Open Adoption

When people hear about our adoption a natural question that is asked of us is, "is it open?"  Usually, the person asking this doesn't even know what he or she is really asking.  An open adoption is such a broad term and is different for each birthparent and adoptive couple.

Before our adoption was finalized my husband and I attended an adoption conference.  At this conference they had a panel of birthmothers who shared their experiences and answered our questions.  I learned many things from them, but one thing that I learned was how different each of their "open" adoptions were.

And the interesting thing was that for each one of them, how they had their communication and level of openness set up, worked for them.  I was reminded not to promise to a level of openness I was not willing to commit to.  Equally important, these birthmothers shared how the thing they feared the most was that the level of openness decided upon would not be honored by the adoptive family.

Everyone has heard horror stories of this happening and understandably, nobody wants it to happen to them.  Our son's birthparents were concerned about this happening to them as well.  No one enforces your relationship with one another after placement, it is between you and your child's birthparents.  The tricky thing about adoption is that not until after papers are signed and our son was placed with us, we didn't have the opportunity to prove ourselves and that we were good for our word.  Our son's birthparents had to trust us at our word, which is a hard and scary thing to do.  We could often sense that they were nervous about this, so we tried to be proactive and remind them of our commitment to them and the level of openness we had decided upon.  So this was also nerve wracking for us.  Prior to the placement, we trusted them in their commitment to the adoption, and then after placement our son's birthparents would have to trust us in our commitments to them.

Is our adoption open?  Yes.  What does that mean?  Well, in our adoption we send emails and pictures.  We felt that the first few weeks, and then also on holidays and birthdays would be especially difficult for our son's birth mother.  So we sent texts and pictures on a daily basis the first little while.  We also told her that if she was having a hard day and just wanted to see a picture of the little guy, to call or text us and we would send one.  She always sends a text saying hello when he turns another month old and I send a picture of him to her.

Our son's birthparents asked if they could visit the little guy at Christmas time and give him a gift.  We told them, "Of course."  It was nice to see them and they seemed to enjoy seeing the little guy.  I am happy with how the communication we have with our son's birthparents. They are great people and we care about them.  They gave us one of the most wonderful gifts we had ever received, and I will never forget them for that.

I am happy with the relationship we have with our son's birthparents.  And I am grateful for the love and respect they show to us as well.

Adoption is about love

I will probably never by #2 on the stirrup queen's ICLW list again, and I have been trying to figure out what to say.  Do I say something witty or something profound?  Do I talk about infertility, adoption, or upcoming baby stuff?

I suppose I will write from my heart and write about adoption and more specifically about birth or expectant parents.

I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration of the birth parents of our "soon to be" child.  I think they are amazing and selfless people.

My husband and I are humbled to have been chosen by them to parent their child.

We look forward to telling our son about them and how much they love him.

They are doing something for us that we cannot do for ourselves.  They are bringing a beautiful child into our home.  Adoption truly is a miracle.  I know they will experience heart ache and pain in this process, I only hope my prayers and love for them can ease some of that for them.

I have been thinking a lot about what gift I can give them during placement, and while I have some ideas, everything just seems so small and insignificant in comparison to what they are doing for us.  So, while I will give them a small tangible gift they can hold, I think the best thing I can give them is continued contact (as we have already agreed to do) with us.  I can also give them the peace of mind through the months and years that will follow that their child is loved by us.  I will also always hold them in high esteem and tell our son how much they love him as well.

Adoption truly is about love.  I am so grateful to have my life touched by the miracle of adoption.  Many years ago when we started down this infertile path, my mind turned to think about the fact and hope that we would someday be able to experience this great miracle of adoption in our lives.  I am filled with love for my future son, love for his birth parents, and love for all those that have helped me and continue to help me in this journey.

Baby Steps

We met up again with the birth parents this weekend.  We went out to dinner and had a nice time chatting and getting to know one another a bit more.  They are really great people.  I felt good about how everything was going.  I felt at peace, excited, and joyful.

I felt those same feelings this morning on my run.

Then I started to get nervous.  Nervous that things wouldn't work out.  Nervous that our meeting hadn't gone as well as I thought.  I talked with my hubby a bit and that helped.  He reminded me, "It's out of our hands."  At this point there is nothing we can do.  If things don't work out, then they don't work out.  While I realize that, that is one of the reasons it is scary and I feel nervous.  I want to be in control.  I want to make sure everything works out.  Aaaaah.   Deep breath.

I tried to keep myself busy by cleaning and going to the grocery store.  My sister called and it was nice to be able to talk to her a bit.  Then my friend told me she was home and I could come pick up a crib and her rocking chair.  So I went and picked that up.  And now I am feeling a bit better.  I am about to head out to go to my sister in law's house to pick up some more baby stuff--car seat, pack n play, etc.

I have been so amazed at the outpouring of love and baby stuff from people when we tell them we are adopting.  I am so grateful to everyone for their help.  Our baby is going to be so loved and we will be able to tell him about everyone who was so excited about his arrival and how they helped us stuff his room full of the things we needed to take care of him.

I can do this.  It is just a few more weeks until I will be holding my little bundle of joy.

Dancing Dog

You gotta watch this dog dance the Merengue.  It is hilarious.  This dog should be on Dancing with the Stars.  I would watch the show if she was.  If you do watch this video, be ready, maybe your adoption phone will ring.  That's what happened to me.  I didn't hear it ring because my hubby and I were laughing so hard and the ring must've blended in with the merengue music.  But thankfully, a voice message and a phone number were left.  And at least I heard the phone beep signaling I had a message on it.  It was our birth mother!  It was good to talk to her again.  It was also nice to have a funny story to tell her about how I missed her call because I was watching this video.

You bet I was.

This is my answer to the question asked of me by Jonelle on my previous post: Was I nervous about meeting the birth parents?  Oh yes.  Most definitely.

But there was no getting around it.  I needed to meet the birth parents, they needed to meet me, and that was that.  I figured we had a few things going for us, they had chosen us, so that meant they already liked us.  I liked them already since they had chosen us, so we already had a few things in common :)

All kidding aside, I wasn't too terribly nervous.  Sure, a little, but I knew I could carry a conversation with them, and we would just go in and meet them and be ourselves.  On the drive over to meet them I was a little nervous because I was afraid we would get there too early.  The social worker had told us not to be early because she was going to be meeting with them prior to our arrival.  So that gave me something else to worry about.  But I had read on some silly yahoo article that week about different foods that relieve stress.  One of those foods was almonds.  And I love eating almonds and cranberries as a little snack.  Also, I always need to eat frequently or I get headaches, so I had packed this snack along with me that weekend.

So on the drive, I was getting a little headache and a little stressed so I popped open my tupperware of almonds and cranberries and it did the trick.  :)

Ok, that wasn't the only thing that helped.  I also thought of all of you, my bloggy and IRL friends.  I thought of Rebecca and Annie's comments saying, "how could the birthparents not love me?"  I thought of Augusta and how when she went to her stressful appt w/ her RE she thought of all of us cheering her on.  So I thought of all of you.  I knew you would be rooting for me and telling me everything would work out.  Thinking of all of you helped.  A lot.  So thank you for all that you do.

Then, last but not least, I was with my dear sweet, hilarious, hubby.  I have never met anyone who doesn't like him.  He is so kind and helps people feel good about who they are.  He is also so funny.  So with him there, I knew things would work out.  And they did.

Meeting the Birth Parents

Over the weekend my hubby and I were able to meet the birth parents (or expectant parents) who have chosen our profile and are placing their baby with us for adoption.

Our meeting with them went well.  They are really nice and good people.  They are also very sincere and I could tell how much they love their child.  We conveyed to them our respect and admiration for them in making this difficult decision.  And we also expressed the love and gratitude we have for them in choosing us to be their child's adoptive parents.  It is humbling to have been chosen by them.  As I read over and continue to stumble over my words as I type, I realize I can't seem to adequately describe my feelings for them.

In essence, they are doing something for us that we cannot do for ourselves.  They will be placing a beautiful child in our arms to care for and to be a part of our family, and I will be forever grateful to them for this.