It's that time of the month again.

Yes it's time for ICLW.

And yes, Aunt Flo is visiting as well.  I think the thing that bothers me most about her is how she gets me irritated and moody.  I have come to terms with the realization that her arrival means no baby, but I wish I could just not get bugged with my closest friends and family when she comes by.  I am working on that.  I think I did a better job this month.  I'll have to ask my hubby.

I haven't done a welcome ICLW letter for awhile, so I thought I would do one this time.  You can see the info on the side bar of my blog.  But here it is quick and dirty.  I spent a lot of time, money, and energy doing infertility treatments and dealing with insurance companies.  None of which turned out well.  I spent some more time, money, and energy devoted towards adoption, and have reaped the benefits of it.  I have a beautiful baby boy who is a joy to be with.  He has such a pleasant, happy personality and is always smiling and laughing except for when he's not.  :D  Which isn't too often.  :D

As you can see from my header, my blog is about finding joy now, today, not later, and not tomorrow.  In the throes of life and the ups and downs it brings, I have found that if I can keep my perspective and focus on being happy, then I can get through anything--even infertility treatments and the stress of adoption.

I still write about infertility and adoption.  But now I also write about being a mom.  I also write about ordinary things like exercise, crafts, and whatever else I feel like at the moment.  I enjoy photography, reading, being outside, and learning most anything.  I am working on my cooking skills and am hoping to find pockets of time in between naps to learn how to garden, work on some crafts, and edit and digitally scrapbook my photos.  I hope you will stick around and join me in finding joy in life.

Taking time for me

That is hard for me to do lately. I am constantly watching over and caring for my little guy and either run out of time or don't make the time.

Well tonight I was making dinner and was just exhausted. I barely had the energy to eat it. Thankfully, my hubby sent me to take a bubble bath and said he would watch the little guy the rest of the night. Hip hip hooray for my hubby.

The bubble bath was so relXing and was just what I needed. I think it I need to start making time for me. I will be a much better and happier person, wife, and mother if I do that

I guess the time has come to get my butt in gear and start waking up early enough to exercise. Aaargh. It will be worth it though. I also have to take the time to eat. My baby gets to eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, so I guess I should take a turn too.

What do you want?

Hmm, little guy?  Is it too early to teach you some baby sign language?  The books say not to start until you are 6 months, but how about we start now?

Actually, he has some signs of his own, the problem is when we have used them all up and he just stares at me just like he is doing now.

Some of his signs are:

He head butts me or tries to be a boxer when he's hungry--it's pretty funny.   He will also suck on his pacifier when he is hungry, otherwise he wants nothing to do with it.  So sometimes I will test him with it.  He grunts and kicks his legs when he is working on filling his diaper or trying to get rid of some gas.  And he gives me cute sleepy grins (I love those) and yawns when he is tired.

Sometimes he does all of that at the same time.  I tell him that not many guys are great multi taskers, so there is no need to try to do it all at once.  He will also suck on his pacifier when he is hungry, otherwise he wants nothing to do with it.  So sometimes I will check to see if he is hungry by having him suck on his pacifier.  The only problem is that sometimes when I try he is too busy trying to poop and will act like he isn't hungry only to fuss about it a few minutes later.  Boys, I tell you, they are hard to figure out.

I think right now my little guy is working on a poop.  How do I know?  Easy, I heard him fart.
And I knew he was sleepy, now he is finally falling asleep, but I will end up waking him up when I change him.  Which will probably make him remember that he is hungry also.  This post is starting to sound like the children's book, "When you give a mouse a cookie."  Only my book will be called, "When you change your child's diaper."

My child has an insatiable appetite and is currently in one of his baby growth spurts which makes him want to eat even more.  So, I guess I need to stop typing and continue this vicious cycle we have found ourselves in all day.  I was hoping to go to bed at 7 pm right after I fed him.  Well, here we are a few diaper changes and snacks later still awake at 9:30 pm.  I guess I will "sleep when the baby sleeps"  (the sage advice everyone loves to give a new mom) since I can't when he's awake :D  Slight problem with that is--he won't sleep.

Oh, and lest I forget to mention.  When this child finally falls asleep, he will wake up as soon as I put him down.  So, maybe I will ask him to try to put me to bed instead.  And then he can stay up and get his nighttime bottles ready and do some of his baby laundry.  I think it would be a win win for everyone involved.

Toodleloo

Good night to someone.  I am afraid it won't be me or my baby anytime soon.  :D

** 10 pm update:  baby is asleep, in bed, and I am headed that way in just a few minutes after I get the bottles made.  **  I don't think my baby knew what he wanted.  That's where I come in.  I get to help him out or patiently wait until he figures it out for himself.   He had a few more sips of milk, small dirty diaper, big burp, some soft lullaby music with a little more cuddle time with his mom, and that did it for him.  That was all he needed.  I'm glad I could be there for him.

Sleep

I think I could write a novel about sleep, the lack of it, how much you crave it, and what lengths you will go to get it.

I think I may have found a solution!  I don't want to jinx myself, but I do think I am closer to getting a little more sleep in the near future.  At least I certainly hope so.

Uh oh, I just heard the little guy stir.  Go back to sleep!  Please!

In limbo between 2 worlds

Lately, I have been in a bit of a quandary as to trying to decide where I belong in this blogging world.  I made it to the other side!  I came out of this ordeal with a baby in my arms and now I want to continue blogging about the joy he has brought me.  But I worry that in doing so I will hurt and cause pain to those of you who are my dear friends in cyberspace.  It could be that many of you who used to read my blog no longer do, and that’s okay.  I understand how hard it can be to feel happy that someone else has a child, but to feel so sad that you still don’t. 

I feel that in many ways infertility helped me to learn to find joy in the day to day of life.  I am a much more confidant person and happy person now than I was when I was in the throes of focusing on what I didn’t have and how infertility was cheating me out of a happy life. 

You may read this and say, oh that’s easy to say now that she has a baby, but honestly, the day before I got the call that we had been chosen by our child’s birth parents I was doing a triathlon training bike/run and as I ran I thought, “I am happy.  I have found joy.”  And I am so glad I had that feeling and experience before I received the news about our adoption.  This was what I was ultimately working towards.  This was something I could control.  I couldn’t control when a baby would come, I couldn’t force myself to become pregnant, and I certainly couldn’t force a birth mother of father to choose me to parent his or her child.  I could only control my outlook on life and my attitude. 

So in many ways I feel like I no longer belong here.  But at the same time I feel as though I do.  I have learned so much and just because I will talk about parenting it is through the prism of infertility and adoption.  And also through the prism of finding the joy in the highs and lows of this new adventure. 

I want to tell you of the thrill and confusion it was to fill out my child’s medical record as I tried to figure out where I was supposed to sign and put my info.  I was now the mom and the parent, not the patient.  At the doctor’s office when they are ready to see him, they call us by his name, not mine.  It is such a confusing and joyful moment in my life. 

So as you see, I am not sure if I fit into this new mommy world either.  I have a completely different outlook and perspective than the vast majority of these other amazing moms.  I love my pile of baby laundry.  Although it is growing steeper and steeper by the day and I don’t know if I will ever get around to folding it.  I just dig in the pile to find something cute and we get up and go.  I love my messy house.  I will take the sleep deprivation that comes with this new job any day.  Sure, I will admit, at 1:30 am I had a sleep deprivation moment and wasn’t the happier camper in the world, but then I remembered how lucky I was and that immediately cured my frustration at my screaming child.  So because I am so happy to experience these seemingly terrible portions of motherhood I kind of feel like a foreigner in this new world.  But that’s okay.  And so, I think if I can continue to blog about the happiness of parenthood, maybe it could also help those who are beaten down and tired of the day to day grind of it all.  And I don't want to become beaten down by the day to day difficulties that do come with parenthood.  I am enjoying this new pair of rose colored glasses I have and don't want to take them off.

I don’t know.  Ultimately, I just want those of you that I care about in this blogging world to not be hurt as I talk about my newfound joy of motherhood.

And I am sorry to admit it, but I am probably now a very annoying person for an infertile person to see on FB.  I post a lot of pics of my little guy for my friends and family to see.  I tried not to do too many, but they all love him and want to see him, so how can I not?  

Success!

I am home.

The internet and computer access was a little spotty where I was and I didn't want my family to know about my blog, so I couldn't write.  Besides the fact that I was busy watching a toddler and a newborn, and cooking and cleaning a bit to help my sister, so that didn't give me too much free time.  But I am home now, and I appreciated all of your comments and words of encouragement.

I realized I can do this.  Someday I will be a great mother.  I was able to juggle nap times, feedings, diaper changes (without gloves--yikes), mild meltdowns, play time, cooking and cleaning.  Granted I wasn't as sleep deprived or hormonal as I might be if I had been the one who gave birth, and I wasn't doing it alone, but I realized that I when that day comes, I just might be a pretty good mom.

And that was something to smile and cheer about.

This Lovely Life

This weekend I read the book:  This lovely life: a memoir of premature motherhood.   It opened my eyes to the suffering and grief that can surround families with premature and severely disabled children.  The book also showed how the mother came to love and care for her premature twins conceived after years of fertility treatments while finding forgiveness and embracing her "lovely life".  Born at 24 wks gestation, one twin died just a few days after birth, while the other lived almost 8 yrs with severe disabilities.  This book taught me more about how devastating and life changing the loss of a child, and caring for a child with disabilities can be.  It also taught me how we can rise above these challenges and accept them.

In the book she included this poem written by her friend's grandmother.  The author's friend also had a disabled daughter and they had met during their time in the NICU together.

Ah, lovely life

Come stay yet a while with me

I am a beggar for your errant charms,

although I know your sorrows many be

I try to hold you prisoner in my arms

I'll ever dread to see you go away

Yet you are fickle as the 

restless sea

Your trials are heavy 

let come what may

The thrill of you is ever there

for me. 

Through this book I was reminded that while I don't have a perfect life, I have a lovely one.  This weekend was hard for me emotionally.  I have no idea why, maybe I was hormonal, maybe I was wasn't.  I was just tired of still not having kids.  But kids or no kids, I do have a lovely life and I will make more of an effort to remember that and enjoy the loveliness that it contains.    

Parking reserved for expectant mothers or mothers to be

Today I parked in that spot.

After all, I am a mother to be  :)  When that will be, I have no idea, but it will be.  I had to go to my hospital to pick something up real quick so I went to park in the front as opposed to employee parking.  I pulled up close to the front where I had spotted an awesome spot only to be confronted with the sign: parking reserved for expectant mothers or mothers to be.  I thought, well, this is definitely the spot for me, and pulled right in.  It was great.  

So if you see a sweet spot like that go ahead and park--the sign applies to you my fellow mothers to be.

Motherhood panel

Last night I attended an activity for the women in my church.  It was a panel on motherhood.  So there were some ladies w/ young children, older children, empty nesters, and some young single women.  I appreciated the variety of people that were on the panel and the recognition that they could all provide different perspectives.  I had know about it for awhile and was planning on going.  I figured, I will be a mother soon, and if I can get some insight now, more power to me.

Well, last week at church they passed around little slips of paper that we could ask an anonymous question on it and the panel would address it.  I was sitting with a few friends who are aware that I have dealt with infertility.  One friend has a twins and 2 other kids giving her 4 kids under the age of 6.  And that sunday her kids were having meltdowns during the service and she had to take them out multiple times.  So we laughed when the question she wrote down was: Do you have any tips on how to keep your kids quiet at church?  There was no need for her to sign her name, everyone would know it was her.

So I decided to write my question down, it was a basic one, but one that I don't have the answer to.  My question was:  How do you become a mother?  My friends and I laughed, one friend offered to draw me a diagram.  I told her that wasn't necessary, and we laughed some more.  (needless to say, I didn't turn my question in)

So on Sunday I thought I was doing pretty well considering Mother's Day was just around the corner.  But Tuesday I had a bit of a meltdown.  I was just tired of waiting.  Tired of being patient.  I has spent too long in the Mother's Day card section trying to buy a card for a mother, and then I had read a few too many of the What IF infertility blogs, and that got me spending too long in the land of What IF and When Will.  But my hubby played me a silly song on his guitar, banned me from the computer for the rest of the night, and then we danced around to music while we cleaned the house.

When it was time to go the the activity last night hubs asked me if I was sure I wanted to go and I said yes, then I thought do I?  aaah, what am I thinking??  I had been messing around in the house, and had lost track of time, so the activity had already started.  I was late, I should probably just not go.  But, then I said to myself, "you can do this, just go".   My friend w/ twins had told me she was going to be there and was on the panel, so I knew I would have someone who would be sensitive and aware of my situation.  So I went.

I'm glad I did.  I contributed thoughts and ideas, and had learned some things that I hope to put into practice some day.  I felt a twinge of pain and sadness at the end when everyone was wished a happy mother's day, but then it passed and I moved on.

Last year, I never would've thought I would be attending a mother's day discussion when I wasn't a mother.  I am proud of how far I've come.  I think last year was probably my hardest mother's day, so if you're having a hard time right now, I understand, and I am thinking of you.  I am still hoping I can hang in there through Sunday when I see all the mothers at church.  I didn't go to church last year, but I am going to try to do it this year.  Deep breath.  I can do it.

Hang in there my fellow future mothers the week is almost over.