival means no baby, but I wish I could just not get bugged with my closest friends and family when she comes by.  I am working on that.  I think I did a better job this month.  I'll have to ask my hubby.

I haven't done a welcome ICLW letter for awhile, so I thought I would do one this time.  You can see the info on the side bar of my blog.  But here it is quick and dirty.  I spent a lot of time, money, and energy doing infertility treatments and dealing with insurance companies.  None of which turned out well.  I spent some more time, money, and energy devoted towards adoption, and have reaped the benefits of it.  I have a beautiful baby boy who is a joy to be with.  He has such a pleasant, happy personality and is always smiling and laughing except for when he's not.  :D  Which isn't too often.  :D

As you can see from my header, my blog is about finding joy now, today, not later, and not tomorrow.  In the throes of life and the ups and downs it brings, I have found that if I can keep my perspective and focus on being happy, then I can get through anything--even infertility treatments and the stress of adoption.

I still write about infertility and adoption.  But now I also write about being a mom.  I also write about ordinary things like exercise, crafts, and whatever else I feel like at the moment.  I enjoy photography, reading, being outside, and learning most anything.  I am working on my cooking skills and am hoping to find pockets of time in between naps to learn how to garden, work on some crafts, and edit and digitally scrapbook my photos.  I hope you will stick around and join me in finding joy in life.

Adults say the Darndest Things

Today me and my little guy went to the mall to do a bit of shopping and run some errands.  At our first stop, we made a detour to go into a children's clothing store because they had a huge sale sign up.   And we found some nice clothes all for $2.99 or less.  I love a good bargain.

Anyhow, we were standing in line to pay for the items when the lady behind me said, "how old is your baby?"  I told her hold old he was,  To which she said, "You gave birth to him, and you look that good already?"  I replied, "I didn't give birth to him, he's adopted." She was nice and said, something like, "well he is a beautiful boy and has a beautiful mom"  and then as I was leaving she said, "you did give birth to him."  I didn't really understand that.  Because I didn't, and I don't feel like I needed to.  Whatever.

At our last stop of the day, my little guy was getting hungry, and he had already eaten all of his food, so we were just stopping super quick in this store and then I was heading home to get him more food.  (yes, I will have to bring more next time).  But so I was holding him to console him and finish burping him and the lady in front of me in line said, "Woah, you are skinny, how old is that baby?"  Before I could respond, she also said, "Is he yours?  I mean, maybe you are the mom's sister" I cooly replied, "No, he's mine, I'm his mom."  Then she said, "Well, you sure are skinny, some of us have at least 10 lbs we need to lose".  I didn't really have anything more to say to her.  I didn't feel like telling her that my little bundle of joy was adopted.  Then after she left, my little guy was getting a bit fussy and I told the lady checking us out that he was hungry and I needed to hurry home to get him some more food.  This lady then said, "you are not...(then she pointed to her breast)?"  I said, "nope" and left it at that.  Adults say and do the darndest things.  Fun times.

I don't feel the need to explain everything to everyone.  I am sure I learned that through my years of infertility.  I do enjoy it when people tell me I look really good when they see how little my baby is.  Usually I just smile, say thanks, and enjoy the accolades.

Embracing Adoption

A few weeks ago  I received a question from a reader.  The question is listed below.  I have thought about it a bit and I will do my best to answer this well thought out and sincere question.  I will try to illustrate how I came to embrace adoption through a story.  If anyone else has some advice or insight, feel free to share it.  I must also say that I like the nickname "Mrs. Joy"; that made me smile and brought me joy.

Question: 

Hi Mrs. Joy :)I have been following your sweet story, and feel blessed to have a glimpse in to your life. My husband feels like he is being prompted to adopt, so we are heading that way, but I am still struggling with the thought of not being pregnant, and actually giving birth to my baby. You said you had come to terms w/ it, was there something that helped you move past that feeling? I would really appreciate any advise, you are certianly a great example! Thanks!!! ~Haley

Answer:

To rephrase and summarize the question, it was: How did I come to terms with not being pregnant and actually giving birth to my child?

I think it was a process over time.  I don't know that it was any one thing.  

At some point early on in our infertility and realizing that having a baby was not going to be as easy as we had hoped I  happened to walk past the store "Motherhood Maternity" while in the mall.  At the point I had a breakdown.  I sat down on a bench and felt sorry for myself.  I don't know if I outright cried, but I wanted too.  I was angry and felt justified in my anger at my body, God, and those that easily become pregnant and just waltz into a store to buy maternity clothes.  All I wanted was to wear maternity clothes.  I wanted to get pregnant and have a baby.  Was that too much to ask?    

I had always been open to adoption and as time went on with the infertility treatments not working out I began to realize that adoption might really be something we might be involved in.  As time went on I realized this focus of "wearing maternity clothes" was a bit myopic.  Time and the sheer fact that infertility treatment after infertility treatment failed led us to seriously consider adoption.  When I found out I had a unicornuate uterus I learned that bedrest, preterm labor and c-section were likely in my future due to this diagnosis.  I had to give up the idea I had that I would have a natural unmedicated delivery, let alone carry a baby to term.  Trying to have twins via IVF was out of the question.  For me, these small bits of information helped me begin the process of accepting the fact that I would have to give up what little control I thought I had in this reproductive process.  

I realized there was more than one way to have children.  One would require maternity clothes, morning sickness, hormone fluctuations, ultrasounds to hear the heartbeat and learn the gender of the baby, registering for baby shower items, etc.  The other would require any length of waiting period, allowing someone else complete control over choosing us as parents, scrutiny from social workers, travel to any part of the US to meet birthparents and our child, a completely different way of announcing to friends and family of being matched, and of meeting our child for the first time, an intense amount of stress and joy in short spans of time, building relationships with people you never dreamed of, etc.  

So with time and this realization,  it really wasn't that difficult for me to "come to terms" with adoption as a means of growing our family.  Sometimes, yes, I would have a tinge of sadness if I thought, I wonder what my biological child would've looked like?  Or if I was feeling anxious or unsure of myself I would think, "why do I think I can be a good mother? or, "what if the child I adopt doesn't like me"?   It was one thing to take on the responsibility of bringing a biological child into the world, but to raise and parent an adoptive child made me really  put pressure on me to think about whether or not I was up to the task of being a good mother.   I think these questions and feelings are normal and important to recognize.  It is important to acknowledge the loss that is is to lose the dream of becoming pregnant and carrying your child.  I always recognized it as a unique and beautiful thing that I hoped to experience, so it while it was hard to set that dream aside, once I realized I had replaced it with another one just as beautiful and unique I was more than okay with adoption.  I was excited about the possibilities and joy the child we would adopt  would bring into our family.

I think having an open adoption was also nice in the fact that I know who my child will look like.  I really enjoyed getting to know my son's birth parents.  I know their personalities, traits, and physical characteristics.  My son gets his amazing good looks from his birthparents.  I will be able to tell him that and tell him what they look like and other things about them.  That gives me peace and hope that my son will be able to "come to terms" with any "loss" he might feel with adoption.  

I think time and just the realization that if I wanted children, and I did, that this was the way it could happen, and probably the only way it would happen.  I read stories and articles about adoption and I saw it as something miraculous and amazing.  I realized that not many people have the opportunity to adopt a child, and that I was lucky to be able to have this unique experience.  And unique and amazing it has been.

I think serious consideration of adoption is just a natural progression that occurs if having a child biologically is just not feasible.  It doesn't mean the child I adopt is loved any less, or that I am sorry we turned to adoption to grow our family.  I truly hope my child will know that.   I also hope society and people will realize that too.   I am so grateful to have adopted our child, it has been a great experience.  

The night or two before we left to go see our child in the hospital and finalize the adoption I had to go to the mall.  I went to the side I never go to, and saw a certain store, you guessed it, Motherhood Maternity.   I hadn't seen the store since that time years ago, and as my mind reflected back on how devastated I was at the time, this time all I could do was laugh.  As far as I was concerned, I would never enter that store, and that was perfectly fine with me.  I had other things to do, I had to hurry and find the item I was looking for and then hurry home to finish everything else I was occupied with for the adoption.  That was a great feeling. 

To get to this place here are some other things that helped: 

Blogging and writing in my journal helped me organize my thoughts and feelings.  Reading scriptures and uplifting talks by church leaders helped me feel at peace with my infertility and not be upset with my body's inability to become pregnant. Praying about what direction to take helped.  Exercising helped.  Good friends and family helped.  Humor and laughing about infertility helped.  Focusing on others and trying to help them helped.  

My advice to you is to be patient with yourself.  Let yourself take the time you need to be okay with not being pregnant and having a biological child so you can give yourself fully to the adoption process and your child that you adopt.  

I hope my story and thoughts have helped you.  

National Adoption Month

I was excited to find out that November is National Adoption Month, with Nov 20th being the specific day in that month to celebrate adoption.

I am so grateful for adoption and that in enabled me to have our beautiful baby in our home.  I just love him so much.  I am so grateful to his great birthparents.  They are wonderful people and we are happy to have them in our lives as well.  

I was looking at a website about National Adoption Month and it had some good ideas about how to celebrate it.  I thought I would share those with you.  

--celebrate your child's heritage through food, stories, culture, etc

--blog about it  (done)

--sent a thank you letter to your adoption agency

--develop a family tradition

--get together with other members of the adoption triad and learn their stories.  (I think that would be interesting.  I know some people who are adopted and I would love to hear their stories)

--make a family tree 

--scrapbook.  (I really need to do that)

--watch a movie about adoption.  

--mentor kids "aging out" of the foster system

--write in your journal about your adoption experience (that was my idea)

--invite the media to cover your adoption event.  (first I need to come up with an adoption event.  Any ideas?)

--attend an adoption support group.
--talk to your kids about adoption.  (that could apply to those who are adopted and those who aren't--to increase awareness)

--make a lifebook for or with your child

--donate items to family child services.
--send a letter or gift to birthparents  (my idea)

I would like to do some of these things to celebrate our child's adoption.

Do you have any other ideas?  

A few addendums to the previous post

Some who have read my previous post about infertility and baby loss have gotten the wrong idea.  I no longer feel the pain or loss that can come with infertility.  This was resolved awhile ago.  My pain was no longer my inability to get pregnant and give birth to my child, my pain was not being able to have children come into my home who would consider me and call me their mom.  I realize that we are all in different places in our journey through infertility and growing our families.

Sure, it would be great to wake up and be pregnant, but I don't expect it, and don't feel sad that it doesn't happen.  I have embraced this new way of growing my family.  Will I pursue more infertility treatments in the future?  Who knows?  You never want to rule anything out in this game, but at this point, I have had my fill of the RE, stirrups, hormones, BFN, etc.

It is also important to note that adopting or having a child does not cure infertility.  Sometimes it still takes time to come to terms with the emotional and psychological pain infertility has caused.  And it is important to come to terms with it.  Thankfully, I feel that I have.  Writing in this blog, learning of your stories, and focusing on finding joy on a daily basis are just some of the ways that helped me to be able to do that.

But I don't feel like my body is broken.  No one has the ideal body.

Also, no one has the ideal family.  Realizing this helped me deal with and come to terms with the fact that my family size wasn't what I wanted it to be.

My ultimate goal has always been to be a mom and to have children in my home calling me mom.  It took time to come to this realization.  I had to come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be pregnant or that I wouldn't hear my baby's heartbeat or find out his or her sex via an ultrasound at the doctor's office.  And I have embraced the perks that come with not being pregnant or going through labor.  I am thrilled that we were able to grow our family through adoption and I look forward to adopting more children.

And as far as people telling me how brave I was to go on FB...Yes, it was difficult to put myself out there.   And I still wonder if maybe I should delete it.  We'll see.  Not because what I feel has changed, but that maybe the people that read it there will also get the wrong idea about my feelings on infertility and our adoption.

And if I didn't have my little guy with me, I am pretty sure I would not have said anything unless I had already been brave enough to use the outlet of FB to get the word out that we were hoping to adopt.  There are a lot of insensitive people who say stupid things.  And whether or not you want every person you know on FB to know about such a tender and difficult trial you are experiencing is up to you.  We all know how difficult this journey is.  Sure, it would be easier if we all talked about it.  And it sure would be much easier if the general public knew how to better talk about pain, infertility and infant loss.

I just take one day at a time, one step at a time.

October

Of all the months of the year, for me, this one seems to always revolve around infertility and children.   I spent many an October crossing my fingers and holding onto hope only to find myself in tears wondering when the hole and ache in my heart would heal.  So, the fact that my hubby and I were hoping to adopt our child in October filled me with some fear and trepidation.

October is a month filled with family fun with the onset of fall and Halloween.  I have always loved seeing kids trick or treating and filled with excitement as they run around in their costumes.  I have fond memories myself of trick or treating and enjoying the smell of candles burning in jack-o-lanterns.

But with every IVF treatment ending in disaster in October, I came to hate and dread this lovely month.  Holidays are so much more fun when kids are involved.  They create the magic and excitement that comes with the holidays.

With a child in our home, October has become a happy and exciting time of year again.  We visited the pumpkin patch as a family and I reveled in the peace and happiness I felt to have a child to call my own.

For many of you, you are still waiting for the laughter of a child or even more children to come to your home.  And my heart aches for you and I hope it happens soon.

The irony was not lost on my husband and me when on our stressful adoption placement day as we were waiting for time to slowly tick by until papers would be signed that Tom Petty's song, "The waiting is the hardest part" came on.  We nervously laughed, then sighed, moaned, and groaned.  My husband said, "no kidding".  For all of those still waiting, I am thinking of you and I know how hard it is.

Our little guy

He's here and he's home!

He was a great little traveler.  Both he and his birth mother have a matching bear.  So the bear was getting to know him on the ride home.  (we sent this picture to her on the drive home)

Here I am with our little guy after his birth parents lovingly placed him in my arms.  He is so cute!

Thank you everyone for your good vibes, thoughts, and prayers.   We really appreciated them!