Articles on Infertility

So it recently came to my attention that an article I wrote for my church's magazine a long time ago was published online.  I really don't tell you this to get attention for myself.  There are other articles written by others who have struggled with infertility.  And maybe something they, or even little old me, have written might be of some help.  I wrote this article prior to our adoption,  (it was a long process to have it approved and then published--the published date was this last spring)

Here are the links to the site
Faith and Infertility  and then if you click on the link at the top under additional experiences it takes you to the link below
Faith and Infertility an Online Ensign Exclusive
And this is the link to my article:  Mending My Broken Heart

There you go, some heavy reading material.  Not for the faint of heart  :)

We Are Blessed Beyond Measure

This is what it says on a Thanksgiving plate I bought after my first IVF cycle resulted in a negative result.  I was pretty sad and didn't feel all that blessed.   When I came across this plate I remember picking it up, setting it down, thinking about whether or not I was "blessed beyond measure".  I ultimately decided to buy it because I determined that yes, I was blessed beyond measure.  I had many other wonderful blessings in my life and that was what I focused on.  And as I did so, I felt at peace and the pain of the negative IVF cycle lessened.

Clearly, this Thanksgiving, I feel "blessed beyond measure".  To have my amazing son in my home is one of the greatest blessings I have ever received.  He brings so much joy and happiness into my life.

As I have thought of those of you who might be struggling during this holiday season and who are not feeling very blessed my mind reflected on a church talk I have read recently.  The talk is titled The Divine Gift of Gratitude and was given by my church leader, President Monson.  The following is the part I wanted to share with all of you.  I especially like the story he shared about Gordon Green's family and the experience they had one Thanksgiving when they didn't feel they had much to be grateful for.   

"A grateful heart, then, comes through expressing gratitude to our Heavenly Father for His blessings and to those around us for all that they bring into our lives. This requires conscious effort—at least until we have truly learned and cultivated an attitude of gratitude. Often we feel grateful and intend to express our thanks but forget to do so or just don’t get around to it. Someone has said that “feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”¹²

When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given.

I share with you an account of one family which was able to find blessings in the midst of serious challenges. This is an account I read many years ago and have kept because of the message it conveys. It was written by Gordon Green and appeared in an American magazine over 50 years ago.

Gordon tells how he grew up on a farm in Canada, where he and his siblings had to hurry home from school while the other children played ball and went swimming. Their father, however, had the capacity to help them understand that their work amounted to something. This was especially true after harvesttime when the family celebrated Thanksgiving, for on that day their father gave them a great gift. He took an inventory of everything they had.

On Thanksgiving morning he would take them to the cellar with its barrels of apples, bins of beets, carrots packed in sand, and mountains of sacked potatoes as well as peas, corn, string beans, jellies, strawberries, and other preserves which filled their shelves. He had the children count everything carefully. Then they went out to the barn and figured how many tons of hay there were and how many bushels of grain in the granary. They counted the cows, pigs, chickens, turkeys, and geese. Their father said he wanted to see how they stood, but they knew he really wanted them to realize on that feast day how richly God had blessed them and had smiled upon all their hours of work. Finally, when they sat down to the feast their mother had prepared, the blessings were something they felt.

Gordon indicated, however, that the Thanksgiving he remembered most thankfully was the year they seemed to have nothing for which to be grateful.

The year started off well: they had leftover hay, lots of seed, four litters of pigs, and their father had a little money set aside so that someday he could afford to buy a hay loader—a wonderful machine most farmers just dreamed of owning. It was also the year that electricity came to their town—although not to them because they couldn’t afford it.

One night when Gordon’s mother was doing her big wash, his father stepped in and took his turn over the washboard and asked his wife to rest and do her knitting. He said, “You spend more time doing the wash than sleeping. Do you think we should break down and get electricity?” Although elated at the prospect, she shed a tear or two as she thought of the hay loader that wouldn’t be bought.

So the electrical line went up their lane that year. Although it was nothing fancy, they acquired a washing machine that worked all day by itself and brilliant lightbulbs that dangled from each ceiling. There were no more lamps to fill with oil, no more wicks to cut, no more sooty chimneys to wash. The lamps went quietly off to the attic.

The coming of electricity to their farm was almost the last good thing that happened to them that year. Just as their crops were starting to come through the ground, the rains started. When the water finally receded, there wasn’t a plant left anywhere. They planted again, but more rains beat the crops into the earth. Their potatoes rotted in the mud. They sold a couple of cows and all the pigs and other livestock they had intended to keep, getting very low prices for them because everybody else had to do the same thing. All they harvested that year was a patch of turnips which had somehow weathered the storms.

Then it was Thanksgiving again. Their mother said, “Maybe we’d better forget it this year. We haven’t even got a goose left.”

On Thanksgiving morning, however, Gordon’s father showed up with a jackrabbit and asked his wife to cook it. Grudgingly she started the job, indicating it would take a long time to cook that tough old thing. When it was finally on the table with some of the turnips that had survived, the children refused to eat. Gordon’s mother cried, and then his father did a strange thing. He went up to the attic, got an oil lamp, took it back to the table, and lighted it. He told the children to turn out the electric lights. When there was only the lamp again, they could hardly believe that it had been that dark before. They wondered how they had ever seen anything without the bright lights made possible by electricity.

The food was blessed, and everyone ate. When dinner was over, they all sat quietly. Wrote Gordon:

“In the humble dimness of the old lamp we were beginning to see clearly again. . . . 

“It [was] a lovely meal. The jack rabbit tasted like turkey and the turnips were the mildest we could recall. . . . 

“ . . . [Our] home . . . , for all its want, was so rich [to] us.”¹³

My brothers and sisters, to express gratitude is gracious and honorable, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven."

It is hard to recognize our blessings when times are tough and life is challenging.  That is why I liked the story about Gordon and his family.  They had quite a challenging year, and didn't feel very grateful, but in the end they realized they had been blessed, and what a difference it made not only in their day, but their life.  I am grateful to have joined this blogging community and am grateful we are able to help one another through the highs and lows we face as we try to grow our families one baby at a time.   

Happy Thanksgiving 

Continue in Patience

On Sunday I read a great talk titled: Continue in Patience by President Uchtdorf, (a leader from my church), and I wanted to share a few quotes from it.

“patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!”

“The children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before they could enter the promised land. Jacob waited 7 long years for Rachel…In each case, Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.”

“Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer… the promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain.”

“Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness.”

“the work of patience boils down to this: keep the commandments; trust in God, our Heavenly Father; serve Him with meekness and Christlike love; exercise faith and hope in the Savior; and never give up. The lessons we learn from patience will cultivate our character, lift our lives, and heighten our happiness.”

This talk helped me refocus myself and try to continue in patience.  I thought about some of the lessons I have learned as I have tried to patiently wait for children.  Here is a short list of some of those things.  

• I can do hard things.
• I have become more empathetic to people and their suffering.
•  I have become more tolerant and kind as I have been reminded that everyone is fighting a hard batte, and we don’t know everything they are going though.
• Don’t give up.
•  When I serve and think about others, I don’t focus on my difficulties.
• Children are amazing and when they come into my family I will cherish them.
• Trust in God, don’t give up on Him.

Searching for Meaning in Life

Over the last 2-3 wks I have been reading Viktor Frankl’s book: Man’s Search for Meaning.  The following is a good summary written by the Vienna, Austria (AP) on September 3, 1997.  The quoted information was found on this website:  http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/frankl/frankl.html

“Frankl survived the Holocaust, even though he was in four Nazi death camps including Auschwitz from 1942-45, but his parents and other members of his family died in the concentration camps.

During and partly because of his suffering in concentration camps, Frankl developed a revolutionary approach to psychotherapy known as logotherapy.

At the core of his theory is the belief that humanity's primary motivational force is the search for meaning, and the work of the logotherapist centers on helping the patient find personal meaning in life, however dismal the circumstances may be.

Frankl's teachings have been described as the Third Vienna School of Psychotherapy, after that of Sigmund Freud and Alfred Adler.

In "Man's Search for Meaning," which has sold approximately nine million copies worldwide and been translated into twenty-three languages. The Library of Congress called the book one of the ten most influential books of the twentieth century. Frankl said: "There is nothing in the world, I venture to say, that would so effectively help one to survive even the worst conditions as the knowledge that there is a meaning in one's life."

According to logotherapy, meaning can be discovered meaning can be discovered by three ways: "(1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering," he wrote.

"We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation," he insisted, a theory he gradually developed as a concentration camp survivor.

"As such, I also bear witness to the unexpected extent to which man is capable of defying and braving even the worst conditions conceivable,"   

The book was very inspiring.  Frankl divides the book into two parts—in the first he writes about “experiences in a concentration camp” and in the second, he writes about “logotherapy in a nutshell”.  And as I read I read the book I was able to make a few connections to the struggle of infertility.  As I share this I am in no way minimizing the suffering the Jews experienced.  I cannot comprehend the suffering the endured at the hands of evil and sadistic people.  And I am in complete awe of how the Jews overcame this terrible cruelty.

That said, as I read I had been feeling down again about infertility and wondering how long I would have to wait for an adoption to occur, and was feeling a bit overwhelmed with this trial.  And while I completely realize that my life is not terrible or hopeless, as I read, I thought that maybe infertility was my “concentration camp” and I wondered if I would survive the emotions and pain of it to arrive at day of liberation when my child would be placed in my arms.  I then had this stream of thoughts and questions: How would I spend my days as I waited for liberation?  And what if I was never liberated?  What then?  Could I rise to the occasion that this suffering had dealt me?  Could I find meaning in other ways?  Could I find meaning in accomplishing other things?  Could I find meaning through experiencing the goodness or life, nature, or people?  And as Frankl said, Could I experience “another human being in his very uniqueness by loving him”?  (man’s search for meaning p. 115)  Could I find meaning in my suffering and change my attitude towards this unavoidable suffering?  Suffering through infertility has taught me so many things, the last thing I want it to teach me is to give up. 

This book helped remind me in whatever way and at whatever time liberation from my suffering comes, I must find meaning during this time of waiting, or else I might not make it to my day of liberation. 

In conclusion, a few thoughts come to mind.  I used to love the phrase: “knowledge is power” until I was heard someone say that unless you act on that knowledge, it is meaningless.  So now that I once again reminded of what I need to do to find meaning in life and manage the pains of infertility, I hope I can act on this knowledge.  

Jumbled Up Thoughts

This week I was reflecting a lot on my relationship with God and my thoughts on prayer.  I had a lot of different thoughts, and I will see if I can effectively summarize them.

Typically it is just when I start to think things are going pretty well, and I am emotionally and spiritually back to where I was before all of this craziness with infertility started is when I fall back on my face and realize that there is no going back to what I was like before infertility.  There is only going forward.  And I can choose to go forward in faith or I can choose to simply go forward without it. 

On Friday I happened to catch a few minutes of Dennis Prager on talk radio.   He was talking to a lady that whose sister had died a premature death.  Her belief in prayer was now being threatened.  Dennis Prager brought up some good points.  He asked her “When you have heard of the millions upon millions who died prematurely [before]…how did you reconcile that with your faith?”  She responded that she “accepted it as a part of life, and honestly doesn’t know”.  Prager then stated that a “very big mistake within major religions… is to assume that our requests will be answered.  In the vast majority of instances, God says no.”  To which I would reply—"No" is an answer, just not the one we were hoping for.  Which doesn’t necessarily help me feel any better, and occasionally makes me feel bitter.   

He then went on to give another example of how a lady called him up one day and informed him that she now believed in capital punishment for murder.  This was not due to anything he had said to convince her, but due to the fact that her brother had been murdered. 

When I heard this, I knew I was in the same situation—my relationship with God and feeling about prayer was being threatened due to my negative feelings with infertility.  When others dealt with infertility or loss, I was so naïve about what they were going through and accepted it as part of the trials in life.  But now that I was STILL going through it, it wasn’t so easy to brush away.  Would I lose my faith over it?  That was the question.

At times I have accepted God’s will, at times I have been angry, and at this point in time I was tired and confused.  Would I now after everything turn my back on God because in my weakness to accept His will it seemed like He had turned on me?  I would be the one to lose in a battle against God.  That much I knew.  I fully believe in the doctrine of my religion and I had made a commitment to myself and to God that I would act accordingly to these doctrines.  So who would be the liar and go back on their promises now?  It would be me.  And if I faltered, then God would be off the hook.  It’s crazy the way my mind thinks.  God can do whatever He wants, who was I to force His hand?  I knew that wouldn’t work. 

And on top of all this, I was having a problem with prayer, again.

Going back to Dennis Prager, in his radio broadcast he continued by saying that when we pray “we shouldn’t say please give me X, Y, and Z,” instead we should say, “because I believe in you and love you, I would like you to know what I would like.”   

All that my mind registered from hearing that was “since God typically says no, why am I bothering to ask Him for help?”  Also the phrase:  “unmet expectations create frustrations” came to my mind.  I thought, "that was my problem—I was expecting God to help me, and when He wasn’t, I was feeling frustrated."  So my solution was to not ask for His help.  I began to pray again, and didn’t ask for anything, but I was still feeling frustrated and upset.  I think it was because I didn't believe He would help me if I asked.  

On Sunday I was poking around on my church’s website and ended up reading a talk by Rex Pinnegar about prayer.  (“Peace through Prayer,” Ensign, May 1993,  65 )  Peace through Prayer

This was the part I especially liked:

“There is terrible suffering in our world today. Tragic things happen to good people. God does not cause them, nor does He always prevent them. He does, however, strengthen us and bless us with His peace, through earnest prayer.

“It is not the usual purpose of prayer to serve us like Aladdin’s lamp, to bring us ease without effort,” Elder Richard L. Evans wrote. “Prayer is not a matter of asking only. It should not be always as the beggar’s upturned hand. Often the purpose of prayer is to give us strength to do what needs to be done, wisdom to see the way to solve our own problems, and ability to do our best in our tasks.

“We need to pray … for strength to endure, for faith and fortitude to face what sometimes must be faced.” (The Man and the Message, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1973, p. 289.)

It was the Lord himself who taught us by His own example how to find peace when the answers we receive are not what we asked for. On the eve of His crucifixion, with “soul … exceeding sorrowful, even unto death,” Jesus knelt in the Garden of Gethsemane and prayed to the Father, saying, “O my Father, if it be possible [and he acknowledged ‘all things are possible unto thee’], let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” (Matt. 26:38–39; see also Mark 14:36.)

We can only try to imagine the anguish the Savior felt when we read in the Gospels that He was “sore amazed and very heavy” (Mark 14:33), that He “fell on his face” and prayed not once, but a second time, and then a third (Matt. 26:39, 42, 44). “Father, if thou be willing remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.” (Luke 22:42.)

We cannot imagine the anguish of a loving Father, who, knowing what had to be done, accepted His Beloved Son’s willingness to suffer for all mankind. In this agony Christ was not left alone. As if the Father were saying, “I cannot take it from you, but I can and will send you strength and peace,” “there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.” (Luke 22:43.)

If we, like the Savior, have the faith to put our trust in our Father in Heaven, to submit to His will, the true spirit of peace will come as a witness and strength that He has heard and answered our prayers.

If we resist the inspiration of God and turn from His promptings, we are left to our own confusion and lack of peace.

Sometimes, when our prayers are not answered as we desire, we may feel the Lord has rejected us or that our prayer was in vain. We may begin to doubt our worthiness before God, or even the reality and power of prayer. That is when we must continue to pray with patience and faith and to listen for that peace.”

Reading this helped a little bit.  Now I just need to put it into practice.  I like that last paragraph, I think it summarizes how I was feeling.  

I hope that those of you who are going through hard times will be able to find some peace through your trials.  

Feeling Better

It is amazing what:

• a good cry
• a good hug
• an husband's listening ear
• a bit of sleep
• and a kind blogger comment

can do for you. I made it to bed last night. My sweet husband tucked me in, sang me little orphan Annie's song: "The sun'll come out tomorrow", and thankfully, I feel asleep.

When I woke up this morning, I felt better. And I remembered a phrase from a talk I liked so I went to the computer to read it this morning before heading off to work. This talk was given in 1996, but I have always remembered this analogy for dealing with adversity. But I was sure surprised to see that the title of this talk was: Finding Joy in Life: Here's the Link: LDS.org - Ensign Article - Finding Joy in Life

I liked this part: "sadness, disappointment, and severe challenge are events in life, not life itself. I do not minimize how hard some of these events are. They can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining center of everything you do. The Lord inspired Lehi to declare the fundamental truth, “Men are, that they might have joy.” 1 That is a conditional statement: “they might have joy.” It is not conditional for the Lord. His intent is that each of us finds joy. It will not be conditional for you as you obey the commandments, have faith in the Master, and do the things that are necessary to have joy here on earth."

And then this was the part I remembered this morning when I woke up: A pebble held close to the eye appears to be a gigantic obstacle. Cast on the ground, it is seen in perspective. Likewise, problems or trials in our lives need to be viewed in the perspective of scriptural doctrine. Otherwise they can easily overtake our vision, absorb our energy, and deprive us of the joy and beauty the Lord intends us to receive here on earth. Some people are like rocks thrown into a sea of problems. They are drowned by them. Be a cork. When submerged in a problem, fight to be free to bob up to serve again with happiness.

I had remembered the part about the "pebble", but I had forgotten the "cork" portion. When I woke up and had a new perspective I realized that I will be fine going to my sisters. I just needed to stop focusing on the difficult facet of the trip and remember all the great things that would happen--I"ll see my brother, some nephews and nieces, and see my in-laws, it will be great. How could I have forgotten all that? It was because I let this stinky infertile fact block my vision and perspective.

The rest of the talk is great, but I gotta go. I hope I can remember to keep the "pebble of infertility" on the ground in perspective, and be a "cork" the keeps coming up and finding happiness.

This Lovely Life

This weekend I read the book:  This lovely life: a memoir of premature motherhood.   It opened my eyes to the suffering and grief that can surround families with premature and severely disabled children.  The book also showed how the mother came to love and care for her premature twins conceived after years of fertility treatments while finding forgiveness and embracing her "lovely life".  Born at 24 wks gestation, one twin died just a few days after birth, while the other lived almost 8 yrs with severe disabilities.  This book taught me more about how devastating and life changing the loss of a child, and caring for a child with disabilities can be.  It also taught me how we can rise above these challenges and accept them.

In the book she included this poem written by her friend's grandmother.  The author's friend also had a disabled daughter and they had met during their time in the NICU together.

Ah, lovely life

Come stay yet a while with me

I am a beggar for your errant charms,

although I know your sorrows many be

I try to hold you prisoner in my arms

I'll ever dread to see you go away

Yet you are fickle as the 

restless sea

Your trials are heavy 

let come what may

The thrill of you is ever there

for me. 

Through this book I was reminded that while I don't have a perfect life, I have a lovely one.  This weekend was hard for me emotionally.  I have no idea why, maybe I was hormonal, maybe I was wasn't.  I was just tired of still not having kids.  But kids or no kids, I do have a lovely life and I will make more of an effort to remember that and enjoy the loveliness that it contains.    

My journey

(sorry for the huge space above--i can't get it to go away)

I have been reflecting of late on what it was that helped me "turn the page" so to speak and become able to find joy and happiness in the deep abyss of infertility.  I think it was a combination of a lot of things, but a few things in particular stand out.

1. My husband.  He is truly one of a kind.  He is kind, patient, and so funny.  He is a true optimist.  Not much fazes him.  And while this could be aggravating at times when I just wanted to be so sad and keep crying my big hormonal crocodile tears, I always knew he would hold me for as long as it took and he would find some way to help me smile.  At times I relied on him so much.  I’m sure he can attest to that.  He took the brunt of my hormones and lived to tell the tale.  But he was with me every step of the way.  We had some really fun times in doctor’s waiting rooms.   Sure, there were some sucky times too, which is why I am steering clear of stirrups for the moment and not sure if I ever want my foot to touch one again.  I can just imagine if I ever go to a normal doctor and she asks, “When was your last pap smear?” I’ll reply, oh about 20 yrs ago.  She’ll ask why, and I’ll simply say, “I have a stirrupaphobia.”  (fear of stirrups—not yet listed as an actual phobia for some strange reason.  What is wrong with us, my infertile friends?  Am I the only one with stirrupaphobia?)  And then she will calmly write in her chart that I refused the pap smear and after I leave, her staff will talk and laugh their heads off about how crazy their last patient was.   So, my husband’s humor and love helped me continue to try to find the joy.  I realized that I’d rather laugh than cry about all of this craziness.  And as a result, I do look back on my experience thus far with some happiness.  

2. Humor.  I love The Far Side cartoons.  And in the beginning stages of my infertility journey I came across 2 of my now favorite cartoons.  They still hang on the wall of my craft room to bring a smile to my face when needed.  Due to Far Side's copyright laws, I can't post the cartoons.  But I will try to describe them.  The first one shows some devil in hell working people to the bone.  You can see the fire and brimstone and everyone is sweaty and glum faced.  Then here comes a guy whistling away as he is carting rocks in his wheelbarrow.  One of the devil says to the other devil:  "You know, we're just not reaching that guy."  I decided I could be that guy.  I wouldn't let the adversary and everything going on get me down.  I would just whistle away down here in infertility hell.  

The second one is awesome too.  Two chickens are chatting in their house and one of the chickens is at the fridge.  The door is open and filled with at least 4 dozen of her friend's eggs.  So the chicken tells her friend: "Well, here's your problem Marge--if you and Bob really want kids, next time try sittin' on these little guys."  I thought it was hilarious.  And the other great coincidence was that this cartoon was on my far side calendar and the day it fell on was on Rob and mine's wedding anniversary.  :)  Humor has became my secret weapon at combating the sadness of infertility. 

3.  And then I would have to say that my religion and belief system helped me.  I can still recall 3 key talks/quotes that helped me remember to view things in a different perspective. 


I have always liked this quote that President Hinckley ( a leader in my church) shared in a talk: 

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around and shouting that he has been robbed. The fact of the matter is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey...delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."  

“Come what may and love it” by Elder Wirthlin is another one of my favorite talks.  Every 6 months the leadership of my church speak to the church via satellite.  The talks are then put online to read or listen to again.  So I enjoy listening to these talks on my way to work and stuff.  Rob and I listened to this talk on the way to one of our infertility appointments and we were laughing so hard.  In this talk he teaches that “The way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life"  Here is the link if you want to read it. http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/lds_servlet/EmailArticleProcess?action=view&cmlId=613558&locale=0&emId=511691941

The other talk that really touched me during my first IVF cycle was: Happiness—Your Heritage.  In this talk Elder Uchtdorf inspired me to keep trying and realize that while I couldn’t create a child, I could create happiness in my life.  And because we are children of God, we inherited certain characteristics from Him that will help us be happy.   http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/lds_servlet/EmailArticleProcess?action=view&cmlId=613564&locale=0&emId=271753958

4.  And then the last time we did IVF in Oct, 2009 it was really hard.  It took all of my courage just to try again.  We were thrilled when we were told that we had a positive pregnancy test, but the joy quickly turned to pain when my HSG levels didn’t rise well, and then dropped.  Oh how I cried.  I was devastated.  I also felt pain, depression, demoralization, anguish, sadness, and anger.  I had assumed I could handle a negative IVF cycle, after all, I had done it before.  But I hadn't counted on this scenario -- feeling the elation of success, only to come crashing down to earth.  As I tried to pick up the pieces of my shattered dream a lightbulb went on inside my head.  With determination I told myself: Forget it! I am just going to enjoy life from now on.  I have been waiting and constantly putting my life on hold and thinking in terms of “nine months from now”.   I cannot rely on having a baby to bring me happiness.   And that helped me get through the holidays and completely weaned off my hormones so I could think straight and come up with my plan to find joy now.  

 I realized I couldn’t  wait any longer.  When I start to feel down I try to remember inspiring words, find something to laugh at, or try to create something.   And then I feel as though I truly can succeed on my quest to find joy now.   

Create

I can find joy in making things. I am definitely not the craftiest person, but when I do make something, whether it be a tasty treat, a sock monkey, or take a good photograph. There is something about the act of creating something that wasn't there before that just makes me feel happy.

This video clip depicts my feelings on this subject.

Create

I think that is why in someways infertility can be so difficult. Because I have the desire to love and nurture children and create a happy and wonderful home. And for whatever reason, my dreams of having children has not come to fruition. It can be frustrating and debilitating and all consuming and quite unhealthy at times.

So through this journey of infertility I realized that really all I wanted was to be happy in the place where I was at. I quickly realized that I was not in control of the situation, and I slowly realized that I could become happy despite the setbacks to my charted course in life. And when I took time to create something: be it a crafty outward thing, or a more internal thing like a kind word or deed. That was when I felt happiness and peace.

After spending so many years of my life focused on creating a child, I now hope to start a new chapter in life and create and fulfill my other life goals.

Still Looking...

I went to church today and I came away with a little nugget of truth that I think will help me in my quest to find joy.

This is it: "true doctrine understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior" Boyd K. Packer

There are a lot of behaviors and attitudes in myself that I want to change. (I don't think I need to divulge all of my secrets here.)

But I realized that some things had been slipping of late. I was not taking as much time to adequately study the gospel of Jesus Christ through prayer, scripture study, or meditation. And then when I did take the time, I was not all that well engaged.

I realized that I needed to let the doctrine of Christ's love and teachings sink deeper into my life and then I would feel happier and experience more joy.

Thinking on that brought me joy. And helped me formulate a plan to help me in studying and understanding true doctrine, and thus help me in my quest to feel joy.

01/02/2010

This was another fun date to write, confusing, but fun to think about how both backwards or forwards it was the same. Today I found joy in working with good people. As busy as work can be, it is nice to know I am working with some really great people who have become my friends.

We spend about 1/2 our life with coworkers so it is important to be able to work with them and an added bonus when you enjoy being with them.

I also found joy in reading an article (Ensign Jan 2010: The Best Is Yet to Be Jeffrey R. Holland) in my church's magazine. I really liked it, and I felt joy and peace as I read it and reflected on how it could help me in my life.

And then, last, but not least, I just received an email from my husband with a beautiful picture. It helped me feel loved and so happy to be a part of his life.