Loyalty

Thank you to all you commented on my post yesterday, it was very helpful.  I took time to talk w/ God last night and I feel like we patched things up a bit. 

When I woke up this morning, I started thinking about loyalty and what it means to be loyal.  I remembered this article I had read/heard about before, so I went searching online and was pleased to find it. 

Here is the part I was thinking about when I woke up: 

“We often refer to those who continue in their commitments to Christ as being “faithful.” In the Old Testament, the words for faith, faithful, and faithfulness all come from the Hebrew ‘aman, which means “to be firm or reliable” and implies primarily qualities of loyalty and determination. Thus, being faithful means that we can be trusted to keep our commitments. . . Enduring to the end is keeping those promises throughout our lives—no matter what. It means we don’t quit because of life’s difficulties or temptations. Conversely, failing to endure means backing away from what we’ve started—first promising loyalty to God and then withholding what we promised. Endurance is not so much a matter of stamina as it is a matter of loyalty and integrity. Can you be trusted to faithfully hold your course? Just as a spouse who can be trusted to keep the marriage covenant is called faithful, so those who can be trusted to keep their gospel covenants are called faithful.

I once knew a man who had to decide whether to pay his tithing every time his check came, whether to go to his meetings every time they were held. . . Finally a friend asked him: “Why can’t you just decide once and for all which side you’re on? Why do you have to re-examine your loyalty every time a decision is called for? You are spiritually reinventing the wheel over and over again, and you will never make any progress until you can build on what you already know.”

A few weeks later he called his friend and asked for a ride to some stake meetings. The friend was pleased he was going, and when he told him so, the man responded: “You know, I wouldn’t like it if my wife told me she had to decide every morning whether she still loved me or not, or if she told me she only stayed with me because she hadn’t found a reason to leave—yet. I guess the Lord is entitled to more of a commitment than that from me. I’m ready to stop reinventing the wheel and move on.”

…There must come some point at which our commitment to the gospel and our conviction of its truth settles questions of faith in advance and predetermines our response to whatever challenges that commitment.” Stephen E. Robinson, “Enduring to the End,” Ensign, Oct 1993, 12  

I have experienced how it feels when someone I love stopped communicating with me.  All efforts to continue correspondence fell on deaf ears, with no explanation given.  It was rude and hurtful.  I thought, am I guilty of doing the same when it comes to God?  He has upset me, and while I can assume He knows I’m angry, I am ignoring Him and not taking the time to talk to Him about it.  He should have a chance to let me see His point of view as well.  Instead, I was shutting him out the same way this person did to me.  I didn’t like it when this was done to me, because I was under the impression this person and I were good friends.  "Que sera, sera"  translation: What will be, will be.  I can’t force other people to do what I want, I am only responsible for my own actions.  The same is true with God.  He won’t control us, and He won’t force, if we don't want to talk to Him or be close to Him, He will leave us alone.   

So the question was: Would I be a friend to God?  

Would I as it says in Proverbs 17: 17, Be “A friend [who] loveth at all times”? 

Or would I reject and abandon Him when the going got tough? 

In John 15: 13-15, Christ said: “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.  Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.  Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. 

While it may sound sacrilegious to some, it seemed like a nice thought to consider whether or not I was a friend to God, and whether or not He would call me His friend.  Could He count of me to stand by Him and be His friend through thick and thin even if I didn't always agree with Him?  

I hope so.  Or a more committed response to that question would be --Yes.  Or: you got that right.  Or better yet: Claro que si.  Translation:  Of course.  

Flip Flopping

Sometimes I feel like a politician.  There are politicians who are known for frequently switching their positions.  Whether or not you agree with them is beside the point.  This is just what they are known for.

Well, I am beginning to wonder if I am a flip flopper.  I can’t seem to make up my mind.  One day I am totally fine with God’s plan for me, and think I can do this, and then the next, not so much.  I feel confused and upset and aggravated.  Then I go to bed and wake up and think, okay I can do this, things will work out.  All of this flip flopping is driving me crazy. 

Here’s how the latest occurred.  It was Sunday, and I was talking about something that has been on my mind for awhile.  My hubby simply asked, “have you prayed about it?” 

I replied something to the effect of: “yeah, but just praying about something doesn’t make it happen”.  Sometimes my hubby is so full of faith and I just feel like I am floundering.  Things are so simple for him, and so complex for me.  I was slightly annoyed that he thought I could just pray and things would be solved.  Didn’t he have any idea how many prayers of mine have gone unanswered?  I was slightly upset at him, but we worked it out, because really it was God I was mad at.  I was mad because how am I supposed to believe I can pray to Him and have things work out when it seems like so many things aren’t?  

Of course this occurred minutes before we were supposed to go to church.  I didn’t want to go.  I never just skip church, but so many times this year I have wanted to.  This was another one of those days.  I almost stayed, but then with the convincing of my hubby and sock monkey I decided to go.  (If you just read that last sentence you will know how weird I am.  I just love my stuffed monkeys)  My hubby was having Stanley my sock monkey talk with his arms folded asking me why I wouldn’t go to church, and how was he ever going to learn about God if I didn’t teach him, etc.   And then he would kiss me with his big fat red sock monkey lips.  It was pretty funny. 

Anyhow, so I went to church, it was okay.  I was getting through it until the last class.  It was the worst.  And it made me wish I had stayed at home.  It was about the scriptures and I had to hear people talking about how the scriptures are a great guide for them and when we aren’t praying and reading the scriptures that is when life is the worst.  That isn’t necessarily true.  I read and pray and life still brings hard times.  So I got mad and sad again.  It was one of the longest classes in the world, but finally it ended and I was able to go home. 

One of the hard parts about it was last week my hubby and I had discussed the talk this lesson was on and we had a great discussion and I was full of faith and conviction about how great the scriptures were, but now a few days later, I was bitter and sad.  I was just flip flopping again.

One of my biggest fears with all of this infertility stuff was that I would end up turning away from God.  But many times it seems that He has turned away from me.  I am trying to hang on to my faith in Him, but sometimes it is really hard.  

Oh well, life goes on, right?  Yep.  So I went to bed, felt a little better when I woke up, and now am back to feeling a little “blah” after writing this.  Oh well, guess I better flip flop my emotions again and go work out or eat a yummy breakfast.  

Or maybe I’ll see if I can run for mayor or council member.  With all of experience with flip flopping my feelings on God and life in general maybe I’ll be pretty good at politics.  Yeah right.  I would hate to be a politician.

What IF infertility negatively affects my relationship with God?

National Infertility Awareness Week (4/12-5/1) is underway and in order to raise more awareness resolve.org and stirrup-queens.com are currently involved in Project IF part 2.  Here is the link to Resolve as well.

I have chosen to write a "what IF" about how infertility impacts a relationship.

What IF infertility negatively affects my relationship with God and I end up losing my faith in Him?

Once I realized how difficult IF was, I knew I my spiritual strength would be tested, but I had no idea to what degree. 

I am a pretty religious person, and knew that God answers prayers.  I also knew that I had to accept His will, and His timing.   But I was confident that sooner or later, our two concepts of timing would coincide. 

As time went on, I began to think I needed to buy God a watch.  Did He not realize that my biological clock was ticking?  Even enduring a month to wait to get into a doctor for a consult was difficult.  Time seemed to crawl when I was waiting a few weeks for my period to come and go so I could get started on treatments.  Then when we took a break between treatments, I could hardly stand to wait.  I felt like I was running out of time.  Apparently I was not. 

My first negative IVF cycle nearly broke me.  I was crushed.  I was angry.   I hated hearing people say, “trust in God and His timing.”  I wondered why does He get all the credit when things go great, and then when things don’t go as planned; it just gets chalked up to His timing and His will. 

With time things got better.  I still didn’t enjoy hearing people tell trite little stories about how they lost something and then prayed to find it, and lo and behold God answered their prayer.  But I tuned it out and didn’t let it affect me too much. 

Then we decided to try IVF again.  I prayed and prayed to know if this really was something we should spend our time and emotional energy on.  I was keenly aware of where this could lead me emotionally if things didn’t work out.   We decided this was something we should do again.  I was more stressed than ever.  I did acupuncture which helped a lot.  I was most scared that if the test came back negative I would lose my faith in God, and to me--nothing was worth that.   I studied scriptures, I prayed.  I tried to stay calm.   

I was a wreck on the day of my beta results.  But lo and behold, they came back positive.  I couldn’t believe it.  I let myself relax and feel joy.  And then, as happy as I felt is how sad and sorrowful I became as it eventually became evident that I was no longer pregnant. 

All of my plans to not be angry with God went out the window.  It wasn’t immediate, but I admit, I did get angry with Him.  The anger passed fairly quickly because I knew from the first time that it wasn't fun to be angry with God.  But I was a bit disillusioned.  It seemed like He was playing a cruel joke on me.  If it wasn't going to work out, why did I feel like I should try again?   If it wasn't going to work out, why let me have a positive beta?  Ironically, that Sunday at church I taught a lesson on prayer.  I held it together until I said “I knew God answered prayers, but sometimes His answer was no.”  I took a break from IF--at least from talking about it or considering any treatments.    

Life was a bit rocky for awhile.  My prayers were hollow, my scripture study minimal.  I still knew that He answered prayers, but like I said, sometimes His answer was no, so why bother asking Him for help? I had no problem praying about many things, as long as it wasn’t related to my infertility. 

I think blogging about all of this these last few months has helped.  Time has really helped.  And continuing to pray and read as little and as minimal as it was helped.  I realized that when I was angry with Him or didn't reach out to Him, he couldn't help me.  I realized I wanted and needed His help. 

Slowly my faith in God related to my infertility has been returning.  In writing this, I get anxious that now it will be tested again.  I just want to catch my breath.  I honestly don’t know if I can ever do IVF again.  I don’t know if I am strong enough to “get back in the saddle”.  I don’t know if I can do anything related to growing my family.  Fear of the intense pain and sadness that can result from it paralyzes me from moving in any direction.  But then I find myself impatient for children.

I guess He thought I could handle this difficulty, and so if He thinks I can handle it, than I intend to.  I truly believe in God.  I know He keeps His promises, and that is what I hold onto when things get difficult.  So sooner or later, I will have to build up the courage to try something else and be able to rely on God’s timing—if only I could get a peek at His watch. 

All that truly matters in the end is that I maintain my faith in God and therefore experience joy, and hopefully have a beautiful family to enjoy it with. 

What IF I can achieve that?   For me, that would be the ultimate reward—to come out of this a better, happier person.  I’ve got the time, so I can see no reason for not achieving that goal.