Coming out of Retirement

I'm back!!  Did you miss me?  

I kindof feel like Michael Jordan or Brett Farve.  Announcing my retirement from blogging, only to immediately have a change of heart.  Granted, my return to blogging will not get nearly as much press as the previously mentioned sports stars did, but nevertheless I am glad to be back.

Why the exit?

Why the return?

Brevity in blogging has never been my strong suit, but I will try to do my best.

I stopped blogging because…

            -I didn’t want to throw salt in anyone’s wounds here in the IF world as I gushed about my good fortune of becoming a mother and how much I love it.

            -I'm kind of a private person and keep a lot to myself.  Therefore, it has always seemed a little strange to think that anyone—even acquaintances (it took me about 5 minutes to spell that word correctly) or one of the handful of people that leave a bad taste in my mouth could read my blog and know all about me without my knowing about it.  And now that I have a child, the internet and cyberspace seem even bigger, thus adding to my reluctance to share very much.
           -Also, very few people IRL know about this blog, and I have worried that if people I know IRL stumble upon my blog, they might be hurt that I didn't tell them about it.  To which I reply, I meant no harm, this is just a place where I ramble.  Now that you have found me, you are welcome to stay.  

I had decided to return because…

            -I like you guys

            -Recent blog posts have helped me to see that maybe I still have some words of wisdom and wit that I can write that might help new moms, experienced moms, those still struggling to build their families, or those just struggling with other difficulties that come our way in life. 

            -I don’t want the vastness and unknown part of cyberspace to negatively affect my desires to reach out and befriend those of you with whom I can only do so thanks to the amazing technology of the internet.

To there you have it.  I’m back.  Don’t know how often I will write, or how often I will be able to read your blogs, (I have a wild and wiggly toddler at the moment, who every time I am on the computer feels compelled to get me off of it.  And I am glad he does, because spending time with him is so much more rewarding then pinning crafts and cleaning tips on virtual boards, only to never do them.  Guilty)

I try to write in my journal every other night.  I write “one line a day”, but it often is more than one line.  Also, I do it on my i.Phone, so those lines are quite short, thus I write about 20 lines a day.  I started doing it a few months ago, because it seemed like El Guapo was doing so many fun and exciting things, and while I was sure I would never forget them, I would hate to be wrong and not have a backup plan.  And I never quite got around to putting the pen to the paper, or sitting at the computer and writing.  So writing on my phone works pretty well for me.  Anyhow, since I didn’t do it tonight, I will share with you some of my favorite and memorable moments from today.

Went to the park twice.  Lucky guy, lucky me.  Seriously, the weather was amazing, felt like I was on a tropical vacation with a  nice breeze.  I could imagine the ocean lapping on the beach and the palm trees swaying.  Loved it.  Anyhow, (see it is much longer than “one line”), El Guapo knows some sign language – more and please are his favorites.  Mine too; he is so cute when he does them.  :D Maybe I will share a video of him doing it.  Anyhow, so he did it today while on the teeter totter. He does it so fast and it just makes me laugh. 

Traumatizing moment of the day.  I ran over a squirrel.  I was so traumatized, I had just run over a squirrel--eww.  It darted out so fast, I didn’t have a chance to avoid it.  I heard and felt the car crunch and thump over it and then while I was freaking out, I looked out the rear view window and saw the squirrel twitching as I drove away.  Bleh.  I felt terrible.  Meanwhile I had just called my hubby on the phone and he picked up while I was freaking out—he was sure confused.  That was the first and hopefully last time I contribute to the road kill on the streets.  Just thinking about it makes me get all squirmy. 

At times El Guapo tries my patience (as I am sure I try his).  He is a very determined little boy.  He knows what he wants, and like most of us, he likes to get his way.  Problem is, he can’t, and he doesn’t like that very much.  So he threw a few tantrums today, (wanted to play in the sink full of water, but I got tired of holding him and it was nap time, hates diaper changes, wants to eat everything in sight, doesn’t want to wear his bib when he eats , etc. (but when he rips it off before realizing there is more yummy food he wants, it is hilarious to watch him try to shove it back under his neck—makes me laugh every time).  I was feeling exhausted and beat, but after a second trip to the park on this fabulous breezy day and watching my hubby feed El Guapo (via crazy airplane mode) I was feeling better.   Papa went to a meeting after dinner, and El Guapo and I had a great time playing hide and go seek, reading books, chasing each other, and running around.  A great end to a great day.

On that note, I will end this rambling very long post.  

Where Oh Where Have I Been?

I have been here and there.  I have been busy with my little sidekick, and then I went on a fabulous vacation to Alaska  :D

I seem to have lost my blogging mo jo.  I don't quite know what I feel like writing about.  I look at your blogs, and comment occasionally, but for the most part, I have taken a sabbatical.

I am so happy for those of you that have success in your efforts of having children, and my heart aches for those of you who continue to experience setbacks and loss.

Strange, but true

Yesterday I went shopping--alone.

My little sidekick was at home hanging with his grandma while I was kicked out of the house.  It was very strange to be out on my own.  I just wandered around the stores taking my time.  It felt really weird.  I was reminded of how I used to feel before my little guy came along.  I was really bored.  Maybe another time I will love the free time.  Maybe because I didn't really have any errands I needed to get done and I was really just wasting time waiting until I could go back home that I felt the way I did.  Because I have left my little guy with others in the past and haven't felt the way I did yesterday. Though, I will admit, it did make it a bit easier to shop.  :)

Oh, and I think my little guy is finally finished with his bout of barfing and diarrhea.  Hallelujah.  This was one first (first sickness), that I didn't enjoy.  I have done way too much laundry for my liking this week.  And I have missed going to the pool during this heatwave we have been having.  But, I definitely didn't want to be the one with the kid who made the water murky, so we have steered clear of the pool this last week.

Why bother?

Many times I have wondered why I should bother filling out medical forms.  From my experience they don't seem to be read.  I cannot count the number of times I have written my medical history on forms only to have to then verbally explain it all to the nurse or doctor who has my form in front of them but didn't bother to read it.

A few weeks ago I took my little guy to the eye doctor.  On the medical history form I had to fill out there was actually a box where I could check that he was adopted.  I thought to myself,  "What a great idea.  One less thing to explain when I am asked about his medical history."  Furthermore, as I continued completing the form, when I got to the family eye history portion I clearly wrote: "Birth mother:" and then "Birthfather:"  when I wrote in familial eye information.

I guess my diligence in filling out this form was purely for my benefit and to give me something to do in the waiting room.  When the nurse was asking me about my baby's eyes, she said, "Oh, and I see that you wrote that you wear glasses and that, and that your husband is near sighted, (or whatever it was that I had put down)."  I then corrected her and told her that actually,  that information was about my son's birth parents.

She seemed a little embarrassed and flustered, but it didn't' bother me.  You see, I am used to people not reading medical records.  I do admit that seeing the "adoption box" to check on the form had gotten my hopes up that it would be read.  Oh well, that's life.

And by the way, my baby's eyes are just fine.

A whole new wardrobe

How would it be to wake up from a nap and find that you had a whole new set of clothes waiting for you? I would love that.  And if I could wear these clothes for  3 months and then have it happen again.  Even better.

Today I am cleaning out my little guy's clothes.  He keeps growing and growing.  The first few months he breezed through his newborn clothes and had jumped into his 3 month clothes by the time he was 2 months old.  Then he took his time enjoying those clothes, but is now wanting to get a chance to wear his 3-6 month and 6 month clothes before he grows out of them.

Baby clothes sizing is so tricky.  I am looking at the 6 month clothes and they say they will fit babies 12-16 lbs and 24-26 inches.  Well, my baby is 17 lbs and 27 inches.  And they are just now fitting him.  Or maybe they would've fit him sooner, and now I am worried that he will only get to wear these clothes a few weeks.  Aaah.  I guess it's good to have these types of problems to worry about.  I am sure he will help me out by drooling and spitting all over them so he can wear 2-3 outfits a day.

I hope these clothes don't shrink in the wash, or I'll really be in trouble.  So far I haven't had any trouble with his clothes shrinking.  I have learned a little bit more about the many knobs on my washer and dryer and what they mean.  I know, technically I should wash them before he wears them, but I don't.  He had so many 3 month size clothes and I thought he would wear them just a few weeks at the rate he had been growing that I exchanged some of them for 6 month size clothes. And now it seems like I have too many 6 month clothes. Oh well.  I'll just see what he gets through and then if he doesn't get to wear some of the ones with tags on I will exchange them for a bigger size.  But he will probably have just enough and my worries will be for naught.

I am a bit concerned about the clothes I have that say they are a 6-12 month size.  That is quite a range.  I am hoping they will fit him when he is 9-12 months old.  

It has been both sad and exciting to organize my little one's drawers.  Sad to put his cute little onesies I love away, but exciting to see the new ones he will wear.  I think of the people that gave him those clothes and the love they have for my little guy and it brings a smile to my face.  I have such happy memories when I look at the clothes my little guy has worn.

Who knew you could get so sentimental about clothing?  

My husband's aunt gave him this pj outfit.  He looks so cute in them.  I will be sad when he no longer fits into these.  I am glad I put them on him early.  The size said 6 months, but they barely fit him when he was 3 months. And then they seemed to stretch out a bit and they still fit him.  I think he will wear these to bed tonight.

 Our son's birthfather's sister gave him this outfit.  It was so thoughtful and nice of her. 

One of my brothers gave him this Letterman's jacket.  I love it when it is cold enough for him to wear it.  And I get sad when he gets too warm and I need to take it off. 

Another brother of mine gave him this outfit.  I was feeling "bananas over my baby" and had fun making two of him with the photobooth feature on my computer.  :D  You can never have too much of a good thing.

Rice Try

This week has been filled with adventures for me and my little guy.  He started eating rice cereal.  The first time I gave it to my little guy he did not know what to do with it.  It reminded me of when a dog is fed peanut butter.  The dog just moves it around in his mouth and his tongue goes crazy and then it all drools out.  That is what happened for us and rice cereal.  I like to think that if my monkey could talk, he would've said, "rice try" to my attempts to feed him.

He has done better all of the times since then, except today.  I was feeding him in his bumbo chair where I can sit him up a bit, but he kept trying to get out of it so I went and sat on the sofa, and then held him on my lap and tried to feed him.  We have done this before, without any difficulties.  But not today.  The rice cereal spilled and made a mess.  Oh well.  I tried to clean it up and was afraid I had stained the sofa, but it is looking better now.  I am guessing this won't be the last stain my sofa gets.  I can just imagine kids throwing up on it or spilling on it, and then if they don't I'm sure I will drop something on it.  But I will think twice before I try feeding him on the sofa again.  I now have a better understanding as to why parents are so adamant that their kids not eat on the sofa or carpet.  It is hard to clean up.  

Everything but the kitchen sink

At least that's what it feels like.

I am going on a trip with my little boy.   And just the packing alone about did me in.  It takes me forever just to get out the door for a trip to the grocery store with him, so you can imagine how long it took to pack and make sure I had everything I might need for a week away.

I hope the flight goes well.  I will pray for no delays, no big spit ups or blow outs, and hopefully my fellow passengers won't regret sitting next to me.  It looks like it's a full flight.  My hubby is staying home, so it is just me and the little one.

Wish me luck.

We will have a fun time.  My little guy will get to meet more of my siblings, cousins, aunts/uncles, and one more set of grandparents.  We are looking forward to it.

From flip flops to snow shoes

Saturday and Sunday I was enjoying the lovely winter weather outside in a t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops.  Today I am sitting inside watching the wind blow while the snow that fell begins to turn to ice.  I ventured out of my house once to see if the mailman had come.  Apparently he took a snow day.  I don't blame him one bit.  I was sad it was too cold to go out and play in the snow.  One of these days I will build a snowman for my little guy.  I am excited to do that.  I have built snowmen alone, with friend's kids, and with my husband all in hopes that someday I could play in the snow with my little one.  I know my little guy can't play in the snow with me yet, but soon he will, and when he does, we will have "snow" much fun.

Adventures in Couponing

So I have decided to try my hand at "couponing".  I hadn't realized that the act of using a bunch of coupons and groceries for next to nothing had it's own verb.  I have clipped coupons off and on for years, only to lose them, forget them, or have them expire.  But when I saw a recent FB post of a friend talking about how she was "couponing"  I was intrigued.  We are now a one income family and I wanted to work a little harder at saving money where possible.  And I thought, if I truly can buy things as cheap as "couponers" say you can, maybe I can donate some of my items to a local food bank.  I have been looking for ways to help in my community, but it is a little tricky with my little one.

Another reason I stopped clipping coupons was because I thought that I don't need or buy half the stuff that are on the coupons.  I don't eat frozen foods, and I try to avoid all of the boxed and processed stuff as much as possible.  I try to stick to the periphery of the grocery store.  But, I do use some canned foods like beans, tomatoes, and corn.  And I buy pasta and toiletry items.  All of those items have coupons regularly.  So I decided to give it a go again.  I looked at a few blogs and sites, got organized, and then, because I had to pick something up for tomorrow I decided I would go to the store tonight.  The sites I read recommended you go at a time when the store isn't busy--morning or evening.  My baby was in bed, so I decided I would go to the store tonight, and I would pick up my 3 coupon related items and then the other item on my list.

Well, apparently tomorrow it is supposed to get cold around here, so that was another reason I decided to just go tonight so I didn't need to go out with my little guy tomorrow.  Well, the store was packed.  And then the items I wanted to buy with my coupons were almost completely out.  Apparently, I am not the only "couponer" out there.  But I might be the only rookie.  I got my items, and some of them, if you bought 10 of the items (that would cost me 20-30 cents) I would get $5 off at the checkout.  That sounded like a pretty good deal.  So I did that.  And thought, cool, I will be a coupon expert my first time and have a receipt total of something like $1.

Too bad things didn't work out quite the way I had hoped.  I got it line.  No one was behind me until I got to the front of the line.  And then I had 2 people pull up ready to get checked out and on their way.  My items were rung up and it came to $15.  First of all, I have no idea how it all those cans came to $15, but I had people behind me, and I didn't want to squabble over every little thing.  But, I did tell the checker that she didn't take $5 off.  She said, I only bought 8 eligible items.  I said no, I counted them them as they went down the conveyer belt, and that actually I had purchased 11 items.   She pulled out the receipt and said nope, only 8.  So I said, "ok, can I run and get 2 more cans?"  She said, "okay", but her face said, "are you kidding me?"

She was less than thrilled.  I wasn't too happy either.  And the people behind me definitely weren't either.   I ran and got 2 more cans of corn.  She rang them up, and said, "those didn't work".  I said, "they were on the shelf with the sale tag.  What do you mean they didn't work?"  She told me, I got the mixed yellow and white corn, and the deal was only for the yellow corn.  Now I was the one thinking, "Are you kidding me?  I thought this couponing thing was supposed to be a cinch."  I asked the checker if she could just override it.  But apparently a can of yellow corn and a can of yellow/white corn is that big of a difference and she wasn't able to do that.  I asked, "Do you mind if I go grab the different cans then?"  I apologized to the people behind me and then ran even faster to get the correct cans.  You can imagine how happy they were at this point.  I ran back, finished my transaction, and got out of there as fast as I could.

And that was my first experience in my attempt to become a "couponer".  To be completely honest, I am not looking forward to the next time I go "couponing".  It doesn't sound as exciting as it did last week.  I am not sure all that running around was worth saving $5, if I even saved that.  I was so confused by the end, and just wanted to leave.  But, I am not one to give up so easily, so I will give it the "old college try" again.  

Wish me luck.  I'm gonna need it.

My dream job

is the one I have.  I had no idea I would go through such a rigorous process to become a mom; but I am so grateful I made it.

I no longer work outside the home, and it is so wonderful to be at home full time to care for my little one.

I remember the day I found out we had been matched for our adoption I was talking with a friend who had come by my hospital that day.  As I was walking her and one of her kids out to the car we were chatting and she told me that I had her "dream job".  I replied, "And you have mine.  Wanna switch?"  She is a sweet friend and knew of my infertility issues, so we always talked freely about everything.  The funny thing about this conversation was that I hadn't told her yet of our hopes to adopt.  And I didn't receive the call from our agency until later that afternoon.  So it was fun to call her back and tell her that soon I would be getting my dream job.

I love being a mom.  Last night my husband and I were sitting on the couch making faces and sounds with our baby.  And he would laugh and coo and it was so fun.  This was what I had been waiting for all this time.  He has brought so much happiness and joy into my home.  I can't imagine life without him.  It makes me look back and be even more at peace with all the negative infertility treatments, because if they hadn't failed, I don't know that we would have pursued adoption, or if we had it would've been much later and we wouldn't have our little guy with us as part of our family.

I hate being on my period

Why do I have to get so crabby, irritated, and emotional?  No idea.  I really want to just go to sleep and have a new day to start fresh on, but unfortunately I took a late afternoon nap and don't feel tired at all.  Bummer.

Having a unicornuate uterus with a very thin lining makes it so my bleeding is next to nothing.  You would think that would come with the additional perk of very little irritability and emotional ups and downs.  But no such luck.  I think I will put a request in to the "Man upstairs" that He gives those of us dealing with infertility a break when it comes to dealing with this monthly visitor of ours.  I don't think that is too much to ask.  Also, you would think that with dealing with this month after month for how many years, I would've figured out how to ride this wave of irritability.  Nope, sure haven't.  I think one mistake I made this month was thinking I had figured it out.  I guess the bright side is, I will get another opportunity next month to see if I learned anything.  Don't hold your breath on that one.

I like to think I am easy to live with the rest of the month, but right now I am really not so sure.  Right now I just don't remember what my excuses are the rest of the time.

Enough of this already.

I guess I will go peek in on my sleeping baby and that will bring a smile to my face and make everything better.  Looks like he is awake and wants a little snack and some snuggle time.  I am happy to oblige him.

*update*  Yep, the snuggle time with my baby did the trick.  There is something about holding him and listening to his heavy breathing that just brings peace and happiness to my heart.  Now, I am off to try and get some zzzzs as well.

Adventures in Nail and Hair Care

I have officially declared war on my son's sharp nails and cradle cap, (unaffectionately also referred to as cradle crap).

I will focus on his nails tonight.  I file them everyday but to no avail.  They keep growing, and they are always sharp.  If my little guy isn't careful, he will live with socks on his hands until he learns to stop scratching his face.  Any ideas when that might be?

I tried clipping his nails, that was quite a feat that I was unable to repeat many times.  I would wait until his was asleep, try to clip them, only to end up waking him up.

Then I started filing them, and that has worked out better.  We actually have a little system down.  While he drinks his milk, I work on his nails.  Thank goodness for the art of distraction.  But like I said, by the end of the day, or for sure by the next morning, at least one of his nails will be sharp, and my quest to keep his nails smooth continues.

Thankfully, he doesn't scratch his face too much, but I hate it when I see a fresh scratch.  I obsessively check and feel his nails to figure out which one caused the damage.  Then I find a bottle of milk and my trusty file and continue my adventures with my child's nails.

Taking time for me

That is hard for me to do lately. I am constantly watching over and caring for my little guy and either run out of time or don't make the time.

Well tonight I was making dinner and was just exhausted. I barely had the energy to eat it. Thankfully, my hubby sent me to take a bubble bath and said he would watch the little guy the rest of the night. Hip hip hooray for my hubby.

The bubble bath was so relXing and was just what I needed. I think it I need to start making time for me. I will be a much better and happier person, wife, and mother if I do that

I guess the time has come to get my butt in gear and start waking up early enough to exercise. Aaargh. It will be worth it though. I also have to take the time to eat. My baby gets to eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, so I guess I should take a turn too.

The Year in Review

I always like the end of the year when you are reminded of the big stories and news items of the year.

It has been quite a year for me.  Here is a quick review of the year:

1. Started this blog.

2. Went to Australia

3.  Finished our adoption profile.

4.  We were chosen and met our son's birthparents

5.  We brought our sweet baby home and life as we knew it changed.  Woo Hoo!

Looking back I would say, we had a really good year.  I had no idea it would turn out this great, but I am so glad it did.  Can't wait to see what the next year brings.  I am sure it will bring ups and downs.  In the hard moments I hope I will remember that just when I think things won't turn around, that they just might.  

Happy New Year.  

A great invention

has to be the drive-thru.

Now how to get grocery and retail stores to utilize them?

I had no idea how time consuming and tiring it is to take a baby in and out of a car and in and out of a store.  Without fail, by the time we get out of the house (which is a time consuming and amazing feat in and of itself), and as soon as we get to a store, my little guy is either hungry, dirty, or usually both.  So, we find a comfy spot, take a seat, and I feed and change him.  I wonder why I even bothered to try to leave the house in the first place.  I then have a small window of time to accomplish everything.

Then, like yesterday as I got him back in the car, he had fallen asleep, so I thought to myself, "hmm, should I try to run to the grocery store real quick?"  I had only been trying to get there all week.  I had my list with me, which I usually lose by the time I get to the store, but this time I hadn't.  So I went to the store, had almost finished shopping when he woke up.  I told him, we just had eggs, yogurt, and cheese left to get, so to please hang on, and then we would be on our way.

When we are out and about I always tell him the plan, but sometimes the plan changes.  He is a real trooper, and very patient while we shop, but it seems that if I try to get a few more things off the list or start to get distracted in a store, he starts to get fussy, so I tell him, "ok, you're right, I said we were just going to do these few things, thanks for keeping me focused", and then we finish up and leave.  We have fun together.

Well, while at the grocery store, I decided I wanted some icecream and then I wondered if we had milk, so I texted my hubby and we had a confusing conversation.  I asked him, "Do you need anything at the store?" and "Do we have any milk?"  He said no.  I realized I had asked him 2 questions, and only received one response.  So I asked back: "No, you don't need anything, or no we don't have milk?"  He didn't respond back, and my little guy was ready to go so I didn't get milk, but it ended up that we needed some.  So at some point I will need to make another trip to the grocery.  Just that thought exhausts me.  Maybe I will send the hubs out to get some.  

By the time I was back in the car with the groceries and baby loaded, my baby was crying.  He was ready to be back home.  And little did he know, we had one more errand to run.  While on my way to the store I had asked another sleep deprived friend if she needed me to pick up anything for her at the grocery store.  I had to swing by her house (super close to mine) and give her the eggs.  So we did.  And then we went home.  Thank goodness for pacifiers--that helped him get through those last difficult minutes of running around.

If a grocery store could just have a small drive up window where they sold a few items like gift cards, milk, eggs, bread, a few veggies, chocolate, and ice cream, that would be great.

If retail stores could even just have a drive up window where you could return an item without going into the store until a later time that would save me so much time, and be awesome.

After 3 days of running around town we are staying put the rest of the week.  Or at least until I can go out with my husband on Sat. and we can tag team some of the errands.

Although, there are some things worth getting out of the house for...

Pictures with Santa!

singing a Christmas Carol with Santa

Our fun visit with Santa yesterday was worth all the effort it took to get out of the house.   And I don't know how a drive thru Santa Claus visit would work.

The wonders of OxiClean

There are many things I didn't know until I became a mom.  One of those is the power of OxiClean.  Now I know why Billy Mays was so passionate about this product.  It's because it works.  I love it.   My baby always seems to poop on his really cute outfits and now instead of worrying about whether or not the yellow stains will come out, I confidently go to my bottle of OxiClean and spray away.  It has become a good friend of mine.

A Christmas Miracle

During December, whenever something good, (big or small), happens, my husband always says, "It's a Christmas miracle."  It always makes me laugh, but it is fun to call the little joys in life, "Christmas miracles".

Well, today I woke up to a Christmas miracle.  My boy had slept through the night.  A whole 7 hrs of uninterrupted sleep.  I heard him stirring and starting to cry so I pulled myself out of bed thinking it was 3 am.  I looked at the clock and to my surprise it was 5 am.  There was a spring in my step as I went to the fridge to get my little guy's bottle out.  He slept like this once last week, but we hadn't been able to replicate it until now.  And the first time it happened we had really been wondering if we had just been so exhausted that we hadn't heard him cry for us.  So, this time when I looked at him, I was happy to see that he was still bundled up and was just waking up.

A Christmas miracle indeed.  Thanks for the early Christmas present little guy!

What do you want?

Hmm, little guy?  Is it too early to teach you some baby sign language?  The books say not to start until you are 6 months, but how about we start now?

Actually, he has some signs of his own, the problem is when we have used them all up and he just stares at me just like he is doing now.

Some of his signs are:

He head butts me or tries to be a boxer when he's hungry--it's pretty funny.   He will also suck on his pacifier when he is hungry, otherwise he wants nothing to do with it.  So sometimes I will test him with it.  He grunts and kicks his legs when he is working on filling his diaper or trying to get rid of some gas.  And he gives me cute sleepy grins (I love those) and yawns when he is tired.

Sometimes he does all of that at the same time.  I tell him that not many guys are great multi taskers, so there is no need to try to do it all at once.  He will also suck on his pacifier when he is hungry, otherwise he wants nothing to do with it.  So sometimes I will check to see if he is hungry by having him suck on his pacifier.  The only problem is that sometimes when I try he is too busy trying to poop and will act like he isn't hungry only to fuss about it a few minutes later.  Boys, I tell you, they are hard to figure out.

I think right now my little guy is working on a poop.  How do I know?  Easy, I heard him fart.
And I knew he was sleepy, now he is finally falling asleep, but I will end up waking him up when I change him.  Which will probably make him remember that he is hungry also.  This post is starting to sound like the children's book, "When you give a mouse a cookie."  Only my book will be called, "When you change your child's diaper."

My child has an insatiable appetite and is currently in one of his baby growth spurts which makes him want to eat even more.  So, I guess I need to stop typing and continue this vicious cycle we have found ourselves in all day.  I was hoping to go to bed at 7 pm right after I fed him.  Well, here we are a few diaper changes and snacks later still awake at 9:30 pm.  I guess I will "sleep when the baby sleeps"  (the sage advice everyone loves to give a new mom) since I can't when he's awake :D  Slight problem with that is--he won't sleep.

Oh, and lest I forget to mention.  When this child finally falls asleep, he will wake up as soon as I put him down.  So, maybe I will ask him to try to put me to bed instead.  And then he can stay up and get his nighttime bottles ready and do some of his baby laundry.  I think it would be a win win for everyone involved.

Toodleloo

Good night to someone.  I am afraid it won't be me or my baby anytime soon.  :D

** 10 pm update:  baby is asleep, in bed, and I am headed that way in just a few minutes after I get the bottles made.  **  I don't think my baby knew what he wanted.  That's where I come in.  I get to help him out or patiently wait until he figures it out for himself.   He had a few more sips of milk, small dirty diaper, big burp, some soft lullaby music with a little more cuddle time with his mom, and that did it for him.  That was all he needed.  I'm glad I could be there for him.

Embracing Adoption

A few weeks ago  I received a question from a reader.  The question is listed below.  I have thought about it a bit and I will do my best to answer this well thought out and sincere question.  I will try to illustrate how I came to embrace adoption through a story.  If anyone else has some advice or insight, feel free to share it.  I must also say that I like the nickname "Mrs. Joy"; that made me smile and brought me joy.

Question: 

Hi Mrs. Joy :)I have been following your sweet story, and feel blessed to have a glimpse in to your life. My husband feels like he is being prompted to adopt, so we are heading that way, but I am still struggling with the thought of not being pregnant, and actually giving birth to my baby. You said you had come to terms w/ it, was there something that helped you move past that feeling? I would really appreciate any advise, you are certianly a great example! Thanks!!! ~Haley

Answer:

To rephrase and summarize the question, it was: How did I come to terms with not being pregnant and actually giving birth to my child?

I think it was a process over time.  I don't know that it was any one thing.  

At some point early on in our infertility and realizing that having a baby was not going to be as easy as we had hoped I  happened to walk past the store "Motherhood Maternity" while in the mall.  At the point I had a breakdown.  I sat down on a bench and felt sorry for myself.  I don't know if I outright cried, but I wanted too.  I was angry and felt justified in my anger at my body, God, and those that easily become pregnant and just waltz into a store to buy maternity clothes.  All I wanted was to wear maternity clothes.  I wanted to get pregnant and have a baby.  Was that too much to ask?    

I had always been open to adoption and as time went on with the infertility treatments not working out I began to realize that adoption might really be something we might be involved in.  As time went on I realized this focus of "wearing maternity clothes" was a bit myopic.  Time and the sheer fact that infertility treatment after infertility treatment failed led us to seriously consider adoption.  When I found out I had a unicornuate uterus I learned that bedrest, preterm labor and c-section were likely in my future due to this diagnosis.  I had to give up the idea I had that I would have a natural unmedicated delivery, let alone carry a baby to term.  Trying to have twins via IVF was out of the question.  For me, these small bits of information helped me begin the process of accepting the fact that I would have to give up what little control I thought I had in this reproductive process.  

I realized there was more than one way to have children.  One would require maternity clothes, morning sickness, hormone fluctuations, ultrasounds to hear the heartbeat and learn the gender of the baby, registering for baby shower items, etc.  The other would require any length of waiting period, allowing someone else complete control over choosing us as parents, scrutiny from social workers, travel to any part of the US to meet birthparents and our child, a completely different way of announcing to friends and family of being matched, and of meeting our child for the first time, an intense amount of stress and joy in short spans of time, building relationships with people you never dreamed of, etc.  

So with time and this realization,  it really wasn't that difficult for me to "come to terms" with adoption as a means of growing our family.  Sometimes, yes, I would have a tinge of sadness if I thought, I wonder what my biological child would've looked like?  Or if I was feeling anxious or unsure of myself I would think, "why do I think I can be a good mother? or, "what if the child I adopt doesn't like me"?   It was one thing to take on the responsibility of bringing a biological child into the world, but to raise and parent an adoptive child made me really  put pressure on me to think about whether or not I was up to the task of being a good mother.   I think these questions and feelings are normal and important to recognize.  It is important to acknowledge the loss that is is to lose the dream of becoming pregnant and carrying your child.  I always recognized it as a unique and beautiful thing that I hoped to experience, so it while it was hard to set that dream aside, once I realized I had replaced it with another one just as beautiful and unique I was more than okay with adoption.  I was excited about the possibilities and joy the child we would adopt  would bring into our family.

I think having an open adoption was also nice in the fact that I know who my child will look like.  I really enjoyed getting to know my son's birth parents.  I know their personalities, traits, and physical characteristics.  My son gets his amazing good looks from his birthparents.  I will be able to tell him that and tell him what they look like and other things about them.  That gives me peace and hope that my son will be able to "come to terms" with any "loss" he might feel with adoption.  

I think time and just the realization that if I wanted children, and I did, that this was the way it could happen, and probably the only way it would happen.  I read stories and articles about adoption and I saw it as something miraculous and amazing.  I realized that not many people have the opportunity to adopt a child, and that I was lucky to be able to have this unique experience.  And unique and amazing it has been.

I think serious consideration of adoption is just a natural progression that occurs if having a child biologically is just not feasible.  It doesn't mean the child I adopt is loved any less, or that I am sorry we turned to adoption to grow our family.  I truly hope my child will know that.   I also hope society and people will realize that too.   I am so grateful to have adopted our child, it has been a great experience.  

The night or two before we left to go see our child in the hospital and finalize the adoption I had to go to the mall.  I went to the side I never go to, and saw a certain store, you guessed it, Motherhood Maternity.   I hadn't seen the store since that time years ago, and as my mind reflected back on how devastated I was at the time, this time all I could do was laugh.  As far as I was concerned, I would never enter that store, and that was perfectly fine with me.  I had other things to do, I had to hurry and find the item I was looking for and then hurry home to finish everything else I was occupied with for the adoption.  That was a great feeling. 

To get to this place here are some other things that helped: 

Blogging and writing in my journal helped me organize my thoughts and feelings.  Reading scriptures and uplifting talks by church leaders helped me feel at peace with my infertility and not be upset with my body's inability to become pregnant. Praying about what direction to take helped.  Exercising helped.  Good friends and family helped.  Humor and laughing about infertility helped.  Focusing on others and trying to help them helped.  

My advice to you is to be patient with yourself.  Let yourself take the time you need to be okay with not being pregnant and having a biological child so you can give yourself fully to the adoption process and your child that you adopt.  

I hope my story and thoughts have helped you.  

Flip Flopping

Sometimes I feel like a politician.  There are politicians who are known for frequently switching their positions.  Whether or not you agree with them is beside the point.  This is just what they are known for.

Well, I am beginning to wonder if I am a flip flopper.  I can’t seem to make up my mind.  One day I am totally fine with God’s plan for me, and think I can do this, and then the next, not so much.  I feel confused and upset and aggravated.  Then I go to bed and wake up and think, okay I can do this, things will work out.  All of this flip flopping is driving me crazy. 

Here’s how the latest occurred.  It was Sunday, and I was talking about something that has been on my mind for awhile.  My hubby simply asked, “have you prayed about it?” 

I replied something to the effect of: “yeah, but just praying about something doesn’t make it happen”.  Sometimes my hubby is so full of faith and I just feel like I am floundering.  Things are so simple for him, and so complex for me.  I was slightly annoyed that he thought I could just pray and things would be solved.  Didn’t he have any idea how many prayers of mine have gone unanswered?  I was slightly upset at him, but we worked it out, because really it was God I was mad at.  I was mad because how am I supposed to believe I can pray to Him and have things work out when it seems like so many things aren’t?  

Of course this occurred minutes before we were supposed to go to church.  I didn’t want to go.  I never just skip church, but so many times this year I have wanted to.  This was another one of those days.  I almost stayed, but then with the convincing of my hubby and sock monkey I decided to go.  (If you just read that last sentence you will know how weird I am.  I just love my stuffed monkeys)  My hubby was having Stanley my sock monkey talk with his arms folded asking me why I wouldn’t go to church, and how was he ever going to learn about God if I didn’t teach him, etc.   And then he would kiss me with his big fat red sock monkey lips.  It was pretty funny. 

Anyhow, so I went to church, it was okay.  I was getting through it until the last class.  It was the worst.  And it made me wish I had stayed at home.  It was about the scriptures and I had to hear people talking about how the scriptures are a great guide for them and when we aren’t praying and reading the scriptures that is when life is the worst.  That isn’t necessarily true.  I read and pray and life still brings hard times.  So I got mad and sad again.  It was one of the longest classes in the world, but finally it ended and I was able to go home. 

One of the hard parts about it was last week my hubby and I had discussed the talk this lesson was on and we had a great discussion and I was full of faith and conviction about how great the scriptures were, but now a few days later, I was bitter and sad.  I was just flip flopping again.

One of my biggest fears with all of this infertility stuff was that I would end up turning away from God.  But many times it seems that He has turned away from me.  I am trying to hang on to my faith in Him, but sometimes it is really hard.  

Oh well, life goes on, right?  Yep.  So I went to bed, felt a little better when I woke up, and now am back to feeling a little “blah” after writing this.  Oh well, guess I better flip flop my emotions again and go work out or eat a yummy breakfast.  

Or maybe I’ll see if I can run for mayor or council member.  With all of experience with flip flopping my feelings on God and life in general maybe I’ll be pretty good at politics.  Yeah right.  I would hate to be a politician.